A decision, an announcement, and a few updates
So, I have come to the conclusion that I will not be moving to Chicago anytime in my immediate future.
You are all probably wondering what brought on this announcement after over a year of me obsessing about moving to Chicago. Believe me, it wasn’t an easy decision and something I had to think long and hard about. And after much reflection, I know in my heart that this is not the right move for me at this time in my life. And hell, I’m only 23 (almost 24) and I do have my whole future a head of me. I may move there someday…just not now.
I’m not an overly religious person though I do call myself a Christian. This move to Chicago has been something that I’ve been praying about for over a year. My prayers have basically consisted of me praying that this is the right decision, that I’ll be able to find a job there, that I’m being lead down the right path, and assertions that I would have faith that whatever happens happens and I will understand that if God doesn’t believe that the time is right or a particular job is perfect, then I will remain patient until the time is right.
In the recent months, I’ve been growing particularly anxious as job after job I apply for come and go. I even thought I found the perfect job at one point at the American Heart Association. I was devastated when the job was filled but I tried to keep my chin up…obviously God didn’t think that this was the right job for me.
Over the past few weeks, the cards have fallen and I came to a realization that this is the sign that I’ve been praying for…the sign that I’m making the right or wrong decision.
First it was Emily’s car. She was having brake problems and after dropping me off at the airport a few weeks ago, her brakes and car kinda died. Fixing her car cost a fortune which meant that she wouldn’t be able to move out this year. The whole incident made her open her eyes that she really was not financially stable enough to move out of her mom’s house. She was going to be my roommate if I moved to Chicago. At first I thought it would be fine. After all, when I originally planned to move to Chicago, I had planned to live on my own. But after looking at my budget (I budgeted out every possibly scenario in terms of what my salary may be in Chicago and the cost of living), I started to have doubts…
Then I got an early morning phone interview as a junior accountant at The Neurologic and Orthopedic Institute of Chicago. It went fantastic! The jobs was perfect…and the pay would have excellent. They wanted me to fly back for a second interview…I was stoked…for about a half an hour.
There’s a reason why people say you should follow your gut instinct. And I think it was this, the prospect of a second interview, the possibility of me ACTUALLY moving to Chicago, to be the wake up call that I needed.
I spent that day and the next day alternating between being super excited to having a mild panic attack. I was excited about the possibilities. I would finally be going somewhere in my career. I would actually be utilizing my college degree. I could go to one of the best business school in the nation. I could do more volunteer work at the Ronald McDonald House there in Chicago. I could be active in my sorority and be on the advisory board for the Alpha Phis at Northwestern. But then I would panic. Financially, this would be stupid. I would be living paycheck to paycheck and without building up a savings. I would miss my friends and family. I would miss my niece growing up. I would miss my mom and dad. I kept remembering a moment in my senior year in college where I received the biggest scare in my life. My mom called me and was obviously very upset. She said that something happened. My heart immediately dropped. I was positive something had happened to my dad. I turned out a small neighbor boy of ours whose family we were closed with was in a car accident and passed away. I was torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly guilty that I was relieved that it wasn’t my dad. You have to understand. My dad will be 65 this month. He was a heavy smoker when I was younger. He supposedly quit but I know he still smokes on occasion. His father died before I was born…probably before my sister was born. I don’t know our family medical history but I do know that my dad has never gone to the doctor since I can remember and he doesn’t want to. For all I know, he can be dying of lung cancer right now and we would never know. Everytime he coughs, I still have a lingering thought in the back of my mind that there might be something wrong with his lungs. I don’t know what I would do if I was in Chicago and something happened to my dad.
When I was having these panic attacks, the mere thought of moving made me sick. I would be taking a shower and my heart would be pounding and my gut would be twisted so tight that I felt nauseous. I spent that night talking at length to my friends Cara and Emily. And then Cara posed a really good question: What scared me more, getting the job or not getting the job?
Initially, I said both would scare me…especially getting the job. But it would be more an “excited and scared” feeling that my dreams might actually be realized. I told her that I was going to let whatever happen happen. If I go the job, great! If I didn’t, I’d move on and focus on my life here in Boise.
After a few hours I went to bed and as I was going to bed, I started to think about all the things I could be doing if I DIDN”T get the job. That was my sign.
I spent the following day at work feeling as if I was having a mild panic attack every 15 minutes. By the afternoon, I came to conclusion that this was the sign that I was praying for. I am not emotionally and financially read for this big change in my life. I was starting to pray that I wouldn’t get the job. That’s not good.
I had dinner with my friend Jenny that night to hash out everything that I was feeling. She’s been so incredibly helpful about this. I know I can talk to Jenny about this because she went through the exact same thing. She’s been planning to move to Seattle since March. She visited Seattle the same weekend I visited Chicago and she came to the conclusion that she couldn’t move to Seattle. At least not at this point in her life.
