untitled at the moment
Title: none at the moment
Fandom: Ghost/ex-ghost/TID/MCC/Priest
Rating: G for now
Disclaimer: don't know, don't own, never happened, no disrespect meant.
Notes: may or may not post more chapters, we'll see.
Warnings: A/U
I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here..."
"You know that you can say anything you want here...there isn't any judgment in this room." The woman sitting across from you is older and definitely has a more grandmotherly feeling to her, she pauses momentarily before she goes on. "I've been seeing you for a couple of years but you never seem to say much as to why you're here."
You don't answer her, instead you watch your hands...trying hard not to pick at the skin around your nails.
"How does a typical day go for you?"
You shrug a little and don't look up before you start talking, your voice isn't loud but it sounds so quiet to your ears. "The same as every day for the last...five or so years."
"Ok...can you tell me in small detail how your morning goes?"
"I wake up about two hours before my alarm goes off...and I lay in bed for another twenty after it's gone off trying to find any semblance of motivation to get up...after I manage to drag myself out of bed...shower, breakfast-if I have time, hair and make up." You can't fight the urge anymore so you start to pull at a small bit of skin on your hand, it doesn't go unnoticed by the other woman either. "It's not even because I enjoy wearing it or doing my hair...our supervisor is a disgusting pig and says that if we don't doll up he'll fire us...I get dressed and go to work."
"What do you do at work? What happens on a typical day?"
"Its a pretty big store...not naming names though."
"I understand...go on."
"I work in the apparel department and that includes every piece of clothing ever made apparently...if I'm not busting my ass trying to keep everything looking nice or trying to help some ungrateful bitch who thinks I'm below her...I'm standing behind a counter getting screamed at about...everything it feels like."
"Don't you ever have nice customers?"
"Every job has nice customers...and trust me...I've had a few and they are amazing, but the bad always outweighs the good."
"Tell me about your supervisor..."
"I already did. I'm surprised the fucker hasn't gotten canned yet for harassment but I guess no one is willing to pin him on it."
"Ok..." She glances down in her lap where a clipboard is laying, she writes some things down and then looks back up at you. "You've had a stressful day at work...what do you do when you go home to relax and destress?"
"I clean."
"You clean? What do you clean?"
"Everything." You don't have to be looking at her to know your poor therapist's eyes are huge right now.
"Everything?"
You nod before looking up at her and clasping your hands together in your lap in an effort to stop picking at them.
"Every day after work?"
"Yes...it needs done every day."
"Is there anyone else living with you?"
"No."
"Surely you don't make enough of a mess yourself to warrant cleaning like that everyday..."
"I know...my days off are worse."
"What do you do on your days off?"
"Clean, organize, disinfect, wash, rearrange...everything. Every room."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Are you cleaning to get rid of germs and bacteria...anything like that?"
You ponder the question for a moment, are you doing it for those reasons? "No...sadly its more of a calming feeling while I do it."
"Well..it sounds like you already have something at home that helps with the stress of work...the question is what has changed to make you come here now for this?"
"I've picked up a few habits I know aren't good for me..."
"Like?"
"I keep track of everything...and I do mean everything. Everything from the pretty normal financial aspect to what I eat and drink...my mind is always running around in circles and sometimes I get caught up in the same thought over and over and I can't break it...I feel like I can't switch off." You sigh deeply. "I've started grinding my teeth at night, I don't like unplanned visits or going anywhere unless it was planned that way..." You hold up your hand to her. " and I've started to pick at my fingers and hands for no fucking reason..."
When you look up again you see a small amount of worry on her face, you feel a deep dread bloom in your stomach.
"Skylar...I've been seeing you for a while now...and over those years I've watched you cycle through periods of depression and anxiety. Some of the symptoms you describe to me sound obsessive..."
"You think I may have..."
"No...just because you have some symptoms doesn't mean that you have it fully...if you think about it many people do the same things over and over again because its familiar...you cleaning your home after work and days off-while it sounds like something compulsive-I think it's more to do with being in control and possibly keeping your mind occupied. The picking and grinding could be stress, we both know you struggle with anxiety and so the unplanned trips and visits could be because of that."
"What do I do..." You cringe at the smallness of your own voice.
"Obviously talking hasn't helped you significantly even though you do seem to be more open which is always a good thing...have you ever considered a medication to help even you out?"
"No..."
She looks at you for a long moment before glancing down and then back up at you. "Because you think you won't be in control?"
"No...because I won't be myself...I know what those meds do to people..."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"I had been hoping you were from the beginning..."
"I think you have an issue with letting go of things...an issue with letting go of control. You have no control in your job so you go home at night and organize everything by what You want...you clean the way you want...you don't ask anyone for help because you feel it will somehow take away what little control you feel you DO have..." She sighs a little and looks at the clock. "You're downfall is routine at this rate...if you don't want to try medication I have an idea."
"What?"
"Be more spontaneous."
"Spontaneous..."
"Don't over think, don't plan...just do it." She gives you a small smile. "Within reason of course...thats our time this week dear...try and take care of yourself."
Like I haven't tried to be already...fucking great.
You spend the rest of your day at home...despite wanting so desperately to help yourself...you always lie to your therapist. You do hate your job...you do clean your house to take your mind off it...you never mention the feeling of apathy you feel though. Nothing you do anymore makes you remotely happy and honestly your life feels like the same horrendous day over and over again...you don't have motivation to do anything aside from sit on your couch in your living room and stare a blank tv because you can't even muster the small bit of energy it would take to pick up the remote.You don't ever tell your therapist about the creeping sense detachment from people that were once so close to you...the only friend that stays close is your coworker Ryan-and the only reason he stays so close is because he doesn't let you block him out. You know deep down that you enjoy the fact he randomly visits you and fills your nights with talk of whatever the hottest gossip at work was...he was a huge sweetheart and he was one of the only people that genuinely cared for you, he was like a sibling really. You drop your gaze to the remote in front of you on the small coffee table and let out a deep sigh...even if you turn on the tv you're sure that there won't be anything to watch...but you furrow your brow and lean forward anyhow picking it up and hitting the power button before you start to channel surf.
