Not a bad start at all, although I can see a few things that may (or may not - I am not the God of Poems & Dedications, after all) increase the strength of this little composition.
1.) In your third stanza, you stumble upon a repetitive motif that I think all the stanzas should adopt -- "stare at the burning sun/stare until you are blinded." Stare. Earlier, the first line in each prior stanza was "Live," not a bad motif to open every stanza over the course of the poem (save the final stanza), but that is slightly more obvious and cheesy. If you could somehow create three stanzas that follow that repeated opening word -- "Live, Live" then "Feel, Feel," for instance -- I think the final stanza, which drastically alters the sensory patterns of the first three, would hit like a thick brick.
2.) You most likely don't care and I bet I'm coming off like a smarmy jerkass. I'm sorry. Nevermind.
Comments 1
Not a bad start at all, although I can see a few things that may (or may not - I am not the God of Poems & Dedications, after all) increase the strength of this little composition.
1.) In your third stanza, you stumble upon a repetitive motif that I think all the stanzas should adopt -- "stare at the burning sun/stare until you are blinded." Stare. Earlier, the first line in each prior stanza was "Live," not a bad motif to open every stanza over the course of the poem (save the final stanza), but that is slightly more obvious and cheesy. If you could somehow create three stanzas that follow that repeated opening word -- "Live, Live" then "Feel, Feel," for instance -- I think the final stanza, which drastically alters the sensory patterns of the first three, would hit like a thick brick.
2.) You most likely don't care and I bet I'm coming off like a smarmy jerkass. I'm sorry. Nevermind.
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