Fic: Revenge
This is how I dealt with "Never Been Kissed."
“Okay, seriously?” Mercedes spit, once Puck and Artie had left. “What the hell was that mess?”
“Relax, Weezy. It’s all under control,” Santana replied calmly, picking the sequins off her pants.
“Well, I would certainly hope that two confident young women such as yourselves would not actually be charmed by such a revolting-not to mention degrading-display,” Rachel piped up.
“I said it’s under control,” Santana repeated, glancing at Brittany, who gave her a quick smile.
“You got some kind of revenge plot going on?” Mercedes asked skeptically.
“Mind your business,” was all Santana would say.
“Do you?” Tina pressed, and both Santana and Brittany turned to look at her.
“We want in,” Quinn said casually, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
A slow smile spread across Santana’s face. “You want in, hm? We’ll see what we can do.”
“Wait. I know what they just did was incredibly rude and totally uncalled for, but what, exactly, are you going to do?” Rachel worried.
“Did I stutter? I said mind your business, Man Hands.”
“Oh, shut up, Santana. If you do anything stupid and get caught and punished, you’ll endanger this club’s chances at all future competitions!”
“Stop shrieking, Rachel,” Quinn said. “Whatever Santana has planned, Puck and Artie have it
coming to them.”
“I do fail to see how anything other than a verbal reprimand is appropriate here,” Rachel said warily. “What do you all know that I don’t?”
“A lot,” Quinn muttered, and Santana smirked at her. Quinn raised an eyebrow in return.
“Are you two done making faces? Please explain to me what is going on. If there is unfriendly feeling among us, we need to fix it.”
“So we can win Sectionals, right, Rachel?” Santana said emotionlessly.
“Naturally.”
“Mmm.”
“Santana, will you just spit it out?” Rachel demanded. “I’m tired of this!”
“Hmm, well, Artie practically accused Brittany of raping him last week, and instead of apologizing, he decided to do what you just saw. And Puck, well.” Santana glanced at Quinn, who practically snarled at her. “Puck’s the one who told him to behave that way,” she finished.
“And Artie treated me like dirt when we were dating-and for some reason, it’s my fault that I didn’t think he was a good enough boyfriend,” Tina piped up.
Rachel sighed. “All right, well. Obviously neither of them learned anything from Mr. Schue’s Madonna lesson about respecting women.”
“What about Finn?” Brittany asked suddenly, and Santana tried to get her to shut up.
“What about Finn?” Rachel replied.
“Well,” Brittany said slowly, “he slept with Santana-”
“Britt!” Santana coughed, too late, as Rachel’s entire face just crumpled.
Mercedes and Tina stared at Santana. Quinn stared at her feet. Brittany watched Rachel try not to cry and realized she should not have said anything.
“Santana. Is this true?” Rachel asked, regaining her composure.
“Yeah, it’s true,” Santana sighed. “Look, you were with Jesse-what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal,” Rachel said, clenching her jaw, “is that when I asked him, he said he had been unable to go through with it, because you weren’t the right person to share his first time.”
“Oh, jesus christ.”
“Also, I recently told him I hadn’t slept with Jesse, as I may have led him to believe, and he still didn’t tell me he’d slept with you.”
This was too much. Santana had not signed on to deal with everyone’s boy problems. Brittany’s were enough. “All right, all right, I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” she said, and Mercedes gasped.
“Was that an apology? From Santana Lopez?”
“Shut up!” Santana shouted, standing up. “Enough. Juno, Elvira, Britt will be in touch with you. I have to go.”
“Sit down,” Quinn ordered, and Santana almost instinctively obeyed her. Instead, she chose to stand and wait to hear what Quinn had to say. “Listen, the boys have all been morons and treated us badly, and really, it’s just time we stop putting up with it.”
“Except for Mike,” Tina couldn’t help but say, and Quinn rolled her eyes.
“Don’t make faces, Quinn. Mike is really nice,” Brittany insisted.
“Yeah, actually, he is,” Santana admitted.
“Okay, okay, we all know Mike is great,” Quinn said. “Puck and Artie are not.”
