Breaking Up is Hard to Do - Clex
Remember in The Princess Bride where Carol Kane (Valerie) is yelling at Billy Crystal (Miracle Max). "Liar! Liar!"
I keep hearing that in my head. Mostly because I vowed to only work on my WIPs in October. In my defense, I've added several thousands of words to two of my HP stories, have almost finished my Clex Fest story and actually did finish a couple more. However, I've also written several new stories and have a good portion done for the Lois and Clark Challenge.
And now here's another Clark and Lex story. Totally unbeta'd - so be prepared for mistakes all over the place.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Part 1
"You're breaking up with me?" Clark yelled.
Lex scowled and hushed him while looking around the coffee shop at the other patrons, who were doing their best to pretend they hadn't heard. "I was hoping that doing this in a public place would keep you from making a scene. Evidently not."
Clark tossed his napkin down on his empty pie plate. "I can't believe this is happening."
"Come on, Clark. You know the magic has gone out of our relationship. The last time you destroyed one of my doomsday devices you didn't even bother to hang around to threaten me. You just took off."
"Well, excuse me if I was busy with a flood in Bangladesh. Superman isn't your personal property, you know. You were lucky I took the time out of my schedule to even destroy that piece of junk of yours."
Lex leaned back and folded his arms. "See! See! That's what I'm talking about. I used to be all that was important to you. Now you simply make time for me."
"That's not true. You are important to me. You'll always be important to me."
"But I'm not your number one priority. Not anymore."
Clark stayed silent. There was nothing he could say to that since it was true.
Leaning across the table, Lex took Clark's hand in his. "Listen, you've changed. We both have. It's nothing personal."
Swallowing hard, Clark nodded his understanding. "Does this mean that we should..." Even with all of his superpowers he couldn't keep his voice from cracking. "...should have other nemeses?"
Lex patted Clark's hand before gently letting it go. "I'm afraid so."
* * *
Clark knew he really should have seen it coming. After all, three weeks before he'd suspected something was wrong enough to talk to Lois about it.
"Did Luthor seem okay to you?" he'd asked.
Lois had glanced up from the mess of her desk where she was frantically searching for her last pack of Nicorette gum.
"What are you talking about, Smallville?"
"He just seemed sort of sad today."
"Well, I'm sure anti-matter devices don't come cheap. Must be a real bummer every time Superman destroys one." Giving a triumphant cry, Lois had snatched up the Nicorette box only to throw it down in disgust upon discovering that it was empty.
"Yeah, but he didn't even threaten Superman with shoving a hunk of kryptonite where the sun doesn't shine. He always says that. It's a tradition."
Lois had rolled her eyes. "He was probably too busy planning to take over the world. I wouldn't let it bother me."
Sensing Lois' complete disinterest in Luthor's moods, Clark had dropped the subject. He hadn't stopped wondering, though, if Lex was feeling okay.
* * *
Two weeks after they broke up, Superman lost his temper with Lex. With a warehouse blazing behind them as they stood in a dark dank alley, Superman turned on him.
"If you pull a stunt like this again, I'm going to handcuff you and throw away the key."
Lex stared at him. "Um... you saved me, remember? Victim here."
"Oh." Clark blushed. "Sorry. Habit."
"No problem," Lex said, shrugging it off.
For a moment, they stood together and watched the building burn before Lex spoke again. "Say, Clark, do you want to get a cup of coffee with me?"
Shuffling his feet, Clark looked down at the ground, avoiding Lex's gaze. "I don't know. There's a toxic clean-up going on in Russia I'm supposed to be at. A typhoon is headed for Asia. Then there's that Middle East thing."
"There's always a Middle East thing."
A thrill shot through Clark. Maybe Lex wanted to be mortal enemies again. Shyly, he glanced at Lex from underneath his eyelashes. "I guess it'd be okay."
"Good." Lex nodded. "Because I'd like to talk with you." He eyed the soot on Superman's suit. "Did you want to go change?"
Nodding, Clark sped off and was back in a matter of seconds dressed in a worn pair of jeans and his old Crows sweatshirt. The sound of sirens was filling the air as they headed off.
"Hey," Lex said, pausing. "Didn't you want to..." He indicated the flames behind them.
Clark blew a cold gush of air that immediately put out the fire, and then turned to Lex. "How does Denny's sound?"
"No, definitely not."