It's almost like clock work when you hear your phone go off but you don't bother picking it up, in about twenty minutes Ryan will be outside your door banging on it or letting himself in and making himself at home. You used to think that you needed someone in your life to make you happy and unlike those silly romance books you'd been obsessed with as a preteen...you'd grown up to find that it was far from the truth. One miserable relationship would end and another would begin...none of them giving you what you really wanted...honestly you'd never felt anything with any of the three partners you'd had in your life. There'd been no spark, no real interest...just someone to make you feel less alone but it always ended up making you feel more isolated than being single. Now it was going on 3 years of being alone and honestly while you felt a little better in being alone...there was no one to distract you...that and you hadn't had any type of physical interaction with the opposite sex in that time either and Ryan always liked to point out guys to you and try to set you up. It was a gesture with good intention but never worked. You glance at your phone and check the time before leaning your head into the back of your couch counting down the seconds before you hear heavy footsteps come down your hall followed by a quick few bangs on your door...a few minutes later you hear the door open and sure enough Ryan is standing in your doorway with his hands on his hips and a determined excitement on his face.
You tilt your head a bit and stare at him in silence...you always did. It was shame really that he wasn't into girls...athletic build, fairly tall, light blue eyes and shiny brown hair that was always perfect no matter what kind of weather. He wasn't bad looking at all but even if he was into girls you doubted you could see him as anything other than a close friend anyhow.
"Hey..."
"Just hey?" He lifts a brow at you and you shake your head before feeling the corner of your mouth lift up a bit.
"Hey bitch."
"That's more like it." He steps forward and closes the door before unceremoniously plopping himself down next to you on the couch and taking the remote from you. "So what are you doing this week?"
"Not working." You'd asked for a week off a few months ago...and with some nagging your asshole boss had agreed to it thankfully.
"And..."
"Not dressing up..."
"Annnnd..."
You give him a look. "Not putting on makeup or doing my hair or having to have a pervert look at my ass or having to have my ear screamed off by an entitled bitch."
He looks at you and tilts his own head. "So nothing."
"Yes. Nothing."
"Good! Then you won't mind going to the fair with me every night this week."
"Hell no."
His face falls in a display of mock hurt. "Why not?"
"Because I know how this ends."
"And how does it end miss knows everything?"
"You try like hell to hook me up with someone."
He lets out an overly dramatic sigh. "You have fun though!"
"I did have fun...I doubt I will this year."
"I bet you will."
"How do you figure."
"Because you're going with me bitch."
You open your mouth to protest but he puts his hand up.
"You're going if I have to peel you off this couch and carry you over my shoulder. It's not going to kill you to interact with humans once in a while."
You mumble and cross your arms over your chest like a child...you hate when he does this...though you can't deny that the last times you'd gone you'd enjoyed yourself...so maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.
____________
You're not sure what wakes you up really...you lay there and squint into the darkness trying to listen for anything that sounded out of place but after a few minutes of nothing but the occasional car passing by you relax and glance over at your phone sitting on a ledge next to the bed. You roll over and hit the button on the side making it light up harshly in the dark and after a few seconds blinking at it you see that it's about four in the morning and you can't help but groan loudly that you're up before your alarm this early. You wish that you could get back to sleep but you know better than to do it...the last time you did that you'd woken up to birds chirping and that had automatically been a bad sign, it meant that Pogo was on his way to your camper to rip you out of bed himself because one thing he couldn't stand was his workers being late. Especially on set up. Of course that had been one of the first weeks working with him and it had only taken once to get the point...you were a pretty quick learner. You lay on your side with your arm over the edge of the bed for what feels like forever until you roll back onto your back and put your hands over your face...the only good thing...ONLY good thing, about being up this early was that you got to enjoy the quiet before the madness took over. Your hands slide up into your hair and you stare into the blackness above you for a while before sitting up and leaning over, pulling the charging cord out of your phone and sliding to the end of the bed. It had been early when the crew had rolled into town, around midnight or one in the morning and while most of you had set up the little village of tents, campers and bunkies and gone straight to bed...others had insisted on staying up and partying despite the work that was going to get done the next day.
You feel a small smirk lift the corner of your mouth as you think of all the fun you can have with hungover workers, it had the potential to be so fun...if Pogo was going to stay in his camper all day that was...he was a good boss but sometimes he was a prick. Of course...the boss you'd had before switching companies had been a prick too...but his company had been shady at best and when you'd joined at sixteen you'd fit in just fine, but when you'd come here you'd been knocked down a few pegs and it had humbled you to what you were now. You run your hands through your hair a few times before you slide off the end of the bed and pick up a pair of shorts and a shirt that had seen better days...set up wasn't exactly a place you wanted to wear nice clothes. You cross through the bathroom and into the main area of your small home, pulling on your clothes slowly, partly because you're not quite awake and partly because it's dark as shit and despite the fact you'd owned this little piece of heaven for a good three or so years now...you still couldn't remember where the fuck the lights were. After running into the countertop a few times trying to pull your shorts on with some semblance of grace you scowl and button them, throwing on your shirt and using your phone as a light to get to the door. You sigh when you can feel the weight of your wallet in your back pocket...when you got free time, you really needed to visit a laundromat. You step outside and feel a chill run up your back before you get used to the cool air, it was bound to be hot as hell today but the mornings were always just so nice...you close your door and lock it before using the dim light of surrounding area to meander your way through the small camp. You're goal is coffee...a lot of it...and after some time you break out of the carnie camp and head towards the back entrance, once you make it you look around slowly before you see a gas station a few blocks away...perfect.
