Twilight Covening 6: All Roads Lead To Home
Recounting my last day at Twilight Covening this year, when the focus was on Earth.
Considering it was a late night, that meant it was a late start. My clan gathered at dinning hall to pack up some snacks. We were planning on having clan meeting during brunch time. I drew my card for the day. King of Swords, inverted. Lack of decisiveness, scattered thoughts. I need to make a choice to move ahead, but I'm either avoiding it intentionally or because of confusion.
That reminds me about something that I'd forgotten from the night before. At the end of the visioning ritual, we were given a tarot card. This is traditional at Twilight. I got Justice - not reversed for once in this weekend's cards. This will be important later, as it is the final card in the five card draw that my clan was building each day.
In clan time, we went through an exercise of forming trees with our bodies and one or more partners. Someone would be the roots, the other the branches or the trunk; sometimes we would mix it up. This experience reinforced how comfortable I was with this pack of clan mates. No matter the configuration, the closeness felt very natural, warm, and inviting. Everyone seemed like they were pouring energy into this work. We managed to form trees without discussing it, and when we were directed to change position, again and again we reformed a new tree easily and comfortably. If nothing else, it was a great bonding exercise for the morning.
Our last clan time and shamanic journey was dedicated to Earth. The question: how do we walk the path of courage to become our most true self, in light of the work this weekend?
The journey started differently. Instead of starting in a forest, I was in a vast grassland. The raven was there as a profiled silhouette on the horizon, with his red eye turned toward me. His eye became the sun. Crows rose up all around me, circling and circling until they became a dark vortex, then a passageway. I went on through. On the other side, I was flying though the mountains, passing over goats and high trails. Sometimes, we were walking on those trails instead and, in those times, raven was a hunched old man dressed in ratty furs, and needing a walking stick to support him. Our walking/flight went on until darkness fell; there was a great structure ahead - a castle, fantastic in nature, looking more like it had grown flower-like, rather than being built. At first, I thought it was on fire, but then I saw that it was just was just covered in brilliant golden and red light. The structure itself was as black as burnt logs. I landed near the fortress and there was a tunnel that lead down and under the structure. The cavern below was part natural, part cut stone. It was a place of horrors, torture, and the dead. I passed lit alcoves, inside of which were web-covered skeletons, rotting bodies, wounded and bleeding people chained to the walls, people being cut and whipped, crying out. The bones, bodies, and victims were all me, one after another. Who was doing the torturing was unclear; there was someone there, but I couldn't look right at them for some reason; my eyes would turn away. The feeling was something like shame, embarrassment, and a bit of looking away from something grotesque. I continued on past the alcoves. Blood and gore was flowing in rivulets down the floor, coming from those alcoves I had passed. Finally, I reached a vortex of filth, decay, and bones swirling in a great pit. I thought at first it was the end of the way, and I could feel it pulling upon me, trying to suck me down into it. However, I noticed a narrow ledge leading off to the right, so I took it. It passed along a black river which was flowing swiftly, deep in some places, just concealing the sharp rocks over which it traveled in other places. The raven flew across and landed on the other shore, and then called back, clearly expecting me to follow. Looking the fast flowing water, and the sharp rocks, I knew that crossing was going to be extremely dangerous, if not deadly. Still, the raven called, impatient. I decided to try. As expected, it was terrible. I was bashed on the rocks; I was nearly drowned. I kept slowly making my way toward the far shore, but it was shredding my body. I was almost to the other side when I just stopped. I couldn't push myself anymore; I had nothing left, I was chilled and exhausted. I sank below the surface. Looking up toward the shore, I could see that there was a golden king standing there; he reached out a hand toward me, but I couldn't even lift my arms. As I watched, the surface of the water suddenly frozen, further trapping me. I sank into darkness and cold until I passed through the blackness and was sinking though a place that looked like the sunset sky; dark and starry above; brilliantly colored reds and oranges out at the horizon. I was falling, but so slowly that it was still like sinking. Emotion drained away and a cold steadiness took its place. The sense of exhaustion left as well. I watched the stars above me, but didn't have any thoughts other than seeing their brilliance. There was a fluttering noise, like something being buffeted by the wind. Lazily, I turned my head from side to side and could see that I had wings, which were uselessly splayed open and being stirred like a cloak by my slow fall and the winds of the high sky. My mind woke to the fact that I had wings. How had I forgotten that? That would have been helpful to remember at the river. I rolled my body so that my wings were in a useful orientation, and then I found the will to fly/swim back up. Up toward the darkness; up toward the icy surface of the river. I just broke the surface of the ice, when we were called back from our journey.