“What about Sam?” Brittany asked.
“Sam is pretty. That’s about it,” Quinn replied, and Santana chuckled.
“Good for you, Q.”
“And are we teaching Finn a lesson too?” Brittany continued. “I mean, he’s made Rachel cry a lot.”
“Yeah, and you two helped,” Rachel snotted.
“Yes, well. We’ve learned our lesson,” Santana said, exasperated. “Also, Rachel, let me do you a favor. Don’t waste your time. The sex was terrible.”
“There are more important things than sex, Santana.”
“No there aren’t,” Santana said flatly.
“Did I say we were done fighting, or not?” Quinn spoke up.
“You didn’t,” Brittany said helpfully, and Quinn heaved the world’s biggest sigh.
“Don’t give her shit,” Santana shot. “You didn’t.”
“Well, I meant to,” Quinn muttered. “Anyway. We’re done fighting with each other. We’ve all done shitty things to each other, and I propose we put a stop to it.”
“That’s very noble,” Santana said archly.
“Shut up. You and I worked our issues out.”
“Hm.”
“You did?” Tina asked incredulously.
“Yes,” Quinn and Santana said together, and suddenly no one had any desire to ask how, exactly, they had done that.
“All right, in the interest of me getting the hell out of here as soon as possible, one, I accept Quinn’s proposal that the six of us stop fighting. At least fighting over guys, anyway,” Santana said, winking at Mercedes, who rolled her eyes but laughed. “Second, Britt and I will go out with Puck and Artie tomorrow night. We will make them think we’re totally into them, no matter what moronic things they say or do. We will make them think they’ll be getting some after dinner. They will not be. Instead, they will be stripped to their unmentionables and duct taped to the flag pole to be found-and hopefully laughed at-by whichever nerd shows up for school earliest. Any. Questions.”
“How can we help?” Mercedes, Tina, and Quinn asked, all at once.
“What do you hope to accomplish here?” Rachel asked instead.
“I don’t know, I figured it would, one, humiliate them, and two, show them that we’re not going to put up with their bullshit,” Santana retorted.
“Won’t that just make them mad at you? How will this solve the problem of ill feeling among us?”
“Who cares. They have it coming. And if they don’t want to come back to glee club, I will find two more guys who will.”
“Really. You will?”
“Rachel Berry, I give you my word that I will.”
“Then, if there’s anything I can do to aid you in this plan, I am at your service, Santana,” Rachel said smartly.
Santana stood before the five of them, all suddenly quite eager to teach the boys a thing or two, and a slow, triumphant smirk spread across her face.
***
“Are you all right?” Brittany worried, rubbing Santana’s shoulders as they stood in front of the bathroom sinks. “You only ate one breadstick.”
“Fine. I’m fine,” Santana murmured, trying to let Brittany’s touch soothe her.
But Puck was in rare douchebag form tonight, and pretending to love every word falling from his whore lips was seriously exhausting. Plus, watching Brittany fawn all over Artie, even if it was just for show, was really starting to wear on her. “Are you all right?” she asked, realizing maybe Brittany felt the same way about watching her with Puck.
“Fine,” Brittany promised, and kissed her temple. She smiled encouragingly, and Santana grinned weakly back. “This was a really good plan, San. And it was fun, letting the other girls help.”
“Yeah, who knew Rachel was a knot-tying savant? Now I don’t have to waste the handcuffs,” Santana said slyly, and Brittany giggled. “You ready? Q says they’re in position,” she said, checking her phone.
“Let’s do this,” Brittany said confidently, and they went to rejoin their charming dinner companions.
***
“Rachel, just because a third of the glee cub is together right now does not mean we have to rehearse!” Quinn said, exasperated.
“But it would be a very productive use of the time while Santana and Brittany complete phase one of the plan,” Rachel insisted.
“The night air is not good for our voices,” Tina piped up.
“Yeah, Julie Andrews said so in The Sound of Music,” Quinn said. “Don’t tell me you think you know better than Julie Andrews.”
