#022 Missing - Pointlessly Reaching
Story: Kamen Rider 555/Faiz
Characters: Yuji Kiba
Prompt: #022 Missing
Word Count: 1638
Yuji laid on his side in his bed, staring intently at the wall. The room was dark, and the stained glass was black, a sharp contrast to how it would light up the room in a few more hours. He wasn't sure why he had insisted on keeping the bed in the same place, even after Yuka and Naoya had moved in. They had their own rooms, but his bed was still in clear sight of the front door, or from any other point in the apartment. The lack of privacy bothered him sometimes, but he was more concerned that his friends had their own rooms -- especially Yuka.
To be honest, Yuji would have been fine sharing his bed with either of them, especially since quite a few people had already slept in his bed at various points. Not with him in it, and not with any ulterior motives, but usually when they were injured or he had first brought them home, to be able to keep an eye on them. Sometimes, he wondered if having someone sleeping next to him would change the way he felt at night. Despite being near a window and being in such an open space, the silence was overwhelming.
Rolling onto his back, he wrapped his arms around his front and made a soft noise as he squeezed his shoulder and the hand at his waist. No matter how happy he tried to convince himself he was, trying to make the best of the situation he was given, it always felt like something was missing. That contact... He was sure that was one of the most important things. Yuji did his best to be there for everyone, pressing them to tell him if anything was bothering them and always being willing to listen even when he wasn't sure he could open up to them in return. He wanted people to trust him. He wanted to make them happy...
And still, he wanted more than that.
Yuji tried his best to be aware of what he wanted out of life, thanks to the second chance he had been given, but there was little in the way of physical possessions. He had his clothes, his necklace (which he was particularly fond of), his car, the laptop he'd been provided with... Essentially everything had been provided for him, with the exception of the necklace. There wasn't anything else that was his. Everything that had once belonged to him, or his family, was gone. All of the photo albums, anything his parents had owned, any possessions he'd bought with the money from the jobs he'd held when he was younger... any signs of the relationship he'd held with Chie.
Just the thought of her made his heart wrench, and he reached over to pull the other pillow over to him, holding it over his face and letting out a frustrated whine into it. As much as he tried to avoid thinking about it, sometimes, especially on the nights when he couldn't sleep, the thoughts would return to haunt him. He could remember everything from the first few nights he had come back to life, in complete and vivid detail. The tight, sinking feeling in his chest returned, and he dug his fingers into the pillow, nearly clawing at it.
Go away. Go away. Stop, stop, stop. Stop thinking about it....
The harder he tried to distract himself with thoughts of something, anything else, the more he failed. The guilt still haunted him, even though... he did his best to forgive himself. Yuji knew he was still human underneath everything else. It... that... had been nothing but a minor slip up. Anyone would have done it. It was a crime of passion, something he couldn't control with how wild his emotions had been. The power had overwhelmed him. There was no way he could have controlled it. He didn't have a choice. Thoughts kept racing through his head, trying to justify his actions.
There had been many nights like this, since he had revived. Yuji was sure there was no way to stop it. Though... no. Maybe there was one way, but it wasn't likely it would work. There were still too many complications with the idea of falling in love with someone new. He didn't trust his self control, and wasn't sure there was anyone he could ever place that much trust in again. On top of that, he was fighting down the urge to tell himself that he didn't deserve love, after everything he had done. His own sins didn't come close to rivaling other Orphenochs, but it was still a sin.
Maybe he wanted someone to forgive him. Yuji hadn't told anyone, even Naoya or Yuka, or... Morishita-san. Before Chie's brother had died, he hadn't even been able to confess. That part stayed with him as well. Morishita-san had... It was his fault that he had fallen that far, wasn't it? That he hadn't admitted and accepted that he had killed Chie. So, more people had died. Needlessly died. Because of him.
In his frustration, Yuji would have screamed into the pillow if he wasn't afraid of it waking his roommates and bringing up a lot of concern that they didn't need. There were already too many problems to worry about, too many complications... Many of them focused on love. And while Yuji did his best to be supportive of whatever they tried to do, even accompanying Yuka out on her visits to convince Mari to date Naoya, and attempting to comfort Yuka during her emotional moments, it hurt him more than he wanted to admit.
He had been in love, once. Once. Though he had admired other girls through school, and had dated a few of them in passing, none of them came close to rivaling the feelings he'd held for Chie. Their relationship had only lasted a year, but it was long enough. His family loved her, he loved her, and then...
Why was it so easy for everyone else? Yuka was attracted to a number of boys, Naoya was constantly pursuing Mari, even if he failed miserably. And he was well aware, hearing it from both Yuka and Naoya, and even discovering himself, that Mari had a number of potential suitors, and that Keitaro was also interested in Yuka. It was a harsh and complicated scenario, where Yuji was sure he didn't fit in at all. Well, for the most part. He could remember when Mari had spoken to him, asking if there was someone he liked.