By the time you get back the sun is starting to make the blackness of the sky look inky blue and you can hear the birds starting to wake up slowly. As you reenter the camp you can see some lights on in various tents and campers and there are some others outside already, drinking their coffee or smoking the morning's cigarette. You get greeted by the few that are awake enough and you raise your hand at them in a silent greeting before making your way back to your own area...you have a chair leaned up against the side and with one hand you pull it out and give it a firm jerk to unfold it before you sit it down and sit in it, quiet mornings like this make you think about all the different people that are actually here right now. Unlike your first company...Pogo's outfit is pretty respectable and does good work, they have a longer season and once you'd learned the ropes to almost everything in the show he'd paid more than enough to make you never contemplate leaving...even if you got irritated with the old bastard. There were old veterans of the business as well as people around your age that were knowledgeable...even a scattering of kids that traveled with their parents, it was very much like having a large extended family in a lot of ways. You sit there for the longest time watching more people wake up and mill around as the sun starts to come up and you breath out heavily at the thought of all the things that need done today...there were only a handful of you that knew all the rides...three of you that knew rides and games well enough to work either. A few kids burst through the path between some tents, they can't be older than three or so and it makes the corner of your mouth turn up slightly, it really was a good part of the job you guessed...kids didn't smile like they did here anywhere else. You contemplate attempting to wash off a bit before everything starts going but you decide against it, you're only going to get more disgusting as the day goes on, you watch as more people start to wake up and more lights start to dot the small area you all take up. You know first and foremost you'll be responsible for setting up your baby...probably with Simon's help if anyone was falling behind, there were maybe five new people joining in on the season and this would be their first set up. You expected to running around a lot today.
By the time the sun fully comes up, everyone is dressed-more or less-and already know their routines...the only exception being the new guys who were told to follow certain workers around and help. Because time was a factor today, Pogo had told Simon that he was helping you set up your ride and while you had almost hoped to do it alone you are thankful for the help regardless. You both stand in front of the packed up bundle with your hands on your hips for what seems like forever before you start getting your plan of action together. Neither of you is very big, but it has never stopped either of you from setting up machinery that was easily five times your size...it just took some planning was all. You both look at the trailer for a long moment before movement from the other catches your attention, Simon had been finishing a cigarette as you'd made your way to your area and was now finished, flicking the last bit onto the ground in front of him.
"So..."
"So...what?"
"How is this going to work?"
You give him a sidelong glance, he's a good inch or two taller than you so you have to look up slightly. "The same way it worked last year...and the year before that...and the year before that...and-"
"OK! I get it..."
You lift your arms over your head briefly before taking off towards the trailer and climbing up the side, Simon hangs back watching you before he meanders his way to the electrical panel on the other side.
"So, how do you think this year will be?"
You pull off the straps that had been holding the ride down and toss them off the sides to the ground before pausing and looking skyward. It had been cold, rainy or just generally shitty the last few years your carnival had gone through this town but by the looks of things this year look promising.
"If it stays like this I bet Pogo will make up every cent he lost the last couple of years...usually small towns like this there ain't shit else to do..." You lean back over to tug at another strap but it doesn't budge at first so you give it a good kick with your foot. "That..and combined with the weather...I'll be surprised if we don't walk away with double what he's saying we'll get."
"No shit..."
You can hear him tinkering already and as you push the last of the ties onto the ground you stand up and look over the side at him. "You ready?"
He gives you an evil smile. "Born ready sweetheart."
_____
It was still beyond you why you had agreed to go...actually you'd had your arm twisted into it and once Ryan had his teeth in something he wouldn't let it go. So there you were, on the first night of this annual fair-which wasn't to interesting that first night anyhow but he wanted to come. You had a feeling he'd only wanted to come here to eat since that was going to be the only thing really open tonight but you weren't going to complain too much, it really was a nice night to be outside and despite the fact that you hadn't wanted to interact you felt thankful that Ryan had made you come. You had both dressed rather simply, he had on jeans and a tshirt and you'd opted for comfortable shorts and one of the many novelty shirts you'd acquired over the years. Once you two get in he makes a straight line for the area the food is in which is fine with you, you follow him and look around not really paying attention to anything in particular. There seems to be a lot more this year than last year, granted last year it had rained so badly that most of the rides had to be shut down, you didn't figure they'd done too well that year and it was honestly surprising to see them back this year...not that you really paid too much attention to what company it even was. You stop walking after you realize that you've lost Ryan in the sea of foodies and settle on standing off to the side and looking over the assortment of game booths that are clustered just down the walkway to your right, they aren't entirely put together and you can see some of the workers still working on setting up. Some games have more than one person working on them while others are entirely being put together by one person...it isn't until you notice a flash of light that you look up past it all and see the area where the rides are all muddled together. It's dark enough that the lights catch your attention but they aren't the brightest thing in the sky at that moment, you see several of the bigger rides running and tilt your head a bit. You know they're not open, probably just making sure everything is working...but you can't deny that it's hard to not look away from the light show going on.
By the time Ryan comes back you've crossed your arms over your chest and gotten comfortable where you are just watching, he looks between you and the far off area you're looking at before grabbing your arm and starting to pull you in that direction.
"Hey!...what the hell?"
"If you're going to stare at the pretty lights why not do it in that area?"
You open your mouth to give him a snarky response but feel your face heat up a bit when you realize you don't actually have one, so you let him lead you through sporadic groups of people. You'd never been big on people...you'd actually strived for most of your adult life to minimize interactions with them in general, so it was a mystery to you how Ryan and you got to be such good friends. He was the quintessential social butterfly, there was literally no one he wouldn't talk to...you on the other hand barely said a word to anyone and even when they were friends you still didn't talk much. A lot of people either took your silence as being a doormat they could walk all over or they took it as you being an snobby bitch, then there had been Ryan. He'd come up to you your second or third day of work and started chatting your ear off, at first it had been annoying but the more days you'd worked with him the more you'd grown fond of hearing his ridiculous stories and partaking in his surprisingly blunt and sometimes dark sense of humor...honestly speaking if he wasn't batting for the other team you would have loved to have dated him, but it just wasn't in the cards. It hadn't been for damn near three years. That was a topic for another day though, you get snapped back into reality when you feel Ryan stop walking and suddenly you're aware of the fact that not only had he taken you to where the rides were you were standing practically smack in the middle of them.
