Harry Potter Fic H/D - Make Your Penis Huge!
I've unlocked it!
Title: Make Your Penis Huge!
Author: mahaliem
Rating: R
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Harry and Draco are Aurors who are assigned to work an unusual case
Warnings: I shamelessly borrowed from a spam advertisement. Partially inspired by spam and partially inspired by blythely and circe_tigana's wonderful and completely amazing Ever so slightly longer but not quite as thick: Toward a quantitative literary sexology of Harry Potter fanfiction. which everyone should read.
Make Your Penis Huge!
Standing in the Head Auror's office, Harry read the advertisement that Kingsley Shacklebolt had handed to him.
MAKE YOUR PENIS HUGE - GUARANTEED!!
Enlarge your penis with
MAGICAL PENIS CREAM!
MAGICAL PENIS CREAM enlarges ANY MAN'S penis 3-5 inches;
see a gain of 1 inch in 1 week!
Have erections like a length of steel pipe!
ROCK HARD, THROBBING ERECTIONS that will last
ALL NIGHT LONG!
Harry's eyes rose from the paper to meet those of his boss.
"Are you trying to tell me something?"
Shacklebolt smiled and shook his head. "These advertisements have appeared in several Muggle magazines and were recently sent out over the Internets."
"Internet," Harry corrected. "I believe they're all scams. Not that I have any personal knowledge of this type of product." Harry squared his shoulders. "Nor do I need to."
"That's not what I hea-" Shacklebolt paused and cleared his throat. "As I was saying, these particular advertisements are everywhere and are being produced by a wizard. I'm teaming you and Draco Malfoy together to stop it."
Harry stifled a groan. Despite knowing that Shacklebolt had been a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Harry strongly suspected the Head Auror to be evil. Why else would he constantly team him with Draco?
"Is that necessary?" Harry asked. "The defrauding of Muggles seems like a minor crime, at best. Not an activity that rates an investigation by two Aurors."
"Did I say the Muggles were being defrauded?"
Harry blinked.
"The problem," Shacklebolt continued, "is that the damn cream works. You have to put a stop to it being sold before Wizardkind is overrun by under-endowed Muggle men clamoring for the product."
* * *
Entering Draco's office, Harry saw that the git was ignoring the work piled on his desk in order to polish his wand.
Harry perched on the corner of the desk and watched. After a minute of observing Draco stroke his wand, the oil making it glisten in the light, Harry had to say something.
"That won't do any good."
Draco glanced up at him, his eyebrows arching.
"You can put all the Wand and Neglected Knob Oil on it you can buy, but it won't improve the performance."
"Some of us, Potter, like to keep our wands in top condition." Draco tucked his wand back inside his robes and glared at Harry. "Is there any special reason for you to grace my glorious office with your humble presence?"
Harry tossed the advertisement that Shacklebolt had given him in front of Draco. Without saying a word, Draco picked it up and read it. Upon finishing it, he handed it back to Harry.
"I heartily approve."
Harry frowned. "What?"
"It's about time you did something about that problem of yours."
Harry's voice rose up a notch. "What!"
"Not that I have any reason to care."
"I am not buying this!" Harry shouted. "It's a case!"
"Not like anything I ever do will convince you to let me...." Draco's words trailed off. There was a long pause. "It's a case?" he finally asked.
"Yes," Harry said through gritted teeth.
"And Shacklebolt has assigned the two of us to work it?" Draco asked.
"Yes," Harry said, still almost hissing.
Draco sighed. "He's evil, that's what he is. There isn't a prophecy that predicts that you'll kill him, is there?"
"No." Harry leaned closer to Draco menacingly. "But I don't need a prophecy to kill someone."
Draco reared back from Harry. "It was an understandable mistake. It's not like it's secret."
"What's not a secret?"
Draco started to smirk, but thought better of it. Harry's mood was still dangerous. "That although your width is fine, you're lacking a bit in the length department."
Harry's face turned several colors, going from red, to pale, to red again, as he stumbled back from Draco's desk to sink into a chair. He covered his face with his hands.
"I hate my life."
"Stop being so dramatic," Draco said, tossing his hair back in a well-practiced move. "You're the Boy Who Lived and Killed Voldemort which for everyone balances out what you're not packing in your trousers."
