The Girl Method
I stumbled over this article in a fashion magazine and thought it was very interesting. This particular article focused on girls and their ways of dealing with conflicts. It's a little shallow in places, but I thought it was interesting anyway. I basically love learning about cultures and society ♥
Drama, shutting people out and talking behind their backs is a part of growing up. Why are girls so mean to each other?
The most popular girl in the class called me one day I was home sick from school. She told me that my boyfriend, whom I was overjoyed to have hooked up with the day before (however, after four other girls said no when he asked them), had broken up with me. My throat went dry, and I asked her with a shaky voice why. The girl triumphantly told me my ex was going steady with her instead. Click. I have never forgiven the girl for that. At that moment she became evil itself.
'Making drama is femininity off-track. I think it's about unfortunate girl socialization', says Elisabeth L'orange Fürst, professor at Social Anthropological Institute, with special studies in gender and society. I think I'm not the only one who looks back at my teenage days with mixed feelings. What was really going on in the girl cliques? Why was there so much drama? Who was in charge, and how did that come to be?
It definitely wasn't me. I went home with one girlfriend the first day and another the next. I never understood that I sometimes was a pawn in a very intricate game. It wasn't necessarily me they were competing to go home with. I was simply an okay replacement for their first choice, if she'd got a new best friend that week.
Luckily, I liked to play soccer a bit too much to notice this treatment. As far as I was concerned, I was happy. But I liked to hang out with the guys the most. It just seemed as if they had it easier. They were straight-forward and honest with each other. If conflicts appeared they would fight, and be done with it.
So why are some girls mean, sneaky and calculating towards the others? It's not like all girls are born mean.
'Girls are not meaner to each other than guys are, but they have other ways of handling their relationships', says the leader at The Center for Women and Gender Research.
Pent-Up Aggression
This isn't about biology, but about socialization. Within the traditional gender socialization it's the girls who evolves faster than the boys in dealing with relationships. They can understand more complex communication patterns and they are better at empathizing with others. This skill can also be used negatively - for example in conflicts with other girls. Where the guys fist fight, the girls will use language's more refined mechanisms when they fight for power.
'Girls use verbal communication as a means to achieve their goals. Boys more violent way of solving conflicts are often deemed better, perhaps because masculine qualities are preferred in our society. From my point of view, none of the methods are better than the other.'
This is where "hidden" power techniques like talking behind people's backs and making drama comes in. These are subtle ways to fight for power. Professor L'orange Fürst thinks it's a normal cultural expectation for girls to not show aggression, and explains that this can have unfortunate consequences.
'Little girls shouldn't fight, they shouldn't compete, isn't encouraged to discuss or to act out. They are raised to show compassion. The little boys, however, are allowed to explore their negative emotions through play, sports and fist fights. They are angry, raw and brutal towards each other once in a while - and this comes across as perfectly OK. They get to explore and channel their negative feelings to socially accepted activities. Their pent-up aggression gets an outlet. Girls are expected to play peacefully with dolls and their aggression gets bottled up. Most of the time, this aggression gets turned inward towards the girls themselves. It can also come out later in life through mean and calculating behavior.
Today's world is a hard one for young girls to socialize in. Girls should have a feminine and pretty exterior, but typical "masculine" personality traits like being rational, straight-forward and fair. Well-liked girls doesn't show "feminine" traits like emotional, anxious and hysterical. The ideal is a "square" girl in a slim and feminine body.
The Chosen One
On the surface, girls' intricate behavior is about insecurity. The more secure the girls are, the less of a need for affirmation from others. A lot of the explanation is in the young girl's fear of being an outsider and different from the other girls; fat, thin, ugly, braces, greasy hair, dry hair, accent, short, tall. The period - either you have it or you haven't. The things teenagers can have complexes for has no limits. Is there really something that's normal?
During the teenage years it's extremely important to be popular. Their social network is the structure around breaking away from their parents. Children are supposed to evolve into independent adults and in this process, friends are very important. They can't evolve alone. The anxiety to stand by yourselves is strong and totally natural from a evolutionary point of view.
It's proven that there's often structural differences in relationships between girls and between boys. The boys' world is organized after a hierarchic system, a bit like military structure, and the goal is to move upwards in the hierarchy. In the girls' world the alliances are constantly changing. Their structure is in a way egalitarian (even though it doesn't appear that way all the time). But what is the goal for girls?
