oh, lord
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRP7n_PmFes
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, oh lord
can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord
well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before, my friend
but I don't know if you know who I am
well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
so you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
it's all been a pack of lies
and I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment all my life, oh lord, oh lord
well I remember, I remember, don't worry
how could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
but I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
the hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
it's no stranger to you or me
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord...
I've been the most frustrated I've ever been in my entire life over the last four weeks. I've been anxious, sleeping irregularly, and waking up tired. My mood has been shifting rapidly between depression and rage. And that's when I wasn't feeling numb, of course. I haven't been able to concentrate on much of anything and the cause of all this stress is my best friend. It was four weeks ago that he decided instead of telling me that he would be getting back together with his girlfriend, he would just pretend everything is perfectly fine.
But why would getting back together with his girlfriend be a bad thing, you ask? I can explain.
On the day they broke up, he asked her in the morning if he could join her at the beach with her friends. He had seven or more hours before he had to be at work and they had recently had a serious discussion about how they never do much of anything together and would like to reinforce their relationship. She said no and went back to looking for this and that around the bedroom as he sat at his computer. He inquired as to why he would not be allowed to join them but she ignored him and let awkward silence debate the point. He went to have a shower and when he came back his computer wasn't working and his girlfriend was gone. He sent a text message to her (I was allowed to read it in the hours following) saying "I don't see why I can't come along with you. I feel like your fucking-toy, only to be paid attention to when you're horny." [Please understand, the exact meaning of the text message is expressed in the quote because my best friend and I discussed what he had typed and meant not long after what follows.] It wasn't long after he sent the text that he had received a reply. Sitting in the room he shared with his girlfriend at her mother's house he read, "I don't appreciate the way you're talking to my daughter. I am confiscating her cell phone." The medicated, stay-at-home, Warcraft marathon-playing single mother had sent the text message, even though it was from his girlfriend's cell, even though the mother was just down the hall in her bedroom. My friend, somewhat panicked, called me and asked what he should do. I was on the bus headed to work and said that the mother was out of line for interfering like this in her daughter's private life and that he should just ignore it until he could talk to his girlfriend. I received a phone call a couple hours later from my best friend and he explained that all the cords at the back of his computer were unplugged and that two thirds of his RAM and the suit jacket he wore to his girlfriend's grad were missing. He said he was at McDonald's getting something to eat while he waited for his uniform to wash. I wished him well and went back to my shift only to receive another phone call from my friend who informed me that, even though he has a key to his girlfriend's mother's place (because he was paying $250 per month to share the same bed as the girlfriend and the same meals as the family), he could not get in because a chair had been propped against the door. He said he had knocked on the door and rang the doorbell and used his cell phone to call the house to no avail. We agreed that it seemed he was being suddenly evicted from the home and as the girlfriend behaved peculiarly in the morning and had left her cell phone with her mother, we also agreed that what was happening seemed more than just suspicious. He said he would drop by the homes of several mutual friends and I went back to my shift which would be over in the evening. As the hours crept by, my best friend in the company of mutual friends now called his girlfriend on her home phone and cell phone but no one answered. The story gets muddled at this point but what I do know is that the girl amongst my best friend's group called and was answered by the girlfriend's mother. Our female friend asked for [insert name of girlfriend here] and replied when asked that she was [insert commonplace female name here]. The mother cheerfully greeted our female friend and handed the phone to the girlfriend who whispered "Who's on the phone?" to her mother before saying hello just as delightfully as the mother. It was at this point that my best friend was handed the phone by our female friend and that upon hearing his voice, the girlfriend hung up. I'm told that my best friend looked crushed when this happened, but he denies it. Time went by and I was never told how, but my best friend found himself on the phone with his girlfriend's best friend (who ALSO lives at the house with the Warcraft-addicted mother and immature girlfriend). My best friend asked to speak to his girlfriend, asked if they were breaking up, expressed his assumptions on being evicted without notice and was informed, "yep, you're being broken up with, you're being kicked out, and no, you cannot talk to her". I wasn't there when this conversation transpired but I heard later from my best friend that when he asked if he could retrieve his belongings, the best friend of the girlfriend laughed at him and said they would let him know when he could come and pick up his things. Before he hung up during this call or possibly during another with the arrogant best friend of the girlfriend, my best friend heard his girlfriend scream loudly, "I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!" too cowardly to tell him in person. Suffice to say, my best friend did not get to work that day. I met up with my best friend and some of our mutual friends at the Fleetwood Boston Pizza while we waited for a call back from the Surrey RCMP. For those of you who don't know, it doesn't matter how much rent you did not pay or how much damage to the property you have done, or why you're being evicted, no landlord is allowed to keep you from your belongings. An hour or so later, we were informed that an officer would meet us at the girlfriend's mother's home and that my best friend would be allowed to get his things. The mother loudly, awkwardly, nasally, and sycophantically greeted the police officer and maintained a pointless and grating conversation with him about absolutely anything but what was going on. My best friend checked around the home for things that might be his while a mutual friend and myself moved boxes out of the townhouse. The girlfriend was nowhere to be seen--but only because the coward was hiding in her mommy's room upstairs. With all the boxes moved out and all the rooms checked for his property, my best friend declared that his suit jacket was missing, and so was a stick of RAM and the monitor he was given many months back. The mother disavowed everything. The police officer said it could not be proven and the subject was dropped. A taxi was called to move the twenty or so boxes to my home where they would rest in my foyer until a better location could be found. My best friend was welcomed to stay at our mutual friends' apartment where the four of them rent a three bedroom. He would be allowed to stay for two weeks but that changed to "until he gets back on his feet so long as he is trying". Via Facebook, I came across the girlfriend's status which earlier in the night said she was "baking a cake" and not long before midnight said she was "laughing". Then my best friend's account was de-friended.
*sigh and a break*
I met with my best friend the day after, a sunny Wednesday afternoon in August, and we talked about a few things before I honoured plans with another good friend of mine and went out to meet her. Through text messages and Facebook and whatever else, it was communicated to me that my best friend and his then ex-girlfriend had agreed to meet up to talk. He told me in a long text message (abrupt sentences mostly) that she wanted to talk to him, that he wanted to talk to her, that he would not be forgiving, that he would not sleep with her until he trusted her, and then he ordered me not to interfere before saying he would keep me updated.
He didn't.
But Facebook did. It was after midnight, I believe, that my best friend and his once-again girlfriend were listed as being in a relationship. The next few days at work were long ones I find difficult to remember. But what I do remember is sending a text message to my best friend (who had not informed me that he and his girlfriend were dating again) saying, "As you and [insert the immature and cowardly one's name here] are going out again, she should be happy to get your suit jacket and RAM for you." He replied, "I refuse to have anything to do with the mother." To which I said, "I meant [his girlfriend]." But the text message that followed simply stated that my best friend didn't care about those things anymore.
The next day, Friday, I received another text message from my best friend. He said that we could "go for a walk after work". Between my best friend and I, this means we're going to discuss things. I didn't know that he was working from 5pm until some random time in the evening so I went to the apartment and the aforementioned female friend and I went swimming in the pool there to wait for him. I had texted him about going swimming with [insert female friend name here] so I checked my phone once or twice to see if my best friend was off work and trying to contact me for our walk but there were no texts or missed calls. We headed up to the apartment where I found him, sitting in front of his computer playing Warcraft. Everyone said their hellos and I went into the living room, knowing that if he's playing Warcraft I could be waiting for several hours. Our female friend and I watched some TV to kill time and after what had to be half an hour, she suddenly said, "Hey, [Jack's best friend]! Aren't we gonna talk?" Many minutes later, my best friend bounded into the room and sat on a couch as far away from us as he could and positioned his arms around his legs and his phone to his face, playing with its flipping quality nervously with his teeth and lips.
Sidenote: even before his relationship with this girl went South, he had issues with her keeping in touch with her ex-boyfriend, the one she had dated just 3 weeks before hopping into bed with my best friend. There had been multiple occasions where she had pretended to forget about plans they had made. Much happened in the eight or so months before the eviction/dumping that caused my best friend to doubt her and he was quoted as saying at least four times in the month leading up to the eviction/dumping that he was planning on breaking up with her. And let's not forget the time she left the house "for a jog" but ended up in her car with her ex-boyfriend, allegedly talking for hours. So understand that him getting back together with this girl shocked and dismayed most everyone who knew about it. And rightly so...
So my best friend was nervous, and who wouldn't be? It looked like he was about to be interrogated by our female friend and myself. I didn't partake in the discussion very much at all. I sat on the couch with my arms folded and a grim countenance as she asked some innocent questions, some easily-answered ones for comfort, some tough ones to bring some truth to light; all of this so that she could possibly help my best friend and I talk about the tension that had arisen after he sneakily got back together with his girlfriend. I listened to what was said and I couldn't tolerate the discrepancies in his answers and how they reflected on his morals so I walked out of the living room. I sat for about twenty minutes in the den with the rest of the mutual friends as they played on their computers before I was too upset to just sit around with no action on my best friend's part and I went to get my towel and swimsuit from the living room. Our female friend asked if I would be joining them to talk to which I replied that I would not, and my best friend stated "I thought you wanted to talk!" I didn't look at him as I strode from the room saying "whatever" to him and then goodbye to the others. I put on my shoes and went to sit in the stairwell of the apartment building. As I left their place I got a text message from my best friend saying, "you're being immature". We had a useless texted spat where he didn't respond to the tough rhetoric I posed. Such as, "She dumped you without talking to you and had you evicted from her house without warning. Didn't stop you from rushing to talk to her." During this regrettable tiff he sent me a message saying he didn't actually want to talk anyway, that he was only going to walk around with me because he thought I would've wanted to know what was going on. I pointed out to him in texts that he had no intention of going for a walk to discuss anything because (as I had learned from him), he had been on his computer for about an hour before our female friend and I came back from the pool. He said he had only started to play Warcraft because he was "trying to relax before he had to become super defensive with me later". [The text message as expressed by the quotations is a verbatim recollection of what he said to me.]
I just have to stop and say something: why would my BEST FRIEND of more than EIGHT YEARS have to be "super defensive" around me? Am I not the most affable person you know?
So our texted argument wound down to awkward silence, as most arguments between people who truly care about each other do. I was left to reflect on the things I had learned as I walked home across Guildford and I pondered them more in the weeks that have passed since. I learned that he had not actually wanted to tell me about dating that girl again. I'm not sure how he thought it could be kept a secret, but for some ill-begotten reason I was supposed to be left in the dark.
*break to consider the importance of the chronological order of things*
Alas, a short recess has reminded me of the point of this entire essay: that I am frustrated and indignant, insulted and dejected, that I am heinously forsaken in my best friendship. (Double entendre?)
