I'm staring in the mirror looking back at the person i hate
I feel so incredibly beyond pissed off right now and it's at myself and the world and my father and just GAH I'm angry, there's no real reason for it except for the fact that my skin's crawling and I want to burn myself but my hand's are shaking so bad it's even hard to type and I managed two burns before I couldn't do anything else. And even fucking saying that, putting it out here on the journal that I hurt myself makes me feel pissed at myself and my brain scream at me that I'm being an attention whore when I just need to vent somehow and maybe have people say "I know what that feels like." Or "It'll be okay" or just something comforting so that I can just NOT FEEL THE WAY I DO because it's shitty and I hate it and I need help somehow. My psychiatrist was supposed to refer me to counseling so I had a way to do that but he never did and that makes me feel like I'm just another paycheck to him, I'm not important enough for him to do the things he's supposed to.
And I guess I can say all this stuff on my livejournal because while I like the people on my friends list? I don't have to see any of you in person. I don't have to see any pity in your eyes or worry that I'm gonna walk up behind you talking to someone about what an attention whore I am. That makes me feel infinitely better about sharing anything.
I've told my mom my brain's still fucked up and I need to see the psych but she just asks if I'm taking my meds right(which I am) then asks if I eat with my meds and I have to say "I'm trying." because every time I eat something my brain screams and screams and screams at me that I shouldn't be eating, that I'm fat, that i did something wrong and don't deserve food or just that there's something wrong with eating and I. Can't. Make. It. Stop. no matter how much I try. I've had people say "well just eat." when I've told them I struggle with an eating disorder but it's not that simple and right now it's just getting progressively worse and worse. I eat a small amount for dinner because I'm forced to and if my mom pays attention I end up with an instant breakfast in the morning. And even just that little bit has had me going into the bathroom and shoving my fingers or a toothbrush down my throat until I can get rid of at least a little bit of it.
And I don't know what to fuckin do. I feel lost and confused and like I'm just falling apart into psychoticness and it's just a really shitty feeling. I've had (ignorant)people tell me to just think differently or think about different things but it's not that easy, the thoughts just happen. It's like I've got this evil little voice in my head that says all this negative stuff and I can't make it stop.
Like right now I'm fuckin twitching and my head's spinning and I just have to get at least some of the thoughts in my head out or else I feel like I'll explode. I took my anxiety meds but they haven't seemed to help.
And I don't know if any of this post made sense, but I needed to get it off my chest.
And I guess I can say all this stuff on my livejournal because while I like the people on my friends list? I don't have to see any of you in person. I don't have to see any pity in your eyes or worry that I'm gonna walk up behind you talking to someone about what an attention whore I am. That makes me feel infinitely better about sharing anything.
I've told my mom my brain's still fucked up and I need to see the psych but she just asks if I'm taking my meds right(which I am) then asks if I eat with my meds and I have to say "I'm trying." because every time I eat something my brain screams and screams and screams at me that I shouldn't be eating, that I'm fat, that i did something wrong and don't deserve food or just that there's something wrong with eating and I. Can't. Make. It. Stop. no matter how much I try. I've had people say "well just eat." when I've told them I struggle with an eating disorder but it's not that simple and right now it's just getting progressively worse and worse. I eat a small amount for dinner because I'm forced to and if my mom pays attention I end up with an instant breakfast in the morning. And even just that little bit has had me going into the bathroom and shoving my fingers or a toothbrush down my throat until I can get rid of at least a little bit of it.
And I don't know what to fuckin do. I feel lost and confused and like I'm just falling apart into psychoticness and it's just a really shitty feeling. I've had (ignorant)people tell me to just think differently or think about different things but it's not that easy, the thoughts just happen. It's like I've got this evil little voice in my head that says all this negative stuff and I can't make it stop.
Like right now I'm fuckin twitching and my head's spinning and I just have to get at least some of the thoughts in my head out or else I feel like I'll explode. I took my anxiety meds but they haven't seemed to help.
And I don't know if any of this post made sense, but I needed to get it off my chest.