The clan had snacks together and we shared some of the details of our journey. I had a moment of feeling like I'd shared too much when I discussed my experience. I spoke, then everyone was quietly awkward for a moment, and then we moved on to the next person. The mechanisms within me that protect and shelter me started warning "Too much; too scary; too bloody; too crazy; too personal! No one wants to hear about that!" On the other hand, my reason told me that there was no way in a clan of 13 for the clan leader and the group to spend time discussing each of these visions, especially given that we were in the last part of our last day. Still, I found myself feeling embarrassed by my sharing. Eventually, reason won the discussion, but some sensitive part of me was still feeling exposed and rejected.
After this, we figured out what we were going to do for the final gathering circle (where all clans do a very short presentation before the other clans). The body-tree making we'd done had resonated with all of us, so we went with that as our demo. Some of us would form a tree, going through a series of forms; others of us would gather around the tree, playing the rattle, drums, and chanting - this suggested back to our shamanic journeying. As a closing move, we were going toss acorns into the air; there were a billion of them around, and almost everyone had a story of getting hit on the head with one over the course of the weekend, so we suspected the audience would appreciate the humorous close.
We drew the final tarot card for the weekend. I got the Empress, inverted of course. That means: a loss of personal power, due to placing the emotional needs of someone else over your own. You are feeling challenged at having a method to express your true feelings.
With five cards drawn, our clan leader led us through the layout. There were a few options, one of which she preferred so I went with that. Given this, my draws for the weekend, and their position:
The Now: the Air position: The Moon, inverted
The Challenge: Ten of Swords, inverted
The Course of Action: Six of Pentacles, inverted
The Sacrifice: The Empress, inverted
The Outcome of this Journey: Judgement (look at that, not inverted!)
With meanings, this seems to read like this:
Now, I'm blocking myself from imagination and intuition, using logic and reason instead of opening myself to hopes, my feelings, and the messages coming in from the world around me. Memories of my mother may be disturbing or upsetting me.
The Challenge is that, while the worst is over, I am injured. It will not be an easy time, as the healing will hurt and agitate me, but good things will come.
The Course of Action is to embrace the great generosity and caring from others that there is towards me, right before me. Others want to help, and trying to handle this challenge on my own is only going to make it harder. I might not be able to readily see this generosity or accept of it, possibly out of pride or stubbornness.
The Sacrifice is that I need to stop placing the emotional needs of others else over my own. I've felt challenged at expressing my true feelings and needs for various reasons, and have focused a lot on caring for others, rather than maintaining and supporting my own self. If I am going to do this, I have to manage and balance this particular habit.
The Outcome of This Journey will be an awakening where I come to a realize that I need to live my life in a different way. I'll need to be true to myself and my needs. I will be opened to a new possibilities. I will examine my past experiences and integrate them into a whole. This will heal me; the past will rest. I will remember it, will have learned from it, but it will not torment me any longer.
*deep slow breath* Well, yeah. I'd seen than coming, and I know that I've got some stuff to sort out, especially regarding the wounds from my mother. I started the work while there at Twilight, engaging directly more with her memory than I had in years. Honestly, I'm afraid of this. However, the monster is dead. I need to go and look upon its corpse, and see that it is gone forever. I need to talk about my experience with those who love me. I need to open to the caring and support around me, as this stuff hurts and is draining. Further, I have to find a more reasonable balance in my life between my needs and those of others. Too many times, there has been a lot of outgo, but not a lot of income. That has been by the design of my choices. I feel I am only valuable if I am giving, and hoping to receive from others is selfish of me, and draining of their precious resources. It is time to examine this notion and take it apart.
After this, we moved on to packing, clean-up, and heading up for the final circle. As always, my heart was touched by this event. There was so much potency and love in that gathering. When the Two Raven clan finished their part of the presentation, their members moved back out to rejoin the circle, and gave out a few beads as they did so. One of them came straight at me and handed me one of these beads. I looked at the bead. It had the rune for ice on one side. The rune of the other side I don't recall specifically enough to say; the bead is on my altar at home. I'll have to give it a good look, and see what that message was. Unsurprising, I guess, that Two Ravens came directly at me, as it was all ravens all the time this weekend.
I departed company with my clan mates, with warm hugs and promises of seeing each other online later. Omly and I quickly gathered up things and got off to the car. Soon, we were on the road. I shared some of the details of my journey with her, being overwhelmed by emotion several times. Still, it seemed like it was an important part of the work that had been identified. I have continued to do that since. Hopefully, laying all of this out in my blog will also open up the conversations that will help me move this along too.