Harry lifted his face from his hands. "Everyone? Are you saying that a lot of people think I'm small?"
"There was an article in the Daily Prophet about it. Also the Quibbler. And Witch Weekly. Then there were the international papers."
Harry stood and glared at Draco. "I am not small."
"Right," Draco said, completely unconvinced. He quickly changed the subject. "Why don't you tell me about the case?"
"Someone's selling a cream to Muggles that enlarges penises. Shacklebolt wants it stopped."
Draco looked at Harry askance. "Because well-endowed Muggles are dangerous?"
"Because of the need to keep the Wizarding world a secret."
"Ahhh." Draco said in understanding. Rising to his feet, he headed for the door. "Out we go then, to save the world from large penises. And you're the right man for the job, Potter."
Harry had a funny feeling that this case might get bloody. They hadn't even left the Ministry and he was already fighting back the urge to hex Draco to bits.
* * *
Harry ignored Draco's suggestion that their first step should be to find some incredibly happy and satisfied Muggles.
He also ignored Draco's next suggestion that they infiltrate the Muggle porn industry to search for leads to the makers of the cream.
Instead, Harry chose to use the address at the bottom of advertisement. When he knocked on the door, it was a shock to be welcomed by a house elf into the home of Neville Longbottom and Severus Snape.
* * *
"Neville Longbottom and Severus Snape," Harry announced formally once he and Draco had been led into a sitting room, refused Neville's offer of tea, responded to an insult by Snape, refused Neville's offer of biscuits, shot Draco a dirty look for accepting said offer of biscuits, responded to a second insult by Snape, and waited while everyone else made themselves comfortable.
"We are here to investigate your production of penis cream and the selling of such cream to Muggles."
Neville smiled. "I was wondering when you'd make your way here, Harry. I promise you that you'll be quite happy with the results." He turned towards Draco. "As will your special friend."
Harry closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them to see Draco wiping biscuit crumbs from the front of his robe where he'd sprayed them when laughter had burst out of him, Harry closed his eyes again. This time he counted to thirty.
"Neville," Harry said extremely slowly and carefully, his voice tight. "I am not here to purchase the cream. I'm here in my official Auror capacity. The selling of such cream to Muggles is illegal."
"Illegal?" Neville yelped, leaping to his feet. "It's illegal?" He turned to Snape who was still sitting calmly nearby. "Did you know it was illegal to sell to Muggles?"
"It is only illegal if they can prove you did it." Snape's gaze flicked over Harry and Draco. "With such Aurors as these, I have serious doubts that such proof will be obtained."
"I don't want to go to Azkaban," Neville whimpered.
Harry gave Neville a look of compassion. "We just want it stopped. If you give us your word that you will no longer sell the cream to Muggles, then we'll let you go with a warning."
"I won't," Draco piped up. "I say we throw the book at him. Several books, in fact." He glanced about the room. "You don't happen to have Hogwarts: A History, do you? That always had a nice amount of heft to it.
"Why don't you tell me how this cream came about in the first place?" Harry asked, doing his best to pretend that Snape and Malfoy didn't exist.
"It all started when Severus signed a contract to test cauldron durability. He contacted me to help him."
Snape snorted. "The only way to test if it's foolproof is to hire a fool."
Neville smiled at Snape indulgently then returned his attention to Harry and Draco. "One thing led to another...."
"And while you were exploding cauldrons you discovered penis cream?" Harry asked.
"Weeks of research and he thinks it might've been an accident," Snape muttered. "Imbecile."
"I'm getting to that part," Neville interjected before Harry could say something nasty back to Snape. "Severus and I grew closer, working together for so long, day in and day out."
The corners of Draco's mouth quirked up. "And it wasn't long before you two decided that more than days should be going in and out?"
Neville's face flushed with embarrassment.
Harry's eyes widened. He looked back and forth between Snape and Neville.
"B-b-but you hate each other! You've always hated each other."
Neville sidled up to Harry and threw a companionable arm around his shoulders. "You should know more than anyone else how thin the line is between love and hate."
With a nod of his head he indicated Draco then gave Harry a broad wink.