Rachel opened and closed her mouth a few times, looking like a dying fish, and the other three girls snickered. “Fine,” she conceded, crossing her arms. “But if you think we’re ready for Sectionals right now, you are mistaken.”
***
Puck almost threw a wrench in their plans by refusing to pay, but Santana punched him and paid herself, and instead of being upset, he actually started to look a little turned on. She tried not to vomit. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” she said suggestively, and he nodded.
The four of them left together, and then there was a bit of a struggle to get Artie in the car and his wheelchair in the flatbed that almost ruined everyone’s mood, but finally they were on their way away from the restaurant.
“You know where I’ve always wanted to do it?” Santana asked, sliding her hand up Puck’s leg as he drove. “The football field.”
“Really?” he asked skeptically, glancing down at her hand on his jeans.
“Mmhmm,” she murmured, her breath hot on his neck, and the way he squirmed in his seat told her he’d do whatever she wanted.
“Whatever you say, doll,” Puck said, taking the left turn that would bring them to the high school.
“The football field?” Artie spoke up from behind them. “But it’s so…dirty. And cold. And…open.”
“Dude, shut up,” Puck growled, jumping as Santana’s hand slid dangerously farther up his leg. “Hmm, you’re eager. Can’t wait for what Puckzilla has to give you, huh?”
“I totally can’t,” Santana whispered, sliding even closer to him on the bench seat.
“This seems like a terrible idea,” Artie worried. The other three ignored him.
***
“All right, that’s Puck’s truck,” Quinn observed. “Are we ready?”
“Ready!” Mercedes and Tina replied.
“I believe I am prepared, yes.”
“Ugh. Rachel, it would have only taken one simple word,” Quinn complained.
“You’re just jealous of my extensive vocabulary.”
“Oh, yes. Very.”
“You two are adorable,” Tina teased.
“Shhh,” Quinn ordered. “Get into position.”
***
Puck and Artie never saw it coming. One minute they were totally making out with the two hottest girls in the school as they stumbled past the front entrance, and the next, they were being jumped by four other people, thrown to the ground, and unceremoniously divested of most of their clothing.
“What the!” Puck cried, but there was a knee on his back, and his hands were tied. He tried to kick his assailant, but his legs were almost immediately immobilized as well.
“Help me here, Santana,” came a familiar voice, and Puck’s anger rose.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he shouted, but no one answered, as he was dragged across the pavement and secured, despite his struggling, to the flag pole.
“Impressive, Rachel,” Quinn observed.
“Thank you!”
“Rachel?” Puck spit in disbelief.
“Puck was somewhat more difficult to secure,” Rachel went on.
“Yeah, well, it’s hard to fight back when your legs don’t work,” Artie said bitterly, and as Puck looked around, he realized Mercedes and Tina were there as well, gathering Artie’s clothes.
Quinn was holding his own bundle of clothes and glaring at him. “You crazy fucking bitches!” he roared, tugging at his restraints.
“That’s riiiiight,” Santana drawled.
“The ground is cold,” Artie muttered, and Tina prodded his leg with her toe.
“No talking.”
“Now, you morons, I hope you use this time to think long and hard about what you’ve done. Artie, Brittany didn’t do anything to you. She offered to have sex with you, and you said yes-all your hangups have nothing to do with her. Maybe tomorrow she’ll let you apologize for being such an inconsiderate, rude, whiny little shit.”
“Maybe,” Brittany said, scowling at him. Quinn and Rachel, standing beside the two girls, had to bite back laughs. Not that this was funny, exactly, but Brittany trying to be intimidating was more adorable than threatening.
“And what about me? What have I done?” Puck yelled.
“Shut up, Noah. You know exactly what you’ve done,” Santana said coldly, and she looked at Quinn. Puck bit his lip.
“And you tried to turn Artie into you,” Santana added thoughtfully. “You’re making everyone at this school worse.”
“Fuck you.”
“Mmm, not anymore, Noah,” she said, pursing her lips, and Brittany grinned.
“Gentlemen. Have a nice evening,” Rachel said, deciding they’d done enough. “We’ll see you at school. Ladies?” She offered her arm to Tina, who smiled and took it, and Mercedes and Quinn followed them out to the parking lot.
