In this episode, Alex considers dropping out of college
WARNING: Winy, winy self-absorbed mularkey ahead
As of today, I have about $1,400 of previously unforeseen debt to pay by August 6th. This is due mostly to me being an idiot who doesn't understand the student loan system. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal - if I work my current job and nothing catastrophic happens in the next month and a half, I can pay that off, my rent, and have a little left over to help bring down the ol' credit card. Life might be a little tight next semester, but that's the way these things go.
The question is: is this the way these things have to go?
This is going to sound hilarious to some, but the idea of not going to college/not graduating college is akin in my mind to:
meth addiction
being stupid
not being a good human being
My parents are obviously exempt from being this way in my mind, and this is obviously incredibly closed-minded of me. Of course very intelligent people never go to college, and the inverse has been proven true to me for three years running now: morons go to college. Not just morons, super morons. Not just super morons, the lowest of the low go to college. Troglodytes, Mongoloids, Frat boys. These people go to college not because they want to pursue anything academically, but because either 1) they want a specific job or 2)their parents have such an embarrassment of wealth that the figure they have nothing better to do than to go to college.
My problem is this: somewhere in the last two years, I lost my joy for education. I no longer want to learn about decontructionism or Bertolt Brecht or the further intricacies of the French language. I want out. This reminds me of my older sister, who often referred to her senior year at college (her fifth) as simply "going through the motions". However, my sister was in a discipline that leads to a career; I am not. It enhances the ability for a career, to be sure - any degree does.
This is the part where it the wires of the roads where life can lead sort of combine in a jumble, creating a crow's nest, a cat's cradle, and the feeling I had that one time I drank Silver Wolf vodka (protip: NEVER DRINK SILVER WOLF VODKA). I know I don't need a lot of money to live. I know I don't specifically want a lot of money. I want to write, mostly. I want to write and be involved with arts and music and basically do that sort of jumble, which I don't think requires a whole lot of money. A steady job of more than $25,000 would probably accomplish everything I needed (rent, food, clothing, car insurance, entertainment, etc.). I don't really live a complicated enough life to ask for much more than that. What would complicate my life is paying $30,000 of students loans (the $18,000 or so I've already racked up is complicated enough). So, therefore, I honestly believe I could live a life that was fulfilling to me if I dropped out of college.
However,
this is right now. Knowing me, I can honestly assume that three weeks/months/years after I make this decision I could be looking back on it with massive regret. I regret everything I do. My life is a giant ball of expletives leading back to that initial "fuck, I was born." I've made at least five decisions in the last month that I regret completely. This probably would not be any different. I would be working some menial job ten years from now, thinking back to all those just lovely times I had back at school and how I should go back but I can't because of my four kids and toothless wife. Also I would have lost a leg and be called stumpy.
What has been forwarding this question in my mind since probably halfway through my Sophomore year is, simply, what is the point? I see a tunnel at the end of next year that has no light, no prize, no path clear or even a path in general that requires a degree to unlock. Everything that I want as my dream job (writer, performer) involves personal initiative and not necessarily professionally-honed skills (or, at least the honing can be done on my own). All I see at the end of four years is a degree that represents a career spent wasting time, delaying work, missing chances and struggling fruitlessly. The fun part of college is over for me; it's been over since about November 2006. Simply put: my Senior Year resembles work that I pay for. No personal benefit, no exponentially great monetary benefit in the long run - just a job that will cost me thousands of dollars over the years.
If you read this far, thanks. I have finally decided to use this damn thing to actually voice a personal opinion/problem of some sort. Like a journal that's ALIVE. I simply needed some way to get all this junk out.
As of today, I have about $1,400 of previously unforeseen debt to pay by August 6th. This is due mostly to me being an idiot who doesn't understand the student loan system. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal - if I work my current job and nothing catastrophic happens in the next month and a half, I can pay that off, my rent, and have a little left over to help bring down the ol' credit card. Life might be a little tight next semester, but that's the way these things go.
The question is: is this the way these things have to go?
This is going to sound hilarious to some, but the idea of not going to college/not graduating college is akin in my mind to:
meth addiction
being stupid
not being a good human being
My parents are obviously exempt from being this way in my mind, and this is obviously incredibly closed-minded of me. Of course very intelligent people never go to college, and the inverse has been proven true to me for three years running now: morons go to college. Not just morons, super morons. Not just super morons, the lowest of the low go to college. Troglodytes, Mongoloids, Frat boys. These people go to college not because they want to pursue anything academically, but because either 1) they want a specific job or 2)their parents have such an embarrassment of wealth that the figure they have nothing better to do than to go to college.
My problem is this: somewhere in the last two years, I lost my joy for education. I no longer want to learn about decontructionism or Bertolt Brecht or the further intricacies of the French language. I want out. This reminds me of my older sister, who often referred to her senior year at college (her fifth) as simply "going through the motions". However, my sister was in a discipline that leads to a career; I am not. It enhances the ability for a career, to be sure - any degree does.
This is the part where it the wires of the roads where life can lead sort of combine in a jumble, creating a crow's nest, a cat's cradle, and the feeling I had that one time I drank Silver Wolf vodka (protip: NEVER DRINK SILVER WOLF VODKA). I know I don't need a lot of money to live. I know I don't specifically want a lot of money. I want to write, mostly. I want to write and be involved with arts and music and basically do that sort of jumble, which I don't think requires a whole lot of money. A steady job of more than $25,000 would probably accomplish everything I needed (rent, food, clothing, car insurance, entertainment, etc.). I don't really live a complicated enough life to ask for much more than that. What would complicate my life is paying $30,000 of students loans (the $18,000 or so I've already racked up is complicated enough). So, therefore, I honestly believe I could live a life that was fulfilling to me if I dropped out of college.
However,
this is right now. Knowing me, I can honestly assume that three weeks/months/years after I make this decision I could be looking back on it with massive regret. I regret everything I do. My life is a giant ball of expletives leading back to that initial "fuck, I was born." I've made at least five decisions in the last month that I regret completely. This probably would not be any different. I would be working some menial job ten years from now, thinking back to all those just lovely times I had back at school and how I should go back but I can't because of my four kids and toothless wife. Also I would have lost a leg and be called stumpy.
What has been forwarding this question in my mind since probably halfway through my Sophomore year is, simply, what is the point? I see a tunnel at the end of next year that has no light, no prize, no path clear or even a path in general that requires a degree to unlock. Everything that I want as my dream job (writer, performer) involves personal initiative and not necessarily professionally-honed skills (or, at least the honing can be done on my own). All I see at the end of four years is a degree that represents a career spent wasting time, delaying work, missing chances and struggling fruitlessly. The fun part of college is over for me; it's been over since about November 2006. Simply put: my Senior Year resembles work that I pay for. No personal benefit, no exponentially great monetary benefit in the long run - just a job that will cost me thousands of dollars over the years.
If you read this far, thanks. I have finally decided to use this damn thing to actually voice a personal opinion/problem of some sort. Like a journal that's ALIVE. I simply needed some way to get all this junk out.