Letter to Braxiatel
[Rhade is sitting with his hands folded in his lap, regarding the flexi's recorder. He looks rather resigned, and he's probably been practicing this speech in his head several times.] First of all, I need to ask if you started this recording while I was still on board the ship. If you have, stop it now.
[And he looks at the camera. Looks at it.
Waits.
Still watching? Let's continue!]
Since you're still listening...
When I came here, one of the first people I encountered was you. It didn't take me much to tell that you were cunning and intelligent. That you were a Jaguar. Even then, while Tyr was here, you were still more one of my kind than anyone else and yet something new and fantastic altogether.
When I returned from my absence, I asked you to do me a favor. Something that I knew eventually might compromise you. I suppose that I had several reasons... beyond the simple one that I cited. [He wipes his lips briefly, glances away, before looking back.] After everything I had been through, after losing person after person and ally and friend, I wanted to know that someone would still risk something for me. In this case, your reputation. Somehow I still find it shocking that you did. Part of me wonders how much pent up anger and frustration you had been wanting to express, and now outlet for it. Or if you were bored of normal games and just needed the challenge.
But I also knew you were alone. I had an excuse to watch you, to constantly read you. You knew me, too, Braxiatel. You knew when you agreed, that my eyes would never leave you. [He clears his throat.] Predators cut with the same pattern and two entirely different cloths. You think you want to be alone. You push people away, isolate yourself, try to constantly organize your mind. But no matter how much you order yourself, if you stack bricks without support they won't form walls of any substance. I would always watch you, and I would always hold you together if I saw you start to fall.
[He leans forward, and folds his hands together.] I'm guessing that if you're watching this at this moment [little eyeroll because he's doing all of this, followed by a sigh] I've left the Barge before you. I don't... want you to feel like I wanted to die. There were times that I went to the railing of the ship and I considered what sort of life might be waiting for me if I leapt over the side. But there were memories and people here I couldn't- I didn't want to forget. My own ideas of a past era, a better era, that I still wanted to hang onto.
You were part of those memories and those ideas. I never wanted to hurt you. You made me enjoy being myself again. You made me feel comfortable in ways that I never thought I would feel again and never felt before. You went out of your way to give life back to someone such as myself. You reminded me that some people do hear what you say, and they do notice those cracks that split through the surface. And I needed that. I doubt I could adequately describe how much I needed to feel that security again when it seemed as though I had nothing.
[He pauses. Like he has to collect his thoughts, where he's wandered off to.] If it is indeed that I'm gone now, and I never had the chance to graduate... the greatest good I had from coming here was knowing you. The sound of your duel pulses when you were within a few feet became a comforting noise for me. The scent of brandy. Nietzscheans hate being alone. And, my lord, you made me feel less alone than I have in years. You made me want to live. You made me want to search for a future. For all that you've done wrong, if you can take this lost soldier and make him even consider searching for a home again, you do still deserve the right to a life yourself.
[He looks as though he's considering saying something else. He starts to open his mouth to. And... doesn't. Instead his just raises his brows (mostly at what he's just done, and reaches forward to turn off the recording.
He's already said enough. Braxiatel can infer the rest.]
[And he looks at the camera. Looks at it.
Waits.
Still watching? Let's continue!]
Since you're still listening...
When I came here, one of the first people I encountered was you. It didn't take me much to tell that you were cunning and intelligent. That you were a Jaguar. Even then, while Tyr was here, you were still more one of my kind than anyone else and yet something new and fantastic altogether.
When I returned from my absence, I asked you to do me a favor. Something that I knew eventually might compromise you. I suppose that I had several reasons... beyond the simple one that I cited. [He wipes his lips briefly, glances away, before looking back.] After everything I had been through, after losing person after person and ally and friend, I wanted to know that someone would still risk something for me. In this case, your reputation. Somehow I still find it shocking that you did. Part of me wonders how much pent up anger and frustration you had been wanting to express, and now outlet for it. Or if you were bored of normal games and just needed the challenge.
But I also knew you were alone. I had an excuse to watch you, to constantly read you. You knew me, too, Braxiatel. You knew when you agreed, that my eyes would never leave you. [He clears his throat.] Predators cut with the same pattern and two entirely different cloths. You think you want to be alone. You push people away, isolate yourself, try to constantly organize your mind. But no matter how much you order yourself, if you stack bricks without support they won't form walls of any substance. I would always watch you, and I would always hold you together if I saw you start to fall.
[He leans forward, and folds his hands together.] I'm guessing that if you're watching this at this moment [little eyeroll because he's doing all of this, followed by a sigh] I've left the Barge before you. I don't... want you to feel like I wanted to die. There were times that I went to the railing of the ship and I considered what sort of life might be waiting for me if I leapt over the side. But there were memories and people here I couldn't- I didn't want to forget. My own ideas of a past era, a better era, that I still wanted to hang onto.
You were part of those memories and those ideas. I never wanted to hurt you. You made me enjoy being myself again. You made me feel comfortable in ways that I never thought I would feel again and never felt before. You went out of your way to give life back to someone such as myself. You reminded me that some people do hear what you say, and they do notice those cracks that split through the surface. And I needed that. I doubt I could adequately describe how much I needed to feel that security again when it seemed as though I had nothing.
[He pauses. Like he has to collect his thoughts, where he's wandered off to.] If it is indeed that I'm gone now, and I never had the chance to graduate... the greatest good I had from coming here was knowing you. The sound of your duel pulses when you were within a few feet became a comforting noise for me. The scent of brandy. Nietzscheans hate being alone. And, my lord, you made me feel less alone than I have in years. You made me want to live. You made me want to search for a future. For all that you've done wrong, if you can take this lost soldier and make him even consider searching for a home again, you do still deserve the right to a life yourself.
[He looks as though he's considering saying something else. He starts to open his mouth to. And... doesn't. Instead his just raises his brows (mostly at what he's just done, and reaches forward to turn off the recording.
He's already said enough. Braxiatel can infer the rest.]