"Fine, you choose the place. But wherever you pick, they'd better have pie."
* * *
"Nightwing?" Clark screeched.
Lex leaned across the Formica table, their coffee cups still sloshing from the force of Clark's voice. "Do you think he'd go for it?"
"Yeah, but... Nightwing?"
"It would mean moving my base of operations to Bludhaven which, I admit, I'm not looking forward to."
The thought that Lex was throwing him over for the ex-Robin bothered Clark. Really, really bothered him. Lex was his villain. They'd been friends but circumstances had divided them, causing them to be enemies. It was a classic tale, just like he'd seen in several made-for-television movies.
It was Dick Grayson who would soon be the beneficiary of all of Lex's intense stares. Those stares that made Clark feel as if any moment Lex would fall upon him in a rage, take control of him, and do his best to make Clark scream.
Surreptitiously, Clark adjusted his trousers.
"Lex, can I be honest with you?" Clark took a deep breath. "I've known Nightwing for a long time. He's a great guy. I'm just not sure if he's the right guy to be your next nemesis."
"Why not?"
"First of all, he's not exactly a rocket scientist."
Lex bit his lip to keep from smiling. "And you were?"
"No, but I do have perfect recall, know almost all human languages, and have access to the AI if I don't understand something."
"This from a man who forgot Lois' birthday last year and almost had to have one of her high heels extracted from an extremely sensitive area."
"Hey," Clark said, indignantly, "I didn't forget. I was too busy with that alien invasion to go shopping."
"Right." Lex took a sip of his coffee, and then looked back up at Clark. "What else is wrong with Nightwing?"
"Well, isn't he sort of... I don't know... not really in your league?"
"What do you mean?"
"I just figured that if we weren't enemies you'd find someone else who was a big name, like Batman."
"Batman's out, mostly because he's like you - too busy running around with the Justice League to pay attention to the enemies he already has. Not to mention that he's already got more guys after his ass than a skanky cheerleader at a frat party."
Silently Clark memorized that last bit to use on Bruce at the next possible opportunity. "What about Spiderman?" he suggested.
"Spiderman and the Green Goblin are obsessed with each other. I'm sure I could get Spiderman's attention, but anything long-term just wouldn't work out."
Lowering his eyes to his empty plate, Clark mumbled, "You used to be obsessed with me."
Lex let out a shaky exhalation. "Clark, it's over. I thought you understood that."
"I know," Clark said hastily. "It's just that... I miss you."
"Clark--"
"Well, I do. Now it's just fly somewhere, save some people, then fly back. There's no one plotting world domination. There's no weird secret weapon that could destroy life as we know it. There's no one trying to kill me with green kryptonite." Clark let out a long sigh. "It's not fun, anymore."
"We shouldn't have come here together. I thought as long as we weren't threatening each other, it would be okay." Rising from his chair, Lex tossed a few bills onto the table. "I'm sorry, Clark."
For several minutes after Lex left, Clark felt disheartened as he gazed at the empty seat across from him before he remembered something. Something important.
He was Superman. He could do anything.
Lex had once said that their friendship would be the stuff of legends. Clark was determined that their rivalry would be legendary as well.
Clark was going to get Lex Luthor back.
Part 2
Lex stared at the mess on the floor of his penthouse.
For years he'd hated Clark passionately and those strong feelings had been vigorously returned. When it had become clear that Clark had moved on, it had been quite a blow to Lex's ego. Knowing that he needed to break off their relationship before he became pathetic in his efforts to warrant Clark's attention, Lex had done so in his usual quick and decisive manner.
Unfortunately, Clark wasn't cooperating.
"I've destroyed your latest threat to mankind, Luthor," Superman intoned.
Lex couldn't help it. His mouth dropped open for a moment, before he managed to gather his wits. "That wasn't a weapon. That was my new espresso machine. It just arrived today from Italy."
"Yes! And now it will be unable to wreak destruction."
"To what?" Lex shouted "Starbucks' bottom line?"
"Ah, but I know you, Luthor. Too much caffeine makes you jittery. When you're jittery you do evil things. Like that time you drank three double espressos and decided to add your face to Mount Rushmore."
"It's only a matter of time till it happens on its own," Lex sniffed.
"Or the time you were over caffeinated and decided that the Statue of Liberty would look better if she was bald."
"Bald is beautiful."
"And how about the time you took out the meter maid's car in Smallville? Was it a coincidence that you were drinking coffee? I think not."
