Whiney Scrawny Hirogen (VOY)
Title: Whiney Scrawny Hirogen
Rating: G
Summary: An adaptation/parody of Tawny Scrawny Lion by Kathryn Jackson. What's the way to a hungry Hirogen's heart? Through his stomach, of course.
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the Star Trek universe and everything it encompasses. This story is not intended to infringe on any copyrights, and the only profit I gain by it is emotional satisfaction.
Once there was a whiney, scrawny Hirogen who could never get enough to eat.
He hunted Vidiians on Monday...
Klingons on Tuesday...
Borg on Wednesday...
Ferengi on Thursday...
Kazon on Friday...
...and on Saturday, Talaxians!
And since he caught and ate everything he hunted, that Hirogen should have been as fat as butter. But he wasn't at all. The more he hunted, the scrawnier and hungrier he got.
The other humanoids didn't feel one bit safe. They stood at a distance and tried to talk things over with the whiney, scrawny Hirogen.
"It's all your fault for running away," he whined. "If I didn't have to hunt, hunt, hunt for every single bite I get, I’d be as fat as butter and sleek as satin. Then I wouldn't have to hunt so much, and you’d last longer!"
Just then, a spunky little Starfleet captain came warping through the sector in a shuttlecraft, looking for a way home. All the big aliens looked at her and grinned slyly.
"Captain," they said. "Oh, you lucky captain! We appoint you to talk things over with the Hirogen."
That made the little captain feel very self-importrant.
"What shall I talk about?" she asked eagerly.
"Any old thing," said the big aliens. "The important thing is to go right up close."
So the spunky little Starfleet captain warped right up to the big hungry Hirogen and counted his ribs.
"You look much too scrawny to talk things over," she said. "So how about supper on Voyager first?"
"What's for supper?" asked the Hirogen.
The little captain said, "Leola root stew." That sounded awful to the Hirogen. But the little captain said, "Yes, sir, my five fat lieutenants and my four fat ensigns are making a delicious big leola root stew right now!"
"What are we waiting for?" cried the Hirogen. And he went warping away with the little captain, thinking of ten fat Starfleet officers, and looking just as jolly as you please.
"Well, grinned all the big aliens. "That should take care of Whiney-Scrawny for today."
Before very long, the Hirogen began to wonder if they would ever get to Voyager.
First, the spunky little captain kept stopping to pick up dilithium and coffee and all sorts of good-smelling supplies. And when her cargo bay was full, what did she do but land on an M-class planet!
"Wait a bit," she said. "I want to catch a few fish for the stew."
That was almost too much for the hungry Hirogen.
For a moment, he thought he would have to eat that one little Starfleet captain then and there. But he kept saying, "five fat lieutenants and four fat ensigns" over and over to himself. And at last the two were on their way again.
"Here we are!" said the Starfleet captain, pulling into the shuttle bay. Sure enough, there was Voyager, with a big pot of leola root stew bubbling over an open fire in the messhall.
And sure enough, there were nine more fat, merry little Starfleet officers standing around it!
When they saw the fish, they popped them into the stew, along with some mushrooms and herbs. The stew began to smell very good indeed.
And when they saw the whiney, scrawny Hirogen, they gave him a big bowl of hot stew. And then they scurried about so busily, that really, it would have been quite a job for that tired, hungry Hirogen to catch even one of them!
So he gobbled his stew, but the Starfleet officers filled his bowl again. When he had eaten all he could hold, the captain gave him a giant mug of coffee.
And when the coffee was gone, the whiney, scrawny Hirogen wasn't scrawny any more! He felt so good and fat and comfortable that he couldn't even move.
"Here's a fine thing!" he said to himself. "All these spunky little Starfleet officers, and I haven't room inside for even one!"
He looked at all those fine spunky little Starfleet officers, and wished he'd get hungry again.
"Mind if I stay awahile?" he asked.
"We wouldn't even hear of your going!" said the Starfleet officers. Then they plopped themselves in the Hirogen's lap and began to sing Klingon opera.
And somehow, even when it was time to say goodnight, that Hirogen wasn't one bit hungry!
Back to his ship he went, through the soft starlight, singing softly to himself. He curled up in his bed, patted his sleek, fat tummy, and smiled.
When he woke up in the morning it was Monday.
"Time to chase Vidiians!" said the Hirogen.
But he wasn't one bit hungry for Vidiians! What he wanted was some more of that tasty leola root stew. So off he went to visit Voyager.
On Tuesday he didn't want Klingons, and on Wednesday he didn't want Borg. He wasn't hungry for Ferengi on Thursday, or Kazon on Friday, or Talaxians on Saturday.
All the big aliens were so surprised and happy!
They dressed in their best and went to see the spunky little Starfleet captain.
"Captain," they said. "Oh, you wonderful captain! What in the world did you talk to the whiney, scrawny, hungry, terrible Hirogen about?"
The spunky little Starfleet captain jumped in the air and said, "Oh, my goodness! We had such a good time with that nice, jolly Hirogen that I guess we forgot to talk about anything at all!"
And before the big aliens could say one word, the Hirogen came warping up to Voyager. He had a cargo bay full of dilithium for the fat Starfleet lieutenants, and a string of fish for the fat Starfleet ensigns, and a big pot of coffee for the spunky Starfleet captain herself.
"I came for supper," he said, shaking hands all around.
Then he sat on the soft grass, looking fat as butter, sleek as satin, and jolly as all get out, all ready for another good big supper of leola root stew.
