Old and bent, I won't care, I'll have spent one day out there
It's 3am, so instead of doing anything constructive or READING THE NEW SHADOW UNIT EPISODE, I did a meme.
Make a list of things not many people know about you, and you would either like them to know, or they need to know.
Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me
1. I cry nearly every night. Half the time I'm not sure why.
2. Bad moods affect me. It doesn't matter if it's directed at me or not. If you are in a bad mood, and I talk to you, it affects me and I either get in a bad mood as well, or extremely defensive.
3. I am constantly torn between sittling idly at my computer and waiting to talk to people and throwing it away and never looking at it again.
4. I want to be the rebellious, wild teenager I never was. That means sneaking out, sex, softcore drugs and alcohol.
5. I honestly think that I will end up being so strict on my kids they'll end up hating me.
6. My lack of ability to write, draw, or make anything worth while frustrates the hell out of me.
7. I can turn myself off and be a complete bitch if I'm not worried about our relationship as people anymore.
8. I can push your buttons. I always decide not to. I have done it with my mother, on accident, on many occasions and I hate myself for it.
9. Around fifth grade, I swore off crying. It lasted a year until I saw Titanic, after which I was very much angry at myself for crying. In retrospect I'm proud of mysel for lasting that long.
10. I have lost so many best friends simply by their loss of interest and drifting into a different group.
11. I am much more insecure and approval-seeking than I ever was as a child and early teens.
12. The fact that my job genuinely needs me there is probably my biggest source of pride.
13. I am one of the three shortest people on both sides of my family, the other two being my mom and my dad's sister (we're all about the same). When I was younger I wanted to grow to be 5'8".
14. I flee at the first sign of a romantic relationship. If I don't, I'm too scared to do anything about it anyway. I do think this is part of the reason I RP.
15. The fact that I know I won't have the time to read all the books I want to is more upsetting than it should be, especially since part of the reason is that I am such a slow reader.
16. I have four, wrapped, extremely late Christmas presents sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed out tomorrow. I've had them since before Christmas, just sitting there. I pride myself in always finding a good present for someone, something I know they'll like, but I can't help feeling like these aren't good enough.
17. I think too much about what used to be, and long for it.
18. I think the near-two years I had braces was a complete waste of time. The goal was to upright one tooth to drill a cavity, and that took all of two months to fix. Now, because I kept them in so much longer, my bite is different, I can't close and lock my molars properly, and three of my front teeth, which were never the least bit crooked, are shifting noticably. My bottom gums are also greatly receeded, but that's not entirely the braces' fault.
19. Sometimes I selfishly wish that I had stayed an only child, even though I love my brother.
20. There is not a question in my mind that I will have kids when I'm older. If I'm ever financially stable enough, I want to foster.
21. I wish I was in much better shape than I am, but I never make the effort to do something about it. My job has only made me marginally stronger with a bit more endurance.
22. I want to learn to be a bartender as soon as I get old enough. As long as alcohol is legal I know it's one skill that will never be obsolete.
23. I've been staring at my bottom drawer all day, knowing that that's my first step to clearing out my room. But I have so much to do tomorrow, and so much to get done before I go away to Disney, that I don't want to start.
24. I just need a stretch of maybe ten consecutive days without any obligations so I can get all that I want done. In a couple weeks I might even have been able to have that, once graduation is done, but I work. Even those two days a week are enough to throw me off, though they shouldn't be.
25. The last few times I have really talked about my feelings with my mother, I think it really skewed the picture of the wise, level-headded, non-judgmental person she had of me.
26. I never, ever genuinely felt the need for the emotional support of another person until I was about halfway to seventeen years old. I still don't really know how to talk about my problems to another person.