All of the rides are lit up and some are actually running still, you can see a handful of workers standing around one of them though and despite all the dazzling lights your attention keeps going back to the group of people. It's a group of maybe four or six of them and they all seem to be scratching their heads at something, two of them are leaned over something and from the distance you can't tell if they're looking or actively trying to fix something or not. Ryan is oblivious to it all as you keep watching, suddenly more entertained by this than what you had been. One of the shorter men squats down next to the two that have their heads buried underneath the platform before he nods and proceeds to climb over the railing and stand by the controls, you watch as one of the men that had been leaned over stands up and climbs over the railing as well, instead of heading to the controls he walks towards one of the pods. You watch with a strange fascination as he climbs on top of the pod and-from the looks of it at least-holds on carefully, you hear one of them yell something inaudible over the noise and the pods move taking him to the top of the ride which is enough to give you a shiver of your own because fuck that was high as hell. Ryan is now also watching with about the same look on his face as you have...both of you feel like you're watching some kind of thriller and are waiting on what happens next. You see him move carefully so that he's now climbing on the main arm of the ride ducking his head behind the belt that runs the length of it, he yells down at one of the men and after a few moments the one on the ground yells back. You have no idea what they're saying but it's not lost on you that there is something wrong and from the way the other men are standing around a bit nervously you have to wonder if this is something that the man up on the tower should even be doing. Surely at least he had to have some sort of harness or something...anything to keep him from falling what was probably three or four stories at least...
The man at the control watches him as well before another burst of yelling breaks out, you watch them move the ride around as slowly as it can go and when the main arm is parallel with the ground you can make out the man up above standing up fully, his hands on his hips and what you're sure is a look of irritation, though its hard to tell from down on the ground. He turns around and after what seems like a few minutes he moves down the length of the arm and holds onto one of the pod's caging before the ride starts up fully, as it turns over you watch him jump off when it gets close to the platform, not even phased by any of it.
"That was fucking intense."
"No bullshit there..."
"I mean...he could've died."
"He didn't though so..."
Ryan is quiet for a bit before he speaks up again. "I'd sure like to get to know him."
The comment makes you laugh harder than you mean to and it echos so loudly that a few of the men turn to look over at you, including the one Ryan had been talking about. He looks to be tallish, and like the majority of the group he's standing with he seems to be a bit slight though from the feat you just watched you doubt he's as weak as he looks. You can't make out much detail other than his dark hair and what looks like a amused smile before you tug on Ryan's arm hard and mutter something about needing to leave.
The whole way home, Ryan goes on and on about they dark haired acrobat, you tune most of it out though. You'd been embarrassed initially...you'd laughed and it was the fact that they'd heard that made you feel that way, but if that was the case why were you agreeing with Ryan about a lot of the points he was making.
"How the hell did you even make out anything other than hair color...it was dark!" You look at him with your brows furrowed. "I call bullshit missy."
"Call bullshit all you want, he was cute...the lot of them were."
"So now you saw all of them?"
"Honey I'm not a fan of orgies but I think i could be convinced if they were the ones doing it." He laughs loudly. "How could you not see how fucking cute they were?"
"Maybe I wasn't paying attention..."
"Uh huh..."
"Besides, they're not the kind of people I'd normally think about for that kind of thing..."
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Don't make me pull this car over and bitch slap you."
"Because they're carnival workers...not the type you want to hook up with Ryan."
You don't have to be looking at him to see the look he's giving you. "When did you become so judgmental?"
"I'm not."
"Carnies are people too Sky."
"I am not having this conversation with you."
"You most certainly are. You can't tell me that if one of those sexy bastards showed an interest in getting in your pants you wouldn't take them up on it?"
"No. Not even remotely."
"Even if it was best case scenario? Clean, condom, quickie?"
"No."
"Mhm..."
You turn your head and look at him, he's giving you a skeptical look. "What?"
"Nothing...other than the fact you're a liar."
"Ok...we'll come back tomorrow in the daylight...I bet you that they aren't even that good looking once you can see them clearly."
He snorts. "I'll take that bet...maybe you'll get you some."
You don't answer him instead you cross your arms and sigh inwardly...you couldn't deny to yourself that you were curious now.
__________
People didn't usually come to this side of the grounds on the first day...there was nothing to do unless of course they were just watching, which you were used to. Tobbe had been stuck with this ride for three years now...and each year something went wrong with it, usually something he couldn't fix himself so you all would gang around the thing and try and figure out what it was this year, as a matter of fact there was a running bet every year as to what would go wrong. Two years in a row you'd lost fifty dollars to Martin but this year Simon had gotten your money, fucker. It wasn't unusual to climb on the rides at night, of course that was when Pogo wasn't around...if he'd seen the stunt you pulled earlier he would've had your ass tanned and mounted in his trailer after he fired you. You all did a lot of things you weren't supposed to do, but usually you could get the job done fast and correctly which excluded the use of the safety equipment...or it could take the extra time to put it all on and hook up the lines and take that much longer to set up a ride...most if not all of you chose the former option. The new guys weren't given a choice though, not that their rides were as hard to put up...most of them had kiddie rides and those were a breeze compared to some of the other complicated pieces. With Simon's help it had only taken about three hours to get your baby up and running...the rest of your night had been spent going from ride to ride to check up and help...or just to bother.
Once you'd gotten back on the ground you'd talked with Martin and Tobbe about what exactly had gone wrong this time...and you'd been about to make a point of telling Tobbe to tell Pogo the next time it happened when a loud laugh had drawn all of your attention to the two people standing in the middle of the ride area. The benefit of standing where you were was that you had a very clear view of the two of them while they had a mostly obscured view of all of you...the lights were just too darn bright sometimes. You had a very strange feeling about the guy...probably the way he was eyeing Aksel and Martin but the girl he was with looked utterly mortified and though it seemed to be a long time of awkward staring between groups it probably had only been a handful of seconds before she tugged on the guy's arm and they went to leave. From your view she wasn't at all bad looking...then again there were a lot of girls that were attractive in your 19 years in this job...a younger you would've resolved to find her the next time she was here and try to at least get a blowjob out of her. You weren't that young anymore though and quite honestly you'd lost interest in chasing tail at the towns you went to, that wasn't to say you didn't appreciate a pretty face or nice body when you saw one though. She definitely had both going for her from what you saw...you get drawn out of your thoughts by Simon and after some discussion you all conclude that the ride shouldn't fail again this week...though after it's packed up it would be hard to tell...you aren't really paying attention though, you've distracted yourself by the thought of a blowjob and you sigh inwardly in annoyance because it's been far too long since you'd even gotten that. A small part of you really hopes that you'll see her again though...maybe in the daylight this time...even if there is a snowballs chance of it happening.