“Look, we get it, we were dicks,” Puck said, his voice turning into a whine. “You can’t leave us here all night!”
“Oh, but we can. See you later,” Santana said cheerfully, taking pleasure in the fact that Puck was clearly beginning to panic. She tugged on Brittany’s arm, and Brittany scowled at the boys one last time before leaving, arm in arm with Santana.
“We were pretty awful to the girls,” Artie said, once he and Puck had been left alone.
“Fuck you, man.”
“Puck, come on. This bad boy stuff obviously doesn’t work. I mean, I was awful to Tina, and she ditched me for Mike Chang. You were awful to Quinn, and now she’s with Sam. And you were awful to Santana, and I was awful to Brittany, and now I think they’re actually together.”
“Abrams. Shut the hell up.”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
***
Adding to their mortification, the next morning it was Coach Beiste who found them first. “What is this? And where are your clothes?” she demanded.
“Um.”
“Who did this?”
“We’d really rather not say, Coach,” Artie gulped.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t. Whatever you did, don’t do it again.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Artie said. Puck just sulked.
“Good.” And Coach kept walking.
“Uh, Coach! A little help?” Artie called feebly.
“See you at practice, Abrams,” she replied, and his heart sank.
“People are going to start showing up soon,” he muttered to Puck. “Can’t you get out of it?”
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do all night? Rachel is some kind of knot-tying savant.”
“Shit,” Artie said, beginning to panic. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Shut up!” Puck yelled, tugging against the knots for the thousandth time.
“You’re really very charming, you know that?” Artie said, frowning at him.
“I will lock you in the port-a-potty again.”
“Yup. Charming.”
“Shut up.”
Before twenty minutes had gone by, there was a crowd of jeering, pointing students. And every single one of them had undoubtedly taken a picture of the surprise display with their phones. His jaw set, Puck scanned the crowd until he found them-all six of them-standing at the edge and gazing impassively at their victims. “Bitches,” he muttered, defeated.
“Okay, seriously?” Mercedes spit, once Puck and Artie had left. “What the hell was that mess?”
“Relax, Weezy. It’s all under control,” Santana replied calmly, picking the sequins off her pants.
“Well, I would certainly hope that two confident young women such as yourselves would not actually be charmed by such a revolting-not to mention degrading-display,” Rachel piped up.
“I said it’s under control,” Santana repeated, glancing at Brittany, who gave her a quick smile.
“You got some kind of revenge plot going on?” Mercedes asked skeptically.
“Mind your business,” was all Santana would say.
“Do you?” Tina pressed, and both Santana and Brittany turned to look at her.
“We want in,” Quinn said casually, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
A slow smile spread across Santana’s face. “You want in, hm? We’ll see what we can do.”
“Wait. I know what they just did was incredibly rude and totally uncalled for, but what, exactly, are you going to do?” Rachel worried.
“Did I stutter? I said mind your business, Man Hands.”
“Oh, shut up, Santana. If you do anything stupid and get caught and punished, you’ll endanger this club’s chances at all future competitions!”
“Stop shrieking, Rachel,” Quinn said. “Whatever Santana has planned, Puck and Artie have it
coming to them.”
“I do fail to see how anything other than a verbal reprimand is appropriate here,” Rachel said warily. “What do you all know that I don’t?”
“A lot,” Quinn muttered, and Santana smirked at her. Quinn raised an eyebrow in return.
“Are you two done making faces? Please explain to me what is going on. If there is unfriendly feeling among us, we need to fix it.”
“So we can win Sectionals, right, Rachel?” Santana said emotionlessly.
“Naturally.”
“Mmm.”
“Santana, will you just spit it out?” Rachel demanded. “I’m tired of this!”
“Hmm, well, Artie practically accused Brittany of raping him last week, and instead of apologizing, he decided to do what you just saw. And Puck, well.” Santana glanced at Quinn, who practically snarled at her. “Puck’s the one who told him to behave that way,” she finished.