"There is nothing going on between me and Draco," Harry blurted out in shock.
"If you keep telling everyone that then I'm not going to put out anymore," Draco said loudly.
Harry scowled at Draco and clenched his fists. "I hate you," he snarled.
"Right back at you, sweetheart," Draco replied, throwing him a kiss.
"It's okay," Neville said. "I know exactly how you feel, Harry. It took Severus and me quite a while to get past our differences, too."
"Fuck," Harry muttered to no one in particular.
"Later," Draco answered.
Being a brave and somewhat dim Gryffindor, Neville continued his explanation despite the fact that by this point no one cared.
"The biggest difficulty-"
"Biggest being a term completely inappropriate in such a context," Snape inserted.
"-was that I wasn't able to satisfy Severus sufficiently." Neville gazed at Snape lovingly. "And I did so want to satisfy him."
Images flitted through Harry's mind that caused his stomach to churn. Maybe he could have this conversation obliviated later.
"There are spells for that," Draco said to Neville as he studied his nails. "Or so I hear."
"Yes, you're right." Neville nodded his head. "But I've always been rubbish at spells and after some mishaps-"
"Heads of cocks should not develop mouths," Snape stated. "Or grow teeth."
Both Harry and Draco instinctively crossed their legs.
"-Severus thought it might be best if we developed a cream for my use. Afterwards, we thought about selling it. Wizards wouldn't tend to buy it because most can use a spell. Muggles can't."
"It's been incredibly lucrative," Snape remarked.
"Which we don't care about at all," Neville added hurriedly. "We're doing it to help others who may have the same problem. I'm sure you understand how it is, Harry."
Harry stared hard at Neville who instinctively took several steps back.
"I-I-I meant that you like to help others, too."
Harry took a deep, calming breath. "You can't sell the cream to Muggles anymore. You do understand that, don't you?" Harry turned to look at Snape. "I want your word on that, sir."
Snape looked as if he were about to argue the matter but Neville turned to him with a pleading expression.
"Fine," Snape growled, unhappy about it but giving in with his usual lack of grace. "You have my word."
"Thank you," Neville told Snape before addressing Harry again. "And I won't sell it anymore, either."
"Then our work here is done."
Harry turned toward the door, eager to get out of there.
"Wait! I have a question for Snape." Draco rose lazily to his feet. "Your advertisement claimed that an erection after using the cream would be like a steel pipe. Wouldn't it hurt to have a steel pipe up your-"
"We're done!" Harry shouted at Draco, hoping he'd drowned out that last word.
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "I was just curious."
Neville walked Harry to the door while Snape and Draco stayed behind conversing for a moment. Harry tried not to think about what they might be discussing.
"You and Snape," Harry said, shaking his head. "I'm still finding it hard to believe that you two are together. I vividly remember in third year that your boggart was Snape and you defeated it by picturing it in your grandmother's clothes."
Neville smiled naughtily, as if he knew something no one else in the world knew.
"That was the only time you've seen Severus in a dress, isn't it?"
Harry was definitely going to have to use an obliviate.
* * *
Apparating outside the door of his flat, Harry was surprised to find Draco beside him.
"What are you doing here?" Harry unlocked his door and lowered the wards. "The case is over."
"There's still all the paperwork to file. I thought we could do it together."
Draco wanted to help with the paperwork? Before, when they'd been teamed together on cases, he'd been more than happy to leave that chore to Harry.
"It's Friday night. We can leave it 'til Monday," Harry said. He opened the door and stepped inside.
Draco leaned against the doorjamb. "Invite me in, Potter."
Harry's eyes narrowed.
Rolling his eyes, Draco said, "You are so suspicious." He stepped over the threshold. "See - not a vampire."
"I never thought you were a vampire," Harry stated. "I simply don't trust you in general." He closed the door behind Draco, and then crossed his arms to stare at his uninvited guest. "What do you want?"
"Aww, you keep this up and I might not give you your gift." Draco sauntered to Harry's couch and seated himself.
"Gift?" Harry asked warily, moving further into the room.
From a pocket of his robes Draco withdrew a small jar. Harry looked at the jar then saw red.
