Hell Hath No Fury
Title: Hell Hath No Fury
Disclaimer: Belongs to somebody not me. Blah blah blah, yackety schmackety.
Rating: PG
Summary: Boys suck
AN: I'd posted this to ff_fanfic a whiles back, but wanted to share it here
Mal looked up from the cargo manifest at the sound of a remarkable string of Chinese curses that woulda even made Jayne blush. “Hey now, little one, watch the language…”
River stopped and whirled around to stare daggers at him. “Why are you men all so pigheaded and stupid? Apes with dragging knuckles, all of you!”
He’d taken his fair share of abuse on behalf of his gender over the years, some of it even fairly earned on his part, but Mal found himself taking an involuntary step back and raising his arms in the “I surrender” position. In response, River let loose with another set of curses and stomped out of the cargo bay.
He stared at a very subdued Kaylee and a smug-looking Jayne as they trooped up the gangway. “OK, what in the name of Creation is she all on about? You were supposed to escort her to this dance shindig. That was all. Jayne, you didn’t spike the punch or nothin’, didya?”
“Hell no, Mal. Did exactly what ya said. Kept the moonbrain outta trouble.”
Kaylee snorted in disgust. “Sure ya did. By scaring that poor boy half outta his wits. All he was doin’ was giving her a kiss.”
Mal pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to stop the headache he could feel coming on. “Jayne, what exactly did you do to the boy?”
“Shucks. I barely nudged him.”
“Jayne? Define ‘nudge.’”
Kaylee broke in. “If givin’ him a bloody nose was a nudge, then sure. Started one heck of a dustup as well.”
Mal was now dead certain this notion of Inara’s to let River enjoy a bit of normal teen activity was gonna blow up in his face. “You punched a kid half your age? And started a brawl at a teen dance?”
Jayne shuffled his feet a bit, looking down at the ground. “That about covers it, I guess.”
Kaylee socked him on the arm. “No it don’t! See, Cap’n, the kid is the son of the police chief.”
Mal threw up his hands. “Oh, well that makes it all better, now don’t it? Punching out the get of the local constabulary who was half your age and starting a brawl at a teen dance when we’ve still got Alliance hot on our tails.”
Jayne started to protest. “Mal, I didn’t think…”
“No, Jayne, I conjure ya didn’t. And now, if you both will excuse me, I’ve got to go convince the scorned spookgirl assassin who wants to kill the entirety of my gender to fire up Serenity and get us the hell out of here.”
Mal started up the stairs. “Oh and Jayne? Garbage duty. One month or until I say otherwise. Whichever lasts longer.”
As he reached the top of the stairs, Inara came out of her shuttle, having heard the conversation. “Mal, maybe I should talk to her.”
“This was your doing, Inara. Dances and boys and kissing. I cannot be having this on my boat.”
Inara trailed behind Mal as he headed for the bridge. “Mal, she needs to be a normal girl. And normal girls go to dances. And meet boys. And kiss them.”
At the last sentence, Simon came out of the infirmary. “Wait, River was kissing a boy? Captain, you promised me that she’d be safe.”
Mal was undeterred in getting to the bridge. He knew River would be there. “Doc, go yell at Jayne over that. I ain’t got time.”
Sure enough, there was River in the pilot’s seat, staring out at the lights of the town. The bridge was where she actually liked to spend most of her time these days, even when she wasn’t actually piloting.
She didn’t even turn around when Mal slid into the seat next to her.
He cleared his throat. “Hey there, little albatross. Look, I’m real sorry for what happened. But we need to get out of the world right quick. Can ya do that for us?”
“You know how to fly Serenity.” Still not looking at him.
“I do at that. But you’re a fair sight better at quick getaways than I am.”
She turned her head slightly to look at him. “It was a dance, wasn’t it Captain? You were 15. Your first time.”
Mal was taking a distinct dislike to where she was taking this conversation. “Uhhh…yep. My first kiss. Now, darlin’ if you don’t mind…”
He breathed a sigh of relief as she began the startup sequence and brought the engines to life and started the lift-off.
“Not just a kiss. Like what the boy at the dance wanted.”
Mal blinked. “He didn’t try anything, did he?”
River laughed sharply. “Thought very loud. Quick and fast and not undressing all the way. Not the right way to do it.”
Mal was reminded of why he’d not had children. Conversations just like this were a big factor. “No, not the right way.”
“Are all boys like that?”
Mal ran his hand through his hair. “Ain’t this more a conversation you should be havin’ with Inara.”
River threw him a look that said, plain as day, that he was dumb as a sack of hammers. “You’re a boy. She’s not.”
“OK, first off, darlin’, I haven’t been a boy for longer than I care to say. But yeah, boys are all like that. Includin’, sad to say, me at that age.”
‘But you got better?”
“I surely hope so.”
Having gotten them safely out of the world, River set the controls for autopilot and leaned back in her chair. “She hopes so to, Captain.”
“Who hopes?”
Another dumb-as-a-sack-of-hammers look. “Inara.”