On the Tuesday of the eviction/dumping, my best friend devised a plan for my mother's benefit. On Sunday the 2nd of September at noon, my best friend and myself with my mother's supervision would organize our shed and then move his many boxes in there so as to free our foyer. Then at 2pm, we would play Dungeons and Dragons in my room with a good friend. Two or three days before that Sunday, my best friend and I happened to be hanging out (we were going to get some important envelope he needed for something) and I confirmed the plans with my mother and my best friend. The Sunday arrived and with it a text from my best friend stating that he is too sick to move things and play DnD, that he was just going to stay at the apartment and sleep and look online for places to rent. With all the tension, I had not expected DnD to progress as usual, I suspected that his flaky nature would rear it's irritating head. But at the same time, I considered the good of what he said he would do. I said in my reply that it was not a problem. [I did not want to play Dungeons and Dragons, truth be told. I felt it would be annoying to try to play a game when I really just wanted to ask how he was doing and to find out if maybe his travesty of a relationship was something more meaningful. I also wanted to put to rest properly the argument and the "whatever" and /everything/ else from weeks past.]
My mother did not go to church that Sunday. She went to the Kia dealership instead. And while I was there with her I saw a burger place and thought of how little food my best friend had access to (our mutual friends gave him a couch to sleep on, not a fridge to pilfer). Another text messaged argument ensued. [I saved the entire thing, here it is in its anti-climactic glory.]
Moi: "I might go to a burger place, do you want me to bring you anything?"
Him: "No. I am out with [insert the girlfriend's pet name here] chatting."
Moi: "What happened to being too tired and sick for DnD? What about your
commitment to my mum and I to move your belongings into the shed?"
Him: "Don't freak out. We have all day to note stuff. Im talking to [insert the girlfriend's Christian name here]."
Moi: "I'm disappointed--I'm not freaking out. I honestly thought you
were telling the truth when you agreed to packing the shed."
Him: {{{eleven or more minutes of no response}}}
Moi: "You said "DnD at 2pm, pack the shed at noon." I asked my mum if that
worked, she agreed.
Why did you break your word?"
Him: "Wow. I just said I would. Please stop."
Moi: "I don't know why you're mad at me for pointing out what you did wrong.
My mother skipped church today for the time frame you set."
Him: {{{16 minutes of no response}}}
Moi: "I'm so calm right now. So I can tell you honestly: I still want to be
your friend, I still think you're worth it. You're my best friend."
Him: {{{13 minutes later}}} "[name of his girlfriend] is being kicked out of her house. Says her mom."
Moi: "I'm sure the law won't allow that, barricaded door or not."
Him: "[the girlfriend's best friend] is being kicked out."
Then he called several minutes later while I was at the Guildford Station Pub with my mother. He gave a hasty apology for not moving his things and breaking the plans and something else, all in one breath. But I know my best friend and he doesn't give a shit about apologies, least of all giving them, so I said, "alright, alright, okay..." and dismissed most of what he said to the usual superficial crap I am more than accustomed to when it comes to him messing up. I can get over the argument, I can get over the potential flaking out, but the /way/ it was done touched a nerve.
So I added this pathetic breakdown of communication to the list of concerns I wanted to discuss with him.
Time stopped for no one and on the morning of the day he was supposed to see his girlfriend, he found on a mini-feed on Facebook that she had added her ex-boyfriend as a friend. One of the main issues of their entire relationship flared up once more; she had apparently broken her word from when they renewed their vows. There was trouble in paradise.
I went home or to work or to whatever and later that day, in the evening, my best friend suddenly came up with a plan that him and I would go for a walk and talk, that he would give me an update as he promised he would. He seemed upset, sinister really, and we went for a short walk in the rain. One where he said a "mutual break up" occurred between him and his girlfriend and that they would "remain friends because I have to get serious about finding a place and she has college starting tomorrow..." He tried to sell me a story about how they want to be together but that they just can't right now, that they had reformed their relationship and were now 'best friends'. I had my criticisms of the whole debacle [I held my tongue on more of them than anyone will ever know] and at one point he exploded into a description of how I am biassed against her, and I hate her, how I think she's vile and despicable and that she had nothing to do with him being evicted, it was the mother, the mother and [girlfriend's] best friend were pressuring her to break up with him and who wouldn't give into pressure from the most important people in their life? I remember it well. I remember thinking, "only a pathetic, disloyal, weak, and malevolently conniving person would ABANDON their 'one true love' like that and then throw a party with cake the night he showed up with the police to fetch his things." I remember.
This argument wound down to awkward silence, nothing resolved.
Some parts are hazy in my memory, but I remember the following day. I marked it on my calendar.
I had heard from our mutual friends through Warcraft that he was on the patio talking on the phone to his girlfriend looking upset. Shortly thereafter his Facebook status changed to something about being angry and vengeful and that he had "lost his best friend". I texted him about his status out of concern asking what friend he had lost (I had never heard him refer to that girl as his best friend before). He didn't answer for some time. And then I got this:
"I am going to Fucking kill someone on my walk."
I called him and he actually answered. He was breathing hard from running around and I don't remember what was said but he actually agreed to meet me after much deliberation. I hurried to put my shoes on and I met him outside. He was walking very quickly and said he would not wait for me if I walked slowly. So I tried to keep up with him as he punched signs, kicked curbs, smacked parked cars, shoved shopping carts end over end, and blathered angrily and incoherently about all manner of things related to his new best friend/old girlfriend/ex-best friend and I surmised that she had done or said something very significant to upset him. He was talking about how he hated her and told her he never wanted to talk to her again and that he can't trust women and after several minutes of this ridiculous emotional tirade, of telling him he's not allowed to break things that don't belong to him, and that he was hurting himself [indeed, his hands were swollen, bruised, and blood was dripping from multiple places] I bellowed at him, "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!" He turned around so quickly I thought he intended to strike me. I stood there staring at him and a crazed look came over his face as he turned away from me to yell and scream "WHAT DO YOU THINK MY PROBLEM IS?!?!?!" and continued with his insane ramblings. I was begging and pleading with him to tell me what was wrong, chastising him for his recklessness, all the while trying to figure out what he was going on about (on and on). Somewhere in our time together, near the old Silvercity Guildford, he asked if I wanted to punch him.
I said yes.
So we stood about six feet apart and stared at each other silently. I remember the glare high above us from the towering parking lot lights. I remember realizing how quiet the heart of Guildford was. And then he started to turn from me again but I spoke up, "I'm not done with you yet," I said. So he turned around once more and we faced each other, about three feet apart now. I looked at his face, planned where my fist would go, thought about how I would best smash him and then tremulously asked if he would talk to me afterwards.
"Yes."
And if he would punch me back.
"No."
And whether or not I should take off my ring.
"Your choice," with a smile and flash of his eyes.
I put my fingers on my ring and made a pained expression in anticipation of the chunk of skin I could rend from his face with it. Then I left it on and readied myself.
He winced as I went to rap his left cheekbone but he turned to his right and slightly down. I had punched more of the back of his head than anywhere else and caught my index finger on his smelly plug in his stretched earlobe. I was bleeding a very small amount from near my knuckle and he had a headache and a ringing in his ears. Then we continued walking as before, me trailing behind the lunatic I hoped would soon be my best friend again.
He kept rambling angrily, more and more stuff I cannot for the life of me remember because everything he said was disjointed and out of context, in first person then third person, then back to the original subject. It was difficult to follow and I got fed up with all the asinine behaviour and the repeated requests for him to stop and talk to /me/ so I just sat down in the middle of the deserted parking lot and waited for him to stop. He actually did after a few moments. I thought he wouldn't, but he's adept at pressing my buttons enough to make me mad but not enough to make me quit. I demanded yet again that he talk to me and he questioned the point of talking about it at all. I asked him if he trusted me (when he happened to be facing away from me again) and he said yes. I should've known he was lying.
We found ourselves at McDonald's. He had said he was hungry and I felt that if I were to spend some money he promised to pay back then he would have had at least one meal that day. So he got some food and I got a McFlurry and we talked about things other than his problems or my concerns. We eventually went back to our mutual friends' apartment and as he typed something on the computer I stated that I wanted to look at his hand and fetch him some ice and a bandaid for the cut but that he would not let me but the simple fact that I tried would help me get it out of my system enough to someday let it go that he messed up his body because of angst and would not let me help. He did not let me help. Looking back, it was nice to hang out, but what a fucking waste of time.
He typed up a Livejournal entry about the night he had had and he let me read it. I was so afraid to lose my best friend that I didn't question the part at the end of the journal that read "I will see you tomorrow," dictated to his once-again girlfriend or new best friend or WHATEVER he was referring to her as at that point.
Sidenote: earlier in the day at the apartment, he had mentioned that he was keeping a journal again whilst he typed something on his computer (later to be revealed as a journal entry). I enquired about it and he said that no one knew about it but that I could read it later. I didn't know if it was on Livejournal.com at the time but I thought maybe it was. I went home not long after he said I could read it (I hadn't read it at this point) and was playing a little Warcraft and checking through Livejournal for his girlfriend's latest posts when I came across a name on her friend list I had not seen before. I looked it up and my best friend's picture was the users icon. I left a comment in his latest entry: "I thought you said no one knew about this." Later in the evening, after the queer punch-standoff, he said that my comment had made him angry but that he hadn't bothered to respond. I was angry about him lying to me about his journal nobody was supposed to know about, but given everything I've already written, I obviously had bigger things on my mind.
One of them being a Livejournal entry by [insert callous title for the girlfriend here] bemoaning the fact that she is breaking not only my best friend's heart, but that of her ex-boyfriend (the one she has been keeping around the last ten months or longer). That's right, it's all clearly written for all to see, you don't have to be on her friend list or anything. She whines about how she is fucking up and how she doesn't want to but is anyway. She devotes a few short sentences to each of the guys she claims to love, mostly meaningless apologies and seemingly good intentions for the future, but it's a pathetic display of wanton selfishness because she gets close to deciding what must be done but then backs away from it and takes a few steps backwards, so to speak.
Ah well. /I'm/ not sleeping with her.
Anyways.
After his freak out, I thought maybe I could just stand back for a spell and see what happens. I decided I would contact him on the evening of the second day after his bout with insanity (Thursday evening). I was waiting for my bus to work and wondering how I would get through the day without sending a text message to him to ask what was up and how he was doing when I got a text message from him [here I go, another text message quoted out of the bowels of my cell, verbatim, mind you]:
"I just need to be alone for a bit okay? Please dont interfere. . I will be safe. I won't hurt myself or anybody else."
I replied after some careful thought, "I can't understand why you're pushing me away. You said you trusted me. And I'm disappointed that you couldn't talk to me in person about this." He gave no response.
Thirty-seven minutes later I received another text message from him, just as I was about to walk onto the floor at my job. It read: "It has been so long since i had normal Mcdonalds coffee. It tastes great."
I had thought about what he said about leaving him alone and with the latest text I received, I had all but decided that he had indeed snapped. So I left him untexted all day and night.
Chapter 39 - The Plot Thickens, The Pace Quickens, & the Shit Hits the Fan
With everything that had transpired over the last two or more weeks, everything said and unsaid, and then to be told in a text message that I was simply supposed to just go away without an end in sight to the hiatus, I obviously had much to think about. And think I did.
I thought long and hard about the ramifications of what was to follow. I thought about what I should do, what he should do, what the girlfriend A.K.A. new/lost best friend should do. I pretty much contemplated every angle and factor imaginable. I realized that I was being disrespected by one of my closest friends. My reasoning is logical.