"Clark," Lex said slowly, "I know you're upset about us not being mortal enemies anymore, but take away my caffeine and I will kill you."
"I just think that you should treat it as a controlled substance. How about every morning I bring you a cup of coffee?"
"What size?" Lex asked, going into negotiation mode.
"Large."
"Fine. You can bring me coffee every day. But just until I move to Bludhaven," Lex agreed.
"Right. After that you can drink all the coffee you want and it'll be Nightwing's problem."
Lex stared at Clark for a long moment and wondered why he felt as if he'd just been snookered.
* * *
"Good morning!"
Lex groaned and pulled the covers over his head.
"Wake up, sleepyhead. You don't want to miss the sunrise."
Dragging the blankets down, Lex glared at Clark, whose brightly colored Superman suit almost convinced Lex to dive back underneath the covers.
"Did you know that in ancient Babylonia, sunrises were considered sacred and anyone caught witnessing one was summarily executed?"
Clark's smile dropped a notch. "Is that true?"
"No. But if I ever become supreme ruler of the world, it sounds like a pretty good idea." Lex sat up on the edge of the bed. "Now hand over my coffee before someone gets hurt."
At that moment, Mercy slammed open the door, the gun in her hand pointed at Clark's heart. It took her only a few seconds to relax and lower the weapon. "Oh, it's you, Kent."
"Hey, Mercy. There's a bag of fresh baked croissants on the counter for you and Hope."
Lex watched in amazement as his tough-as-nails bodyguard beamed happily and leaned over to give Clark a peck on the cheek in thanks, causing the man who didn't bat an eye at being caught in a nuclear explosion to redden in pleased embarrassment.
It had only been a week since Clark had started waking him in the mornings and it bothered Lex that Mercy and Hope were already quite taken with his ex-nemesis. Both women seemed to get an inordinate amount of pleasure in seeing who could make Clark blush the most. Not that Lex could blame them. Clark blushed so prettily. But he wasn't there for their amusement. Clark wasn't theirs at all.
"I think I liked it better when you when you two were enemies," Lex grumbled.
"Mercy was never my enemy." Clark gave him a slow, seductive smile.
Was Clark flirting with him? Lex wondered.
"My taste in enemies runs more toward brilliant and bald," Clark murmured.
Crap. Clark was flirting with him. Despite his rapidly rising libido, Lex decided to ruthlessly put a stop to it.
"You should try giving Egghead a call."
Wearing a hurt expression, Clark left.
When Lex failed to get back to sleep, he assured himself that it was the caffeine in his system and not the memory of a pair of green eyes.
* * *
"Good morning!"
Lex groaned. "The world would have been a much better place if instead of being adopted by farmers who woke up at the crack of 'what the fuck time is it' you'd had been adopted by bankers. Or better yet, bums. Bums who got drunk every night and woke up at noon."
Sitting up, Lex wrapped the blankets around his waist, but instead of receiving his usual cup of coffee, this time he was handed a present.
"What's this?"
"Happy Anniversary." Clark was practically bouncing with excitement.
"Oh god! Please don't tell me I got high, married you, and am just finding out now."
Clark laughed. "Right. Like you don't remember."
A tremor of panic raced through Lex. Had he truly married Clark? And if he had, how long ago had it been? And why the hell wasn't he exercising his conjugal rights?
Lex was fairly close to asking Clark to strip off those stupid blue tights he was wearing and prepare for their marriage to be consummated when Clark spoke up.
"Ten years ago was the first time you vowed to destroy me. We've been mortal enemies ever since."
Staring at the package in his hands, Lex said quietly. "Clark, I'm moving to Bludhaven. Remember?"
The smile disappeared from Clark's face. "I know," he admitted reluctantly. "But you're not there yet, therefore I think it still counts that you're my nemesis. So - open your present."
After meticulously peeling off paper that was festooned with cows, moons, cats, and fiddles, Lex opened the box to find a strange rock inside. He arched an eyebrow.
"You got a me a rock? You really are my mortal enemy, aren't you?"
Clark laughed. "It's not just any rock. I was flying around and felt a strange emanation coming from below me. Investigating, I found this rock. I'm not exactly sure what it is or what it does, but it could probably be extremely dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands."
Lex studied the rock more closely. "Clark, this rock doesn't look like anything on earth." Spying Clark's guilty expression, he pursued the matter. "Where exactly were flying when you found it?"
