Reborn! fic - Nerdy Club for Nerds
Title: Nerdy Club for Nerds
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Characters: Gokudera, Shouichi, Spanner, and a ~MYSTERY GUEST~ Byakuran
Notes/Warnings: I think this was inspired by an offhand remark daigranon made like half a year ago about wanting to see more fic with all of the "genius" characters of KHR interacting. I then proceeded to write this, to prove that in KHR the word "genius" is a very relative term.
...THIS IS A CRACK FIC. Just to be clear on that!
Summary: The geniuses of KHR form a club to get their nerd on.
“This is fucking lame,” derided Gokudera, arms crossed in the most annoyed, dismissive I-am-so-above-this-bullshit pose he could muster. “I can’t believe you ever talked me into this.”
“Don’t say that, Gokudera-kun,” pouted Shouichi. “It’s not that bad.”
“The hell it isn’t! What kind of club has only three members, anyway?”
“The awesome kind,” said Spanner around a mouthful of lollipop. He gave a thumbs up, without looking away from his computer screen for a second.
“The stupid kind. And anyway, I have more important things to do than be a part of your nerdy club for nerds.”
“Suit yourself,” said Shouichi, and then, manipulatively, “By the way, did you get the new issue of Skeptical Inquirer?”
“Yeah,” replied Gokudera, magically transforming from the pot into the kettle in one eager swoop, “did you see that article about the Brazil footage? I can’t believe that shit turned out to be a hoax! They’re just making it harder for the real investigators to gain credibility!”
“True, but I thought the technology they used was pretty interesting.”
“Well, yeah...”
“The new issue of Nuts and Volts is out too,” said Spanner, but no one cared.
“By the way, guys,” said Shouichi out of the blue, “I actually brought a new member this month!”
“-Wait, what?” said Gokudera, caught off guard due to his having been about to insinuate that Spanner should just marry a robot already.
“That’s right, a new member! So if you two could just give him a nice warm welcome, I’d like to introduce... Byakuran!”
“Hello~” said Byakuran, musical note floating past his head as he stepped through the door and waved genially.
Gokudera and Spanner both stared, first at Byakuran and then at the increasingly guilt-faced Shouichi.
“Irie...” said Gokudera, backing away from the door, “do you mind if we chat for a sec?”
---
“Have you lost your fucking mind?!”
“He promised me a cure for cancer!” said Shouichi, blushing furiously.
“He what?” said Gokudera, looking both impressed and also as though his entire worldview had been shattered.
“Wait,” said Spanner suddenly, “that’s the guy we were all fighting that one time, right?”
Gokudera and Shouichi turned to stare at him.
“...Isn’t it?” Spanner asked.
“Do you live in a giant cave on the rock of oblivion or something?” said Gokudera incredulously.
“For your information,” Spanner huffed, “I was building a giant robot.”
“Why don’t you just go marry-”
“Guys,” broke in Shouichi impatiently. “Seriously! Cure for cancer!”
“Why the fuck do you keep looking at me every time you say that?” Gokudera glared.
“No reason...”
Gokudera eyed Shouichi eyeing his pack of cigarettes, and frowned.
“Look, guys,” Shouichi said at last,” this is important to me, okay? Can’t we just... take one for the team, this one time?”
“What team? The cancer team?”
“Please?”
Gokudera fixed Shouichi with his sternest, bossiest, most severe-looking right hand man glare. “No. Fucking. Way.”
---
“I’m so happy you guys are letting me join the club!” glowed Byakuran in his happiest, sing-songiest voice.
“Well, we took a vote, and it was two to one,” said Shouichi, good-naturedly avoiding the seething hate aura emanating from every fiber of Gokudera’s being.
“I promise you won’t regret it! In fact, I brought something for you guys!” Without further prompting, he turned and reached into a large crate that he’d apparently spirited into the room when they weren’t looking. “Shou-chan told me that you hadn’t come up with costumes yet, sooo...”
And, very much ignoring the growing atmosphere of confusion and also horror in the room, he began to pull out an assortment of corsets, stockings, and various other bits of lingerie.
“...” said everyone, even people who weren't actually in the room. Yes, even people in entirely different locations and situations just broke off from whatever they were doing and started dotting. It was just that fucking bizarre.
“Now, I had to guess at some of the sizes,” prattled on Byakuran obliviously. “Goku-chan, you’re about one-hundred and sixty-eight centimeters tall, yes?”
“One seventy-two,” Gokudera corrected automatically.
“...” said everyone for the second time in two minutes.
“What?” Gokudera demanded.
“...Nothing,” said Shouichi at last. Spanner silently put a hand flat above his head, then moved it over Gokudera’s. He glanced back over at Byakuran and shook his head. Part of Gokudera’s dignity died a little.
“Anyway,” Byakuran continued, “Like I said, some of the sizes are approximate, so if there are any problems, just let me know, and...”
He trailed off, perhaps finally noticing the way the other three were staring at him as though his torso had suddenly erupted into a black hole or something else equally horrifying and ridiculous.
“Byakuran-san... you are just kidding around with all of this, right?” asked Shouichi in hesitant pleading tones.
“What could they possibly be for?” Spanner mused.
“Oh, I think you know what they’re for,” Byakuran all but saucily winked at them.
"The fuck,” said Gokudera, sounding as though something fundamental was about to break inside him. “No, we do not.”
Byakuran frowned, then looked over at Shouichi, who swallowed and suddenly took to staring at the empty corner as though it were the most amazing corner he’d ever seen and holy shit, would you look, would you just look at this amazing goddamn fucking corner.
Byakuran looked a bit awkward. “Shou-chan... I thought you said we were doing Lady Marmalade this week?”
There was a silence.
“Irie,” said Gokudera in a tone implying that Shouichi would do well to make sure he got his final affairs in order in the next few moments, “we need to chat again.”
---
“All right,” said Shouichi in slightly ashamed resignation. “I may or may not have told him this was a glee club.”
“You... what?” said Gokudera, or at least the words came out of Gokudera’s mouth, but seeing as they sounded slightly demonic, we can’t be 100 percent sure.
“Cure for cancer, all right??”
Here followed an extremely long and dull (...well, no, I’m not gonna lie, it was actually pretty entertaining; we just don’t have the time to go into it) conversation that ultimately ended in Shou getting his way once again on the one condition that, should any of this ever grace the servers of YouTube, none of the others would ever again see the light of another morn.
---
The following day, Yamamoto greeted Gokudera, slung an arm across his shoulders, and said, “Haha, Gokudera, I didn’t know you spoke French!”
Shouichi’s funeral was held on Monday.
To be fair, he didn’t just kill him because of the YouTube thing; he was also pissed off because he didn't get to be Christina. He wanted to-they ALL wanted to-but let’s face it, Byakuran was born for that role.