so what really happened yesterday
yesterday was supposed to be my case presentation, i knew that already because bitson and i were the last two people left to present and i know she's such a lazy fucking bitch that i went ahead and volunteered to go.
now there was this ammachi (old lady/ahjumma/whatev) lying in the female ward that i already saw on wednesday. she had come in at 2am after her daughters-in-law heard her making retching noises and ran into her room to see that she was unconscious and voided her bladder and had vomited off the side of the bed.
the exact history i wrote:
the patient was apparently normal until 2:00am wednesday when her relatives heard a retching noise from her bedroom. upon reaching the patient, they noticed that she had vomited off the side of the bed. vomitus was small in amount and contained only food partices and mucus. they also noticed that she had passed urine on the bed. on attempting to rouse her, they found that she was unconscious and took her to a local hospital. there, after regaining consciousness, she was discovered to have weakness over her right side and deviation of her face to the left side. she was unable to walk or move her right upper/lower limb and also had difficulty speaking and swallowing.
no history of any fever, seizures, or trauma.
while i was examining her on wednesday the bystanders told me that she kept on choking whenever she tried to drink something and that she couldn't swallow pills or anything. the nurse came by and ground up her morning medication and mixed it in some water and told the bystanders to try spoonfeeding it to her.
so they did.
(i'm watching all this, remember)
and she immediately starts choking and vomiting and spitting everywhere to the point where anusha and i have to hold her up because she can't even lie down anymore.
then anusha and i start panicking and are like 'omfg did she aspirate did she aspirate' and ofc anusha has to have a shit stethoscope because she's a dumbfuck like that and so i listen to the ammachi's chest and yep, her whole right lung is completely wet creps. i can't even hear a decent air entry al;kgj;alksdfj;laksdfgasd and i tell sir this when he comes on rounds so he orders an NG tube for her. so i thought that was all over.
then thursday come around, i go to see how she's doing, the bystanders are all nervous cos apparently she pulled the NG tube out sometime in the night and the nurses yelled at the bystanders, poor things.
sir comes by for rounds with the DNB residents and is like "NOBODY GIVE THIS WOMAN A SINGLE DROP OF ANY FLUID OR SHE WILL CHOKE DDDDD<" and we're all like '...k sir ^^;' and anusha and i are just like "omfg we know already =____="
so then it's time for my case presentation. i didn't want sunitha to come on purpose so we all went and begged kesavan sir to come and he said he would so i was all excite and then anu comes and is like 'fml sunitha ma'am's calling us ~___~' so we all bitch our way downstairs because this woman likes BEDSIDE presentations.
so i get there and she gets there and i start presenting my case and she's catching me on EVERY SINGLE little thing because she's an anal bitch like that. everyone's standing there watching me squirm but they can't say anything cos that's what it's like over here and finally, FINALLY she stops nitpicking the history and goes on to the examination part.
more specifically, the IX and X cranial nerve examinations.
fuck my fucking life.
i just turn on my flashlight and start examining her palate and then ma'am's just all of a sudden 'NO THAT IS NOT HOW YOU CHECK IT. GET SOME WATER AND SEE IF SHE CAN DRINK IT."
WAT.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY.
i just kind of hesitate and the bystanders go O___________O 'she choked on water yesterday' and i join in and tell ma'am 'ma'am, she aspriated yesterday, i was here when it happened' and she's just all 'IDGAF GIVE HER SOME WATER.'
LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE SHIT, MAN.
bystanders pour a little water and i lift that poor woman's head up and give her like maybe 5 ml of water and BAM. she starts choking.
uncontrollably.
bystanders are like 'WAT DA FUCK DID YOU JUST DO TO HER OMG YOU WERE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY' and i can't say anything. partially because i can't believe i just did that and partially because ma'am just keeps on talking and making me examine this and that and i don't even remember what i did next, i just wanted class to be over because she was still choking and i knew that it was my fault and i just wanted to get the hell out of there.
everyone in the unit was telling the rest of my batchmates like right in front of me, but i managed to keep it together until i came to the hostel and then i called tina and just started bawling.
which continued all afternoon while talking to my parents.
finally i couldn't take it anymore and i just got a few ultracet from the junior down the hall and just passed out for 17 hours.
literally.
idk. i know i'm not legally liable or anything if anything happens to that ammachi, but i still feel responsible. i know i was under orders to do it from a superior, but still. i could have said no because i KNEW it was wrong and i still went ahead and did it anyway.
if anything happens to her, it might not be my fault legally, but my hands are still the ones that poured that water down her throat.
i'm still the one that did it in the end.
everyone's been like 'well, at least you know how it feels now rather than later when you're actually practicing? ^^;'
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP, OKAY? YOU'RE ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING /KNOW/ HOW IT FEELS TO ACTUALLY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE'S LIFE LIKE THAT.
i just don't....i don't know.
i'll always feel like it was my fault.