'They strive to get chosen by each other. They want to be the best friend, the only friend. Their need can be compared to that of an adult's romantic relationships. The intimacy the girls strive for, comes with some degree of ostracism. There's no room for a third party in the twosome.
While the friendships are forming, it's very hard for the ones that gets shut out of this. The most popular girls are usually the ones who's early physically developed and has access to cool clothes. But already in high school do these girls start to lose to the ideal to be special and individual that continues into adult life. The prime for these popular girls are usually short. That's probably some comfort to the girls who has really felt what it's like to be left out in the cold.
Gender Assumptions
'Women's social patterns are generally looked down upon in society. There's still huge prejudices towards typical women's relationships. Most people thinks it's a good thing to get men into female dominated jobs like nurses and pre-school teachers. But when women try to get jobs that are male dominated, conflicts appears. This example gives insight into how we think men and women are.
But what is it to be a woman? A lot is about prejudices. Girls' behavior is based on the gender socialization far back to the toddler stage. The girls' alliance based relationships is a non-violent and advanced communication method to handle conflicts. No matter if this is about intelligent ways of expressing feelings, and independent from being explained by wrong socialization, this way of dealing with conflicts is hurtful to the girls it affect. It doesn't feel good to be a victim to ostracism, but it seems like most girls have been involved in it. So what can we do about it in the future?
Precautionary Methods
'I think the key is to see your children and recognize them for their entire emotional spectrum. For all children it's extremely important to be seen, accepted and get to confirmation that it's okay to be angry and have negative feelings right from the start. It's important for girls to get to express "boyish" and selfish aspects of themselves, like aggression. Girls have to feel like they are good people even when they have negative emotions. It's also important for the children to be equal members of the family. A girl doesn't get selfish by being recognized, but if she doesn't get attention at home, she can turn into a very selfish girl in other situations.
Don't strive for your daughter to be popular and well-liked everywhere. Let her get an outlet for her emotions instead - even if that means she'll be a bit unpopular sometimes. It won't kill her. Show understanding for negative feelings, but guide her reactions. It's perfectly okay to be angry, but she doesn't need to hit anyone. A healthy girl is a girl who gets to have a lot of different character traits, also those who are regarded as masculine. To raise children after a traditional gender role can be very destructive, and is basically gender oppressing.
The little, pink princesses can quickly become cute, little drama queens.'
Drama, shutting people out and talking behind their backs is a part of growing up. Why are girls so mean to each other?
The most popular girl in the class called me one day I was home sick from school. She told me that my boyfriend, whom I was overjoyed to have hooked up with the day before (however, after four other girls said no when he asked them), had broken up with me. My throat went dry, and I asked her with a shaky voice why. The girl triumphantly told me my ex was going steady with her instead. Click. I have never forgiven the girl for that. At that moment she became evil itself.
'Making drama is femininity off-track. I think it's about unfortunate girl socialization', says Elisabeth L'orange Fürst, professor at Social Anthropological Institute, with special studies in gender and society. I think I'm not the only one who looks back at my teenage days with mixed feelings. What was really going on in the girl cliques? Why was there so much drama? Who was in charge, and how did that come to be?
It definitely wasn't me. I went home with one girlfriend the first day and another the next. I never understood that I sometimes was a pawn in a very intricate game. It wasn't necessarily me they were competing to go home with. I was simply an okay replacement for their first choice, if she'd got a new best friend that week.
Luckily, I liked to play soccer a bit too much to notice this treatment. As far as I was concerned, I was happy. But I liked to hang out with the guys the most. It just seemed as if they had it easier. They were straight-forward and honest with each other. If conflicts appeared they would fight, and be done with it.
So why are some girls mean, sneaky and calculating towards the others? It's not like all girls are born mean.
'Girls are not meaner to each other than guys are, but they have other ways of handling their relationships', says the leader at The Center for Women and Gender Research.
Pent-Up Aggression
This isn't about biology, but about socialization. Within the traditional gender socialization it's the girls who evolves faster than the boys in dealing with relationships. They can understand more complex communication patterns and they are better at empathizing with others. This skill can also be used negatively - for example in conflicts with other girls. Where the guys fist fight, the girls will use language's more refined mechanisms when they fight for power.
'Girls use verbal communication as a means to achieve their goals. Boys more violent way of solving conflicts are often deemed better, perhaps because masculine qualities are preferred in our society. From my point of view, none of the methods are better than the other.'