I had a foyer full of so many boxes that it was difficult to get up and downstairs. These boxes of my best friend's possessions were at my place because he had been evicted from his (and I use this term loosely) gIrLfRiEnD's mother's house. He had set a time with my mother to move the boxes to a better place at my home and reneged on the promise. Then he told me for all intents and purposes to go away. Why should I store the belongings of someone who does not respect me? Why shouldn't I just transport it to the Warcraft-fixated mother's house now that he is going out with her daughter again? Or was I supposed to move the stuff into the shed with my recovering hernia and my 60 year old mother? I don't think so.
What I did think was that I could call him and politely inform him that I felt his stuff should be moved.
So I did.
It was Friday afternoon and I was on my break at work. I picked up my cell phone and dialled his number. I knew he was at work and I thought I would just leave a voice mail and he knows he's always allowed to call me so I thought it would go over well enough. He answered his phone. We greeted each other and with my heart pounding in my neck I managed to explain to him the following sentence.
{{{And I swear on everything respectable and honest, true friendship, proper manners, and anything decent and just that I said the exact sentence in quotations and that I said it in the exact way it's typed.}}}
"With everything that's been going on lately, I think it would be best if you got your stuff out of my house. I'll give you a few days to think about how you're going to move it and where you're going to put it and when you will be able to move it. And please let me know as soon as possible when you will be able to move it, I think that's fair."
We said goodbye and I thought that things had gone pretty well until a few minutes later. The text message from him read:
"You are no better than [his girlfriend's mother who barricaded the door and allegedly twisted her daughter's mind against my best friend]."
I didn't deign to respond. I thought of what I could say but this just proved he wasn't listening to reason. What are the chances he would listen to me?
The following day was Saturday, I had arrangements with a good friend of mine to meet near the Whalley Library for a feast of Greek food at our favourite taverna. I was waiting for the bus thinking about everything that had happened recently and not-so-recently and decided that I should set up a time to discuss things in person to explain why certain things were said. I called his cell phone and hoped he would answer and he didn't pick up. So I left a message and as I was hanging up I received a text.
"Do you want to talk or yell at me? Or tell me everything I am doing wrong?"
As I was thinking about how to respond so as not to accidentally piss him off further, I was phoned by him. I said that I was on the bus so it wasn't easy to hear. We were generally nice to each other and somewhat guarded. After our little conversation I was mildly hopeful that he had agreed to talk to me the next day (Sunday) to "see where we're at," in his words. But I should've known better.
I was sitting at my computer and chatting with our mutual friends via Warcraft (while in a dungeon with a group) when they told me that he was headed over to my place with a taxi to fetch his things. He hadn't called in advance, he hadn't said anything about dropping by at all except for an offhand remark on Livejournal (something about how he /might/ be able to do something about his stuff on Sunday). Was I supposed to just sit around and wait for him? And why was he coming over with a taxi if we were supposed to "see where we're at"?
Frankly, I don't understand why he needed a taxi at all. He has more than a few friends with vehicles and I offered him time to plan so he could've asked a bunch of people for some help. He's supposed to be trying to save money to move out and a taxi charges a $10 cargo fee for moving things... It was such a waste of time and money. He could have questioned the necessity of why I wanted his stuff gone.
But he didn't. He grabbed his things and left. After several hours of not hearing anything, I thought that he would be done with moving his stuff so I called him. I called and called and left polite voice mails asking then pleading for him to call me back. I sent some text messages, born of anger but not exuding it. They said what my voice mails had said.
Over the next several days, when he wasn't cancelling my phone calls to him, he was ignoring the messages I left. When he wasn't ignoring my texts, he was responding slightly off-topic and spitefully. When he wasn't disregarding the messages I left for him on Facebook, he was being an ignorant ass to me. And he deleted all the wall-posts to him on Facebook and the few comments I made to him on Livejournal. Nothing elicited a positive response. Like I said about the Facebook messages, he only used what I said for partially-relavant vitriol.
Here's a sample of our texted conversations for your viewing displeasure:
Moi: "I want to talk about us as friends. I'm hurt that you won't talk to me. Why is this happening?"
Him: "I dont feel like talking."
Moi: "I can't accept that. Please, please call me."
Him: "I dont want to talk.
Same as last week."
Moi: "You need to stop being a coward and talk to me face to face.
No one has fought for you like I am.
You owe me an explanation."
Him: "you can not force me to talk to you."
Moi: "I can't force you to do anything. And I don't want to force you to do anything.
I think you owe me the conversation you agreed to have."
Him: "I was there, you made no move to talk. You missed out, your fault."
Moi: "So it's over forever now?
This hurts so much.
Please just talk to me. I want to be your friend!!"
Him: "Dont push your luck. I think we can talk after I move into my new house."
Moi: "I'm not giving up on you. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow. You can say or ask me anything you want."
Him: "If you talked to me like a friend I probably would talk to you. But your being very rude and insulting in your texts. The more you push whatever it is you want to talk about the more I want to call off this friendship."
Moi: {{{me trying to /actually/ talk to him because text messages suck at conveying tone and he has a long history of misinterpreting what I say in text messages}}}
Him: "Stop calling my phone. Were not talking, im not ready."
Moi: "I need to know what happened that drives you to such lengths to avoid me. My feelings are hurt.
You haven't been ready to talk in weeks."
Him: "The biggest reason right now is that you made me waste money on moving my shit out of your house. You bailed as a best friend and you want to talk about [his girlfriend's name here] and I. Not your relationship to talk about. I am working now."
Moi: "I don't know how many times I said I want to talk about you and me.
Our friendship.
I never once mentioned [her] during all of this."
{{{these are mostly from one or two conversations through text messages, they span several days}}}
Moi: "I haven't been calling like a maniac out of some wack desperation. I believe we have things we can explain to each other that will reduce the anger."
{{{a few minutes later I sent the following}}}
"I know you're really mad, but this has been a terrible misunderstanding."
Him: "I am out with [whatsherface] now. I will think about it."
Whether it happened before, after, or during the texted exchange above, my best friend and I had this to say to each other on Facebook:
Moi: "I am very upset.
Your status might be for me, it might not. Whatever the case, I feel mocked.
{{{his status read, "I am awfully sorry."}}}
And the coffee text message thing made you appear kind of crazy as you sent it 37 minutes after you said in a previous text message that basically, I should just go away."
Him: "My status is not for you. I would want to hang out with you if you wanted to do anything other than talk about [the beast] etc etc.
I am dealing I am figuring it out. I don't want anybody else to talk to me about it or to help me because your help will be wasted. 'Your help' as in anybodys help.
I don't want to waste your time or [our female friend]'s or anybodys but mine atm. Please try to understand. I am not trying to piss you off but I need some time to be alone with her or people I don't know that well. People who I can hang out with and forget about all my problems.
and I am sorry I cant do that with you."
Moi: "You forget that within the last week, I said, "we should hang out and act like we used to; talk about DnD and WoW and movies we want to see, go to a movie... to relive the good times to dilute all the these crappy hang outs." (It was something very close to that.)
Then I wonder who your status is for.
You're not dealing. You're pretending everything is fine and as if a small amount of time can make your homelessness and irresponsibility evapourate. You contradicted yourself by saying you're out to forget your problems.
In a time of crisis, people who know you really well are usually first in line when choosing who to hang out with. Especially when they have been waiting WEEKS to hang out with you and find out what is going on because they are mortally concerned and worried sick.
I thought you knew me well enough to know that you CAN just chillax with me. And I thought you were decent enough to know that chillaxing comes after the issues are dealt with. Not every issue happening right now is yours, you know.
I hate texted conversation."
Him: "This is what I am talking about though. I am sorry that I need to be harsh when I say this:
Talk to me when you wont talk or mention anything about this."
Moi: "Define "this"."
Him: "'You're not dealing. You're pretending everything is fine and as if a small amount of time can make your homelessness and irresponsibility evapourate. You contradicted yourself by saying you're out to forget your problems.
In a time of crisis, people who know you really well are usually first in line when choosing who to hang out with. Especially when they have been waiting WEEKS to hang out with you and find out what is going on because they are mortally concerned and worried sick.
I thought you knew me well enough to know that you CAN just chillax with me. And I thought you were decent enough to know that chillaxing comes after the issues are dealt with. Not every issue happening right now is yours, you know.'"
Him {again}: "sorry but I am not replying anymore. You are stressing me out."
Moi: "You didn't express any retorts to what I said. You simply brushed off my point(s) with a knee-jerk response and by shutting down.
You are stressing /me/ out. I am scared for your welfare!
You're running away from me.
This is so depressing."
Him: "I am running in general. Please stop. trying to catch me your only going to make me run faster."
Moi: "Don't blame your vices on other people. It is your decision to perpetuate this self-destructive pattern.
You're running away because I am one of the few people in your life who has ever demanded more from you than to be a brainless punching bag (for emotional attacks or otherwise).
I CARE ABOUT YOU!! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!!"
Him: "I am going out."
Sidenote: I was PISSED OFF about many things said during our non-vocal disputes. I was so mad I could've spat. The gall, the hypocrisy, the ignorance and spite behind certain comments infuriated me so I was without words at times. But I reminded myself that I did not want wrath to be a part of my personality. And I was grateful to my short attention span when something else came to distract me. Sleeping may not have been of the highest quality during these trying weeks, but it was very welcome.
After the texted/typed conversations/arguments, he did not end up calling me. He continued to shove me firmly to the very fringes of his world with little to no contact whatsoever. Ergo, I am sure many of you are wondering why I put up with so much anxiety, so much disrespect, so much badmouthing and ignorance without throwing in the towel.
Him and I have been best friends for 8 years and I thought that if someone who feels as close to me as a brother and I should stop being friends, that it should be on no uncertain terms. I felt that it would only be appropriate that we have one last conversation before we never see each other again. Who wants to regret the senseless and needless loss of someone such as that?
Things seemed to be not getting any worse for a short while. And then one day on Warcraft he came online. I said hello and tried to expect nothing and he said hello back. I asked if I could tell him about [funny things in Warcraft blah blah blah] and he said sure and we talked rather nicely about nothing important whatsoever for a while before he left to go somewhere and do something. I felt a lot better about things but I knew that none of my concerns had been addressed yet, that there was no inclination that circumstances would be getting any better, so I talked to our mutual friends through Warcraft and disclosed to them some eyebrow-raising facts. I had hoped I could prevent something or some things.
One of them being that my best friend should change his passwords because with all the sore emotions and wrath and sadness, I might be pissed off enough to delete his Warcraft characters. I told them to warn him that it is simply a good idea to change your passwords. This was a means to protect my best friend from my bad self. Because if you think this little essay is me getting down with my bad self, you are gravely mistaken.
I guess he was reading over their shoulders because I received /this/ not long after posting the gist of my previous paragraph in Guild Chat.
"Keep making threats why dont you. We wont be friends anymore."
I became quite remorseful and profane in Guild Chat and then quit my Warcraft session and called my best friend immediately. My calls were being cancelled as fast as I could one-touch-dial his number and the future of our friendship was the bleakest yet. I left a voice mail begging, once again, that he listen to me, that he consider what I say. When I felt like I had said concisely and sincerely what I wanted to, I hung up and waited anxiously in my room.