Fandom: Ghost/ex-ghost/TID/MCC/Priest
Rating: G for now
Disclaimer: don't know, don't own, never happened, no disrespect meant.
Notes: may or may not post more chapters, we'll see.
Warnings: A/U
I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here..."
"You know that you can say anything you want here...there isn't any judgment in this room." The woman sitting across from you is older and definitely has a more grandmotherly feeling to her, she pauses momentarily before she goes on. "I've been seeing you for a couple of years but you never seem to say much as to why you're here."
You don't answer her, instead you watch your hands...trying hard not to pick at the skin around your nails.
"How does a typical day go for you?"
You shrug a little and don't look up before you start talking, your voice isn't loud but it sounds so quiet to your ears. "The same as every day for the last...five or so years."
"Ok...can you tell me in small detail how your morning goes?"
"I wake up about two hours before my alarm goes off...and I lay in bed for another twenty after it's gone off trying to find any semblance of motivation to get up...after I manage to drag myself out of bed...shower, breakfast-if I have time, hair and make up." You can't fight the urge anymore so you start to pull at a small bit of skin on your hand, it doesn't go unnoticed by the other woman either. "It's not even because I enjoy wearing it or doing my hair...our supervisor is a disgusting pig and says that if we don't doll up he'll fire us...I get dressed and go to work."
"What do you do at work? What happens on a typical day?"
"Its a pretty big store...not naming names though."
"I understand...go on."
"I work in the apparel department and that includes every piece of clothing ever made apparently...if I'm not busting my ass trying to keep everything looking nice or trying to help some ungrateful bitch who thinks I'm below her...I'm standing behind a counter getting screamed at about...everything it feels like."
"Don't you ever have nice customers?"
"Every job has nice customers...and trust me...I've had a few and they are amazing, but the bad always outweighs the good."
"Tell me about your supervisor..."
"I already did. I'm surprised the fucker hasn't gotten canned yet for harassment but I guess no one is willing to pin him on it."
"Ok..." She glances down in her lap where a clipboard is laying, she writes some things down and then looks back up at you. "You've had a stressful day at work...what do you do when you go home to relax and destress?"
"I clean."
"You clean? What do you clean?"
"Everything." You don't have to be looking at her to know your poor therapist's eyes are huge right now.
"Everything?"
You nod before looking up at her and clasping your hands together in your lap in an effort to stop picking at them.
"Every day after work?"
"Yes...it needs done every day."
"Is there anyone else living with you?"
"No."
"Surely you don't make enough of a mess yourself to warrant cleaning like that everyday..."
"I know...my days off are worse."
"What do you do on your days off?"
"Clean, organize, disinfect, wash, rearrange...everything. Every room."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Are you cleaning to get rid of germs and bacteria...anything like that?"
You ponder the question for a moment, are you doing it for those reasons? "No...sadly its more of a calming feeling while I do it."
"Well..it sounds like you already have something at home that helps with the stress of work...the question is what has changed to make you come here now for this?"
"I've picked up a few habits I know aren't good for me..."
"Like?"
"I keep track of everything...and I do mean everything. Everything from the pretty normal financial aspect to what I eat and drink...my mind is always running around in circles and sometimes I get caught up in the same thought over and over and I can't break it...I feel like I can't switch off." You sigh deeply. "I've started grinding my teeth at night, I don't like unplanned visits or going anywhere unless it was planned that way..." You hold up your hand to her. " and I've started to pick at my fingers and hands for no fucking reason..."
When you look up again you see a small amount of worry on her face, you feel a deep dread bloom in your stomach.
"Skylar...I've been seeing you for a while now...and over those years I've watched you cycle through periods of depression and anxiety. Some of the symptoms you describe to me sound obsessive..."
"You think I may have..."
"No...just because you have some symptoms doesn't mean that you have it fully...if you think about it many people do the same things over and over again because its familiar...you cleaning your home after work and days off-while it sounds like something compulsive-I think it's more to do with being in control and possibly keeping your mind occupied. The picking and grinding could be stress, we both know you struggle with anxiety and so the unplanned trips and visits could be because of that."
"What do I do..." You cringe at the smallness of your own voice.
"Obviously talking hasn't helped you significantly even though you do seem to be more open which is always a good thing...have you ever considered a medication to help even you out?"
"No..."
She looks at you for a long moment before glancing down and then back up at you. "Because you think you won't be in control?"
"No...because I won't be myself...I know what those meds do to people..."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"I had been hoping you were from the beginning..."
"I think you have an issue with letting go of things...an issue with letting go of control. You have no control in your job so you go home at night and organize everything by what You want...you clean the way you want...you don't ask anyone for help because you feel it will somehow take away what little control you feel you DO have..." She sighs a little and looks at the clock. "You're downfall is routine at this rate...if you don't want to try medication I have an idea."
"What?"
"Be more spontaneous."
"Spontaneous..."
"Don't over think, don't plan...just do it." She gives you a small smile. "Within reason of course...thats our time this week dear...try and take care of yourself."
Like I haven't tried to be already...fucking great.
You spend the rest of your day at home...despite wanting so desperately to help yourself...you always lie to your therapist. You do hate your job...you do clean your house to take your mind off it...you never mention the feeling of apathy you feel though. Nothing you do anymore makes you remotely happy and honestly your life feels like the same horrendous day over and over again...you don't have motivation to do anything aside from sit on your couch in your living room and stare a blank tv because you can't even muster the small bit of energy it would take to pick up the remote.You don't ever tell your therapist about the creeping sense detachment from people that were once so close to you...the only friend that stays close is your coworker Ryan-and the only reason he stays so close is because he doesn't let you block him out. You know deep down that you enjoy the fact he randomly visits you and fills your nights with talk of whatever the hottest gossip at work was...he was a huge sweetheart and he was one of the only people that genuinely cared for you, he was like a sibling really. You drop your gaze to the remote in front of you on the small coffee table and let out a deep sigh...even if you turn on the tv you're sure that there won't be anything to watch...but you furrow your brow and lean forward anyhow picking it up and hitting the power button before you start to channel surf.