“Well, now ain’t that somethin’?”
Disclaimer: Belongs to somebody not me. Blah blah blah, yackety schmackety.
Rating: PG
Summary: Boys suck
AN: I'd posted this to ff_fanfic a whiles back, but wanted to share it here
Mal looked up from the cargo manifest at the sound of a remarkable string of Chinese curses that woulda even made Jayne blush. “Hey now, little one, watch the language…”
River stopped and whirled around to stare daggers at him. “Why are you men all so pigheaded and stupid? Apes with dragging knuckles, all of you!”
He’d taken his fair share of abuse on behalf of his gender over the years, some of it even fairly earned on his part, but Mal found himself taking an involuntary step back and raising his arms in the “I surrender” position. In response, River let loose with another set of curses and stomped out of the cargo bay.
He stared at a very subdued Kaylee and a smug-looking Jayne as they trooped up the gangway. “OK, what in the name of Creation is she all on about? You were supposed to escort her to this dance shindig. That was all. Jayne, you didn’t spike the punch or nothin’, didya?”
“Hell no, Mal. Did exactly what ya said. Kept the moonbrain outta trouble.”
Kaylee snorted in disgust. “Sure ya did. By scaring that poor boy half outta his wits. All he was doin’ was giving her a kiss.”
Mal pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to stop the headache he could feel coming on. “Jayne, what exactly did you do to the boy?”
“Shucks. I barely nudged him.”
“Jayne? Define ‘nudge.’”
Kaylee broke in. “If givin’ him a bloody nose was a nudge, then sure. Started one heck of a dustup as well.”
Mal was now dead certain this notion of Inara’s to let River enjoy a bit of normal teen activity was gonna blow up in his face. “You punched a kid half your age? And started a brawl at a teen dance?”
Jayne shuffled his feet a bit, looking down at the ground. “That about covers it, I guess.”
Kaylee socked him on the arm. “No it don’t! See, Cap’n, the kid is the son of the police chief.”
Mal threw up his hands. “Oh, well that makes it all better, now don’t it? Punching out the get of the local constabulary who was half your age and starting a brawl at a teen dance when we’ve still got Alliance hot on our tails.”
Jayne started to protest. “Mal, I didn’t think…”
“No, Jayne, I conjure ya didn’t. And now, if you both will excuse me, I’ve got to go convince the scorned spookgirl assassin who wants to kill the entirety of my gender to fire up Serenity and get us the hell out of here.”
Mal started up the stairs. “Oh and Jayne? Garbage duty. One month or until I say otherwise. Whichever lasts longer.”
As he reached the top of the stairs, Inara came out of her shuttle, having heard the conversation. “Mal, maybe I should talk to her.”
“This was your doing, Inara. Dances and boys and kissing. I cannot be having this on my boat.”
Inara trailed behind Mal as he headed for the bridge. “Mal, she needs to be a normal girl. And normal girls go to dances. And meet boys. And kiss them.”
At the last sentence, Simon came out of the infirmary. “Wait, River was kissing a boy? Captain, you promised me that she’d be safe.”
Mal was undeterred in getting to the bridge. He knew River would be there. “Doc, go yell at Jayne over that. I ain’t got time.”
Sure enough, there was River in the pilot’s seat, staring out at the lights of the town. The bridge was where she actually liked to spend most of her time these days, even when she wasn’t actually piloting.
She didn’t even turn around when Mal slid into the seat next to her.
He cleared his throat. “Hey there, little albatross. Look, I’m real sorry for what happened. But we need to get out of the world right quick. Can ya do that for us?”
“You know how to fly Serenity.” Still not looking at him.
“I do at that. But you’re a fair sight better at quick getaways than I am.”
She turned her head slightly to look at him. “It was a dance, wasn’t it Captain? You were 15. Your first time.”
Mal was taking a distinct dislike to where she was taking this conversation. “Uhhh…yep. My first kiss. Now, darlin’ if you don’t mind…”
He breathed a sigh of relief as she began the startup sequence and brought the engines to life and started the lift-off.
“Not just a kiss. Like what the boy at the dance wanted.”
Mal blinked. “He didn’t try anything, did he?”
River laughed sharply. “Thought very loud. Quick and fast and not undressing all the way. Not the right way to do it.”
Mal was reminded of why he’d not had children. Conversations just like this were a big factor. “No, not the right way.”
“Are all boys like that?”
Mal ran his hand through his hair. “Ain’t this more a conversation you should be havin’ with Inara.”
River threw him a look that said, plain as day, that he was dumb as a sack of hammers. “You’re a boy. She’s not.”
“OK, first off, darlin’, I haven’t been a boy for longer than I care to say. But yeah, boys are all like that. Includin’, sad to say, me at that age.”
‘But you got better?”
“I surely hope so.”
Having gotten them safely out of the world, River set the controls for autopilot and leaned back in her chair. “She hopes so to, Captain.”
“Who hopes?”
Another dumb-as-a-sack-of-hammers look. “Inara.”
“Well, now ain’t that somethin’?”