Some tiny miracle must've happened because he texted me saying that he was in a "terrible mood" but that if I wanted to call him, I could.
So I did.
He was angry and saying very little. I don't blame him so much for this incident. But I could tell by the punctuation and spelling of his prior text messages that he had put little thought into why I had said what I did. I was upset during this phone call and I forget now almost everything that was said. But I do know that he agreed to talk to me and as the minutes went by, I became more resolute. He said he didn't know when he would talk to me, that maybe in a few days he would let me know when in a few more days we could meet. I said quite firmly, "that's not good enough." He said we could possible talk on Thursday evening, or Sunday. I insisted that he let me know as soon as possible when we would be able to talk. he agreed, but to what exactly?
Still there was hope for salvaging this broken and maybe even worthless friendship. At least we had a chance now.
Or did we?
I compose for you now the bitchfest preceding our face-to-face dialogue (and yes, it was through text messages):
Him: "Busy?"
{{{this was Wednesday evening}}}
Moi: "Nope."
Him: "I want to go to bed for eleven thirty ish"
{{{it was 10:30}}}
Him: "No crying either"
{{{sent before I could reply to his last text}}}
Moi: "Okay. What do you have in mind?"
Moi: "What do you have in mind?"
Him: "Get ready to go out, now."
Moi: "Don't give me orders.
But I'll be ready."
Him: "I am on the quiet road near the park."
Moi: "Calling me would be faster than terse texts."
Him: "Right."
We met on 151st and he greeted me as if he had not been incredibly rude with his text messages. We walked down the street, I was barely saying anything, and he divulged that he was hungry and wanted to go to Boston Pizza. I was trying to gauge what kind of mood he was in and what would be possible to address, if anything, in the short amount of time he gave us. We took a seat and he ordered nachos and said I could have some but I was suddenly not hungry. We eventually did start talking about some of the things I wanted to talk about. But there seemed so much to explore and explain that the conversation was but a preface to the introduction of the epic novel the two of us could write together in search of truth and reconciliation.
It was here that I explained to him the hard pill he needed to swallow, that I /had/ said the following:
"With everything that's been going on lately, I think it would be best if you got your stuff out of my house. I'll give you a few days to think about how you're going to move it and where you're going to put it and when you will be able to move it. And please let me know as soon as possible when you will be able to move it, I think that's fair."
That I had */NOT/* said for him to get his shit out of my house as soon as possible, which is what he said I had told him.
He looked shocked and chagrinned and spluttered a pisspoor and vague attempt at excusing why he had responded so badly to that phone call while he was at work.
"I was at work--I was tired--you should've known that I wouldn't have understood that--I--"
I replied, "OH! So because /you're/ tired and because you answer your phone at /work/ it's /MY/ fault you're too stupid to understand basic English?!"
Perhaps I was too sharp, but after almost a week of being NIGH-COMPLETELY IGNORED and REASONLESSLY REJECTED by someone who is always supposed to be open to me, I felt some stinging honesty was merited.
I told him that if he needed some time to think about what I had just said I would understand. I'd understand because it would mean he freaked out and sent a mean-spirited text to me when he should have realized how disrespectful he was being. It would mean that I actually wasn't some arrogantly glowering and unfoundedly disappointed entity in his life, mindlessly spewing bile all over everything he had been trying to do after the life he thought he knew fell to pieces around him. It would mean he'd made a huge and regrettable mistake by hanging up on me all those times and being rude for so long.
Somewhere in our time together, he informed me about some kind of lie he and his girlfriend told. He explained so ineptly that I didn't comprehend what he lied about or to whom or when at first. I /believe/ it was about their 'mutual break-up' but I honestly don't care what it was about. I was angry that he could pretend to have the higher-ground on everything happening in his life and then turn out to be a liar. I raptly explained my take on this latest piece of information.
"Well I'm REALLY glad we got together tonight so you could tell me about all the LIES YOU TOLD ME!!"
While I glared at him he quickly said that they had lied to everyone, to which I replied, "how is that supposed to make me feel better? I'm your BEST FRIEND. When you have a lie you're going to tell everyone, I'M supposed to be in on it!"
We talked for a bit longer, didn't express anything else significant and before we parted a little while later outside the restaurant, I bade him stay and let me express a few things. He kept saying he had to go home so he could go to sleep but I felt it important for us to get more than just our little toes into the door of desperately needed reparations.
I asked him what he thought I would do and say after him and his on-again/off-again girlfriend got back together. He said he thought I would freak out and yell at him and call him stupid. I then asked him if I had ever done anything of the sort in the past. To which he replied "no, but it seemed the perfect situation to start."
I thought he knew who I was.
I told him that no one had ever treated him better in his entire life than me, that no one had tried to be his friend as much I had. That other people would have given up long ago but that I don't walk out of people's lives simply because things get tough.
His own alcoholic, manic-depressive battered-wife of a parody of mother treated him worse in the past than he thought I had treated him. But I'm a bad guy even though I tried so hard and so many times to reach out.
We went to our respective homes after saying goodbye and that we would talk again ere long. I maintained a sense of realism afterwards though despite my swelling optimism. I knew that at any moment something he considered or something he would deny in order to protect himself from thinking he could make such a grievously incorrect choice could surface and I would be labelled jealous and meddlesome and obsessive once more.
So I texted him a day or so later about something that had come up with my father and sister on the Sunday we were supposed to meet up. I was headed to my brother's work with them so that we could have some kind of post-birthday lunch with him, even though he was working. I said in a text message a day or two before Sunday that I would be back in Guildford before late, that it shouldn't interfere with anything. I received no reply.
During lunch with my father and sister I texted him again, something inconsequential about garlic bread (he likes garlic bread, see). And then later on about how we had missed our bus but that I would back in Guilford within an hour. Then again when I was down the street from the apartment of our mutual friends'. I gave it a few minutes and thought, "I'm nearby anyway, I can just call and see what's up."
I phoned his cell and got no answer. I left a message saying I would call back or something. I then called the apartment phone and after a few rings my best friend answered. I said hello and that I had called his cell phone...
"Oh, it vibrated."
That's because I had called it. >;|
I could hear his girlfriend's loud and nasal voice in the background and asked, "So, should we meet up now or later or what's up?"
"We have plans today?"
"That's a stupid question," I snapped.
"So that's a no..?"
"No. That's a yes," I said.
I could hear his girlfriend giggling in the background.
"Uh, can I call you in a bit?"
"Sure. Talk to you later."
And then I waited for three hours. THREE HOURS is not 'a bit'. So I called him back at 8:12pm. It rang and rang and I got his voice mail. I said, "Hey, [insert best friend's name here]" and hung up and called again. This time the call was cancelled. I was angry but I didn't want to freak out so I hung up and called again. That call was cancelled too. I left this as a message:
"It seems like you're hanging up on me again. That's unfortunate."
And then came a text message.
"I forgot, i am watching a movie. I can call you afterwards."
I texted him immediately.
"I feel like my heart is in my neck."
No response.
Looked like he was blowing me off. And he was doing it for his promiscuous girlfriend. And they were watching a movie, which costs money. Money he should be saving up to move out. And because he's not saving his money, he's not /trying/ technically anymore, and our mutual friends who have a lease agreement to think about when garnering more roommates could get impatient with him and where would he live then?
And I'm not getting ahead of myself with that train of thought because he lived at my place for a long time after his useless mother decided to pick up the family and move to the middle of nowhere. And he was less than spectacular at paying his part of the rent. I remember well.
I thought I would wait another three hours before calling again. Those hours crawled by like molasses in winter time.
As 11:12 approached, I got the urge to call before the time frame I had set myself, and then, as the clock struck eleven I thought, "do I even /want/ to call him? Should I even bother? I've bent over backwards for him to repair things and he shut me out or put an insultingly pitiful amount of effort into every chance we had to talk."
So I didn't call.
At 11:37pm I got a text message (not a phone call) from my best friend.
"Sorry i was going to call but the movie ended and had to walk [girlfriend's petname here] home. i just plugged in my phone."
I was furious but I appreciated exactly what was going on. So I texted my reply.
"I'm free now. Just reading old emails."
At 11:40pm he messaged again.
"I need to wake up at seven for work tomorrow and I feel dead tired."
I didn't text him back. I checked around on Livejournal and Facebook instead and found that he was online too. Too tired to give me a call but awake enough to post on Livejournal about being inebriated, how "the last few days have been so awesome" and how he "hasn't felt this good in months." I posted a reply to this latest affront.
"And then there is me." I said. Two minutes later I received a message on Facebook.
"I get this feeling your obsessing, and the more you push things towards me the more I want to run away."
Another two minutes and I got another message.
"I have a feeling that everything you want to talk about, was not brought on by me or my actions.
I think you have been thinking too much and too deeply into some things."
I typed up everything I could think of to refute his comments, but then I considered the use of petty bickering. So I messaged him this instead.
"You lied to me."
The following morning brought with it another message in my Facebook inbox.
"FINE I STILL DONT WANT TO TALK. I AM NOT READY TO HAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE WRONG pointed out for me."
I thought about what this meant and sent:
"That's because you're afraid to own up to what you have done.
Call me when you grow up."
I was restless for a while and disappointed about how everything played out, so I texted him about the stuff he had forgotten at my place and the money he owed me. I didn't think it was a rude message but I didn't think it would do any good. I just felt so helpless and frustrated with everything. There was no reply to it in the days that followed.
Just my thoughts.
Fuck him, I thought. FUCK HIM!! FUCK THAT BASTARD-ASSHOLE FOR SELLING ME OUT SO HEINOUSLY!!! FUCK HIM AND HIS LIES AND HIS PLEASANT PLOYS, FAKE CONSOLATIONS TO APPEAR AS IF HE'S TRYING, TO SEEM AS IF HE'S DONE NO WRONG!!! FUCK HIS HYPOCRISY AND BULLSHIT AND IDIOCY AND EVERYTHING!!!!! FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!!
I was left alone in my caricature of a friendship. I was left to deal with the rage that threatened to sweep me towards vengeance, the sorrow that pushed my mind into the darkest corners of my consciousness. Worst of all, the tide rushed back and forth between the two. I was anxious for days as I tried to think of a way out of the hellhole my mind had become. And of course, then came the numbness.
Bitterness.
Cynicism.
And then the itch to write out my qualms struck me. But not to demonise my best friend. I just wanted an honest record of what happened. I wanted to be able to remember what I had felt, said, and done.
And I wanted feedback. It took me more than thirteen hours to type all of this. And I don't expect to be praised or commended or canonized. And I sure as hell don't expect him to say anything about it.
To my once and maybe sometime-in-the-future best friend: I didn't burn a bridge here unless you can't face the facts. I didn't push you away or lie to you. I didn't let you down or fail as a friend. I encompassed the morals and qualities you always knew I had. I don't ignore people, so if you try to contact me, I'll be open to a dialogue. I sincerely hope you will have grown as a person by then.
I think I can move forward now.