Twilight Covening 6 - a good use of my time, energy, and money. I'm glad I went, and I look forward to what is to come.
Considering it was a late night, that meant it was a late start. My clan gathered at dinning hall to pack up some snacks. We were planning on having clan meeting during brunch time. I drew my card for the day. King of Swords, inverted. Lack of decisiveness, scattered thoughts. I need to make a choice to move ahead, but I'm either avoiding it intentionally or because of confusion.
That reminds me about something that I'd forgotten from the night before. At the end of the visioning ritual, we were given a tarot card. This is traditional at Twilight. I got Justice - not reversed for once in this weekend's cards. This will be important later, as it is the final card in the five card draw that my clan was building each day.
In clan time, we went through an exercise of forming trees with our bodies and one or more partners. Someone would be the roots, the other the branches or the trunk; sometimes we would mix it up. This experience reinforced how comfortable I was with this pack of clan mates. No matter the configuration, the closeness felt very natural, warm, and inviting. Everyone seemed like they were pouring energy into this work. We managed to form trees without discussing it, and when we were directed to change position, again and again we reformed a new tree easily and comfortably. If nothing else, it was a great bonding exercise for the morning.
Our last clan time and shamanic journey was dedicated to Earth. The question: how do we walk the path of courage to become our most true self, in light of the work this weekend?
The journey started differently. Instead of starting in a forest, I was in a vast grassland. The raven was there as a profiled silhouette on the horizon, with his red eye turned toward me. His eye became the sun. Crows rose up all around me, circling and circling until they became a dark vortex, then a passageway. I went on through. On the other side, I was flying though the mountains, passing over goats and high trails. Sometimes, we were walking on those trails instead and, in those times, raven was a hunched old man dressed in ratty furs, and needing a walking stick to support him. Our walking/flight went on until darkness fell; there was a great structure ahead - a castle, fantastic in nature, looking more like it had grown flower-like, rather than being built. At first, I thought it was on fire, but then I saw that it was just was just covered in brilliant golden and red light. The structure itself was as black as burnt logs. I landed near the fortress and there was a tunnel that lead down and under the structure. The cavern below was part natural, part cut stone. It was a place of horrors, torture, and the dead. I passed lit alcoves, inside of which were web-covered skeletons, rotting bodies, wounded and bleeding people chained to the walls, people being cut and whipped, crying out. The bones, bodies, and victims were all me, one after another. Who was doing the torturing was unclear; there was someone there, but I couldn't look right at them for some reason; my eyes would turn away. The feeling was something like shame, embarrassment, and a bit of looking away from something grotesque. I continued on past the alcoves. Blood and gore was flowing in rivulets down the floor, coming from those alcoves I had passed. Finally, I reached a vortex of filth, decay, and bones swirling in a great pit. I thought at first it was the end of the way, and I could feel it pulling upon me, trying to suck me down into it. However, I noticed a narrow ledge leading off to the right, so I took it. It passed along a black river which was flowing swiftly, deep in some places, just concealing the sharp rocks over which it traveled in other places. The raven flew across and landed on the other shore, and then called back, clearly expecting me to follow. Looking the fast flowing water, and the sharp rocks, I knew that crossing was going to be extremely dangerous, if not deadly. Still, the raven called, impatient. I decided to try. As expected, it was terrible. I was bashed on the rocks; I was nearly drowned. I kept slowly making my way toward the far shore, but it was shredding my body. I was almost to the other side when I just stopped. I couldn't push myself anymore; I had nothing left, I was chilled and exhausted. I sank below the surface. Looking up toward the shore, I could see that there was a golden king standing there; he reached out a hand toward me, but I couldn't even lift my arms. As I watched, the surface of the water suddenly frozen, further trapping me. I sank into darkness and cold until I passed through the blackness and was sinking though a place that looked like the sunset sky; dark and starry above; brilliantly colored reds and oranges out at the horizon. I was falling, but so slowly that it was still like sinking. Emotion drained away and a cold steadiness took its place. The sense of exhaustion left as well. I watched the stars above me, but didn't have any thoughts other than seeing their brilliance. There was a fluttering noise, like something being buffeted by the wind. Lazily, I turned my head from side to side and could see that I had wings, which were uselessly splayed open and being stirred like a cloak by my slow fall and the winds of the high sky. My mind woke to the fact that I had wings. How had I forgotten that? That would have been helpful to remember at the river. I rolled my body so that my wings were in a useful orientation, and then I found the will to fly/swim back up. Up toward the darkness; up toward the icy surface of the river. I just broke the surface of the ice, when we were called back from our journey.