It was a jar of Magical Penis Cream.
"I can't believe you bought that!"
"I didn't buy it," Draco denied hotly. "I nicked it. Thought you might want to use it."
Harry trembled with suppressed fury.
"I. Am. Not. Small!"
Angry and determined to put an end to this nonsense, Harry whipped off his robes and flung them to the floor. He unbuckled his belt, undid his trousers, and yanked them down. His boxers followed.
"See!" Harry shouted.
Draco was seeing. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.
"I'm not even close to being small!"
Visibly gulping Draco said, "No, you're not." He let out a shaky breath. "Still, what with you being the most powerful wizard in the world, it might be a bit of a let down."
Harry snarled through clenched teeth, "It gets bigger. Watch."
Licking his hand, Harry reached down and began to stroke himself. In a ridiculously short amount of time he was fully erect.
Draco's stare intensified. "Advertisement says the cream would make you rock hard."
Harry moved to stand in front of Draco and grabbed his hand. Placing Draco's hand on his cock he asked, "Is that hard enough for you?"
When Draco's hand wrapped around the shaft and began to stroke, Harry let out a low groan.
"Said it'd be throbbing," Draco said huskily. "Can't forget the throbbing."
"Keep that up," Harry murmured, "and you'll have all the throbbing you ever wanted."
"And the 'all night long' part?"
Harry stared into Draco's eyes.
"There's only one way for you to find that out."
* * *
Harry was holding the jar of Magical Penis Cream when Draco exited the bathroom the next morning. Seating himself with a wince at the breakfast table, Draco helped himself to tea then indicated the jar with a nod.
"Guess we can throw that away."
"Maybe," Harry said noncommittally.
"Don't tell me you're thinking about using it?" Draco exclaimed. "You're already as bloody close to a steel pipe as I ever want to get."
Harry shook his head. "I wasn't planning to. But did you know that this cream is supposed to not only increase your length but your width as well?" he asked.
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "So?"
Harry focused his attention on Draco. "Everyone knows that while your length is okay, your width is nothing to write home about."
Grinning, Harry managed to duck out of the way when Draco threw his tea at him.
The End.
Title: Make Your Penis Huge!
Author: mahaliem
Rating: R
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Harry and Draco are Aurors who are assigned to work an unusual case
Warnings: I shamelessly borrowed from a spam advertisement. Partially inspired by spam and partially inspired by blythely and circe_tigana's wonderful and completely amazing Ever so slightly longer but not quite as thick: Toward a quantitative literary sexology of Harry Potter fanfiction. which everyone should read.
Make Your Penis Huge!
Standing in the Head Auror's office, Harry read the advertisement that Kingsley Shacklebolt had handed to him.
MAKE YOUR PENIS HUGE - GUARANTEED!!
Enlarge your penis with
MAGICAL PENIS CREAM!
MAGICAL PENIS CREAM enlarges ANY MAN'S penis 3-5 inches;
see a gain of 1 inch in 1 week!
Have erections like a length of steel pipe!
ROCK HARD, THROBBING ERECTIONS that will last
ALL NIGHT LONG!
Harry's eyes rose from the paper to meet those of his boss.
"Are you trying to tell me something?"
Shacklebolt smiled and shook his head. "These advertisements have appeared in several Muggle magazines and were recently sent out over the Internets."
"Internet," Harry corrected. "I believe they're all scams. Not that I have any personal knowledge of this type of product." Harry squared his shoulders. "Nor do I need to."
"That's not what I hea-" Shacklebolt paused and cleared his throat. "As I was saying, these particular advertisements are everywhere and are being produced by a wizard. I'm teaming you and Draco Malfoy together to stop it."
Harry stifled a groan. Despite knowing that Shacklebolt had been a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Harry strongly suspected the Head Auror to be evil. Why else would he constantly team him with Draco?
"Is that necessary?" Harry asked. "The defrauding of Muggles seems like a minor crime, at best. Not an activity that rates an investigation by two Aurors."
"Did I say the Muggles were being defrauded?"
Harry blinked.
"The problem," Shacklebolt continued, "is that the damn cream works. You have to put a stop to it being sold before Wizardkind is overrun by under-endowed Muggle men clamoring for the product."