~Jack
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, oh lord
can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord
well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before, my friend
but I don't know if you know who I am
well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
so you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
it's all been a pack of lies
and I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment all my life, oh lord, oh lord
well I remember, I remember, don't worry
how could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
but I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
the hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
it's no stranger to you or me
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord...
I've been the most frustrated I've ever been in my entire life over the last four weeks. I've been anxious, sleeping irregularly, and waking up tired. My mood has been shifting rapidly between depression and rage. And that's when I wasn't feeling numb, of course. I haven't been able to concentrate on much of anything and the cause of all this stress is my best friend. It was four weeks ago that he decided instead of telling me that he would be getting back together with his girlfriend, he would just pretend everything is perfectly fine.
But why would getting back together with his girlfriend be a bad thing, you ask? I can explain.
On the day they broke up, he asked her in the morning if he could join her at the beach with her friends. He had seven or more hours before he had to be at work and they had recently had a serious discussion about how they never do much of anything together and would like to reinforce their relationship. She said no and went back to looking for this and that around the bedroom as he sat at his computer. He inquired as to why he would not be allowed to join them but she ignored him and let awkward silence debate the point. He went to have a shower and when he came back his computer wasn't working and his girlfriend was gone. He sent a text message to her (I was allowed to read it in the hours following) saying "I don't see why I can't come along with you. I feel like your fucking-toy, only to be paid attention to when you're horny." [Please understand, the exact meaning of the text message is expressed in the quote because my best friend and I discussed what he had typed and meant not long after what follows.] It wasn't long after he sent the text that he had received a reply. Sitting in the room he shared with his girlfriend at her mother's house he read, "I don't appreciate the way you're talking to my daughter. I am confiscating her cell phone." The medicated, stay-at-home, Warcraft marathon-playing single mother had sent the text message, even though it was from his girlfriend's cell, even though the mother was just down the hall in her bedroom. My friend, somewhat panicked, called me and asked what he should do. I was on the bus headed to work and said that the mother was out of line for interfering like this in her daughter's private life and that he should just ignore it until he could talk to his girlfriend. I received a phone call a couple hours later from my best friend and he explained that all the cords at the back of his computer were unplugged and that two thirds of his RAM and the suit jacket he wore to his girlfriend's grad were missing. He said he was at McDonald's getting something to eat while he waited for his uniform to wash. I wished him well and went back to my shift only to receive another phone call from my friend who informed me that, even though he has a key to his girlfriend's mother's place (because he was paying $250 per month to share the same bed as the girlfriend and the same meals as the family), he could not get in because a chair had been propped against the door. He said he had knocked on the door and rang the doorbell and used his cell phone to call the house to no avail. We agreed that it seemed he was being suddenly evicted from the home and as the girlfriend behaved peculiarly in the morning and had left her cell phone with her mother, we also agreed that what was happening seemed more than just suspicious. He said he would drop by the homes of several mutual friends and I went back to my shift which would be over in the evening. As the hours crept by, my best friend in the company of mutual friends now called his girlfriend on her home phone and cell phone but no one answered. The story gets muddled at this point but what I do know is that the girl amongst my best friend's group called and was answered by the girlfriend's mother. Our female friend asked for [insert name of girlfriend here] and replied when asked that she was [insert commonplace female name here]. The mother cheerfully greeted our female friend and handed the phone to the girlfriend who whispered "Who's on the phone?" to her mother before saying hello just as delightfully as the mother. It was at this point that my best friend was handed the phone by our female friend and that upon hearing his voice, the girlfriend hung up. I'm told that my best friend looked crushed when this happened, but he denies it. Time went by and I was never told how, but my best friend found himself on the phone with his girlfriend's best friend (who ALSO lives at the house with the Warcraft-addicted mother and immature girlfriend). My best friend asked to speak to his girlfriend, asked if they were breaking up, expressed his assumptions on being evicted without notice and was informed, "yep, you're being broken up with, you're being kicked out, and no, you cannot talk to her". I wasn't there when this conversation transpired but I heard later from my best friend that when he asked if he could retrieve his belongings, the best friend of the girlfriend laughed at him and said they would let him know when he could come and pick up his things. Before he hung up during this call or possibly during another with the arrogant best friend of the girlfriend, my best friend heard his girlfriend scream loudly, "I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!" too cowardly to tell him in person. Suffice to say, my best friend did not get to work that day. I met up with my best friend and some of our mutual friends at the Fleetwood Boston Pizza while we waited for a call back from the Surrey RCMP. For those of you who don't know, it doesn't matter how much rent you did not pay or how much damage to the property you have done, or why you're being evicted, no landlord is allowed to keep you from your belongings. An hour or so later, we were informed that an officer would meet us at the girlfriend's mother's home and that my best friend would be allowed to get his things. The mother loudly, awkwardly, nasally, and sycophantically greeted the police officer and maintained a pointless and grating conversation with him about absolutely anything but what was going on. My best friend checked around the home for things that might be his while a mutual friend and myself moved boxes out of the townhouse. The girlfriend was nowhere to be seen--but only because the coward was hiding in her mommy's room upstairs. With all the boxes moved out and all the rooms checked for his property, my best friend declared that his suit jacket was missing, and so was a stick of RAM and the monitor he was given many months back. The mother disavowed everything. The police officer said it could not be proven and the subject was dropped. A taxi was called to move the twenty or so boxes to my home where they would rest in my foyer until a better location could be found. My best friend was welcomed to stay at our mutual friends' apartment where the four of them rent a three bedroom. He would be allowed to stay for two weeks but that changed to "until he gets back on his feet so long as he is trying". Via Facebook, I came across the girlfriend's status which earlier in the night said she was "baking a cake" and not long before midnight said she was "laughing". Then my best friend's account was de-friended.
*sigh and a break*
I met with my best friend the day after, a sunny Wednesday afternoon in August, and we talked about a few things before I honoured plans with another good friend of mine and went out to meet her. Through text messages and Facebook and whatever else, it was communicated to me that my best friend and his then ex-girlfriend had agreed to meet up to talk. He told me in a long text message (abrupt sentences mostly) that she wanted to talk to him, that he wanted to talk to her, that he would not be forgiving, that he would not sleep with her until he trusted her, and then he ordered me not to interfere before saying he would keep me updated.
He didn't.
But Facebook did. It was after midnight, I believe, that my best friend and his once-again girlfriend were listed as being in a relationship. The next few days at work were long ones I find difficult to remember. But what I do remember is sending a text message to my best friend (who had not informed me that he and his girlfriend were dating again) saying, "As you and [insert the immature and cowardly one's name here] are going out again, she should be happy to get your suit jacket and RAM for you." He replied, "I refuse to have anything to do with the mother." To which I said, "I meant [his girlfriend]." But the text message that followed simply stated that my best friend didn't care about those things anymore.
The next day, Friday, I received another text message from my best friend. He said that we could "go for a walk after work". Between my best friend and I, this means we're going to discuss things. I didn't know that he was working from 5pm until some random time in the evening so I went to the apartment and the aforementioned female friend and I went swimming in the pool there to wait for him. I had texted him about going swimming with [insert female friend name here] so I checked my phone once or twice to see if my best friend was off work and trying to contact me for our walk but there were no texts or missed calls. We headed up to the apartment where I found him, sitting in front of his computer playing Warcraft. Everyone said their hellos and I went into the living room, knowing that if he's playing Warcraft I could be waiting for several hours. Our female friend and I watched some TV to kill time and after what had to be half an hour, she suddenly said, "Hey, [Jack's best friend]! Aren't we gonna talk?" Many minutes later, my best friend bounded into the room and sat on a couch as far away from us as he could and positioned his arms around his legs and his phone to his face, playing with its flipping quality nervously with his teeth and lips.
Sidenote: even before his relationship with this girl went South, he had issues with her keeping in touch with her ex-boyfriend, the one she had dated just 3 weeks before hopping into bed with my best friend. There had been multiple occasions where she had pretended to forget about plans they had made. Much happened in the eight or so months before the eviction/dumping that caused my best friend to doubt her and he was quoted as saying at least four times in the month leading up to the eviction/dumping that he was planning on breaking up with her. And let's not forget the time she left the house "for a jog" but ended up in her car with her ex-boyfriend, allegedly talking for hours. So understand that him getting back together with this girl shocked and dismayed most everyone who knew about it. And rightly so...
So my best friend was nervous, and who wouldn't be? It looked like he was about to be interrogated by our female friend and myself. I didn't partake in the discussion very much at all. I sat on the couch with my arms folded and a grim countenance as she asked some innocent questions, some easily-answered ones for comfort, some tough ones to bring some truth to light; all of this so that she could possibly help my best friend and I talk about the tension that had arisen after he sneakily got back together with his girlfriend. I listened to what was said and I couldn't tolerate the discrepancies in his answers and how they reflected on his morals so I walked out of the living room. I sat for about twenty minutes in the den with the rest of the mutual friends as they played on their computers before I was too upset to just sit around with no action on my best friend's part and I went to get my towel and swimsuit from the living room. Our female friend asked if I would be joining them to talk to which I replied that I would not, and my best friend stated "I thought you wanted to talk!" I didn't look at him as I strode from the room saying "whatever" to him and then goodbye to the others. I put on my shoes and went to sit in the stairwell of the apartment building. As I left their place I got a text message from my best friend saying, "you're being immature". We had a useless texted spat where he didn't respond to the tough rhetoric I posed. Such as, "She dumped you without talking to you and had you evicted from her house without warning. Didn't stop you from rushing to talk to her." During this regrettable tiff he sent me a message saying he didn't actually want to talk anyway, that he was only going to walk around with me because he thought I would've wanted to know what was going on. I pointed out to him in texts that he had no intention of going for a walk to discuss anything because (as I had learned from him), he had been on his computer for about an hour before our female friend and I came back from the pool. He said he had only started to play Warcraft because he was "trying to relax before he had to become super defensive with me later". [The text message as expressed by the quotations is a verbatim recollection of what he said to me.]
I just have to stop and say something: why would my BEST FRIEND of more than EIGHT YEARS have to be "super defensive" around me? Am I not the most affable person you know?
So our texted argument wound down to awkward silence, as most arguments between people who truly care about each other do. I was left to reflect on the things I had learned as I walked home across Guildford and I pondered them more in the weeks that have passed since. I learned that he had not actually wanted to tell me about dating that girl again. I'm not sure how he thought it could be kept a secret, but for some ill-begotten reason I was supposed to be left in the dark.
*break to consider the importance of the chronological order of things*
Alas, a short recess has reminded me of the point of this entire essay: that I am frustrated and indignant, insulted and dejected, that I am heinously forsaken in my best friendship. (Double entendre?)
