fic: Retrospect
Title: RetrospectAuthor: adaman_t
Genres: Angst/Romance
Rating: M
Warnings: Angst and sex awaits you.
Word Count: 3, 654
Summary: In retrospect, Mai should have seen this coming.
"Is everything alright?" Mai asks, coming up behind Zuko on her balcony, the darkness of the night encompassing the pair like a blanket; shielding them from the truth they're both subconsciously aware of, but are unwilling to accept.
He's been stressed lately; withdrawn and ominous. Mai won't voice it outright, but she's afraid. What is he planning?
He's startled by her question, and jumps around to look at her. She's reminded of a startled animal and the haunted look in his eyes horrifies her, but still, she goes to him.
He walks toward her, his stare imploring her, piercing her soul and looking right through her. She's freshly bathed and dressed in her sleeping robes with her hair undone, the warm summer breeze manipulating strands of fine black hair to dance around her face. Mai is holding her robes to her body, the silken sleeves falling down her forearm like a whisper while the other stays motionless at her side.
She looks afraid, and her eyes speak volumes. The guilt racks Zuko's form as he presses his lips to her forehead, his hand holding the back of her head.
"It will be," he rasps, his other hand grasping her hip. His lips move down the left side of her face with an unexplained urgency, and he claims her lips with the desperation of a dying man taking his last breath.
Leaving Mai behind was one of the more difficult decisions he had to make after resolving to join to Avatar.
Zuko wrote Mai a letter explaining his departure from the Fire Nation as a traitor because he knew that if he did it face to face, he wouldn't have been able to leave her behind. He knew that there would have been a fight and harsh words strewn haphazardly and unthinkingly.
Perhaps it was selfish, but he didn't want his last good memory of Mai to be one shadowed with anger and tinted with hate. Maybe it was weakness, but he refused to watch Mai's heart shatter before his eyes. Her pain was his pain.
Everyone would deny it, reassuring that he was strong and brave for going against his country - his father, but that didn't make him feel better.
Despite his valor, Zuko felt like a coward.
So, when Sokka asked him if he left behind anyone he cared about, he immediately thought of Mai, with her expressive eyes and gentle smile, reserved only for him.
He felt the dopey smile etching on his face before he could stop it. "Well… I did have a girlfriend."
Despite her efforts, Mai feels the tears welling in her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall, and instead, savours the moment. Her hands go around his neck, grasping the base of his hair in her fist and placing the other on his shoulder. She feels the heat spreading throughout her body; some of it hers, some of it Zuko's.
Gently, Zuko guides Mai backward, intending to lead her to bed where they spent so much time learning each other's bodies.
However, he miscalculates and Mai's back hits the door. Not expecting the impact, Mai takes a sharp breath, looking up into his now bashful eyes, a blush overtaking his face for much different reasons. Mai grins. Whatever is bothering hasn't taken her Zuko away from her yet.
"S-sorry," he whispers awkwardly, then silences any reply she had with another kiss, pushing her against the door as he presses his body closer to hers.
It's as if he can't get close enough to her, Mai notes, comforted by his weight. Shaking off the unsettling feeling coursing through her being, Mai forces a breathless chuckle and kisses him back with just as much vigor.
"Dork," she smirks after catching her breath. She guides him back to the large bed that awaits them for the last time.
Dear Mai,
In retrospect, Mai really should have seen this coming. In fact, she did see it; she just refused to accept it. At least, that's what she told herself.
Her gaze darkened, clouding with tears as she re-read the letter for the thousandth time. The tears she was trying to keep at bay finally fell, and once they started, they didn't stop. Her chest tightened and she collapsed to the floor, sobs shaking her shoulders as she allowed herself to break for the first and last time.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but,
Mai took this opportunity to break, well aware that another would not be given to her. She wouldn't be permitted to cry after this, not with Azula breathing down her neck.
Tears streaked down her cheeks, makeup running and eyes swollen with tears. Her shoulders heaved with her cries, her entire being consumed by grief.
Then, slowly but gradually, anger began to take over, tightening in her chest like a vice and spreading throughout her system like poison.
He couldn't even dignify this heart-break by confronting her.
"You bastard," she gasped, lips curling into a snarl.
He didn't even give her the choice to join him. Steadily, the tears continue to fall.
I'm leaving.