It's almost like clock work when you hear your phone go off but you don't bother picking it up, in about twenty minutes Ryan will be outside your door banging on it or letting himself in and making himself at home. You used to think that you needed someone in your life to make you happy and unlike those silly romance books you'd been obsessed with as a preteen...you'd grown up to find that it was far from the truth. One miserable relationship would end and another would begin...none of them giving you what you really wanted...honestly you'd never felt anything with any of the three partners you'd had in your life. There'd been no spark, no real interest...just someone to make you feel less alone but it always ended up making you feel more isolated than being single. Now it was going on 3 years of being alone and honestly while you felt a little better in being alone...there was no one to distract you...that and you hadn't had any type of physical interaction with the opposite sex in that time either and Ryan always liked to point out guys to you and try to set you up. It was a gesture with good intention but never worked. You glance at your phone and check the time before leaning your head into the back of your couch counting down the seconds before you hear heavy footsteps come down your hall followed by a quick few bangs on your door...a few minutes later you hear the door open and sure enough Ryan is standing in your doorway with his hands on his hips and a determined excitement on his face.
You tilt your head a bit and stare at him in silence...you always did. It was shame really that he wasn't into girls...athletic build, fairly tall, light blue eyes and shiny brown hair that was always perfect no matter what kind of weather. He wasn't bad looking at all but even if he was into girls you doubted you could see him as anything other than a close friend anyhow.
"Hey..."
"Just hey?" He lifts a brow at you and you shake your head before feeling the corner of your mouth lift up a bit.
"Hey bitch."
"That's more like it." He steps forward and closes the door before unceremoniously plopping himself down next to you on the couch and taking the remote from you. "So what are you doing this week?"
"Not working." You'd asked for a week off a few months ago...and with some nagging your asshole boss had agreed to it thankfully.
"And..."
"Not dressing up..."
"Annnnd..."
You give him a look. "Not putting on makeup or doing my hair or having to have a pervert look at my ass or having to have my ear screamed off by an entitled bitch."
He looks at you and tilts his own head. "So nothing."
"Yes. Nothing."
"Good! Then you won't mind going to the fair with me every night this week."
"Hell no."
His face falls in a display of mock hurt. "Why not?"
"Because I know how this ends."
"And how does it end miss knows everything?"
"You try like hell to hook me up with someone."
He lets out an overly dramatic sigh. "You have fun though!"
"I did have fun...I doubt I will this year."
"I bet you will."
"How do you figure."
"Because you're going with me bitch."
You open your mouth to protest but he puts his hand up.
"You're going if I have to peel you off this couch and carry you over my shoulder. It's not going to kill you to interact with humans once in a while."
You mumble and cross your arms over your chest like a child...you hate when he does this...though you can't deny that the last times you'd gone you'd enjoyed yourself...so maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.
____________
You're not sure what wakes you up really...you lay there and squint into the darkness trying to listen for anything that sounded out of place but after a few minutes of nothing but the occasional car passing by you relax and glance over at your phone sitting on a ledge next to the bed. You roll over and hit the button on the side making it light up harshly in the dark and after a few seconds blinking at it you see that it's about four in the morning and you can't help but groan loudly that you're up before your alarm this early. You wish that you could get back to sleep but you know better than to do it...the last time you did that you'd woken up to birds chirping and that had automatically been a bad sign, it meant that Pogo was on his way to your camper to rip you out of bed himself because one thing he couldn't stand was his workers being late. Especially on set up. Of course that had been one of the first weeks working with him and it had only taken once to get the point...you were a pretty quick learner. You lay on your side with your arm over the edge of the bed for what feels like forever until you roll back onto your back and put your hands over your face...the only good thing...ONLY good thing, about being up this early was that you got to enjoy the quiet before the madness took over. Your hands slide up into your hair and you stare into the blackness above you for a while before sitting up and leaning over, pulling the charging cord out of your phone and sliding to the end of the bed. It had been early when the crew had rolled into town, around midnight or one in the morning and while most of you had set up the little village of tents, campers and bunkies and gone straight to bed...others had insisted on staying up and partying despite the work that was going to get done the next day.
You feel a small smirk lift the corner of your mouth as you think of all the fun you can have with hungover workers, it had the potential to be so fun...if Pogo was going to stay in his camper all day that was...he was a good boss but sometimes he was a prick. Of course...the boss you'd had before switching companies had been a prick too...but his company had been shady at best and when you'd joined at sixteen you'd fit in just fine, but when you'd come here you'd been knocked down a few pegs and it had humbled you to what you were now. You run your hands through your hair a few times before you slide off the end of the bed and pick up a pair of shorts and a shirt that had seen better days...set up wasn't exactly a place you wanted to wear nice clothes. You cross through the bathroom and into the main area of your small home, pulling on your clothes slowly, partly because you're not quite awake and partly because it's dark as shit and despite the fact you'd owned this little piece of heaven for a good three or so years now...you still couldn't remember where the fuck the lights were. After running into the countertop a few times trying to pull your shorts on with some semblance of grace you scowl and button them, throwing on your shirt and using your phone as a light to get to the door. You sigh when you can feel the weight of your wallet in your back pocket...when you got free time, you really needed to visit a laundromat. You step outside and feel a chill run up your back before you get used to the cool air, it was bound to be hot as hell today but the mornings were always just so nice...you close your door and lock it before using the dim light of surrounding area to meander your way through the small camp. You're goal is coffee...a lot of it...and after some time you break out of the carnie camp and head towards the back entrance, once you make it you look around slowly before you see a gas station a few blocks away...perfect.