27. I can't forgive myself for how much I genuinely dislike two of my younger cousins. The rest of them I just have little patience for, and that is mostly because I don't normally get along with younger people, especially in the 7-to-12 range. I have always felt that blood is important, and you put up with and love your family no matter what. It also greatly saddens me that my grandfather's brother's family basically formed a schism between the two sides after he died. But, those two younger cousins are generally mean-spirited, and just not good people, and I think it's partly the way they're being raised. My grandfather's brother's wife was a man-hating bitch, and my first memory of her was of her yelling at me, for whatever reason. As a result, she raised their three daughters to be exactly the same way. The Italians write people out of their lives very quickly, and they have alienated the entire side of my grandfather's family just because of an issue they had with him. Despite my general distaste, I sometimes miss them, and wish I could contact them again, but I know I have been written off like the others, for something I wasn't even a part of. I have been fairly close to these people my entire life, and this saddens me.
28. I find it maddening that I can sightread classical music like I already knew it, but I can't even pluck out showtunes or pop music, which is what I really want to play.
29. I know I have far too much stuff that I don't need and never use or look at, but I can't bring myself to throw it out. When I finally get to my room this summer, I'm going to be hard on myself, and give away the things I can't throw out, if they're usable, and box them up if I can't bear to give them away. I just need to be out of this clutter.
30. I realize my parent's desire to go away and/or just be without their children for a little while, that sometimes you just need to spend some time with your partner, but that doesn't change the fact that I always feel completely insulted and left out every time they do. I heard they were planning a cruise this summer, and got excited, and then my mother told me yesterday that her and dad were going to go on a cruise by themselves. I proceeded to get quiet and a little disapprove-y. She asked me if I was jealous. Well...yes. It's a fucking cruise, I wanna go. But that ain't the half of it.
31. Though I am very easily insulted and hurt, especially these days, I'm never really mad at the person. If I am I forgive them immediately without even thinking about it. However, it still doesn't change the fact that I've been hurt.
32. My mom sent me to therapy once when I was in fourth grade because I stopped smiling. I remember she had straight brown hair, was a nice but not particularly interesting person, and she sat on a stiff leather couch, while I sat on the other side. We played Uno at one point, and we sat at a coffee table on the floor. I was much more focused on the game than talking about myself. I don't remember anything I said, or anything she said, but I remember thinking "Oh. There's a kid teasing me. That's what's wrong with me." I'm fairly sure it was because that's what she thought and I could see it in the way she directed her questions. Till this day I think it was wrong, that it had very little to do with a boy that occasionally upset me, and probably only teased me because I was his best friend's "girlfriend." I think most likely it was a horrible teacher putting on stress, and hormones.
33. Defeatest attitudes annoy the shit out of me, which is hypocritical because I can get like that sometimes too.
34. Sometimes I feel like some people resent me because I've had a stable home with stable parents with stable income. It's like...not resent, but I know at least two of my friends seem consciously to make me feel inferior because I don't have a dysfunctional family, or because I'm not poor or haven't moved around a lot, I wasn't forced to do all the housework, or, because of other disadvantages I haven't had, my family isn't the only thing I have. It is hurtful. Do not make me out to be spoiled because I've had a good life. Don't you dare make me feel inferior because I wasn't made to do the house's laundry at age six. For God's sake, don't flaunt your disadvantages in my face. I am allowed to be angry at my parents. I'm allowed not to want to be around my brother. I have other friends that are much more dysfunctional, and they don't wave it in my face like a fucking pity/pride flag. I have friends with the death of one or more immediate family member to deal with, and other shit going on besides. And while they may talk to me about it, and sometimes rant about it, they never make me feel bad for having what I do. And although I may still feel awkward about talking about, say, my dad, with them, that's because of me, and not because I feel like they'll resent me for it.
35. I'm terrible remembering any sort of anniversary--half the time I don't know it's important while it's happening, so I don't think to remember. Even death anniversaries.
36. I'm perfectly alright with my body and most of its imperfections
37. I think one of the main reasons I'm excited about college is because I'll get the chance to meet new people. If I could find amazing friends even close to the way Laura found Sophie and Sarah Jane (yes, I am so so jealous of you), I think I'll feel pretty damn accomplished. Someone that lives walking distance away and wants my ass of the computer so we can do something? Sign me the fuck up.
38. I can't believe I have this much to tell people.
39. I considered not posting this because of some of the rants in here, afraid I might offend someone, somewhere, but honestly, I don't care. This has nothing to do with anything, and I want it to be known.