All he heard was mumbling.
"What did you say?" Lex said, refusing to let the issue go.
Clark cleared his throat. "Venus. I was flying near Venus."
Making sure that his skin didn't touch the rock, Lex carefully placed his gift on the nightstand. "I'm touched, Clark. You got me a scary ass space rock and I don't have a thing for you."
"Like I'm going to believe that," Clark scoffed. "You forget, I have x-ray vision."
Lex bit his lip. If Clark was going to use his powers to see through blankets and pajama pants, he was so screwed. Or maybe he would get so screwed. That thought cheered him up considerably, but Clark's next words let him down again.
"I saw the underground lab at Cadmus. You know - where you're working on an evil robot." Clark eyes shined with happiness. "Don't worry. I'll still act as if I'm surprised when it emerges bent on destruction."
After Clark left, Lex picked up the phone and dialed the head of Cadmus.
"Sam, do you remember Robot X24 - the one designed to be a helper companion to people with disabilities? I'm afraid we're going to have to a make a few adjustments to the programming."
* * *
"Good morning!"
The previous night there'd been an accident in the labs. It was nothing serious, but bad enough that Lex had felt the need to be on-site to supervise the cleanup. After an extremely long night, he'd made it home where he'd dragged himself into the shower then, still damp, crawled under the sheets.
Unfortunately, that had only been a few hours earlier.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Lex leapt out of bed and glared at Clark. Furious, he pointed his finger at him. "Don't think I'm not on to you, Kent. I've figured out your plan. You're hoping to drive me so crazy with these early morning greetings that I forget my decision and declare war on you. Well, it's not going to happen. I'm moving to Bludhaven and that's that!"
It finally dawned on Lex that Clark hadn't said a word. His mouth was hanging open slightly and he was staring at Lex.
But not at Lex's face.
"You're n-n-naked," Clark stammered.
It was then that Lex realized that Superman's uniform showed pretty much everything.
"I think I should probably be taking off now," Clark said, backing away in the direction of the balcony doors without removing his gaze from Lex's groin.
"Clark..." Lex began.
"Sorry. Got to go. There's a kitten stuck in a tree. Somewhere."
In a blur of speed, Clark was gone.
Obviously, Lex decided, this situation could not continue.
* * *
Clark entered Lex's bedroom, coffee cup in hand to find Lex sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, waiting for him.
"May I have my coffee?" Lex asked, holding out his hand.
Confused, Clark handed the cup over and watched as Lex took a sip.
"Ah, perfect as always. Have I told you that you make wonderful coffee?"
"My mom taught me."
"Jonathan Kent is indeed a lucky man." Lex placed the cup down on the nightstand and reached into the drawer underneath and drew out a box. "I have something for you, Clark."
Clark barely had time to open his mouth to ask what it was when Lex flipped up the lid and the green glow of kryptonite flowed over him.
As Clark writhed in pain, Lex stood and began to pace. "I wanted you to be the first to know that I've decided not to move to Bludhaven."
Clark's eyes widened at the news and he tried to reply, but only a groan emerged from his throat.
"You're probably wondering if this means we're mortal enemies again," Lex continued. "The answer is 'No'."
Lex stopped pacing to stand in front of Clark. He raised a hand to stroke Clark's cheek. "It wasn't working being enemies. It's not working not being enemies. I'd like to suggest that we try something different."
The hand on the cheek slid down the skin of Clark's neck, then lower, tracing over the 'S' emblazoned on the suit, before moving even further down.
"What do you think?" Lex murmured.
Again, Clark groaned, only this time for a completely different reason. Lex smiled for a moment before realizing that Clark was still in pain from the kryptonite. Returning to the nightstand, he snapped the lid of the box closed.
In less than a second, Lex found himself laid out on the bed, his wrists clasped above his head, and Clark spread over him.
"If you pull a stunt like this again, I'm going to handcuff you and throw away the key," Clark growled.
Lex shifted his hips and was rewarded with a shudder from the body on top of him.
"Promises, promises."
* * *
Two months later, Lex stormed into the kitchen and took the cup of coffee Clark was offering out of his hand, all the while scowling at him.
"If you ever squeeze the toothpaste from the middle again, I'm going to shove a hunk of kryptonite where the sun doesn't shine," Lex threatened.