* * *
Entering Draco's office, Harry saw that the git was ignoring the work piled on his desk in order to polish his wand.
Harry perched on the corner of the desk and watched. After a minute of observing Draco stroke his wand, the oil making it glisten in the light, Harry had to say something.
"That won't do any good."
Draco glanced up at him, his eyebrows arching.
"You can put all the Wand and Neglected Knob Oil on it you can buy, but it won't improve the performance."
"Some of us, Potter, like to keep our wands in top condition." Draco tucked his wand back inside his robes and glared at Harry. "Is there any special reason for you to grace my glorious office with your humble presence?"
Harry tossed the advertisement that Shacklebolt had given him in front of Draco. Without saying a word, Draco picked it up and read it. Upon finishing it, he handed it back to Harry.
"I heartily approve."
Harry frowned. "What?"
"It's about time you did something about that problem of yours."
Harry's voice rose up a notch. "What!"
"Not that I have any reason to care."
"I am not buying this!" Harry shouted. "It's a case!"
"Not like anything I ever do will convince you to let me...." Draco's words trailed off. There was a long pause. "It's a case?" he finally asked.
"Yes," Harry said through gritted teeth.
"And Shacklebolt has assigned the two of us to work it?" Draco asked.
"Yes," Harry said, still almost hissing.
Draco sighed. "He's evil, that's what he is. There isn't a prophecy that predicts that you'll kill him, is there?"
"No." Harry leaned closer to Draco menacingly. "But I don't need a prophecy to kill someone."
Draco reared back from Harry. "It was an understandable mistake. It's not like it's secret."
"What's not a secret?"
Draco started to smirk, but thought better of it. Harry's mood was still dangerous. "That although your width is fine, you're lacking a bit in the length department."
Harry's face turned several colors, going from red, to pale, to red again, as he stumbled back from Draco's desk to sink into a chair. He covered his face with his hands.
"I hate my life."
"Stop being so dramatic," Draco said, tossing his hair back in a well-practiced move. "You're the Boy Who Lived and Killed Voldemort which for everyone balances out what you're not packing in your trousers."
Harry lifted his face from his hands. "Everyone? Are you saying that a lot of people think I'm small?"
"There was an article in the Daily Prophet about it. Also the Quibbler. And Witch Weekly. Then there were the international papers."
Harry stood and glared at Draco. "I am not small."
"Right," Draco said, completely unconvinced. He quickly changed the subject. "Why don't you tell me about the case?"
"Someone's selling a cream to Muggles that enlarges penises. Shacklebolt wants it stopped."
Draco looked at Harry askance. "Because well-endowed Muggles are dangerous?"
"Because of the need to keep the Wizarding world a secret."
"Ahhh." Draco said in understanding. Rising to his feet, he headed for the door. "Out we go then, to save the world from large penises. And you're the right man for the job, Potter."
Harry had a funny feeling that this case might get bloody. They hadn't even left the Ministry and he was already fighting back the urge to hex Draco to bits.
* * *
Harry ignored Draco's suggestion that their first step should be to find some incredibly happy and satisfied Muggles.
He also ignored Draco's next suggestion that they infiltrate the Muggle porn industry to search for leads to the makers of the cream.
Instead, Harry chose to use the address at the bottom of advertisement. When he knocked on the door, it was a shock to be welcomed by a house elf into the home of Neville Longbottom and Severus Snape.
* * *
"Neville Longbottom and Severus Snape," Harry announced formally once he and Draco had been led into a sitting room, refused Neville's offer of tea, responded to an insult by Snape, refused Neville's offer of biscuits, shot Draco a dirty look for accepting said offer of biscuits, responded to a second insult by Snape, and waited while everyone else made themselves comfortable.
"We are here to investigate your production of penis cream and the selling of such cream to Muggles."
Neville smiled. "I was wondering when you'd make your way here, Harry. I promise you that you'll be quite happy with the results." He turned towards Draco. "As will your special friend."
Harry closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them to see Draco wiping biscuit crumbs from the front of his robe where he'd sprayed them when laughter had burst out of him, Harry closed his eyes again. This time he counted to thirty.