Make a list of things not many people know about you, and you would either like them to know, or they need to know.
Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me
1. I cry nearly every night. Half the time I'm not sure why.
2. Bad moods affect me. It doesn't matter if it's directed at me or not. If you are in a bad mood, and I talk to you, it affects me and I either get in a bad mood as well, or extremely defensive.
3. I am constantly torn between sittling idly at my computer and waiting to talk to people and throwing it away and never looking at it again.
4. I want to be the rebellious, wild teenager I never was. That means sneaking out, sex, softcore drugs and alcohol.
5. I honestly think that I will end up being so strict on my kids they'll end up hating me.
6. My lack of ability to write, draw, or make anything worth while frustrates the hell out of me.
7. I can turn myself off and be a complete bitch if I'm not worried about our relationship as people anymore.
8. I can push your buttons. I always decide not to. I have done it with my mother, on accident, on many occasions and I hate myself for it.
9. Around fifth grade, I swore off crying. It lasted a year until I saw Titanic, after which I was very much angry at myself for crying. In retrospect I'm proud of mysel for lasting that long.
10. I have lost so many best friends simply by their loss of interest and drifting into a different group.
11. I am much more insecure and approval-seeking than I ever was as a child and early teens.
12. The fact that my job genuinely needs me there is probably my biggest source of pride.
13. I am one of the three shortest people on both sides of my family, the other two being my mom and my dad's sister (we're all about the same). When I was younger I wanted to grow to be 5'8".
14. I flee at the first sign of a romantic relationship. If I don't, I'm too scared to do anything about it anyway. I do think this is part of the reason I RP.
15. The fact that I know I won't have the time to read all the books I want to is more upsetting than it should be, especially since part of the reason is that I am such a slow reader.
16. I have four, wrapped, extremely late Christmas presents sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed out tomorrow. I've had them since before Christmas, just sitting there. I pride myself in always finding a good present for someone, something I know they'll like, but I can't help feeling like these aren't good enough.
17. I think too much about what used to be, and long for it.
18. I think the near-two years I had braces was a complete waste of time. The goal was to upright one tooth to drill a cavity, and that took all of two months to fix. Now, because I kept them in so much longer, my bite is different, I can't close and lock my molars properly, and three of my front teeth, which were never the least bit crooked, are shifting noticably. My bottom gums are also greatly receeded, but that's not entirely the braces' fault.
19. Sometimes I selfishly wish that I had stayed an only child, even though I love my brother.
20. There is not a question in my mind that I will have kids when I'm older. If I'm ever financially stable enough, I want to foster.
21. I wish I was in much better shape than I am, but I never make the effort to do something about it. My job has only made me marginally stronger with a bit more endurance.
22. I want to learn to be a bartender as soon as I get old enough. As long as alcohol is legal I know it's one skill that will never be obsolete.
23. I've been staring at my bottom drawer all day, knowing that that's my first step to clearing out my room. But I have so much to do tomorrow, and so much to get done before I go away to Disney, that I don't want to start.
24. I just need a stretch of maybe ten consecutive days without any obligations so I can get all that I want done. In a couple weeks I might even have been able to have that, once graduation is done, but I work. Even those two days a week are enough to throw me off, though they shouldn't be.
25. The last few times I have really talked about my feelings with my mother, I think it really skewed the picture of the wise, level-headded, non-judgmental person she had of me.
26. I never, ever genuinely felt the need for the emotional support of another person until I was about halfway to seventeen years old. I still don't really know how to talk about my problems to another person.
27. I can't forgive myself for how much I genuinely dislike two of my younger cousins. The rest of them I just have little patience for, and that is mostly because I don't normally get along with younger people, especially in the 7-to-12 range. I have always felt that blood is important, and you put up with and love your family no matter what. It also greatly saddens me that my grandfather's brother's family basically formed a schism between the two sides after he died. But, those two younger cousins are generally mean-spirited, and just not good people, and I think it's partly the way they're being raised. My grandfather's brother's wife was a man-hating bitch, and my first memory of her was of her yelling at me, for whatever reason. As a result, she raised their three daughters to be exactly the same way. The Italians write people out of their lives very quickly, and they have alienated the entire side of my grandfather's family just because of an issue they had with him. Despite my general distaste, I sometimes miss them, and wish I could contact them again, but I know I have been written off like the others, for something I wasn't even a part of. I have been fairly close to these people my entire life, and this saddens me.