None of Clark's friends, either from the Daily Planet or the Justice League, could figure out why Clark spent the entire day smiling.
The End
I keep hearing that in my head. Mostly because I vowed to only work on my WIPs in October. In my defense, I've added several thousands of words to two of my HP stories, have almost finished my Clex Fest story and actually did finish a couple more. However, I've also written several new stories and have a good portion done for the Lois and Clark Challenge.
And now here's another Clark and Lex story. Totally unbeta'd - so be prepared for mistakes all over the place.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Part 1
"You're breaking up with me?" Clark yelled.
Lex scowled and hushed him while looking around the coffee shop at the other patrons, who were doing their best to pretend they hadn't heard. "I was hoping that doing this in a public place would keep you from making a scene. Evidently not."
Clark tossed his napkin down on his empty pie plate. "I can't believe this is happening."
"Come on, Clark. You know the magic has gone out of our relationship. The last time you destroyed one of my doomsday devices you didn't even bother to hang around to threaten me. You just took off."
"Well, excuse me if I was busy with a flood in Bangladesh. Superman isn't your personal property, you know. You were lucky I took the time out of my schedule to even destroy that piece of junk of yours."
Lex leaned back and folded his arms. "See! See! That's what I'm talking about. I used to be all that was important to you. Now you simply make time for me."
"That's not true. You are important to me. You'll always be important to me."
"But I'm not your number one priority. Not anymore."
Clark stayed silent. There was nothing he could say to that since it was true.
Leaning across the table, Lex took Clark's hand in his. "Listen, you've changed. We both have. It's nothing personal."
Swallowing hard, Clark nodded his understanding. "Does this mean that we should..." Even with all of his superpowers he couldn't keep his voice from cracking. "...should have other nemeses?"
Lex patted Clark's hand before gently letting it go. "I'm afraid so."
* * *
Clark knew he really should have seen it coming. After all, three weeks before he'd suspected something was wrong enough to talk to Lois about it.
"Did Luthor seem okay to you?" he'd asked.
Lois had glanced up from the mess of her desk where she was frantically searching for her last pack of Nicorette gum.
"What are you talking about, Smallville?"
"He just seemed sort of sad today."
"Well, I'm sure anti-matter devices don't come cheap. Must be a real bummer every time Superman destroys one." Giving a triumphant cry, Lois had snatched up the Nicorette box only to throw it down in disgust upon discovering that it was empty.
"Yeah, but he didn't even threaten Superman with shoving a hunk of kryptonite where the sun doesn't shine. He always says that. It's a tradition."
Lois had rolled her eyes. "He was probably too busy planning to take over the world. I wouldn't let it bother me."
Sensing Lois' complete disinterest in Luthor's moods, Clark had dropped the subject. He hadn't stopped wondering, though, if Lex was feeling okay.
* * *
Two weeks after they broke up, Superman lost his temper with Lex. With a warehouse blazing behind them as they stood in a dark dank alley, Superman turned on him.
"If you pull a stunt like this again, I'm going to handcuff you and throw away the key."
Lex stared at him. "Um... you saved me, remember? Victim here."
"Oh." Clark blushed. "Sorry. Habit."
"No problem," Lex said, shrugging it off.
For a moment, they stood together and watched the building burn before Lex spoke again. "Say, Clark, do you want to get a cup of coffee with me?"
Shuffling his feet, Clark looked down at the ground, avoiding Lex's gaze. "I don't know. There's a toxic clean-up going on in Russia I'm supposed to be at. A typhoon is headed for Asia. Then there's that Middle East thing."
"There's always a Middle East thing."
A thrill shot through Clark. Maybe Lex wanted to be mortal enemies again. Shyly, he glanced at Lex from underneath his eyelashes. "I guess it'd be okay."
"Good." Lex nodded. "Because I'd like to talk with you." He eyed the soot on Superman's suit. "Did you want to go change?"
Nodding, Clark sped off and was back in a matter of seconds dressed in a worn pair of jeans and his old Crows sweatshirt. The sound of sirens was filling the air as they headed off.
"Hey," Lex said, pausing. "Didn't you want to..." He indicated the flames behind them.
Clark blew a cold gush of air that immediately put out the fire, and then turned to Lex. "How does Denny's sound?"
"No, definitely not."
"Fine, you choose the place. But wherever you pick, they'd better have pie."
* * *
"Nightwing?" Clark screeched.