“And Artie treated me like dirt when we were dating-and for some reason, it’s my fault that I didn’t think he was a good enough boyfriend,” Tina piped up.
Rachel sighed. “All right, well. Obviously neither of them learned anything from Mr. Schue’s Madonna lesson about respecting women.”
“What about Finn?” Brittany asked suddenly, and Santana tried to get her to shut up.
“What about Finn?” Rachel replied.
“Well,” Brittany said slowly, “he slept with Santana-”
“Britt!” Santana coughed, too late, as Rachel’s entire face just crumpled.
Mercedes and Tina stared at Santana. Quinn stared at her feet. Brittany watched Rachel try not to cry and realized she should not have said anything.
“Santana. Is this true?” Rachel asked, regaining her composure.
“Yeah, it’s true,” Santana sighed. “Look, you were with Jesse-what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal,” Rachel said, clenching her jaw, “is that when I asked him, he said he had been unable to go through with it, because you weren’t the right person to share his first time.”
“Oh, jesus christ.”
“Also, I recently told him I hadn’t slept with Jesse, as I may have led him to believe, and he still didn’t tell me he’d slept with you.”
This was too much. Santana had not signed on to deal with everyone’s boy problems. Brittany’s were enough. “All right, all right, I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” she said, and Mercedes gasped.
“Was that an apology? From Santana Lopez?”
“Shut up!” Santana shouted, standing up. “Enough. Juno, Elvira, Britt will be in touch with you. I have to go.”
“Sit down,” Quinn ordered, and Santana almost instinctively obeyed her. Instead, she chose to stand and wait to hear what Quinn had to say. “Listen, the boys have all been morons and treated us badly, and really, it’s just time we stop putting up with it.”
“Except for Mike,” Tina couldn’t help but say, and Quinn rolled her eyes.
“Don’t make faces, Quinn. Mike is really nice,” Brittany insisted.
“Yeah, actually, he is,” Santana admitted.
“Okay, okay, we all know Mike is great,” Quinn said. “Puck and Artie are not.”
“What about Sam?” Brittany asked.
“Sam is pretty. That’s about it,” Quinn replied, and Santana chuckled.
“Good for you, Q.”
“And are we teaching Finn a lesson too?” Brittany continued. “I mean, he’s made Rachel cry a lot.”
“Yeah, and you two helped,” Rachel snotted.
“Yes, well. We’ve learned our lesson,” Santana said, exasperated. “Also, Rachel, let me do you a favor. Don’t waste your time. The sex was terrible.”
“There are more important things than sex, Santana.”
“No there aren’t,” Santana said flatly.
“Did I say we were done fighting, or not?” Quinn spoke up.
“You didn’t,” Brittany said helpfully, and Quinn heaved the world’s biggest sigh.
“Don’t give her shit,” Santana shot. “You didn’t.”
“Well, I meant to,” Quinn muttered. “Anyway. We’re done fighting with each other. We’ve all done shitty things to each other, and I propose we put a stop to it.”
“That’s very noble,” Santana said archly.
“Shut up. You and I worked our issues out.”
“Hm.”
“You did?” Tina asked incredulously.
“Yes,” Quinn and Santana said together, and suddenly no one had any desire to ask how, exactly, they had done that.
“All right, in the interest of me getting the hell out of here as soon as possible, one, I accept Quinn’s proposal that the six of us stop fighting. At least fighting over guys, anyway,” Santana said, winking at Mercedes, who rolled her eyes but laughed. “Second, Britt and I will go out with Puck and Artie tomorrow night. We will make them think we’re totally into them, no matter what moronic things they say or do. We will make them think they’ll be getting some after dinner. They will not be. Instead, they will be stripped to their unmentionables and duct taped to the flag pole to be found-and hopefully laughed at-by whichever nerd shows up for school earliest. Any. Questions.”
“How can we help?” Mercedes, Tina, and Quinn asked, all at once.
“What do you hope to accomplish here?” Rachel asked instead.
“I don’t know, I figured it would, one, humiliate them, and two, show them that we’re not going to put up with their bullshit,” Santana retorted.