Yuji had reluctantly admitted to it. Yes, there was someone he liked. Maybe. He couldn't be entirely sure. There were so many complications from Chie, and so long without human contact that he felt awkward and inexperienced with any form of communication or trying to understand a large part of his emotions. His body would want to do one thing, his heart would want to do something else, and his mind would try to nudge him into taking a third path. In the beginning, both Yuka and Naoya had sparked feelings in him that he questioned. Did he love them? Could he fall for one of them? Even now, he was sure he could, but nothing really compared to the feelings he had in someone else's presence.
Despite the complications, despite the misunderstandings, despite the fighting and confusion the feelings themselves evoked from him, he liked someone. Takumi Inui. Faiz. He liked Takumi.
While thoughts of Chie made his heart tense painfully, even the faintest thought of Takumi made his stomach twist. It wasn't so wrong, was it? Especially if no one else knew. No one had to know that someone, that this person was someone... he was sure he was capable of loving. This was someone who needed it as badly as he did, wasn't it? He wasn't sure, but sometimes he could feel it, just when they were in each others' presence. When the hatred wasn't there, brought on by all of the complications surrounding them (and even sometimes during these situations), Yuji couldn't imagine anyone else causing him to feel this way. If he could remember, he would have compared the feeling to how Chie had made him feel, but even this was entirely different.
It almost seemed like fate, at least for them to continue to see each other. They had been thrown together initially, then again and again through a series of questionable coincidences. It seemed to work too well sometimes, when they crossed paths. Turning onto his side again, Yuji faced towards the front door, removing the pillow from his face and hugging it tightly against his chest. For a few moments he hesitated, before lowering his head and burying his face in it.
Takumi had to feel the same way, didn't he? That they were both caught on the outside, looking in. Maybe Takumi loved his friends the same way Yuji loved his (Yuji was sure of this), but he felt like there was something missing. Something more, just out of reach, that they could have if they tried. If things could just work out a little better. They deserved more. They deserved to be happy.
Closing his eyes, Yuji lightly scratched at the back of the pillow as he tried to force himself to sleep. Maybe, if he thought about Takumi long enough, he wouldn't have nightmares about the lives that had been ruined by his existence.
He wondered if Takumi ever thought the same.
Characters: Yuji Kiba
Prompt: #022 Missing
Word Count: 1638
Yuji laid on his side in his bed, staring intently at the wall. The room was dark, and the stained glass was black, a sharp contrast to how it would light up the room in a few more hours. He wasn't sure why he had insisted on keeping the bed in the same place, even after Yuka and Naoya had moved in. They had their own rooms, but his bed was still in clear sight of the front door, or from any other point in the apartment. The lack of privacy bothered him sometimes, but he was more concerned that his friends had their own rooms -- especially Yuka.
To be honest, Yuji would have been fine sharing his bed with either of them, especially since quite a few people had already slept in his bed at various points. Not with him in it, and not with any ulterior motives, but usually when they were injured or he had first brought them home, to be able to keep an eye on them. Sometimes, he wondered if having someone sleeping next to him would change the way he felt at night. Despite being near a window and being in such an open space, the silence was overwhelming.
Rolling onto his back, he wrapped his arms around his front and made a soft noise as he squeezed his shoulder and the hand at his waist. No matter how happy he tried to convince himself he was, trying to make the best of the situation he was given, it always felt like something was missing. That contact... He was sure that was one of the most important things. Yuji did his best to be there for everyone, pressing them to tell him if anything was bothering them and always being willing to listen even when he wasn't sure he could open up to them in return. He wanted people to trust him. He wanted to make them happy...
And still, he wanted more than that.
Yuji tried his best to be aware of what he wanted out of life, thanks to the second chance he had been given, but there was little in the way of physical possessions. He had his clothes, his necklace (which he was particularly fond of), his car, the laptop he'd been provided with... Essentially everything had been provided for him, with the exception of the necklace. There wasn't anything else that was his. Everything that had once belonged to him, or his family, was gone. All of the photo albums, anything his parents had owned, any possessions he'd bought with the money from the jobs he'd held when he was younger... any signs of the relationship he'd held with Chie.
Just the thought of her made his heart wrench, and he reached over to pull the other pillow over to him, holding it over his face and letting out a frustrated whine into it. As much as he tried to avoid thinking about it, sometimes, especially on the nights when he couldn't sleep, the thoughts would return to haunt him. He could remember everything from the first few nights he had come back to life, in complete and vivid detail. The tight, sinking feeling in his chest returned, and he dug his fingers into the pillow, nearly clawing at it.