Lex leaned across the Formica table, their coffee cups still sloshing from the force of Clark's voice. "Do you think he'd go for it?"
"Yeah, but... Nightwing?"
"It would mean moving my base of operations to Bludhaven which, I admit, I'm not looking forward to."
The thought that Lex was throwing him over for the ex-Robin bothered Clark. Really, really bothered him. Lex was his villain. They'd been friends but circumstances had divided them, causing them to be enemies. It was a classic tale, just like he'd seen in several made-for-television movies.
It was Dick Grayson who would soon be the beneficiary of all of Lex's intense stares. Those stares that made Clark feel as if any moment Lex would fall upon him in a rage, take control of him, and do his best to make Clark scream.
Surreptitiously, Clark adjusted his trousers.
"Lex, can I be honest with you?" Clark took a deep breath. "I've known Nightwing for a long time. He's a great guy. I'm just not sure if he's the right guy to be your next nemesis."
"Why not?"
"First of all, he's not exactly a rocket scientist."
Lex bit his lip to keep from smiling. "And you were?"
"No, but I do have perfect recall, know almost all human languages, and have access to the AI if I don't understand something."
"This from a man who forgot Lois' birthday last year and almost had to have one of her high heels extracted from an extremely sensitive area."
"Hey," Clark said, indignantly, "I didn't forget. I was too busy with that alien invasion to go shopping."
"Right." Lex took a sip of his coffee, and then looked back up at Clark. "What else is wrong with Nightwing?"
"Well, isn't he sort of... I don't know... not really in your league?"
"What do you mean?"
"I just figured that if we weren't enemies you'd find someone else who was a big name, like Batman."
"Batman's out, mostly because he's like you - too busy running around with the Justice League to pay attention to the enemies he already has. Not to mention that he's already got more guys after his ass than a skanky cheerleader at a frat party."
Silently Clark memorized that last bit to use on Bruce at the next possible opportunity. "What about Spiderman?" he suggested.
"Spiderman and the Green Goblin are obsessed with each other. I'm sure I could get Spiderman's attention, but anything long-term just wouldn't work out."
Lowering his eyes to his empty plate, Clark mumbled, "You used to be obsessed with me."
Lex let out a shaky exhalation. "Clark, it's over. I thought you understood that."
"I know," Clark said hastily. "It's just that... I miss you."
"Clark--"
"Well, I do. Now it's just fly somewhere, save some people, then fly back. There's no one plotting world domination. There's no weird secret weapon that could destroy life as we know it. There's no one trying to kill me with green kryptonite." Clark let out a long sigh. "It's not fun, anymore."
"We shouldn't have come here together. I thought as long as we weren't threatening each other, it would be okay." Rising from his chair, Lex tossed a few bills onto the table. "I'm sorry, Clark."
For several minutes after Lex left, Clark felt disheartened as he gazed at the empty seat across from him before he remembered something. Something important.
He was Superman. He could do anything.
Lex had once said that their friendship would be the stuff of legends. Clark was determined that their rivalry would be legendary as well.
Clark was going to get Lex Luthor back.
Part 2
Lex stared at the mess on the floor of his penthouse.
For years he'd hated Clark passionately and those strong feelings had been vigorously returned. When it had become clear that Clark had moved on, it had been quite a blow to Lex's ego. Knowing that he needed to break off their relationship before he became pathetic in his efforts to warrant Clark's attention, Lex had done so in his usual quick and decisive manner.
Unfortunately, Clark wasn't cooperating.
"I've destroyed your latest threat to mankind, Luthor," Superman intoned.
Lex couldn't help it. His mouth dropped open for a moment, before he managed to gather his wits. "That wasn't a weapon. That was my new espresso machine. It just arrived today from Italy."
"Yes! And now it will be unable to wreak destruction."
"To what?" Lex shouted "Starbucks' bottom line?"
"Ah, but I know you, Luthor. Too much caffeine makes you jittery. When you're jittery you do evil things. Like that time you drank three double espressos and decided to add your face to Mount Rushmore."
"It's only a matter of time till it happens on its own," Lex sniffed.
"Or the time you were over caffeinated and decided that the Statue of Liberty would look better if she was bald."
"Bald is beautiful."
"And how about the time you took out the meter maid's car in Smallville? Was it a coincidence that you were drinking coffee? I think not."