Rating: G
Summary: An adaptation/parody of Tawny Scrawny Lion by Kathryn Jackson. What's the way to a hungry Hirogen's heart? Through his stomach, of course.
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the Star Trek universe and everything it encompasses. This story is not intended to infringe on any copyrights, and the only profit I gain by it is emotional satisfaction.
Once there was a whiney, scrawny Hirogen who could never get enough to eat.
He hunted Vidiians on Monday...
Klingons on Tuesday...
Borg on Wednesday...
Ferengi on Thursday...
Kazon on Friday...
...and on Saturday, Talaxians!
And since he caught and ate everything he hunted, that Hirogen should have been as fat as butter. But he wasn't at all. The more he hunted, the scrawnier and hungrier he got.
The other humanoids didn't feel one bit safe. They stood at a distance and tried to talk things over with the whiney, scrawny Hirogen.
"It's all your fault for running away," he whined. "If I didn't have to hunt, hunt, hunt for every single bite I get, I’d be as fat as butter and sleek as satin. Then I wouldn't have to hunt so much, and you’d last longer!"
Just then, a spunky little Starfleet captain came warping through the sector in a shuttlecraft, looking for a way home. All the big aliens looked at her and grinned slyly.
"Captain," they said. "Oh, you lucky captain! We appoint you to talk things over with the Hirogen."
That made the little captain feel very self-importrant.
"What shall I talk about?" she asked eagerly.
"Any old thing," said the big aliens. "The important thing is to go right up close."
So the spunky little Starfleet captain warped right up to the big hungry Hirogen and counted his ribs.
"You look much too scrawny to talk things over," she said. "So how about supper on Voyager first?"
"What's for supper?" asked the Hirogen.
The little captain said, "Leola root stew." That sounded awful to the Hirogen. But the little captain said, "Yes, sir, my five fat lieutenants and my four fat ensigns are making a delicious big leola root stew right now!"
"What are we waiting for?" cried the Hirogen. And he went warping away with the little captain, thinking of ten fat Starfleet officers, and looking just as jolly as you please.
"Well, grinned all the big aliens. "That should take care of Whiney-Scrawny for today."
Before very long, the Hirogen began to wonder if they would ever get to Voyager.
First, the spunky little captain kept stopping to pick up dilithium and coffee and all sorts of good-smelling supplies. And when her cargo bay was full, what did she do but land on an M-class planet!
"Wait a bit," she said. "I want to catch a few fish for the stew."
That was almost too much for the hungry Hirogen.
For a moment, he thought he would have to eat that one little Starfleet captain then and there. But he kept saying, "five fat lieutenants and four fat ensigns" over and over to himself. And at last the two were on their way again.
"Here we are!" said the Starfleet captain, pulling into the shuttle bay. Sure enough, there was Voyager, with a big pot of leola root stew bubbling over an open fire in the messhall.
And sure enough, there were nine more fat, merry little Starfleet officers standing around it!
When they saw the fish, they popped them into the stew, along with some mushrooms and herbs. The stew began to smell very good indeed.
And when they saw the whiney, scrawny Hirogen, they gave him a big bowl of hot stew. And then they scurried about so busily, that really, it would have been quite a job for that tired, hungry Hirogen to catch even one of them!
So he gobbled his stew, but the Starfleet officers filled his bowl again. When he had eaten all he could hold, the captain gave him a giant mug of coffee.
And when the coffee was gone, the whiney, scrawny Hirogen wasn't scrawny any more! He felt so good and fat and comfortable that he couldn't even move.
"Here's a fine thing!" he said to himself. "All these spunky little Starfleet officers, and I haven't room inside for even one!"
He looked at all those fine spunky little Starfleet officers, and wished he'd get hungry again.
"Mind if I stay awahile?" he asked.
"We wouldn't even hear of your going!" said the Starfleet officers. Then they plopped themselves in the Hirogen's lap and began to sing Klingon opera.
And somehow, even when it was time to say goodnight, that Hirogen wasn't one bit hungry!
Back to his ship he went, through the soft starlight, singing softly to himself. He curled up in his bed, patted his sleek, fat tummy, and smiled.
When he woke up in the morning it was Monday.
"Time to chase Vidiians!" said the Hirogen.
But he wasn't one bit hungry for Vidiians! What he wanted was some more of that tasty leola root stew. So off he went to visit Voyager.
On Tuesday he didn't want Klingons, and on Wednesday he didn't want Borg. He wasn't hungry for Ferengi on Thursday, or Kazon on Friday, or Talaxians on Saturday.
All the big aliens were so surprised and happy!
They dressed in their best and went to see the spunky little Starfleet captain.
"Captain," they said. "Oh, you wonderful captain! What in the world did you talk to the whiney, scrawny, hungry, terrible Hirogen about?"
The spunky little Starfleet captain jumped in the air and said, "Oh, my goodness! We had such a good time with that nice, jolly Hirogen that I guess we forgot to talk about anything at all!"
And before the big aliens could say one word, the Hirogen came warping up to Voyager. He had a cargo bay full of dilithium for the fat Starfleet lieutenants, and a string of fish for the fat Starfleet ensigns, and a big pot of coffee for the spunky Starfleet captain herself.
"I came for supper," he said, shaking hands all around.
Then he sat on the soft grass, looking fat as butter, sleek as satin, and jolly as all get out, all ready for another good big supper of leola root stew.