Go away. Go away. Stop, stop, stop. Stop thinking about it....
The harder he tried to distract himself with thoughts of something, anything else, the more he failed. The guilt still haunted him, even though... he did his best to forgive himself. Yuji knew he was still human underneath everything else. It... that... had been nothing but a minor slip up. Anyone would have done it. It was a crime of passion, something he couldn't control with how wild his emotions had been. The power had overwhelmed him. There was no way he could have controlled it. He didn't have a choice. Thoughts kept racing through his head, trying to justify his actions.
There had been many nights like this, since he had revived. Yuji was sure there was no way to stop it. Though... no. Maybe there was one way, but it wasn't likely it would work. There were still too many complications with the idea of falling in love with someone new. He didn't trust his self control, and wasn't sure there was anyone he could ever place that much trust in again. On top of that, he was fighting down the urge to tell himself that he didn't deserve love, after everything he had done. His own sins didn't come close to rivaling other Orphenochs, but it was still a sin.
Maybe he wanted someone to forgive him. Yuji hadn't told anyone, even Naoya or Yuka, or... Morishita-san. Before Chie's brother had died, he hadn't even been able to confess. That part stayed with him as well. Morishita-san had... It was his fault that he had fallen that far, wasn't it? That he hadn't admitted and accepted that he had killed Chie. So, more people had died. Needlessly died. Because of him.
In his frustration, Yuji would have screamed into the pillow if he wasn't afraid of it waking his roommates and bringing up a lot of concern that they didn't need. There were already too many problems to worry about, too many complications... Many of them focused on love. And while Yuji did his best to be supportive of whatever they tried to do, even accompanying Yuka out on her visits to convince Mari to date Naoya, and attempting to comfort Yuka during her emotional moments, it hurt him more than he wanted to admit.
He had been in love, once. Once. Though he had admired other girls through school, and had dated a few of them in passing, none of them came close to rivaling the feelings he'd held for Chie. Their relationship had only lasted a year, but it was long enough. His family loved her, he loved her, and then...
Why was it so easy for everyone else? Yuka was attracted to a number of boys, Naoya was constantly pursuing Mari, even if he failed miserably. And he was well aware, hearing it from both Yuka and Naoya, and even discovering himself, that Mari had a number of potential suitors, and that Keitaro was also interested in Yuka. It was a harsh and complicated scenario, where Yuji was sure he didn't fit in at all. Well, for the most part. He could remember when Mari had spoken to him, asking if there was someone he liked.
Yuji had reluctantly admitted to it. Yes, there was someone he liked. Maybe. He couldn't be entirely sure. There were so many complications from Chie, and so long without human contact that he felt awkward and inexperienced with any form of communication or trying to understand a large part of his emotions. His body would want to do one thing, his heart would want to do something else, and his mind would try to nudge him into taking a third path. In the beginning, both Yuka and Naoya had sparked feelings in him that he questioned. Did he love them? Could he fall for one of them? Even now, he was sure he could, but nothing really compared to the feelings he had in someone else's presence.
Despite the complications, despite the misunderstandings, despite the fighting and confusion the feelings themselves evoked from him, he liked someone. Takumi Inui. Faiz. He liked Takumi.
While thoughts of Chie made his heart tense painfully, even the faintest thought of Takumi made his stomach twist. It wasn't so wrong, was it? Especially if no one else knew. No one had to know that someone, that this person was someone... he was sure he was capable of loving. This was someone who needed it as badly as he did, wasn't it? He wasn't sure, but sometimes he could feel it, just when they were in each others' presence. When the hatred wasn't there, brought on by all of the complications surrounding them (and even sometimes during these situations), Yuji couldn't imagine anyone else causing him to feel this way. If he could remember, he would have compared the feeling to how Chie had made him feel, but even this was entirely different.
It almost seemed like fate, at least for them to continue to see each other. They had been thrown together initially, then again and again through a series of questionable coincidences. It seemed to work too well sometimes, when they crossed paths. Turning onto his side again, Yuji faced towards the front door, removing the pillow from his face and hugging it tightly against his chest. For a few moments he hesitated, before lowering his head and burying his face in it.
Takumi had to feel the same way, didn't he? That they were both caught on the outside, looking in. Maybe Takumi loved his friends the same way Yuji loved his (Yuji was sure of this), but he felt like there was something missing. Something more, just out of reach, that they could have if they tried. If things could just work out a little better. They deserved more. They deserved to be happy.
Closing his eyes, Yuji lightly scratched at the back of the pillow as he tried to force himself to sleep. Maybe, if he thought about Takumi long enough, he wouldn't have nightmares about the lives that had been ruined by his existence.
He wondered if Takumi ever thought the same.