"Clark," Lex said slowly, "I know you're upset about us not being mortal enemies anymore, but take away my caffeine and I will kill you."
"I just think that you should treat it as a controlled substance. How about every morning I bring you a cup of coffee?"
"What size?" Lex asked, going into negotiation mode.
"Large."
"Fine. You can bring me coffee every day. But just until I move to Bludhaven," Lex agreed.
"Right. After that you can drink all the coffee you want and it'll be Nightwing's problem."
Lex stared at Clark for a long moment and wondered why he felt as if he'd just been snookered.
* * *
"Good morning!"
Lex groaned and pulled the covers over his head.
"Wake up, sleepyhead. You don't want to miss the sunrise."
Dragging the blankets down, Lex glared at Clark, whose brightly colored Superman suit almost convinced Lex to dive back underneath the covers.
"Did you know that in ancient Babylonia, sunrises were considered sacred and anyone caught witnessing one was summarily executed?"
Clark's smile dropped a notch. "Is that true?"
"No. But if I ever become supreme ruler of the world, it sounds like a pretty good idea." Lex sat up on the edge of the bed. "Now hand over my coffee before someone gets hurt."
At that moment, Mercy slammed open the door, the gun in her hand pointed at Clark's heart. It took her only a few seconds to relax and lower the weapon. "Oh, it's you, Kent."
"Hey, Mercy. There's a bag of fresh baked croissants on the counter for you and Hope."
Lex watched in amazement as his tough-as-nails bodyguard beamed happily and leaned over to give Clark a peck on the cheek in thanks, causing the man who didn't bat an eye at being caught in a nuclear explosion to redden in pleased embarrassment.
It had only been a week since Clark had started waking him in the mornings and it bothered Lex that Mercy and Hope were already quite taken with his ex-nemesis. Both women seemed to get an inordinate amount of pleasure in seeing who could make Clark blush the most. Not that Lex could blame them. Clark blushed so prettily. But he wasn't there for their amusement. Clark wasn't theirs at all.
"I think I liked it better when you when you two were enemies," Lex grumbled.
"Mercy was never my enemy." Clark gave him a slow, seductive smile.
Was Clark flirting with him? Lex wondered.
"My taste in enemies runs more toward brilliant and bald," Clark murmured.
Crap. Clark was flirting with him. Despite his rapidly rising libido, Lex decided to ruthlessly put a stop to it.
"You should try giving Egghead a call."
Wearing a hurt expression, Clark left.
When Lex failed to get back to sleep, he assured himself that it was the caffeine in his system and not the memory of a pair of green eyes.
* * *
"Good morning!"
Lex groaned. "The world would have been a much better place if instead of being adopted by farmers who woke up at the crack of 'what the fuck time is it' you'd had been adopted by bankers. Or better yet, bums. Bums who got drunk every night and woke up at noon."
Sitting up, Lex wrapped the blankets around his waist, but instead of receiving his usual cup of coffee, this time he was handed a present.
"What's this?"
"Happy Anniversary." Clark was practically bouncing with excitement.
"Oh god! Please don't tell me I got high, married you, and am just finding out now."
Clark laughed. "Right. Like you don't remember."
A tremor of panic raced through Lex. Had he truly married Clark? And if he had, how long ago had it been? And why the hell wasn't he exercising his conjugal rights?
Lex was fairly close to asking Clark to strip off those stupid blue tights he was wearing and prepare for their marriage to be consummated when Clark spoke up.
"Ten years ago was the first time you vowed to destroy me. We've been mortal enemies ever since."
Staring at the package in his hands, Lex said quietly. "Clark, I'm moving to Bludhaven. Remember?"
The smile disappeared from Clark's face. "I know," he admitted reluctantly. "But you're not there yet, therefore I think it still counts that you're my nemesis. So - open your present."
After meticulously peeling off paper that was festooned with cows, moons, cats, and fiddles, Lex opened the box to find a strange rock inside. He arched an eyebrow.
"You got a me a rock? You really are my mortal enemy, aren't you?"
Clark laughed. "It's not just any rock. I was flying around and felt a strange emanation coming from below me. Investigating, I found this rock. I'm not exactly sure what it is or what it does, but it could probably be extremely dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands."
Lex studied the rock more closely. "Clark, this rock doesn't look like anything on earth." Spying Clark's guilty expression, he pursued the matter. "Where exactly were flying when you found it?"
All he heard was mumbling.