The clan had snacks together and we shared some of the details of our journey. I had a moment of feeling like I'd shared too much when I discussed my experience. I spoke, then everyone was quietly awkward for a moment, and then we moved on to the next person. The mechanisms within me that protect and shelter me started warning "Too much; too scary; too bloody; too crazy; too personal! No one wants to hear about that!" On the other hand, my reason told me that there was no way in a clan of 13 for the clan leader and the group to spend time discussing each of these visions, especially given that we were in the last part of our last day. Still, I found myself feeling embarrassed by my sharing. Eventually, reason won the discussion, but some sensitive part of me was still feeling exposed and rejected.
After this, we figured out what we were going to do for the final gathering circle (where all clans do a very short presentation before the other clans). The body-tree making we'd done had resonated with all of us, so we went with that as our demo. Some of us would form a tree, going through a series of forms; others of us would gather around the tree, playing the rattle, drums, and chanting - this suggested back to our shamanic journeying. As a closing move, we were going toss acorns into the air; there were a billion of them around, and almost everyone had a story of getting hit on the head with one over the course of the weekend, so we suspected the audience would appreciate the humorous close.
We drew the final tarot card for the weekend. I got the Empress, inverted of course. That means: a loss of personal power, due to placing the emotional needs of someone else over your own. You are feeling challenged at having a method to express your true feelings.
With five cards drawn, our clan leader led us through the layout. There were a few options, one of which she preferred so I went with that. Given this, my draws for the weekend, and their position:
The Now: the Air position: The Moon, inverted
The Challenge: Ten of Swords, inverted
The Course of Action: Six of Pentacles, inverted
The Sacrifice: The Empress, inverted
The Outcome of this Journey: Judgement (look at that, not inverted!)
With meanings, this seems to read like this:
Now, I'm blocking myself from imagination and intuition, using logic and reason instead of opening myself to hopes, my feelings, and the messages coming in from the world around me. Memories of my mother may be disturbing or upsetting me.
The Challenge is that, while the worst is over, I am injured. It will not be an easy time, as the healing will hurt and agitate me, but good things will come.
The Course of Action is to embrace the great generosity and caring from others that there is towards me, right before me. Others want to help, and trying to handle this challenge on my own is only going to make it harder. I might not be able to readily see this generosity or accept of it, possibly out of pride or stubbornness.
The Sacrifice is that I need to stop placing the emotional needs of others else over my own. I've felt challenged at expressing my true feelings and needs for various reasons, and have focused a lot on caring for others, rather than maintaining and supporting my own self. If I am going to do this, I have to manage and balance this particular habit.
The Outcome of This Journey will be an awakening where I come to a realize that I need to live my life in a different way. I'll need to be true to myself and my needs. I will be opened to a new possibilities. I will examine my past experiences and integrate them into a whole. This will heal me; the past will rest. I will remember it, will have learned from it, but it will not torment me any longer.
*deep slow breath* Well, yeah. I'd seen than coming, and I know that I've got some stuff to sort out, especially regarding the wounds from my mother. I started the work while there at Twilight, engaging directly more with her memory than I had in years. Honestly, I'm afraid of this. However, the monster is dead. I need to go and look upon its corpse, and see that it is gone forever. I need to talk about my experience with those who love me. I need to open to the caring and support around me, as this stuff hurts and is draining. Further, I have to find a more reasonable balance in my life between my needs and those of others. Too many times, there has been a lot of outgo, but not a lot of income. That has been by the design of my choices. I feel I am only valuable if I am giving, and hoping to receive from others is selfish of me, and draining of their precious resources. It is time to examine this notion and take it apart.
After this, we moved on to packing, clean-up, and heading up for the final circle. As always, my heart was touched by this event. There was so much potency and love in that gathering. When the Two Raven clan finished their part of the presentation, their members moved back out to rejoin the circle, and gave out a few beads as they did so. One of them came straight at me and handed me one of these beads. I looked at the bead. It had the rune for ice on one side. The rune of the other side I don't recall specifically enough to say; the bead is on my altar at home. I'll have to give it a good look, and see what that message was. Unsurprising, I guess, that Two Ravens came directly at me, as it was all ravens all the time this weekend.
I departed company with my clan mates, with warm hugs and promises of seeing each other online later. Omly and I quickly gathered up things and got off to the car. Soon, we were on the road. I shared some of the details of my journey with her, being overwhelmed by emotion several times. Still, it seemed like it was an important part of the work that had been identified. I have continued to do that since. Hopefully, laying all of this out in my blog will also open up the conversations that will help me move this along too.
Twilight Covening 6 - a good use of my time, energy, and money. I'm glad I went, and I look forward to what is to come.