The bluntness hurt, but what else could she have expected? Eloquence was never the idiot's strong suit.
Having removed his clothing on the way to the bed with Mai's help, Zuko clumsily unties her robe. He fumbles with the sash, a habit they both thought had been broken long ago, back when love was new and touch was foreign. Zuko frees her from the robes' confines, allowing it to fall delicately open and expose her smooth, pale skin. He takes the opportunity to look at her, drinking in the sight her naked body before settling on her light gold eyes, trying to establish all the love he feels for her in that moment, as if proving to her he does love her.
He's already made his decision.
Slightly deterred by his longing gaze, Mai pulls him down for a long kiss, their lips moving together in sensuous harmony. Pulling away for a moment, Zuko looks at Mai's flushed face. His lips move, but no words come out. Instead, he places wet kisses along the column of her neck than continue to make a fool of himself. He reaches her ear, whispering her name in her ear before taking the delicate lobe between his lips.
Mai trails her hands up and down his muscled back, her nails lightly grazing the pale skin. She feels him shiver over her, though his temperature is rising; Mai fans his inner flames, allowing them to lick the surface of his skin, trying to break free. He retains enough control to prevent himself from hurting her.
The air around them cracks with intensity as their mouths begin to move faster, almost rough as their tongues slide against each other.
Mai is the one to break free with a gasp. She doesn't notice Zuko raising himself a touch to stroke Mai's most sensitive and private region with nimble, calloused fingers; he delves into a place she's only ever touched herself before Zuko's return.
His names fall from her lips as a plea for more, and she allows herself to lose herself in his arms.
Zuko dreamt of Mai every night, especially in the Western Air Temple.
His dreams were vivid always centred on the knife-thrower. Sometimes, they were good dreams; where the Avatar won and Mai welcomes him back with open arms and a smile on her face.
Unfortunately, those were few and far in between.
Rolling out of the rumpled bed the water tribe peas- boy had assigned to him, Zuko deposited his damp sheets on the floor before crawling back onto the thin mattress, breathless and in need of release.
Sometimes, he dreamt of the Avatar losing. In those dreams, Mai always visits him in his prison cell, before he is to be executed. She only comes to tell him he's worthless and that she always knew his attempts to do what was right were futile; that she never had faith in him as a person at all.
She's always accompanied by Azula in these dreams, taunting him; breaking him all over again and reminding him that he is a coward and that he is nothing; worthless.
Zuko hated those dreams. He had not bothered to pray since he was a child, not since his mother vanished. He didn't care enough about the existence of Agni. If he existed, Zuko resolved, he apparently didn't care about him, anyway.
However, when the nightmares plagued him, he prayed for them not to come true; he prayed for the Avatar to prevail, for Mai to forgive him one day…
Zuko groaned, throwing his forearm over his forehead trying to ignore the throbbing erection straining against his tunic, silently willing it to go away.
The dreams that overwhelmed him most often were memories of the intimate moments he had with her. Those instants were when he truly felt closest to her. Zuko didn't just miss her body; he missed the understanding that came with the closeness. He missed her touch, her snarky remarks, the way she didn't take any of his touchiness and high-strung outbursts.
She calmed him, drew out the good in him and pushed him to do better. She made him a better person.
With another groan, one of grudging acceptance this time, Zuko slipped his hand beneath his tunic, grasping the hardness with a practiced hand a clenched jaw.
Mai's first orgasm comes quick and hard, each wave of pleasure crashing through her system as the coil releases.
She's light-headed and breathing heavily by time Zuko's smirking face, full of masculine pride, comes back into view, now sitting back on his knees with her legs around his hips. The smug look irritates her something fierce; she needs to wipe it off his face and put the idiot in his place.
So she does.
The smirk morphs into an expression of lewd glee as she sits up, wrapping her hand around his member, stroking in the way she knows he likes.
She can feel the heat radiating off him; intimidating, but not enough to frighten her. She's used to this. The candles in the far corner of her room react to Zuko's growing arousal, the flicker and thrive with vivacity as he nears his peak, growing larger and flaring unexpectedly with each twist Mai makes, each sharp intake of breath Zuko takes.
Right when he's about to finish, he yanks her hand away from him, and pushes Mai back on her back. He rests his head on her shoulder, gasping for breath as he tries to take control over his body. Mai runs her fingers through his hair as he finds some semblance of composure.