28. I find it maddening that I can sightread classical music like I already knew it, but I can't even pluck out showtunes or pop music, which is what I really want to play.
29. I know I have far too much stuff that I don't need and never use or look at, but I can't bring myself to throw it out. When I finally get to my room this summer, I'm going to be hard on myself, and give away the things I can't throw out, if they're usable, and box them up if I can't bear to give them away. I just need to be out of this clutter.
30. I realize my parent's desire to go away and/or just be without their children for a little while, that sometimes you just need to spend some time with your partner, but that doesn't change the fact that I always feel completely insulted and left out every time they do. I heard they were planning a cruise this summer, and got excited, and then my mother told me yesterday that her and dad were going to go on a cruise by themselves. I proceeded to get quiet and a little disapprove-y. She asked me if I was jealous. Well...yes. It's a fucking cruise, I wanna go. But that ain't the half of it.
31. Though I am very easily insulted and hurt, especially these days, I'm never really mad at the person. If I am I forgive them immediately without even thinking about it. However, it still doesn't change the fact that I've been hurt.
32. My mom sent me to therapy once when I was in fourth grade because I stopped smiling. I remember she had straight brown hair, was a nice but not particularly interesting person, and she sat on a stiff leather couch, while I sat on the other side. We played Uno at one point, and we sat at a coffee table on the floor. I was much more focused on the game than talking about myself. I don't remember anything I said, or anything she said, but I remember thinking "Oh. There's a kid teasing me. That's what's wrong with me." I'm fairly sure it was because that's what she thought and I could see it in the way she directed her questions. Till this day I think it was wrong, that it had very little to do with a boy that occasionally upset me, and probably only teased me because I was his best friend's "girlfriend." I think most likely it was a horrible teacher putting on stress, and hormones.
33. Defeatest attitudes annoy the shit out of me, which is hypocritical because I can get like that sometimes too.
34. Sometimes I feel like some people resent me because I've had a stable home with stable parents with stable income. It's like...not resent, but I know at least two of my friends seem consciously to make me feel inferior because I don't have a dysfunctional family, or because I'm not poor or haven't moved around a lot, I wasn't forced to do all the housework, or, because of other disadvantages I haven't had, my family isn't the only thing I have. It is hurtful. Do not make me out to be spoiled because I've had a good life. Don't you dare make me feel inferior because I wasn't made to do the house's laundry at age six. For God's sake, don't flaunt your disadvantages in my face. I am allowed to be angry at my parents. I'm allowed not to want to be around my brother. I have other friends that are much more dysfunctional, and they don't wave it in my face like a fucking pity/pride flag. I have friends with the death of one or more immediate family member to deal with, and other shit going on besides. And while they may talk to me about it, and sometimes rant about it, they never make me feel bad for having what I do. And although I may still feel awkward about talking about, say, my dad, with them, that's because of me, and not because I feel like they'll resent me for it.
35. I'm terrible remembering any sort of anniversary--half the time I don't know it's important while it's happening, so I don't think to remember. Even death anniversaries.
36. I'm perfectly alright with my body and most of its imperfections
37. I think one of the main reasons I'm excited about college is because I'll get the chance to meet new people. If I could find amazing friends even close to the way Laura found Sophie and Sarah Jane (yes, I am so so jealous of you), I think I'll feel pretty damn accomplished. Someone that lives walking distance away and wants my ass of the computer so we can do something? Sign me the fuck up.
38. I can't believe I have this much to tell people.
39. I considered not posting this because of some of the rants in here, afraid I might offend someone, somewhere, but honestly, I don't care. This has nothing to do with anything, and I want it to be known.