So I began to re-evaluate my reasons for moving to Chicago which were mainly career, education, and lack of satisfaction in my personal life. Yes, my job is going no where here. Even if I did get a better paying job, I will likely still be living with my parents for a few more years…but I’m alright with that. Emily is a year older than me and still living with her mom. While I was staying at their house, her mom showed me a recent article about how more and more college students are moving back home after graduation. I’m not alone. And if someone has something snide to say about it, then they’re not worth my time. Pepperdine was expensive. My surgery was expensive. But I don’t regret either decision for a second. My four years at Pepperdine were the best years of my life and I will cherish the memories and friends made during that time. My corrective jaw surgery was done for medical and cosmetic reasons. Having an underbite and crossbite was not good for the health of my jaw joints. My jaw would shift to the right when I opened my mouth and move back when I closed it. It was causing unnecessary wear and tear on my joints, tendons, and teeth. Cosmetically, I know that I look better. I’m not self conscious and thinking about how my profile looks when I go out anymore. And believe me, my underbite and crossbite was ALWAYS on my mind when I went anywhere.
As for my career, I’m going to focus on my job at IP. And next time a job comes up that I’m interested, I’m going to go for it. In the past, I passed up on those jobs thinking I wasn’t qualified. I’m not going to do that. As for my education, yes NNU is not as good a U of Chicago or Northwestern, but its still a good school and if IP is going to pay for part of it, I shouldn’t complain. As for my personal life, I plan on spending more time with my friends instead of pushing them away like I’ve unconsciously been doing for the past year. I will get more involved in the community here in Boise. And I think the first step to help me with this is to get a car.
Yes, I said car.
I know I’ve argued over the past year how financially stupid it would me to get a car. It still is in fact. But when I think about how I was going to cut back on my student loan payments (since I was far ahead on them anyway) if I moved to Chicago, I could cut back a little here in Boise and make payments for a car. (As you my recall, I pay twice my minimum payment monthly so I can pay off my loan faster). I figure with a car, I can do more volunteer at more places like the Women and Children’s Alliance of Idaho and the Discovery Center. Heck, maybe I’ll take up a second (or technically third) job somewhere.
So if I can just stop buying things (like the iPod I just bought), I should be able to save up by December for a decent down payment. I’ve signed up for weekends through December at the RMH to bring in some more money. And if I’m top of things and sign up in advance for a weekend every month before they’re gone, the money from the RMH would be enough for a monthly car payment…or a very good chunk of the payment.
So that’s my plan.
Ok, onto other things.
Yesterday, my department went out to lunch and attended Art in the Park at Julia Davis Park. It was fun…wish I had money to buy some of those things but alas, I need to save my money. (I’m NOT looking forward to my credit card bill for the month). Afterwards, I walked over to BSU to meet Jenny at the Student Union Building. Her church sponsored this seminar about faith and yesterday’s topic was “Why non-belief gets a free ride.” It was really interesting and the speaker is a religion professor at Pepperdine so that was kinda neat. Jenny has invited me to come to some of the Tuesday night devotionals with her and perhaps even come to church on Sunday. I might take her up on it. I know the churches of Christ tend to be pretty conservative but according to Jenny, the church of Christ in Boise is considered a black sheep because its so liberal…kinda like Pepperdine... which I find appealing. ;o)
After Jenny dropped me off, Angela called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with her. I had nothing else planned to do last night so I said sure. We went to Grape Escape in downtown and just talked and had some great wine. It also didn’t hurt that our server was cute and technically gave us two free glasses of wine. ;o) I have date with Angela and Kelly to see the Constant Gardener one of these days and Angela and I are definitely going to go see a Meridian High football game this season. Maybe homecoming. M-M-M-E-R! R-R-R-I-D! D-D-I-A-N! Now I need to see if I can dig up some blue and gold pom poms.
Kelly and two of his friends met up with us at Grape Escape. We sat around, had some more wine, and just talked. We finally decided we were hungry and since they stopped serving food, we decided to walk to Old Chicago to get a midnight snack…nachos and a pizza. Yum. :o)
I’m definitely going to have to go the Grape Escape again. Its definitely going to be on my list of places to take Cara and Em when they visit here…whenever they do. I keep telling them that they can’t come until I get my own place…which will be in 10 years at this rate.
Ok, I probably should go now. I need to get ready. Angela, Kelly, and I are going to see the Complete Works of William Shakespeare at the Idaho Shakespeare Festival tonight. We might even meet up with some Kelly’s friends. I’m super excited to see the play.