"What did you say?" Lex said, refusing to let the issue go.
Clark cleared his throat. "Venus. I was flying near Venus."
Making sure that his skin didn't touch the rock, Lex carefully placed his gift on the nightstand. "I'm touched, Clark. You got me a scary ass space rock and I don't have a thing for you."
"Like I'm going to believe that," Clark scoffed. "You forget, I have x-ray vision."
Lex bit his lip. If Clark was going to use his powers to see through blankets and pajama pants, he was so screwed. Or maybe he would get so screwed. That thought cheered him up considerably, but Clark's next words let him down again.
"I saw the underground lab at Cadmus. You know - where you're working on an evil robot." Clark eyes shined with happiness. "Don't worry. I'll still act as if I'm surprised when it emerges bent on destruction."
After Clark left, Lex picked up the phone and dialed the head of Cadmus.
"Sam, do you remember Robot X24 - the one designed to be a helper companion to people with disabilities? I'm afraid we're going to have to a make a few adjustments to the programming."
* * *
"Good morning!"
The previous night there'd been an accident in the labs. It was nothing serious, but bad enough that Lex had felt the need to be on-site to supervise the cleanup. After an extremely long night, he'd made it home where he'd dragged himself into the shower then, still damp, crawled under the sheets.
Unfortunately, that had only been a few hours earlier.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Lex leapt out of bed and glared at Clark. Furious, he pointed his finger at him. "Don't think I'm not on to you, Kent. I've figured out your plan. You're hoping to drive me so crazy with these early morning greetings that I forget my decision and declare war on you. Well, it's not going to happen. I'm moving to Bludhaven and that's that!"
It finally dawned on Lex that Clark hadn't said a word. His mouth was hanging open slightly and he was staring at Lex.
But not at Lex's face.
"You're n-n-naked," Clark stammered.
It was then that Lex realized that Superman's uniform showed pretty much everything.
"I think I should probably be taking off now," Clark said, backing away in the direction of the balcony doors without removing his gaze from Lex's groin.
"Clark..." Lex began.
"Sorry. Got to go. There's a kitten stuck in a tree. Somewhere."
In a blur of speed, Clark was gone.
Obviously, Lex decided, this situation could not continue.
* * *
Clark entered Lex's bedroom, coffee cup in hand to find Lex sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, waiting for him.
"May I have my coffee?" Lex asked, holding out his hand.
Confused, Clark handed the cup over and watched as Lex took a sip.
"Ah, perfect as always. Have I told you that you make wonderful coffee?"
"My mom taught me."
"Jonathan Kent is indeed a lucky man." Lex placed the cup down on the nightstand and reached into the drawer underneath and drew out a box. "I have something for you, Clark."
Clark barely had time to open his mouth to ask what it was when Lex flipped up the lid and the green glow of kryptonite flowed over him.
As Clark writhed in pain, Lex stood and began to pace. "I wanted you to be the first to know that I've decided not to move to Bludhaven."
Clark's eyes widened at the news and he tried to reply, but only a groan emerged from his throat.
"You're probably wondering if this means we're mortal enemies again," Lex continued. "The answer is 'No'."
Lex stopped pacing to stand in front of Clark. He raised a hand to stroke Clark's cheek. "It wasn't working being enemies. It's not working not being enemies. I'd like to suggest that we try something different."
The hand on the cheek slid down the skin of Clark's neck, then lower, tracing over the 'S' emblazoned on the suit, before moving even further down.
"What do you think?" Lex murmured.
Again, Clark groaned, only this time for a completely different reason. Lex smiled for a moment before realizing that Clark was still in pain from the kryptonite. Returning to the nightstand, he snapped the lid of the box closed.
In less than a second, Lex found himself laid out on the bed, his wrists clasped above his head, and Clark spread over him.
"If you pull a stunt like this again, I'm going to handcuff you and throw away the key," Clark growled.
Lex shifted his hips and was rewarded with a shudder from the body on top of him.
"Promises, promises."
* * *
Two months later, Lex stormed into the kitchen and took the cup of coffee Clark was offering out of his hand, all the while scowling at him.
"If you ever squeeze the toothpaste from the middle again, I'm going to shove a hunk of kryptonite where the sun doesn't shine," Lex threatened.
None of Clark's friends, either from the Daily Planet or the Justice League, could figure out why Clark spent the entire day smiling.
The End