On the Tuesday of the eviction/dumping, my best friend devised a plan for my mother's benefit. On Sunday the 2nd of September at noon, my best friend and myself with my mother's supervision would organize our shed and then move his many boxes in there so as to free our foyer. Then at 2pm, we would play Dungeons and Dragons in my room with a good friend. Two or three days before that Sunday, my best friend and I happened to be hanging out (we were going to get some important envelope he needed for something) and I confirmed the plans with my mother and my best friend. The Sunday arrived and with it a text from my best friend stating that he is too sick to move things and play DnD, that he was just going to stay at the apartment and sleep and look online for places to rent. With all the tension, I had not expected DnD to progress as usual, I suspected that his flaky nature would rear it's irritating head. But at the same time, I considered the good of what he said he would do. I said in my reply that it was not a problem. [I did not want to play Dungeons and Dragons, truth be told. I felt it would be annoying to try to play a game when I really just wanted to ask how he was doing and to find out if maybe his travesty of a relationship was something more meaningful. I also wanted to put to rest properly the argument and the "whatever" and /everything/ else from weeks past.]
My mother did not go to church that Sunday. She went to the Kia dealership instead. And while I was there with her I saw a burger place and thought of how little food my best friend had access to (our mutual friends gave him a couch to sleep on, not a fridge to pilfer). Another text messaged argument ensued. [I saved the entire thing, here it is in its anti-climactic glory.]
Moi: "I might go to a burger place, do you want me to bring you anything?"
Him: "No. I am out with [insert the girlfriend's pet name here] chatting."
Moi: "What happened to being too tired and sick for DnD? What about your
commitment to my mum and I to move your belongings into the shed?"
Him: "Don't freak out. We have all day to note stuff. Im talking to [insert the girlfriend's Christian name here]."
Moi: "I'm disappointed--I'm not freaking out. I honestly thought you
were telling the truth when you agreed to packing the shed."
Him: {{{eleven or more minutes of no response}}}
Moi: "You said "DnD at 2pm, pack the shed at noon." I asked my mum if that
worked, she agreed.
Why did you break your word?"
Him: "Wow. I just said I would. Please stop."
Moi: "I don't know why you're mad at me for pointing out what you did wrong.
My mother skipped church today for the time frame you set."
Him: {{{16 minutes of no response}}}
Moi: "I'm so calm right now. So I can tell you honestly: I still want to be
your friend, I still think you're worth it. You're my best friend."
Him: {{{13 minutes later}}} "[name of his girlfriend] is being kicked out of her house. Says her mom."
Moi: "I'm sure the law won't allow that, barricaded door or not."
Him: "[the girlfriend's best friend] is being kicked out."
Then he called several minutes later while I was at the Guildford Station Pub with my mother. He gave a hasty apology for not moving his things and breaking the plans and something else, all in one breath. But I know my best friend and he doesn't give a shit about apologies, least of all giving them, so I said, "alright, alright, okay..." and dismissed most of what he said to the usual superficial crap I am more than accustomed to when it comes to him messing up. I can get over the argument, I can get over the potential flaking out, but the /way/ it was done touched a nerve.
So I added this pathetic breakdown of communication to the list of concerns I wanted to discuss with him.
Time stopped for no one and on the morning of the day he was supposed to see his girlfriend, he found on a mini-feed on Facebook that she had added her ex-boyfriend as a friend. One of the main issues of their entire relationship flared up once more; she had apparently broken her word from when they renewed their vows. There was trouble in paradise.
I went home or to work or to whatever and later that day, in the evening, my best friend suddenly came up with a plan that him and I would go for a walk and talk, that he would give me an update as he promised he would. He seemed upset, sinister really, and we went for a short walk in the rain. One where he said a "mutual break up" occurred between him and his girlfriend and that they would "remain friends because I have to get serious about finding a place and she has college starting tomorrow..." He tried to sell me a story about how they want to be together but that they just can't right now, that they had reformed their relationship and were now 'best friends'. I had my criticisms of the whole debacle [I held my tongue on more of them than anyone will ever know] and at one point he exploded into a description of how I am biassed against her, and I hate her, how I think she's vile and despicable and that she had nothing to do with him being evicted, it was the mother, the mother and [girlfriend's] best friend were pressuring her to break up with him and who wouldn't give into pressure from the most important people in their life? I remember it well. I remember thinking, "only a pathetic, disloyal, weak, and malevolently conniving person would ABANDON their 'one true love' like that and then throw a party with cake the night he showed up with the police to fetch his things." I remember.
This argument wound down to awkward silence, nothing resolved.
Some parts are hazy in my memory, but I remember the following day. I marked it on my calendar.
I had heard from our mutual friends through Warcraft that he was on the patio talking on the phone to his girlfriend looking upset. Shortly thereafter his Facebook status changed to something about being angry and vengeful and that he had "lost his best friend". I texted him about his status out of concern asking what friend he had lost (I had never heard him refer to that girl as his best friend before). He didn't answer for some time. And then I got this:
"I am going to Fucking kill someone on my walk."
I called him and he actually answered. He was breathing hard from running around and I don't remember what was said but he actually agreed to meet me after much deliberation. I hurried to put my shoes on and I met him outside. He was walking very quickly and said he would not wait for me if I walked slowly. So I tried to keep up with him as he punched signs, kicked curbs, smacked parked cars, shoved shopping carts end over end, and blathered angrily and incoherently about all manner of things related to his new best friend/old girlfriend/ex-best friend and I surmised that she had done or said something very significant to upset him. He was talking about how he hated her and told her he never wanted to talk to her again and that he can't trust women and after several minutes of this ridiculous emotional tirade, of telling him he's not allowed to break things that don't belong to him, and that he was hurting himself [indeed, his hands were swollen, bruised, and blood was dripping from multiple places] I bellowed at him, "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!" He turned around so quickly I thought he intended to strike me. I stood there staring at him and a crazed look came over his face as he turned away from me to yell and scream "WHAT DO YOU THINK MY PROBLEM IS?!?!?!" and continued with his insane ramblings. I was begging and pleading with him to tell me what was wrong, chastising him for his recklessness, all the while trying to figure out what he was going on about (on and on). Somewhere in our time together, near the old Silvercity Guildford, he asked if I wanted to punch him.
I said yes.
So we stood about six feet apart and stared at each other silently. I remember the glare high above us from the towering parking lot lights. I remember realizing how quiet the heart of Guildford was. And then he started to turn from me again but I spoke up, "I'm not done with you yet," I said. So he turned around once more and we faced each other, about three feet apart now. I looked at his face, planned where my fist would go, thought about how I would best smash him and then tremulously asked if he would talk to me afterwards.
"Yes."
And if he would punch me back.
"No."
And whether or not I should take off my ring.
"Your choice," with a smile and flash of his eyes.
I put my fingers on my ring and made a pained expression in anticipation of the chunk of skin I could rend from his face with it. Then I left it on and readied myself.
He winced as I went to rap his left cheekbone but he turned to his right and slightly down. I had punched more of the back of his head than anywhere else and caught my index finger on his smelly plug in his stretched earlobe. I was bleeding a very small amount from near my knuckle and he had a headache and a ringing in his ears. Then we continued walking as before, me trailing behind the lunatic I hoped would soon be my best friend again.
He kept rambling angrily, more and more stuff I cannot for the life of me remember because everything he said was disjointed and out of context, in first person then third person, then back to the original subject. It was difficult to follow and I got fed up with all the asinine behaviour and the repeated requests for him to stop and talk to /me/ so I just sat down in the middle of the deserted parking lot and waited for him to stop. He actually did after a few moments. I thought he wouldn't, but he's adept at pressing my buttons enough to make me mad but not enough to make me quit. I demanded yet again that he talk to me and he questioned the point of talking about it at all. I asked him if he trusted me (when he happened to be facing away from me again) and he said yes. I should've known he was lying.
We found ourselves at McDonald's. He had said he was hungry and I felt that if I were to spend some money he promised to pay back then he would have had at least one meal that day. So he got some food and I got a McFlurry and we talked about things other than his problems or my concerns. We eventually went back to our mutual friends' apartment and as he typed something on the computer I stated that I wanted to look at his hand and fetch him some ice and a bandaid for the cut but that he would not let me but the simple fact that I tried would help me get it out of my system enough to someday let it go that he messed up his body because of angst and would not let me help. He did not let me help. Looking back, it was nice to hang out, but what a fucking waste of time.
He typed up a Livejournal entry about the night he had had and he let me read it. I was so afraid to lose my best friend that I didn't question the part at the end of the journal that read "I will see you tomorrow," dictated to his once-again girlfriend or new best friend or WHATEVER he was referring to her as at that point.
Sidenote: earlier in the day at the apartment, he had mentioned that he was keeping a journal again whilst he typed something on his computer (later to be revealed as a journal entry). I enquired about it and he said that no one knew about it but that I could read it later. I didn't know if it was on Livejournal.com at the time but I thought maybe it was. I went home not long after he said I could read it (I hadn't read it at this point) and was playing a little Warcraft and checking through Livejournal for his girlfriend's latest posts when I came across a name on her friend list I had not seen before. I looked it up and my best friend's picture was the users icon. I left a comment in his latest entry: "I thought you said no one knew about this." Later in the evening, after the queer punch-standoff, he said that my comment had made him angry but that he hadn't bothered to respond. I was angry about him lying to me about his journal nobody was supposed to know about, but given everything I've already written, I obviously had bigger things on my mind.
One of them being a Livejournal entry by [insert callous title for the girlfriend here] bemoaning the fact that she is breaking not only my best friend's heart, but that of her ex-boyfriend (the one she has been keeping around the last ten months or longer). That's right, it's all clearly written for all to see, you don't have to be on her friend list or anything. She whines about how she is fucking up and how she doesn't want to but is anyway. She devotes a few short sentences to each of the guys she claims to love, mostly meaningless apologies and seemingly good intentions for the future, but it's a pathetic display of wanton selfishness because she gets close to deciding what must be done but then backs away from it and takes a few steps backwards, so to speak.
Ah well. /I'm/ not sleeping with her.
Anyways.
After his freak out, I thought maybe I could just stand back for a spell and see what happens. I decided I would contact him on the evening of the second day after his bout with insanity (Thursday evening). I was waiting for my bus to work and wondering how I would get through the day without sending a text message to him to ask what was up and how he was doing when I got a text message from him [here I go, another text message quoted out of the bowels of my cell, verbatim, mind you]:
"I just need to be alone for a bit okay? Please dont interfere. . I will be safe. I won't hurt myself or anybody else."
I replied after some careful thought, "I can't understand why you're pushing me away. You said you trusted me. And I'm disappointed that you couldn't talk to me in person about this." He gave no response.
Thirty-seven minutes later I received another text message from him, just as I was about to walk onto the floor at my job. It read: "It has been so long since i had normal Mcdonalds coffee. It tastes great."
I had thought about what he said about leaving him alone and with the latest text I received, I had all but decided that he had indeed snapped. So I left him untexted all day and night.
Chapter 39 - The Plot Thickens, The Pace Quickens, & the Shit Hits the Fan
With everything that had transpired over the last two or more weeks, everything said and unsaid, and then to be told in a text message that I was simply supposed to just go away without an end in sight to the hiatus, I obviously had much to think about. And think I did.
I thought long and hard about the ramifications of what was to follow. I thought about what I should do, what he should do, what the girlfriend A.K.A. new/lost best friend should do. I pretty much contemplated every angle and factor imaginable. I realized that I was being disrespected by one of my closest friends. My reasoning is logical.