“Won’t that just make them mad at you? How will this solve the problem of ill feeling among us?”
“Who cares. They have it coming. And if they don’t want to come back to glee club, I will find two more guys who will.”
“Really. You will?”
“Rachel Berry, I give you my word that I will.”
“Then, if there’s anything I can do to aid you in this plan, I am at your service, Santana,” Rachel said smartly.
Santana stood before the five of them, all suddenly quite eager to teach the boys a thing or two, and a slow, triumphant smirk spread across her face.
***
“Are you all right?” Brittany worried, rubbing Santana’s shoulders as they stood in front of the bathroom sinks. “You only ate one breadstick.”
“Fine. I’m fine,” Santana murmured, trying to let Brittany’s touch soothe her.
But Puck was in rare douchebag form tonight, and pretending to love every word falling from his whore lips was seriously exhausting. Plus, watching Brittany fawn all over Artie, even if it was just for show, was really starting to wear on her. “Are you all right?” she asked, realizing maybe Brittany felt the same way about watching her with Puck.
“Fine,” Brittany promised, and kissed her temple. She smiled encouragingly, and Santana grinned weakly back. “This was a really good plan, San. And it was fun, letting the other girls help.”
“Yeah, who knew Rachel was a knot-tying savant? Now I don’t have to waste the handcuffs,” Santana said slyly, and Brittany giggled. “You ready? Q says they’re in position,” she said, checking her phone.
“Let’s do this,” Brittany said confidently, and they went to rejoin their charming dinner companions.
***
“Rachel, just because a third of the glee cub is together right now does not mean we have to rehearse!” Quinn said, exasperated.
“But it would be a very productive use of the time while Santana and Brittany complete phase one of the plan,” Rachel insisted.
“The night air is not good for our voices,” Tina piped up.
“Yeah, Julie Andrews said so in The Sound of Music,” Quinn said. “Don’t tell me you think you know better than Julie Andrews.”
Rachel opened and closed her mouth a few times, looking like a dying fish, and the other three girls snickered. “Fine,” she conceded, crossing her arms. “But if you think we’re ready for Sectionals right now, you are mistaken.”
***
Puck almost threw a wrench in their plans by refusing to pay, but Santana punched him and paid herself, and instead of being upset, he actually started to look a little turned on. She tried not to vomit. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” she said suggestively, and he nodded.
The four of them left together, and then there was a bit of a struggle to get Artie in the car and his wheelchair in the flatbed that almost ruined everyone’s mood, but finally they were on their way away from the restaurant.
“You know where I’ve always wanted to do it?” Santana asked, sliding her hand up Puck’s leg as he drove. “The football field.”
“Really?” he asked skeptically, glancing down at her hand on his jeans.
“Mmhmm,” she murmured, her breath hot on his neck, and the way he squirmed in his seat told her he’d do whatever she wanted.
“Whatever you say, doll,” Puck said, taking the left turn that would bring them to the high school.
“The football field?” Artie spoke up from behind them. “But it’s so…dirty. And cold. And…open.”
“Dude, shut up,” Puck growled, jumping as Santana’s hand slid dangerously farther up his leg. “Hmm, you’re eager. Can’t wait for what Puckzilla has to give you, huh?”
“I totally can’t,” Santana whispered, sliding even closer to him on the bench seat.
“This seems like a terrible idea,” Artie worried. The other three ignored him.
***
“All right, that’s Puck’s truck,” Quinn observed. “Are we ready?”
“Ready!” Mercedes and Tina replied.
“I believe I am prepared, yes.”
“Ugh. Rachel, it would have only taken one simple word,” Quinn complained.
“You’re just jealous of my extensive vocabulary.”
“Oh, yes. Very.”
“You two are adorable,” Tina teased.
“Shhh,” Quinn ordered. “Get into position.”
***
Puck and Artie never saw it coming. One minute they were totally making out with the two hottest girls in the school as they stumbled past the front entrance, and the next, they were being jumped by four other people, thrown to the ground, and unceremoniously divested of most of their clothing.
