I'm tired...
I really wanted to get this out before MFF but time didn't allow it. I probably should've started drafting this weeks ago...
This is... a really long story
Back in 2021, through what feels like some strange series of events in... March? I found out Pawnce was cheating on me with a friend (Scott) he had met while we were apart for the 3 months I was getting my house in Georgia ready to sell while he was up here working. This was not just him having sex with someone else and not telling me (our relationship has always been open, but communication also has to be open) but Scott was under the impression they were dating. Whether they actually were or not, I feel like I'm never going to get the full story. I don't think I'd ever been so angry in my life. I didn't want to end our relationship at that point, I figured it could be worked on, and we agreed he needed to go to therapy to straighten out whatever was going on in his head. He's got better medical coverage than I do, but I agreed to pay for half. He found one in a few months and started doing sessions once a week for an hour
I realized during this whole thing that he seeks validation in others, emotionally, sexually, whatever. He needs to love bomb someone and receive their affection in return. Unfortunately, he'd already gotten attached to someone new and when I told him he needed to stop seeing/talking to Scott he also needed to stop seeing Harrison his new "friend", which he refused to do and at that point I really should've let the relationship go, because he had made his choice and it wasn't me. I let way, way too much shit slide during this time because I think I thought everything was going to get better, because people don't change overnight
At some point in 2023, I was tired of Pawnce being gone almost every weekend to go see Harrison in Lansing (an hour away, would spend the night), he was still going to therapy regularly but I didn't feel like our relationship was getting any better. Very little between us was changing for the better. At this point I started the process of filing for divorce. I contacted a lawyer that felt very hands off, but would still walk me through the process. I was hoping I wasn't going to owe him any equity out of the house here in Michigan because I closed on it 3 days before we got married in 2019 (yes, I did that on purpose), but because I refinanced with everyone and their brother in 2020 when interest rates were low I did in fact owe him half the equity. I was within a few months of finally wrapping up the settlement from the motorcycle accident, so I pulled a 2nd mortgage, zeroed out on my credit cards and gave Pawnce 45 or 50k<
Court paperwork moves at a snails pace and I held onto serving him, though he knew it was coming at the time, because he started having pain in one of his shoulder's up near his neck. This is where everything cascades into his first neck surgery the day after Christmas and me letting the case expire because I'm not an asshole (but I probably should be), he recovered quickly and at this point things actually did seem to be getting better between us. He helped out around the house a little more, wanted to spend time with me and off his phone, etc. I think some of it was the guilt because I had basically had to wait on him hand and foot while he was recovering
We went away for our 5th anniversary in February this year, had too much to drink and ended up getting into an argument. Neither of us can really remember what it was about but I'm sure I made some snide remark about his dynamic with Harrison, and how uncomfortably close he is with him. After that, anytime I was gone for a weekend the outdoor camera I have that overlooks the driveway/side door to the house would conveniently lose its connection. A few months of that and I replaced the camera with one that connects directly to the Wifi instead of going through a bridge (which is what was getting turned off when I left) to the router
In June, Pawnce had recently had his 2nd neck surgery and wasn't going to make it to a wedding I was going to out of state, but that didn't stop him from having some rando over because all his friends were out of town. For context, we had agreed not to have people over while the other one was gone after the whole Scott fiasco a couple years ago. Honestly, I didn't want people over even if we were both home. Our relationship got progressively more distant, sexually, and with how flirty I can get with my friends it just felt awkward to have anyone around that I was interested in playing with. We hadn't had sex in 3 years, I had to outsource, I'm only human
Then in July, Pawnce started to have some pretty bad anxiety and got on some meds for it. I was about to go away for the weekend but offered to hang back because he was having a rough go of things but he insisted I continue with my plans, so I did. He ended up having Harrison over while I was gone, which he told me about, but he didn't tell me that Harrison spent the night (which I knew because I had replaced the camera). It took me a few weeks to muster up the 'I'm done' courage, but I just kept thinking about how much of anything was real. The anxiety (which went away immediately after I called it quits), specifically the drives he used to take to try to help with it, the depression, anything I was told. Little things like "I'm going to the gym", "I'm going for a walk", but are you though? That's the kind of shit that's going to fuck me up for a while
Severe breakdown in trust and communication aside, I'm just tired. Tired of being the only one that cleans, tired of being the only one that cooks and does dishes, tired of doing all the yardwork and laundry. Tired of being the functioning adult. I don't know how I ever managed to do football practice 3x a week, and make dinner and keep up with the house. Pawnce did all of the things I listed sometimes, or once or twice, but never consistently, or only when I asked, or I was gone, or after we had a long talk about how I can't continue to do all this on my own. I mean, I can, but when it's only me it's easier to pick up after myself and things stay significantly cleaner. And he always wanted praise or a thank you for doing anything that keeps the house going, and I just couldn't ever get him to see/understand that this is what adults do, and it can be a thankless job
Pawnce bought a house in early October after I filed for divorce again. I've been helping him paint, replace fixtures, and generally just prep for him to live there. He moved a little over half? his stuff a few weeks ago, I'm hoping once we're done painting the basement he'll come get the rest of his stuff, which everything can fit in either or both of our SUVs. My living room is empty and it'll be my first painting project so I can order a couch and hang a TV in there, I'm currently sitting on my bed in the mornings watching the local news or sitting on the futon in my office. I'll eventually get another bed for the guest room and hopefully people will visit, because I'm ready for people in my space again. I'm ready for fires in the backyard and hanging out outside with a beer. Between his house and me essentially fucking off all of November (which I needed in the worst way) I didn't get any art done for the art show for MFF, so that's something I want to work on once the living room is more set up. It's a long room so I may set up like a satellite desk for work/art until I tear up and re-do the basement living space
Sometimes I wish I could be mad about all of this. I was upset with myself for a while, viscerally mad just hits different, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm just tired and ready to be on the other side of this
tl;dr: I'm in the final stages/paperwork of getting a divorce. Pawnce moved out a couple weeks ago to his own house. I'm okay for the most part, adjusting to having the house to myself, getting into a new routine and eventually (soon) starting some painting projects. At some point I'll have to start telling people, so I figured I'd start here, but because I didn't get this out before the con, I've told a few people that are close to us while I was there
I was done at the beginning of August. Enough things I was being told just didn't feel right, I knew I was never going to get the truth, and I was tired of being lied to