"Neville," Harry said extremely slowly and carefully, his voice tight. "I am not here to purchase the cream. I'm here in my official Auror capacity. The selling of such cream to Muggles is illegal."
"Illegal?" Neville yelped, leaping to his feet. "It's illegal?" He turned to Snape who was still sitting calmly nearby. "Did you know it was illegal to sell to Muggles?"
"It is only illegal if they can prove you did it." Snape's gaze flicked over Harry and Draco. "With such Aurors as these, I have serious doubts that such proof will be obtained."
"I don't want to go to Azkaban," Neville whimpered.
Harry gave Neville a look of compassion. "We just want it stopped. If you give us your word that you will no longer sell the cream to Muggles, then we'll let you go with a warning."
"I won't," Draco piped up. "I say we throw the book at him. Several books, in fact." He glanced about the room. "You don't happen to have Hogwarts: A History, do you? That always had a nice amount of heft to it.
"Why don't you tell me how this cream came about in the first place?" Harry asked, doing his best to pretend that Snape and Malfoy didn't exist.
"It all started when Severus signed a contract to test cauldron durability. He contacted me to help him."
Snape snorted. "The only way to test if it's foolproof is to hire a fool."
Neville smiled at Snape indulgently then returned his attention to Harry and Draco. "One thing led to another...."
"And while you were exploding cauldrons you discovered penis cream?" Harry asked.
"Weeks of research and he thinks it might've been an accident," Snape muttered. "Imbecile."
"I'm getting to that part," Neville interjected before Harry could say something nasty back to Snape. "Severus and I grew closer, working together for so long, day in and day out."
The corners of Draco's mouth quirked up. "And it wasn't long before you two decided that more than days should be going in and out?"
Neville's face flushed with embarrassment.
Harry's eyes widened. He looked back and forth between Snape and Neville.
"B-b-but you hate each other! You've always hated each other."
Neville sidled up to Harry and threw a companionable arm around his shoulders. "You should know more than anyone else how thin the line is between love and hate."
With a nod of his head he indicated Draco then gave Harry a broad wink.
"There is nothing going on between me and Draco," Harry blurted out in shock.
"If you keep telling everyone that then I'm not going to put out anymore," Draco said loudly.
Harry scowled at Draco and clenched his fists. "I hate you," he snarled.
"Right back at you, sweetheart," Draco replied, throwing him a kiss.
"It's okay," Neville said. "I know exactly how you feel, Harry. It took Severus and me quite a while to get past our differences, too."
"Fuck," Harry muttered to no one in particular.
"Later," Draco answered.
Being a brave and somewhat dim Gryffindor, Neville continued his explanation despite the fact that by this point no one cared.
"The biggest difficulty-"
"Biggest being a term completely inappropriate in such a context," Snape inserted.
"-was that I wasn't able to satisfy Severus sufficiently." Neville gazed at Snape lovingly. "And I did so want to satisfy him."
Images flitted through Harry's mind that caused his stomach to churn. Maybe he could have this conversation obliviated later.
"There are spells for that," Draco said to Neville as he studied his nails. "Or so I hear."
"Yes, you're right." Neville nodded his head. "But I've always been rubbish at spells and after some mishaps-"
"Heads of cocks should not develop mouths," Snape stated. "Or grow teeth."
Both Harry and Draco instinctively crossed their legs.
"-Severus thought it might be best if we developed a cream for my use. Afterwards, we thought about selling it. Wizards wouldn't tend to buy it because most can use a spell. Muggles can't."
"It's been incredibly lucrative," Snape remarked.
"Which we don't care about at all," Neville added hurriedly. "We're doing it to help others who may have the same problem. I'm sure you understand how it is, Harry."
Harry stared hard at Neville who instinctively took several steps back.
"I-I-I meant that you like to help others, too."
Harry took a deep, calming breath. "You can't sell the cream to Muggles anymore. You do understand that, don't you?" Harry turned to look at Snape. "I want your word on that, sir."
Snape looked as if he were about to argue the matter but Neville turned to him with a pleading expression.
"Fine," Snape growled, unhappy about it but giving in with his usual lack of grace. "You have my word."