“What the!” Puck cried, but there was a knee on his back, and his hands were tied. He tried to kick his assailant, but his legs were almost immediately immobilized as well.
“Help me here, Santana,” came a familiar voice, and Puck’s anger rose.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he shouted, but no one answered, as he was dragged across the pavement and secured, despite his struggling, to the flag pole.
“Impressive, Rachel,” Quinn observed.
“Thank you!”
“Rachel?” Puck spit in disbelief.
“Puck was somewhat more difficult to secure,” Rachel went on.
“Yeah, well, it’s hard to fight back when your legs don’t work,” Artie said bitterly, and as Puck looked around, he realized Mercedes and Tina were there as well, gathering Artie’s clothes.
Quinn was holding his own bundle of clothes and glaring at him. “You crazy fucking bitches!” he roared, tugging at his restraints.
“That’s riiiiight,” Santana drawled.
“The ground is cold,” Artie muttered, and Tina prodded his leg with her toe.
“No talking.”
“Now, you morons, I hope you use this time to think long and hard about what you’ve done. Artie, Brittany didn’t do anything to you. She offered to have sex with you, and you said yes-all your hangups have nothing to do with her. Maybe tomorrow she’ll let you apologize for being such an inconsiderate, rude, whiny little shit.”
“Maybe,” Brittany said, scowling at him. Quinn and Rachel, standing beside the two girls, had to bite back laughs. Not that this was funny, exactly, but Brittany trying to be intimidating was more adorable than threatening.
“And what about me? What have I done?” Puck yelled.
“Shut up, Noah. You know exactly what you’ve done,” Santana said coldly, and she looked at Quinn. Puck bit his lip.
“And you tried to turn Artie into you,” Santana added thoughtfully. “You’re making everyone at this school worse.”
“Fuck you.”
“Mmm, not anymore, Noah,” she said, pursing her lips, and Brittany grinned.
“Gentlemen. Have a nice evening,” Rachel said, deciding they’d done enough. “We’ll see you at school. Ladies?” She offered her arm to Tina, who smiled and took it, and Mercedes and Quinn followed them out to the parking lot.
“Look, we get it, we were dicks,” Puck said, his voice turning into a whine. “You can’t leave us here all night!”
“Oh, but we can. See you later,” Santana said cheerfully, taking pleasure in the fact that Puck was clearly beginning to panic. She tugged on Brittany’s arm, and Brittany scowled at the boys one last time before leaving, arm in arm with Santana.
“We were pretty awful to the girls,” Artie said, once he and Puck had been left alone.
“Fuck you, man.”
“Puck, come on. This bad boy stuff obviously doesn’t work. I mean, I was awful to Tina, and she ditched me for Mike Chang. You were awful to Quinn, and now she’s with Sam. And you were awful to Santana, and I was awful to Brittany, and now I think they’re actually together.”
“Abrams. Shut the hell up.”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
***
Adding to their mortification, the next morning it was Coach Beiste who found them first. “What is this? And where are your clothes?” she demanded.
“Um.”
“Who did this?”
“We’d really rather not say, Coach,” Artie gulped.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t. Whatever you did, don’t do it again.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Artie said. Puck just sulked.
“Good.” And Coach kept walking.
“Uh, Coach! A little help?” Artie called feebly.
“See you at practice, Abrams,” she replied, and his heart sank.
“People are going to start showing up soon,” he muttered to Puck. “Can’t you get out of it?”
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do all night? Rachel is some kind of knot-tying savant.”
“Shit,” Artie said, beginning to panic. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Shut up!” Puck yelled, tugging against the knots for the thousandth time.
“You’re really very charming, you know that?” Artie said, frowning at him.
“I will lock you in the port-a-potty again.”
“Yup. Charming.”
“Shut up.”
Before twenty minutes had gone by, there was a crowd of jeering, pointing students. And every single one of them had undoubtedly taken a picture of the surprise display with their phones. His jaw set, Puck scanned the crowd until he found them-all six of them-standing at the edge and gazing impassively at their victims. “Bitches,” he muttered, defeated.