I had a foyer full of so many boxes that it was difficult to get up and downstairs. These boxes of my best friend's possessions were at my place because he had been evicted from his (and I use this term loosely) gIrLfRiEnD's mother's house. He had set a time with my mother to move the boxes to a better place at my home and reneged on the promise. Then he told me for all intents and purposes to go away. Why should I store the belongings of someone who does not respect me? Why shouldn't I just transport it to the Warcraft-fixated mother's house now that he is going out with her daughter again? Or was I supposed to move the stuff into the shed with my recovering hernia and my 60 year old mother? I don't think so.
What I did think was that I could call him and politely inform him that I felt his stuff should be moved.
So I did.
It was Friday afternoon and I was on my break at work. I picked up my cell phone and dialled his number. I knew he was at work and I thought I would just leave a voice mail and he knows he's always allowed to call me so I thought it would go over well enough. He answered his phone. We greeted each other and with my heart pounding in my neck I managed to explain to him the following sentence.
{{{And I swear on everything respectable and honest, true friendship, proper manners, and anything decent and just that I said the exact sentence in quotations and that I said it in the exact way it's typed.}}}
"With everything that's been going on lately, I think it would be best if you got your stuff out of my house. I'll give you a few days to think about how you're going to move it and where you're going to put it and when you will be able to move it. And please let me know as soon as possible when you will be able to move it, I think that's fair."
We said goodbye and I thought that things had gone pretty well until a few minutes later. The text message from him read:
"You are no better than [his girlfriend's mother who barricaded the door and allegedly twisted her daughter's mind against my best friend]."
I didn't deign to respond. I thought of what I could say but this just proved he wasn't listening to reason. What are the chances he would listen to me?
The following day was Saturday, I had arrangements with a good friend of mine to meet near the Whalley Library for a feast of Greek food at our favourite taverna. I was waiting for the bus thinking about everything that had happened recently and not-so-recently and decided that I should set up a time to discuss things in person to explain why certain things were said. I called his cell phone and hoped he would answer and he didn't pick up. So I left a message and as I was hanging up I received a text.
"Do you want to talk or yell at me? Or tell me everything I am doing wrong?"
As I was thinking about how to respond so as not to accidentally piss him off further, I was phoned by him. I said that I was on the bus so it wasn't easy to hear. We were generally nice to each other and somewhat guarded. After our little conversation I was mildly hopeful that he had agreed to talk to me the next day (Sunday) to "see where we're at," in his words. But I should've known better.
I was sitting at my computer and chatting with our mutual friends via Warcraft (while in a dungeon with a group) when they told me that he was headed over to my place with a taxi to fetch his things. He hadn't called in advance, he hadn't said anything about dropping by at all except for an offhand remark on Livejournal (something about how he /might/ be able to do something about his stuff on Sunday). Was I supposed to just sit around and wait for him? And why was he coming over with a taxi if we were supposed to "see where we're at"?
Frankly, I don't understand why he needed a taxi at all. He has more than a few friends with vehicles and I offered him time to plan so he could've asked a bunch of people for some help. He's supposed to be trying to save money to move out and a taxi charges a $10 cargo fee for moving things... It was such a waste of time and money. He could have questioned the necessity of why I wanted his stuff gone.
But he didn't. He grabbed his things and left. After several hours of not hearing anything, I thought that he would be done with moving his stuff so I called him. I called and called and left polite voice mails asking then pleading for him to call me back. I sent some text messages, born of anger but not exuding it. They said what my voice mails had said.
Over the next several days, when he wasn't cancelling my phone calls to him, he was ignoring the messages I left. When he wasn't ignoring my texts, he was responding slightly off-topic and spitefully. When he wasn't disregarding the messages I left for him on Facebook, he was being an ignorant ass to me. And he deleted all the wall-posts to him on Facebook and the few comments I made to him on Livejournal. Nothing elicited a positive response. Like I said about the Facebook messages, he only used what I said for partially-relavant vitriol.
Here's a sample of our texted conversations for your viewing displeasure:
Moi: "I want to talk about us as friends. I'm hurt that you won't talk to me. Why is this happening?"
Him: "I dont feel like talking."
Moi: "I can't accept that. Please, please call me."
Him: "I dont want to talk.
Same as last week."
Moi: "You need to stop being a coward and talk to me face to face.
No one has fought for you like I am.
You owe me an explanation."
Him: "you can not force me to talk to you."
Moi: "I can't force you to do anything. And I don't want to force you to do anything.
I think you owe me the conversation you agreed to have."
Him: "I was there, you made no move to talk. You missed out, your fault."
Moi: "So it's over forever now?
This hurts so much.
Please just talk to me. I want to be your friend!!"
Him: "Dont push your luck. I think we can talk after I move into my new house."
Moi: "I'm not giving up on you. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow. You can say or ask me anything you want."
Him: "If you talked to me like a friend I probably would talk to you. But your being very rude and insulting in your texts. The more you push whatever it is you want to talk about the more I want to call off this friendship."
Moi: {{{me trying to /actually/ talk to him because text messages suck at conveying tone and he has a long history of misinterpreting what I say in text messages}}}
Him: "Stop calling my phone. Were not talking, im not ready."
Moi: "I need to know what happened that drives you to such lengths to avoid me. My feelings are hurt.
You haven't been ready to talk in weeks."
Him: "The biggest reason right now is that you made me waste money on moving my shit out of your house. You bailed as a best friend and you want to talk about [his girlfriend's name here] and I. Not your relationship to talk about. I am working now."
Moi: "I don't know how many times I said I want to talk about you and me.
Our friendship.
I never once mentioned [her] during all of this."
{{{these are mostly from one or two conversations through text messages, they span several days}}}
Moi: "I haven't been calling like a maniac out of some wack desperation. I believe we have things we can explain to each other that will reduce the anger."
{{{a few minutes later I sent the following}}}
"I know you're really mad, but this has been a terrible misunderstanding."
Him: "I am out with [whatsherface] now. I will think about it."
Whether it happened before, after, or during the texted exchange above, my best friend and I had this to say to each other on Facebook:
Moi: "I am very upset.
Your status might be for me, it might not. Whatever the case, I feel mocked.
{{{his status read, "I am awfully sorry."}}}
And the coffee text message thing made you appear kind of crazy as you sent it 37 minutes after you said in a previous text message that basically, I should just go away."
Him: "My status is not for you. I would want to hang out with you if you wanted to do anything other than talk about [the beast] etc etc.
I am dealing I am figuring it out. I don't want anybody else to talk to me about it or to help me because your help will be wasted. 'Your help' as in anybodys help.
I don't want to waste your time or [our female friend]'s or anybodys but mine atm. Please try to understand. I am not trying to piss you off but I need some time to be alone with her or people I don't know that well. People who I can hang out with and forget about all my problems.
and I am sorry I cant do that with you."
Moi: "You forget that within the last week, I said, "we should hang out and act like we used to; talk about DnD and WoW and movies we want to see, go to a movie... to relive the good times to dilute all the these crappy hang outs." (It was something very close to that.)
Then I wonder who your status is for.
You're not dealing. You're pretending everything is fine and as if a small amount of time can make your homelessness and irresponsibility evapourate. You contradicted yourself by saying you're out to forget your problems.
In a time of crisis, people who know you really well are usually first in line when choosing who to hang out with. Especially when they have been waiting WEEKS to hang out with you and find out what is going on because they are mortally concerned and worried sick.
I thought you knew me well enough to know that you CAN just chillax with me. And I thought you were decent enough to know that chillaxing comes after the issues are dealt with. Not every issue happening right now is yours, you know.
I hate texted conversation."
Him: "This is what I am talking about though. I am sorry that I need to be harsh when I say this:
Talk to me when you wont talk or mention anything about this."
Moi: "Define "this"."
Him: "'You're not dealing. You're pretending everything is fine and as if a small amount of time can make your homelessness and irresponsibility evapourate. You contradicted yourself by saying you're out to forget your problems.
In a time of crisis, people who know you really well are usually first in line when choosing who to hang out with. Especially when they have been waiting WEEKS to hang out with you and find out what is going on because they are mortally concerned and worried sick.
I thought you knew me well enough to know that you CAN just chillax with me. And I thought you were decent enough to know that chillaxing comes after the issues are dealt with. Not every issue happening right now is yours, you know.'"
Him {again}: "sorry but I am not replying anymore. You are stressing me out."
Moi: "You didn't express any retorts to what I said. You simply brushed off my point(s) with a knee-jerk response and by shutting down.
You are stressing /me/ out. I am scared for your welfare!
You're running away from me.
This is so depressing."
Him: "I am running in general. Please stop. trying to catch me your only going to make me run faster."
Moi: "Don't blame your vices on other people. It is your decision to perpetuate this self-destructive pattern.
You're running away because I am one of the few people in your life who has ever demanded more from you than to be a brainless punching bag (for emotional attacks or otherwise).
I CARE ABOUT YOU!! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!!"
Him: "I am going out."
Sidenote: I was PISSED OFF about many things said during our non-vocal disputes. I was so mad I could've spat. The gall, the hypocrisy, the ignorance and spite behind certain comments infuriated me so I was without words at times. But I reminded myself that I did not want wrath to be a part of my personality. And I was grateful to my short attention span when something else came to distract me. Sleeping may not have been of the highest quality during these trying weeks, but it was very welcome.
After the texted/typed conversations/arguments, he did not end up calling me. He continued to shove me firmly to the very fringes of his world with little to no contact whatsoever. Ergo, I am sure many of you are wondering why I put up with so much anxiety, so much disrespect, so much badmouthing and ignorance without throwing in the towel.
Him and I have been best friends for 8 years and I thought that if someone who feels as close to me as a brother and I should stop being friends, that it should be on no uncertain terms. I felt that it would only be appropriate that we have one last conversation before we never see each other again. Who wants to regret the senseless and needless loss of someone such as that?
Things seemed to be not getting any worse for a short while. And then one day on Warcraft he came online. I said hello and tried to expect nothing and he said hello back. I asked if I could tell him about [funny things in Warcraft blah blah blah] and he said sure and we talked rather nicely about nothing important whatsoever for a while before he left to go somewhere and do something. I felt a lot better about things but I knew that none of my concerns had been addressed yet, that there was no inclination that circumstances would be getting any better, so I talked to our mutual friends through Warcraft and disclosed to them some eyebrow-raising facts. I had hoped I could prevent something or some things.
One of them being that my best friend should change his passwords because with all the sore emotions and wrath and sadness, I might be pissed off enough to delete his Warcraft characters. I told them to warn him that it is simply a good idea to change your passwords. This was a means to protect my best friend from my bad self. Because if you think this little essay is me getting down with my bad self, you are gravely mistaken.
I guess he was reading over their shoulders because I received /this/ not long after posting the gist of my previous paragraph in Guild Chat.
"Keep making threats why dont you. We wont be friends anymore."
I became quite remorseful and profane in Guild Chat and then quit my Warcraft session and called my best friend immediately. My calls were being cancelled as fast as I could one-touch-dial his number and the future of our friendship was the bleakest yet. I left a voice mail begging, once again, that he listen to me, that he consider what I say. When I felt like I had said concisely and sincerely what I wanted to, I hung up and waited anxiously in my room.