Eventually, he murmurs in her ear, "that's not how I want to finish."
Mai barely has time to react before he guides his member inside her, slipping in easily without restraint.
It's not like she would have stopped him, anyway.
Seeing Zuko clad in Fire Nation prison attire in the Boiling Rock wasn't that much different from seeing him for the first time after his banishment.
Of course, the hurt fueled rage coursing through her system replaced what was once hopeful longing, but other than that, nothing changed. She wanted an explanation, and she would get one.
Mai can hear him yelling in the other room. "I didn't do anything!"
The sound of his voice hurts her more than she anticipated. She knew she missed him, but to be this close without him being hers…
She shook that thought off; it was his fault, anyway.
"Come on, Zuko, we all know that's a lie." All those years of schooling her expression into one of passive nonchalance were finally being put to use. She wouldn't allow him to see the damage he caused her.
However, Zuko fails to hide the stricken look in his eyes, that same desperate yearning that she's been feeling for so damn long, when he realizes it's not the warden that wants him.
It's, "Mai."
The way he slumped when she entered the room gives Mai a small sense of satisfaction. He looked terrified. Good, he should be.
He started spouting garbage, asking how she knew where he was. She humoured him.
"Because I know you so well." His eyes widened as he spluttered, "but how-"
"My uncle's the warden, you idiot." Mai was tired of his nonsense. Surely he was being deliberately stupid just to anger her further. She's annoyed that he took the bait so easily, ignoring the little voice in the back of her mind that reminded her she was being unfair, that he should explain himself.
Her eyes flashed as she whipped around to glare at him, "I guess I don't know you. All I get is a letter? You could have at least looked me in the eye when you ripped out my heart."
The words hit their mark, and he frantically stumbles for an explanation, "I didn't mean to-" she cuts him off angrily.
Who the hell does he think he is?
"You didn't mean to?" She asked, her cold fury piercing him like a knife. She pulled out the tear-stained letter to hide her face. She didn't need to read it; she had it memorized by now. "Dear Mai, I'm sorry that you have to find out this way, but I'm leaving." The venom was subtle, but it was there.
Zuko was tired of being walked on and desperate to subdue her resentment. He couldn't stand her hating him.
"Stop! This isn't about you. It's about the Fire Nation!"
Was he trying to enrage her further? "Thanks, Zuko, that makes me feel all better." She smacked him in the head with the letter. He stood up to look her in the eye, finally.
"Mai," he pleaded, not in the way she was used to hearing, "I never wanted to hurt you, but I had to do this to save my country. Our country."
He was begging for her to understand him. He's never had to do that before, Mai always understands, even when he's being an idiot. She had to believe him.
"Saving it?" You're betraying your country!" He knew what she was doing. She was challenging him, making him reconsider, as if he hadn't already done that several times over.
Why couldn't she understand that leaving her was the most difficult part about abandoning his country? That she was the only tie he had to the Fire Nation?
But he had to do what was right. Mai would appreciate it in the long run. He was doing what was best for their country.
He had to convince her somehow. "That's not how I see it."
She glared at him before crossing her arms, not even gracing him with her stare. Zuko sighed. Wasn't Mai supposed to be the logical one?
"Mai, please understand," he whispered, moving to cup her face in his hands. She wrenched away from him, but he was relentless. He softly gathered her in his arms, giving her room to remove herself if she pleased.
She didn't hold him back, but she didn't throw him off her against the opposite wall, either. He took that as a good sign. Slowly pushing her against the wall, he begged for her to understand, to hear him out. "Please, I have to do what's right, Mai… the Fire Nation… we've ruined so much… I have to fix it, I can't let this imbalance continue. Please, please trust me," he muttered, holding her close to him.
She missed his warmth so much, but she didn't dare hold him back. She would not be weak.
He had hurt her, dammit.
But he was asking him to trust her, and Mai couldn't help it. Of course she trusted him.
Mai didn't care what was wrong or right, but she would stay by his side and protect him and his decisions, whether he wanted it or not.
Sighing in resignation, she slumped on him tensely, resting her head on his shoulder, but not allowing herself to get too comfortable. He still broke her heart, after all.
Zuko had made his decision, now she was making hers.
Zuko is still against her as she squirms beneath him, aching for him to move and release the tension building in her belly. The candles are blazing as he tries to maintain control, but it's difficult with Mai's wet heat clenching tightly around him.