"Thank you," Neville told Snape before addressing Harry again. "And I won't sell it anymore, either."
"Then our work here is done."
Harry turned toward the door, eager to get out of there.
"Wait! I have a question for Snape." Draco rose lazily to his feet. "Your advertisement claimed that an erection after using the cream would be like a steel pipe. Wouldn't it hurt to have a steel pipe up your-"
"We're done!" Harry shouted at Draco, hoping he'd drowned out that last word.
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "I was just curious."
Neville walked Harry to the door while Snape and Draco stayed behind conversing for a moment. Harry tried not to think about what they might be discussing.
"You and Snape," Harry said, shaking his head. "I'm still finding it hard to believe that you two are together. I vividly remember in third year that your boggart was Snape and you defeated it by picturing it in your grandmother's clothes."
Neville smiled naughtily, as if he knew something no one else in the world knew.
"That was the only time you've seen Severus in a dress, isn't it?"
Harry was definitely going to have to use an obliviate.
* * *
Apparating outside the door of his flat, Harry was surprised to find Draco beside him.
"What are you doing here?" Harry unlocked his door and lowered the wards. "The case is over."
"There's still all the paperwork to file. I thought we could do it together."
Draco wanted to help with the paperwork? Before, when they'd been teamed together on cases, he'd been more than happy to leave that chore to Harry.
"It's Friday night. We can leave it 'til Monday," Harry said. He opened the door and stepped inside.
Draco leaned against the doorjamb. "Invite me in, Potter."
Harry's eyes narrowed.
Rolling his eyes, Draco said, "You are so suspicious." He stepped over the threshold. "See - not a vampire."
"I never thought you were a vampire," Harry stated. "I simply don't trust you in general." He closed the door behind Draco, and then crossed his arms to stare at his uninvited guest. "What do you want?"
"Aww, you keep this up and I might not give you your gift." Draco sauntered to Harry's couch and seated himself.
"Gift?" Harry asked warily, moving further into the room.
From a pocket of his robes Draco withdrew a small jar. Harry looked at the jar then saw red.
It was a jar of Magical Penis Cream.
"I can't believe you bought that!"
"I didn't buy it," Draco denied hotly. "I nicked it. Thought you might want to use it."
Harry trembled with suppressed fury.
"I. Am. Not. Small!"
Angry and determined to put an end to this nonsense, Harry whipped off his robes and flung them to the floor. He unbuckled his belt, undid his trousers, and yanked them down. His boxers followed.
"See!" Harry shouted.
Draco was seeing. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.
"I'm not even close to being small!"
Visibly gulping Draco said, "No, you're not." He let out a shaky breath. "Still, what with you being the most powerful wizard in the world, it might be a bit of a let down."
Harry snarled through clenched teeth, "It gets bigger. Watch."
Licking his hand, Harry reached down and began to stroke himself. In a ridiculously short amount of time he was fully erect.
Draco's stare intensified. "Advertisement says the cream would make you rock hard."
Harry moved to stand in front of Draco and grabbed his hand. Placing Draco's hand on his cock he asked, "Is that hard enough for you?"
When Draco's hand wrapped around the shaft and began to stroke, Harry let out a low groan.
"Said it'd be throbbing," Draco said huskily. "Can't forget the throbbing."
"Keep that up," Harry murmured, "and you'll have all the throbbing you ever wanted."
"And the 'all night long' part?"
Harry stared into Draco's eyes.
"There's only one way for you to find that out."
* * *
Harry was holding the jar of Magical Penis Cream when Draco exited the bathroom the next morning. Seating himself with a wince at the breakfast table, Draco helped himself to tea then indicated the jar with a nod.
"Guess we can throw that away."
"Maybe," Harry said noncommittally.
"Don't tell me you're thinking about using it?" Draco exclaimed. "You're already as bloody close to a steel pipe as I ever want to get."
Harry shook his head. "I wasn't planning to. But did you know that this cream is supposed to not only increase your length but your width as well?" he asked.
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "So?"
Harry focused his attention on Draco. "Everyone knows that while your length is okay, your width is nothing to write home about."
Grinning, Harry managed to duck out of the way when Draco threw his tea at him.
The End.