Some tiny miracle must've happened because he texted me saying that he was in a "terrible mood" but that if I wanted to call him, I could.
So I did.
He was angry and saying very little. I don't blame him so much for this incident. But I could tell by the punctuation and spelling of his prior text messages that he had put little thought into why I had said what I did. I was upset during this phone call and I forget now almost everything that was said. But I do know that he agreed to talk to me and as the minutes went by, I became more resolute. He said he didn't know when he would talk to me, that maybe in a few days he would let me know when in a few more days we could meet. I said quite firmly, "that's not good enough." He said we could possible talk on Thursday evening, or Sunday. I insisted that he let me know as soon as possible when we would be able to talk. he agreed, but to what exactly?
Still there was hope for salvaging this broken and maybe even worthless friendship. At least we had a chance now.
Or did we?
I compose for you now the bitchfest preceding our face-to-face dialogue (and yes, it was through text messages):
Him: "Busy?"
{{{this was Wednesday evening}}}
Moi: "Nope."
Him: "I want to go to bed for eleven thirty ish"
{{{it was 10:30}}}
Him: "No crying either"
{{{sent before I could reply to his last text}}}
Moi: "Okay. What do you have in mind?"
Moi: "What do you have in mind?"
Him: "Get ready to go out, now."
Moi: "Don't give me orders.
But I'll be ready."
Him: "I am on the quiet road near the park."
Moi: "Calling me would be faster than terse texts."
Him: "Right."
We met on 151st and he greeted me as if he had not been incredibly rude with his text messages. We walked down the street, I was barely saying anything, and he divulged that he was hungry and wanted to go to Boston Pizza. I was trying to gauge what kind of mood he was in and what would be possible to address, if anything, in the short amount of time he gave us. We took a seat and he ordered nachos and said I could have some but I was suddenly not hungry. We eventually did start talking about some of the things I wanted to talk about. But there seemed so much to explore and explain that the conversation was but a preface to the introduction of the epic novel the two of us could write together in search of truth and reconciliation.
It was here that I explained to him the hard pill he needed to swallow, that I /had/ said the following:
"With everything that's been going on lately, I think it would be best if you got your stuff out of my house. I'll give you a few days to think about how you're going to move it and where you're going to put it and when you will be able to move it. And please let me know as soon as possible when you will be able to move it, I think that's fair."
That I had */NOT/* said for him to get his shit out of my house as soon as possible, which is what he said I had told him.
He looked shocked and chagrinned and spluttered a pisspoor and vague attempt at excusing why he had responded so badly to that phone call while he was at work.
"I was at work--I was tired--you should've known that I wouldn't have understood that--I--"
I replied, "OH! So because /you're/ tired and because you answer your phone at /work/ it's /MY/ fault you're too stupid to understand basic English?!"
Perhaps I was too sharp, but after almost a week of being NIGH-COMPLETELY IGNORED and REASONLESSLY REJECTED by someone who is always supposed to be open to me, I felt some stinging honesty was merited.
I told him that if he needed some time to think about what I had just said I would understand. I'd understand because it would mean he freaked out and sent a mean-spirited text to me when he should have realized how disrespectful he was being. It would mean that I actually wasn't some arrogantly glowering and unfoundedly disappointed entity in his life, mindlessly spewing bile all over everything he had been trying to do after the life he thought he knew fell to pieces around him. It would mean he'd made a huge and regrettable mistake by hanging up on me all those times and being rude for so long.
Somewhere in our time together, he informed me about some kind of lie he and his girlfriend told. He explained so ineptly that I didn't comprehend what he lied about or to whom or when at first. I /believe/ it was about their 'mutual break-up' but I honestly don't care what it was about. I was angry that he could pretend to have the higher-ground on everything happening in his life and then turn out to be a liar. I raptly explained my take on this latest piece of information.
"Well I'm REALLY glad we got together tonight so you could tell me about all the LIES YOU TOLD ME!!"
While I glared at him he quickly said that they had lied to everyone, to which I replied, "how is that supposed to make me feel better? I'm your BEST FRIEND. When you have a lie you're going to tell everyone, I'M supposed to be in on it!"
We talked for a bit longer, didn't express anything else significant and before we parted a little while later outside the restaurant, I bade him stay and let me express a few things. He kept saying he had to go home so he could go to sleep but I felt it important for us to get more than just our little toes into the door of desperately needed reparations.
I asked him what he thought I would do and say after him and his on-again/off-again girlfriend got back together. He said he thought I would freak out and yell at him and call him stupid. I then asked him if I had ever done anything of the sort in the past. To which he replied "no, but it seemed the perfect situation to start."
I thought he knew who I was.
I told him that no one had ever treated him better in his entire life than me, that no one had tried to be his friend as much I had. That other people would have given up long ago but that I don't walk out of people's lives simply because things get tough.
His own alcoholic, manic-depressive battered-wife of a parody of mother treated him worse in the past than he thought I had treated him. But I'm a bad guy even though I tried so hard and so many times to reach out.
We went to our respective homes after saying goodbye and that we would talk again ere long. I maintained a sense of realism afterwards though despite my swelling optimism. I knew that at any moment something he considered or something he would deny in order to protect himself from thinking he could make such a grievously incorrect choice could surface and I would be labelled jealous and meddlesome and obsessive once more.
So I texted him a day or so later about something that had come up with my father and sister on the Sunday we were supposed to meet up. I was headed to my brother's work with them so that we could have some kind of post-birthday lunch with him, even though he was working. I said in a text message a day or two before Sunday that I would be back in Guildford before late, that it shouldn't interfere with anything. I received no reply.
During lunch with my father and sister I texted him again, something inconsequential about garlic bread (he likes garlic bread, see). And then later on about how we had missed our bus but that I would back in Guilford within an hour. Then again when I was down the street from the apartment of our mutual friends'. I gave it a few minutes and thought, "I'm nearby anyway, I can just call and see what's up."
I phoned his cell and got no answer. I left a message saying I would call back or something. I then called the apartment phone and after a few rings my best friend answered. I said hello and that I had called his cell phone...
"Oh, it vibrated."
That's because I had called it. >;|
I could hear his girlfriend's loud and nasal voice in the background and asked, "So, should we meet up now or later or what's up?"
"We have plans today?"
"That's a stupid question," I snapped.
"So that's a no..?"
"No. That's a yes," I said.
I could hear his girlfriend giggling in the background.
"Uh, can I call you in a bit?"
"Sure. Talk to you later."
And then I waited for three hours. THREE HOURS is not 'a bit'. So I called him back at 8:12pm. It rang and rang and I got his voice mail. I said, "Hey, [insert best friend's name here]" and hung up and called again. This time the call was cancelled. I was angry but I didn't want to freak out so I hung up and called again. That call was cancelled too. I left this as a message:
"It seems like you're hanging up on me again. That's unfortunate."
And then came a text message.
"I forgot, i am watching a movie. I can call you afterwards."
I texted him immediately.
"I feel like my heart is in my neck."
No response.
Looked like he was blowing me off. And he was doing it for his promiscuous girlfriend. And they were watching a movie, which costs money. Money he should be saving up to move out. And because he's not saving his money, he's not /trying/ technically anymore, and our mutual friends who have a lease agreement to think about when garnering more roommates could get impatient with him and where would he live then?
And I'm not getting ahead of myself with that train of thought because he lived at my place for a long time after his useless mother decided to pick up the family and move to the middle of nowhere. And he was less than spectacular at paying his part of the rent. I remember well.
I thought I would wait another three hours before calling again. Those hours crawled by like molasses in winter time.
As 11:12 approached, I got the urge to call before the time frame I had set myself, and then, as the clock struck eleven I thought, "do I even /want/ to call him? Should I even bother? I've bent over backwards for him to repair things and he shut me out or put an insultingly pitiful amount of effort into every chance we had to talk."
So I didn't call.
At 11:37pm I got a text message (not a phone call) from my best friend.
"Sorry i was going to call but the movie ended and had to walk [girlfriend's petname here] home. i just plugged in my phone."
I was furious but I appreciated exactly what was going on. So I texted my reply.
"I'm free now. Just reading old emails."
At 11:40pm he messaged again.
"I need to wake up at seven for work tomorrow and I feel dead tired."
I didn't text him back. I checked around on Livejournal and Facebook instead and found that he was online too. Too tired to give me a call but awake enough to post on Livejournal about being inebriated, how "the last few days have been so awesome" and how he "hasn't felt this good in months." I posted a reply to this latest affront.
"And then there is me." I said. Two minutes later I received a message on Facebook.
"I get this feeling your obsessing, and the more you push things towards me the more I want to run away."
Another two minutes and I got another message.
"I have a feeling that everything you want to talk about, was not brought on by me or my actions.
I think you have been thinking too much and too deeply into some things."
I typed up everything I could think of to refute his comments, but then I considered the use of petty bickering. So I messaged him this instead.
"You lied to me."
The following morning brought with it another message in my Facebook inbox.
"FINE I STILL DONT WANT TO TALK. I AM NOT READY TO HAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE WRONG pointed out for me."
I thought about what this meant and sent:
"That's because you're afraid to own up to what you have done.
Call me when you grow up."
I was restless for a while and disappointed about how everything played out, so I texted him about the stuff he had forgotten at my place and the money he owed me. I didn't think it was a rude message but I didn't think it would do any good. I just felt so helpless and frustrated with everything. There was no reply to it in the days that followed.
Just my thoughts.
Fuck him, I thought. FUCK HIM!! FUCK THAT BASTARD-ASSHOLE FOR SELLING ME OUT SO HEINOUSLY!!! FUCK HIM AND HIS LIES AND HIS PLEASANT PLOYS, FAKE CONSOLATIONS TO APPEAR AS IF HE'S TRYING, TO SEEM AS IF HE'S DONE NO WRONG!!! FUCK HIS HYPOCRISY AND BULLSHIT AND IDIOCY AND EVERYTHING!!!!! FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!!
I was left alone in my caricature of a friendship. I was left to deal with the rage that threatened to sweep me towards vengeance, the sorrow that pushed my mind into the darkest corners of my consciousness. Worst of all, the tide rushed back and forth between the two. I was anxious for days as I tried to think of a way out of the hellhole my mind had become. And of course, then came the numbness.
Bitterness.
Cynicism.
And then the itch to write out my qualms struck me. But not to demonise my best friend. I just wanted an honest record of what happened. I wanted to be able to remember what I had felt, said, and done.
And I wanted feedback. It took me more than thirteen hours to type all of this. And I don't expect to be praised or commended or canonized. And I sure as hell don't expect him to say anything about it.
To my once and maybe sometime-in-the-future best friend: I didn't burn a bridge here unless you can't face the facts. I didn't push you away or lie to you. I didn't let you down or fail as a friend. I encompassed the morals and qualities you always knew I had. I don't ignore people, so if you try to contact me, I'll be open to a dialogue. I sincerely hope you will have grown as a person by then.
I think I can move forward now.
~Jack