This is where "hidden" power techniques like talking behind people's backs and making drama comes in. These are subtle ways to fight for power. Professor L'orange Fürst thinks it's a normal cultural expectation for girls to not show aggression, and explains that this can have unfortunate consequences.
'Little girls shouldn't fight, they shouldn't compete, isn't encouraged to discuss or to act out. They are raised to show compassion. The little boys, however, are allowed to explore their negative emotions through play, sports and fist fights. They are angry, raw and brutal towards each other once in a while - and this comes across as perfectly OK. They get to explore and channel their negative feelings to socially accepted activities. Their pent-up aggression gets an outlet. Girls are expected to play peacefully with dolls and their aggression gets bottled up. Most of the time, this aggression gets turned inward towards the girls themselves. It can also come out later in life through mean and calculating behavior.
Today's world is a hard one for young girls to socialize in. Girls should have a feminine and pretty exterior, but typical "masculine" personality traits like being rational, straight-forward and fair. Well-liked girls doesn't show "feminine" traits like emotional, anxious and hysterical. The ideal is a "square" girl in a slim and feminine body.
The Chosen One
On the surface, girls' intricate behavior is about insecurity. The more secure the girls are, the less of a need for affirmation from others. A lot of the explanation is in the young girl's fear of being an outsider and different from the other girls; fat, thin, ugly, braces, greasy hair, dry hair, accent, short, tall. The period - either you have it or you haven't. The things teenagers can have complexes for has no limits. Is there really something that's normal?
During the teenage years it's extremely important to be popular. Their social network is the structure around breaking away from their parents. Children are supposed to evolve into independent adults and in this process, friends are very important. They can't evolve alone. The anxiety to stand by yourselves is strong and totally natural from a evolutionary point of view.
It's proven that there's often structural differences in relationships between girls and between boys. The boys' world is organized after a hierarchic system, a bit like military structure, and the goal is to move upwards in the hierarchy. In the girls' world the alliances are constantly changing. Their structure is in a way egalitarian (even though it doesn't appear that way all the time). But what is the goal for girls?
'They strive to get chosen by each other. They want to be the best friend, the only friend. Their need can be compared to that of an adult's romantic relationships. The intimacy the girls strive for, comes with some degree of ostracism. There's no room for a third party in the twosome.
While the friendships are forming, it's very hard for the ones that gets shut out of this. The most popular girls are usually the ones who's early physically developed and has access to cool clothes. But already in high school do these girls start to lose to the ideal to be special and individual that continues into adult life. The prime for these popular girls are usually short. That's probably some comfort to the girls who has really felt what it's like to be left out in the cold.
Gender Assumptions
'Women's social patterns are generally looked down upon in society. There's still huge prejudices towards typical women's relationships. Most people thinks it's a good thing to get men into female dominated jobs like nurses and pre-school teachers. But when women try to get jobs that are male dominated, conflicts appears. This example gives insight into how we think men and women are.
But what is it to be a woman? A lot is about prejudices. Girls' behavior is based on the gender socialization far back to the toddler stage. The girls' alliance based relationships is a non-violent and advanced communication method to handle conflicts. No matter if this is about intelligent ways of expressing feelings, and independent from being explained by wrong socialization, this way of dealing with conflicts is hurtful to the girls it affect. It doesn't feel good to be a victim to ostracism, but it seems like most girls have been involved in it. So what can we do about it in the future?
Precautionary Methods
'I think the key is to see your children and recognize them for their entire emotional spectrum. For all children it's extremely important to be seen, accepted and get to confirmation that it's okay to be angry and have negative feelings right from the start. It's important for girls to get to express "boyish" and selfish aspects of themselves, like aggression. Girls have to feel like they are good people even when they have negative emotions. It's also important for the children to be equal members of the family. A girl doesn't get selfish by being recognized, but if she doesn't get attention at home, she can turn into a very selfish girl in other situations.
Don't strive for your daughter to be popular and well-liked everywhere. Let her get an outlet for her emotions instead - even if that means she'll be a bit unpopular sometimes. It won't kill her. Show understanding for negative feelings, but guide her reactions. It's perfectly okay to be angry, but she doesn't need to hit anyone. A healthy girl is a girl who gets to have a lot of different character traits, also those who are regarded as masculine. To raise children after a traditional gender role can be very destructive, and is basically gender oppressing.
The little, pink princesses can quickly become cute, little drama queens.'