By the time you get back the sun is starting to make the blackness of the sky look inky blue and you can hear the birds starting to wake up slowly. As you reenter the camp you can see some lights on in various tents and campers and there are some others outside already, drinking their coffee or smoking the morning's cigarette. You get greeted by the few that are awake enough and you raise your hand at them in a silent greeting before making your way back to your own area...you have a chair leaned up against the side and with one hand you pull it out and give it a firm jerk to unfold it before you sit it down and sit in it, quiet mornings like this make you think about all the different people that are actually here right now. Unlike your first company...Pogo's outfit is pretty respectable and does good work, they have a longer season and once you'd learned the ropes to almost everything in the show he'd paid more than enough to make you never contemplate leaving...even if you got irritated with the old bastard. There were old veterans of the business as well as people around your age that were knowledgeable...even a scattering of kids that traveled with their parents, it was very much like having a large extended family in a lot of ways. You sit there for the longest time watching more people wake up and mill around as the sun starts to come up and you breath out heavily at the thought of all the things that need done today...there were only a handful of you that knew all the rides...three of you that knew rides and games well enough to work either. A few kids burst through the path between some tents, they can't be older than three or so and it makes the corner of your mouth turn up slightly, it really was a good part of the job you guessed...kids didn't smile like they did here anywhere else. You contemplate attempting to wash off a bit before everything starts going but you decide against it, you're only going to get more disgusting as the day goes on, you watch as more people start to wake up and more lights start to dot the small area you all take up. You know first and foremost you'll be responsible for setting up your baby...probably with Simon's help if anyone was falling behind, there were maybe five new people joining in on the season and this would be their first set up. You expected to running around a lot today.
By the time the sun fully comes up, everyone is dressed-more or less-and already know their routines...the only exception being the new guys who were told to follow certain workers around and help. Because time was a factor today, Pogo had told Simon that he was helping you set up your ride and while you had almost hoped to do it alone you are thankful for the help regardless. You both stand in front of the packed up bundle with your hands on your hips for what seems like forever before you start getting your plan of action together. Neither of you is very big, but it has never stopped either of you from setting up machinery that was easily five times your size...it just took some planning was all. You both look at the trailer for a long moment before movement from the other catches your attention, Simon had been finishing a cigarette as you'd made your way to your area and was now finished, flicking the last bit onto the ground in front of him.
"So..."
"So...what?"
"How is this going to work?"
You give him a sidelong glance, he's a good inch or two taller than you so you have to look up slightly. "The same way it worked last year...and the year before that...and the year before that...and-"
"OK! I get it..."
You lift your arms over your head briefly before taking off towards the trailer and climbing up the side, Simon hangs back watching you before he meanders his way to the electrical panel on the other side.
"So, how do you think this year will be?"
You pull off the straps that had been holding the ride down and toss them off the sides to the ground before pausing and looking skyward. It had been cold, rainy or just generally shitty the last few years your carnival had gone through this town but by the looks of things this year look promising.
"If it stays like this I bet Pogo will make up every cent he lost the last couple of years...usually small towns like this there ain't shit else to do..." You lean back over to tug at another strap but it doesn't budge at first so you give it a good kick with your foot. "That..and combined with the weather...I'll be surprised if we don't walk away with double what he's saying we'll get."
"No shit..."
You can hear him tinkering already and as you push the last of the ties onto the ground you stand up and look over the side at him. "You ready?"
He gives you an evil smile. "Born ready sweetheart."
_____
It was still beyond you why you had agreed to go...actually you'd had your arm twisted into it and once Ryan had his teeth in something he wouldn't let it go. So there you were, on the first night of this annual fair-which wasn't to interesting that first night anyhow but he wanted to come. You had a feeling he'd only wanted to come here to eat since that was going to be the only thing really open tonight but you weren't going to complain too much, it really was a nice night to be outside and despite the fact that you hadn't wanted to interact you felt thankful that Ryan had made you come. You had both dressed rather simply, he had on jeans and a tshirt and you'd opted for comfortable shorts and one of the many novelty shirts you'd acquired over the years. Once you two get in he makes a straight line for the area the food is in which is fine with you, you follow him and look around not really paying attention to anything in particular. There seems to be a lot more this year than last year, granted last year it had rained so badly that most of the rides had to be shut down, you didn't figure they'd done too well that year and it was honestly surprising to see them back this year...not that you really paid too much attention to what company it even was. You stop walking after you realize that you've lost Ryan in the sea of foodies and settle on standing off to the side and looking over the assortment of game booths that are clustered just down the walkway to your right, they aren't entirely put together and you can see some of the workers still working on setting up. Some games have more than one person working on them while others are entirely being put together by one person...it isn't until you notice a flash of light that you look up past it all and see the area where the rides are all muddled together. It's dark enough that the lights catch your attention but they aren't the brightest thing in the sky at that moment, you see several of the bigger rides running and tilt your head a bit. You know they're not open, probably just making sure everything is working...but you can't deny that it's hard to not look away from the light show going on.
By the time Ryan comes back you've crossed your arms over your chest and gotten comfortable where you are just watching, he looks between you and the far off area you're looking at before grabbing your arm and starting to pull you in that direction.
"Hey!...what the hell?"
"If you're going to stare at the pretty lights why not do it in that area?"
You open your mouth to give him a snarky response but feel your face heat up a bit when you realize you don't actually have one, so you let him lead you through sporadic groups of people. You'd never been big on people...you'd actually strived for most of your adult life to minimize interactions with them in general, so it was a mystery to you how Ryan and you got to be such good friends. He was the quintessential social butterfly, there was literally no one he wouldn't talk to...you on the other hand barely said a word to anyone and even when they were friends you still didn't talk much. A lot of people either took your silence as being a doormat they could walk all over or they took it as you being an snobby bitch, then there had been Ryan. He'd come up to you your second or third day of work and started chatting your ear off, at first it had been annoying but the more days you'd worked with him the more you'd grown fond of hearing his ridiculous stories and partaking in his surprisingly blunt and sometimes dark sense of humor...honestly speaking if he wasn't batting for the other team you would have loved to have dated him, but it just wasn't in the cards. It hadn't been for damn near three years. That was a topic for another day though, you get snapped back into reality when you feel Ryan stop walking and suddenly you're aware of the fact that not only had he taken you to where the rides were you were standing practically smack in the middle of them.