He knows this will be last time, he wants to savor this moment with her.
Raising himself up on his forearms, he watches the light blush that dawns her face and upper body, identical to the one covering his own. Her face is damp with sweat and her hair is sticking to her forehead. Wiping it out of the way, he coaxes her into looking at him before he begins moving within her, rubbing against her inner most walls.
"Look at me," he whispers, pressing his forehead against hers. Her glazed eyes snap to his, pupils dilating as the focus on his face. In this moment, he sees everything.
In her gaze, Zuko sees love, trust and companionship. He sees his dearest friend and closest ally. He sees her love and never wants to break this connection, much less let her go.
She chokes out his name, silently asking him to go faster as her release nears. Zuko denies her, continuing to thrust at a slow pace and relishing in just being with her.
He holds her as close to him as possible, the heat from his body on the edge of becoming uncomfortable for them both, but balancing on that thin line. His hips roll into hers and he feels her tensing up, telltale signs of her release.
Feeling his own coming soon, Zuko urges Mai along by reaching down to the apex of her thighs and searching for that one spot that makes her-
"Zuko!"
Her entire body goes rigid around him as the ecstasy rolls over her in sensual waves, drawing out her pleasure as she bats his hand away from her, far too sensitive and becoming overcharged with his touch. Zuko uses this to trigger his orgasm.
The candles come alive as Zuko empties himself into Mai, each wave bringing a new sensation of want until the muscle that forces it cramps and he falls over her, sweat coating both their bodies as they quiver in each others' arms.
Back to reality, Mai becomes vaguely aware of Zuko whispering in her ear.
"…ve you, I love you, I love you…" His voice is thick with tears? They rarely verbally express their love. This is odd. Something's wrong, Mai concludes.
Confused, Mai lifts his face to look him in the eye, correct in her assumption. She wipes his tears away and looks questioningly into his eyes, resisting the urge to sleep.
She just wants to cuddle and he's being… not Zuko.
What's going on?
"Zuko, I love you, you know that," Mai trails off. He smiles sadly, closing his eyes as he extracts his himself from her, rolling off Mai's body and pulling her to rest under his chin against his shoulder. She rests her head against him comfortably while pulling up the thin red sheet to cover them.
"I know," he whispers. "I just needed to hear you say it."
"Who's that?" Sokka inquired, straining his eyes to catch a glimpse of their savior.
Zuko took one look and immediately knew who was taking down several trained prions guards single-handed.
"It's Mai!" He said, shocked.
Mai had reactivated the gondola, assuring Zuko's safety. Zuko has mixed feelings about this development.
Pride and anger warred within him. What in the hell was she doing?
He left her to protect her, so he wouldn't force her into becoming a traitor. He wanted to save her from the repercussions of that would no doubt occur after betraying her country.
She wasn't supposed to get tangled in his traitorous life! Especially when there was no chance of escaping the Fire Nation after such a display!
He heard Azula's cold voice mirror his thoughts before real fear started to settle. "What is she doing?" He heard her demand, her voice fading as the gondola left in the opposite direction.
Mai had betrayed Azula. She betrayed Azula for him. Azula would be furious. He was certain she would kill Mai. Or at least attempt to. As adept as the knife thrower was, she didn't stand a chance against a raging Azula.
Paralyzed, Zuko numbly added another item to his accumulating list of failures.
He had failed to protect the one person that mattered.
Although he usually stays for breakfast after he spends the night before returning to the palace, Mai isn't surprised to see Zuko gone the next morning.
It's the day of the invasion, she reasons with herself. Obviously, he's going to take cover.
But something tells her otherwise. As hard as she tries to ignore it, she knows to some degree that Zuko is going to do something stupid.
He isn't coming home.
After their return from the Boiling Rock, a new dream afflicted Zuko.
More often than not, he would get vivid images of Mai's dead body lying on the floor, scorched by the hand of Azula. If she wasn't being burnt alive, Zuko saw her at the hands of his father, sentenced to hang for treason because banishment was far too merciful.
As each option raced through his mind, all ending with Mai's crumpled body on the floor or ground or wherever, Zuko scrubbed the tears away from his face, praying that Mai was safe, that she knew what he was doing.
He began to take solace in the good dreams he had of their time together. He only wanted to dream of a time untainted by war and devastation.