Comments | mainegirlwrites: Weekly Drabble #10 - Caught in the Rain / Team Poetry

mainegirlwrites

Weekly Drabble #10 - Caught in the Rain / Team Poetry

Mar 22, 2012 19:14

Weekly Drabble #10
Re: Team Poetry

Caught in the Rain

Stay by my side? her questioning eyes beseeched. They were huddled under her little sister's umbrella, the one with the pink fluffy unicorns. He stared through the heavy vinyl, watching the massive raindrops pull through the unicorns' manes. It was almost too much - the smell of his wet raincoat, ( Read more... )

team poetry drabble writerverse

Comments 7

Love this - the way you change the mood so! womanofletters March 23 2012, 01:01:12 UTC

It starts off sounding like a sweet love story and ends up as a sad rejection. Wow. I love the way you change the mood on this. Great drabble!

Some of the lines I really liked:

"It was almost too much - the smell of his wet raincoat, the plastic umbrella, her body too close to him - and she was asking him to stay."

"She bowed her head, her quick sob hidden by the sudden pounding rain that threatened to swamp their frail shelter."

I especially loved the line that was so unexpected: "It was more like bared teeth than a smile, a snarl that answered her question." I almost thought -- monster flick!

Re: Love this - the way you change the mood so! womanofletters March 23 2012, 01:58:27 UTC

And one more thing - I got the sense that she was definitely younger than him. Like she was a teenager, maybe 16 or 17, and he was at least in his 20's. Was that right?

Re: Love this - the way you change the mood so! mainegirlwrites March 26 2012, 00:37:09 UTC

Hey girl! Sorry for the late response, I was away for 4 days in a place with no wifi - can you imagine?! Sheesh!! I believe that she was younger than him, and much more immature - choosing her little sister's silly umbrella, wearing high heels in the rain...I mean, what was she thinking, right? Teehee. Hope you are doing well!!

wynefred March 23 2012, 02:18:08 UTC

Wow! This is beautiful. I could almost smell the rain. And the looks on their faces! Such wonderful descriptions, hon. Excellent job!

review mainegirlwrites March 26 2012, 00:33:28 UTC

Thank you for your kind words, this was a fun challenge! Sorry I have not replied sooner, I was away for four days at a place with no wifi - can you imagine?!

erifnosmirc March 24 2012, 02:18:35 UTC

I like this, short and bittersweet. You have such a way with description and detail. It really makes the piece, so much that I think you could even do without the italicized internal dialogue. The body language conveys the gist of their conversation as is, and I think it's all the more powerful that way.

review mainegirlwrites March 26 2012, 00:35:17 UTC

Thank you for your kind words regarding my 200 word drabble. You raise an interesting point, I may rework it so it does not contain the internal dialogue. Hm! I like when folks make me think about my writing! And sorry for the late response, I was away for 4 days in a place with no wifi - can you imagine?!