All of the rides are lit up and some are actually running still, you can see a handful of workers standing around one of them though and despite all the dazzling lights your attention keeps going back to the group of people. It's a group of maybe four or six of them and they all seem to be scratching their heads at something, two of them are leaned over something and from the distance you can't tell if they're looking or actively trying to fix something or not. Ryan is oblivious to it all as you keep watching, suddenly more entertained by this than what you had been. One of the shorter men squats down next to the two that have their heads buried underneath the platform before he nods and proceeds to climb over the railing and stand by the controls, you watch as one of the men that had been leaned over stands up and climbs over the railing as well, instead of heading to the controls he walks towards one of the pods. You watch with a strange fascination as he climbs on top of the pod and-from the looks of it at least-holds on carefully, you hear one of them yell something inaudible over the noise and the pods move taking him to the top of the ride which is enough to give you a shiver of your own because fuck that was high as hell. Ryan is now also watching with about the same look on his face as you have...both of you feel like you're watching some kind of thriller and are waiting on what happens next. You see him move carefully so that he's now climbing on the main arm of the ride ducking his head behind the belt that runs the length of it, he yells down at one of the men and after a few moments the one on the ground yells back. You have no idea what they're saying but it's not lost on you that there is something wrong and from the way the other men are standing around a bit nervously you have to wonder if this is something that the man up on the tower should even be doing. Surely at least he had to have some sort of harness or something...anything to keep him from falling what was probably three or four stories at least...
The man at the control watches him as well before another burst of yelling breaks out, you watch them move the ride around as slowly as it can go and when the main arm is parallel with the ground you can make out the man up above standing up fully, his hands on his hips and what you're sure is a look of irritation, though its hard to tell from down on the ground. He turns around and after what seems like a few minutes he moves down the length of the arm and holds onto one of the pod's caging before the ride starts up fully, as it turns over you watch him jump off when it gets close to the platform, not even phased by any of it.
"That was fucking intense."
"No bullshit there..."
"I mean...he could've died."
"He didn't though so..."
Ryan is quiet for a bit before he speaks up again. "I'd sure like to get to know him."
The comment makes you laugh harder than you mean to and it echos so loudly that a few of the men turn to look over at you, including the one Ryan had been talking about. He looks to be tallish, and like the majority of the group he's standing with he seems to be a bit slight though from the feat you just watched you doubt he's as weak as he looks. You can't make out much detail other than his dark hair and what looks like a amused smile before you tug on Ryan's arm hard and mutter something about needing to leave.
The whole way home, Ryan goes on and on about they dark haired acrobat, you tune most of it out though. You'd been embarrassed initially...you'd laughed and it was the fact that they'd heard that made you feel that way, but if that was the case why were you agreeing with Ryan about a lot of the points he was making.
"How the hell did you even make out anything other than hair color...it was dark!" You look at him with your brows furrowed. "I call bullshit missy."
"Call bullshit all you want, he was cute...the lot of them were."
"So now you saw all of them?"
"Honey I'm not a fan of orgies but I think i could be convinced if they were the ones doing it." He laughs loudly. "How could you not see how fucking cute they were?"
"Maybe I wasn't paying attention..."
"Uh huh..."
"Besides, they're not the kind of people I'd normally think about for that kind of thing..."
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Don't make me pull this car over and bitch slap you."
"Because they're carnival workers...not the type you want to hook up with Ryan."
You don't have to be looking at him to see the look he's giving you. "When did you become so judgmental?"
"I'm not."
"Carnies are people too Sky."
"I am not having this conversation with you."
"You most certainly are. You can't tell me that if one of those sexy bastards showed an interest in getting in your pants you wouldn't take them up on it?"
"No. Not even remotely."
"Even if it was best case scenario? Clean, condom, quickie?"
"No."
"Mhm..."
You turn your head and look at him, he's giving you a skeptical look. "What?"
"Nothing...other than the fact you're a liar."
"Ok...we'll come back tomorrow in the daylight...I bet you that they aren't even that good looking once you can see them clearly."
He snorts. "I'll take that bet...maybe you'll get you some."
You don't answer him instead you cross your arms and sigh inwardly...you couldn't deny to yourself that you were curious now.
__________
People didn't usually come to this side of the grounds on the first day...there was nothing to do unless of course they were just watching, which you were used to. Tobbe had been stuck with this ride for three years now...and each year something went wrong with it, usually something he couldn't fix himself so you all would gang around the thing and try and figure out what it was this year, as a matter of fact there was a running bet every year as to what would go wrong. Two years in a row you'd lost fifty dollars to Martin but this year Simon had gotten your money, fucker. It wasn't unusual to climb on the rides at night, of course that was when Pogo wasn't around...if he'd seen the stunt you pulled earlier he would've had your ass tanned and mounted in his trailer after he fired you. You all did a lot of things you weren't supposed to do, but usually you could get the job done fast and correctly which excluded the use of the safety equipment...or it could take the extra time to put it all on and hook up the lines and take that much longer to set up a ride...most if not all of you chose the former option. The new guys weren't given a choice though, not that their rides were as hard to put up...most of them had kiddie rides and those were a breeze compared to some of the other complicated pieces. With Simon's help it had only taken about three hours to get your baby up and running...the rest of your night had been spent going from ride to ride to check up and help...or just to bother.
Once you'd gotten back on the ground you'd talked with Martin and Tobbe about what exactly had gone wrong this time...and you'd been about to make a point of telling Tobbe to tell Pogo the next time it happened when a loud laugh had drawn all of your attention to the two people standing in the middle of the ride area. The benefit of standing where you were was that you had a very clear view of the two of them while they had a mostly obscured view of all of you...the lights were just too darn bright sometimes. You had a very strange feeling about the guy...probably the way he was eyeing Aksel and Martin but the girl he was with looked utterly mortified and though it seemed to be a long time of awkward staring between groups it probably had only been a handful of seconds before she tugged on the guy's arm and they went to leave. From your view she wasn't at all bad looking...then again there were a lot of girls that were attractive in your 19 years in this job...a younger you would've resolved to find her the next time she was here and try to at least get a blowjob out of her. You weren't that young anymore though and quite honestly you'd lost interest in chasing tail at the towns you went to, that wasn't to say you didn't appreciate a pretty face or nice body when you saw one though. She definitely had both going for her from what you saw...you get drawn out of your thoughts by Simon and after some discussion you all conclude that the ride shouldn't fail again this week...though after it's packed up it would be hard to tell...you aren't really paying attention though, you've distracted yourself by the thought of a blowjob and you sigh inwardly in annoyance because it's been far too long since you'd even gotten that. A small part of you really hopes that you'll see her again though...maybe in the daylight this time...even if there is a snowballs chance of it happening.