CrackFic: Minions for Hire
Minions for Hire. Enquire Within.
The sign was nailed on the tavern door.
Jack Sparrow turned to his quartermaster. “Right peculiar, wouldn’t you say, Mister Gibbs?”
“Aye, Cap’n.” Gibbs nodded. “A might too peculiar, if you ask me. Don’t bode well t’all, what with us mired in this unnatural fog.”
The town did indeed lay shrouded in a thick layer of gray mist, dampness seeping through, and dripping from the dilapidated buildings that lined the streets.
Tortuga was quiet, too quiet.
“Nothing looks quite the same.” Jack peered up at the tavern sign. “Even the ol’ Bride looks different tonight.”
The Faithful Bride not only looked different. It was, in fact, missing altogether.
“The Red Dragon Inn,” Jack read the unfamiliar sign hanging over the door.
“Jack!” Gibbs exclaimed suddenly. “The Bride is gone!”
“Really?” Jack rolled his eyes.
Jack straightened his hat and opened the door. The musicians in the corner were playing a rollicking jig, and the tavern was full of drinking and laughing men, sprinkled with the usual assortment of buxom wenches.
The two pushed their way through the crowd, and managed to find a table in the back of the smoke-filled room. Jack signaled to the serving wench as he flopped down on the bench.
She came over with a surly look on her face. “What'll it be?” she asked in a brusque fashion.
Jack flashed his most engaging smile. “Bottle of rum, and none of that piss water you pass off on strangers. Tell John a bottle of his special reserve.” He winked at the woman, who scowled in reply.
“We ain’t got no John, and no ‘special reserve’. You can drink what the rest of ‘em are drinking.” She peered at him through the miasma of smoke. “Who d’ya think yer are anyways?”
Jack stood and lifted his hat with a flourish. “Who am I?” he said, arms wide. “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow, luv.”
She snorted. “Ain’t never heard of ya.” She turned with a flounce, adding over her shoulder, “And don’t be calling me luv.”
Jack’s face fell as he sank back slowly onto the bench.
“Aww, don’t be worryin’ none about her, Cap’n,” Gibbs said with an encouraging nod. “Probably just new, tis all.”
Jack didn’t answer, as he gave the receding wench a disgruntled glare. Catching sight of a flash of bright color across the room, he sat up and brightened considerably.
“Scarlett!” he smiled as the buxom redhead barreled her way across the room, her roommate Giselle hot on her heels.
Jack’s face fell again. He braced himself for the slap that he was sure to come. Instead, he was greeted by a barrage of protests.
“Jack! What is going on?” Scarlett waved to the room around them. “We’ve been told we can’t work here anymore!”
“Been replaced, they told us!" Giselle chimed in. “Said we were too obvious, what ever that means.”
“Well, obviously you are obvious,” Jack said, trying to be of help, forestalling his own confusion. “If you weren’t obvious, no one would notice you, obviously. What with you being not obvious. So obviously, you have to be obvious in order to be obvious. Savvy?”
Gibbs shook his head in openmouthed befuddlement.
“Well, do something about it!” Scarlett demanded. “You can’t just let them redo everything, can you?”
“Redo? Who’s redo? Your redo?”
Giselle stomped her foot. “All of us, Jack! You, me, Gibbs there, we are all being rewritten!”
“Well, not rewritten, exactly,” Scarlett added. “Just ‘improved’ according to that other captain.”
Just then, the musicians struck up a familiar tune and a deep baritone voice began singing along.
“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me…”
“Cap’n!” Gibbs said with a surprised look. “He’s singing your song!”
The four turned to see a tall, dark pirate captain standing atop a table, a tankard of rum in one hand.
“…We pilfer and pirate and don’t give a hoot...”
“Who’s he?” Jack groused.
Scarlett gestured towards the singing pirate with a toss of her head. “That’s Captain Steve.” She lowered his voice. “The legendary pirate captain.”
“Say’s he’s your replacement,” Giselle added with a snort.
Jack raised an eyebrow.” He’s the one rewriting the story?”
Scarlett shook her head. “No, he’s just taking your place, Jack. Has some other fellow changing things.”
“Ghost writer!” Jack said triumphantly. “I knew it!”
“Ghost writer?” Gibbs lowered his voice as he looked around nervously. “Heard tell about them, and a slippery lot they are, too,” he said in an ominous voice. “Like smoke they are, slippin’ in through the cracks of doors and windows, listening and stealin’ yer very words, right out of yer mouth.” He took a long swallow of rum. “If you believe such things.”
“Balderdash!” Jack glared across the room at the imposter pirate, who had finished his song and was now seated at a table surrounded by a bevy of glowing, scantily clad women. Jack smiled at the sight, for a moment forgetting his mission at hand, until Giselle elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
“What’da do that for?” he asked, peeved.
“Well, Jack Sparrow,” Scarlett huffed, shaking her head. “If you want to just sit there, and drink rum, while that other fellow takes your place and your ship…”
She didn’t finish before Jack was on his feet. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place, woman?” He squared his shoulders and fingered the butt of his gun. “There is only so much a man can allow to be pilfered, and me ship is not one of them.”
“Stole the Pearl,” Giselle nodded. “Renamed her the Dandy Doxie, he did.”
Jack stared open-mouthed at her. “He named her the what?”
“Dandy Doxie,” Scarlett repeated.
“And he weren’t thinkin’ none about Pierre, either,” Giselle added.
“No. Not his type.” Jack squinted at the usurper. “Pierre has discriminating tastes, you know,” Jack added, preening.
Both women rolled their eyes, while Gibbs studied the inside of his tankard.
“I’ll just go ask this perfidious rotter who he thinks he is,” Jack said and swayed his way through the raucous throng.
“I’ve got yer back,” Gibbs said, following his captain.
“It’s me front I’m worried about,” Jack answered, giving the new captain another long look. The bloody blighter was huge.
The newcomer looked up as the four approached his table, smiling widely, teeth glistening in his bearded face. “Come to apply, have ye?” he asked with a jovial gesture. “Well, make yer mark; we sail on the morning tide.”
“Sail on what?” Jack asked suspiciously.
“Me ship, the Dandy Doxie. Can’t miss her. All black with black sails.”
“That me ship you’re talking about,” Jack growled. “The Black Pearl.”
The other captain waved a dismissive hand. “Not any more. Had to rename her.”
Jack glared at the big man. “Who gave you the right to rename and commandeer me ship?” he sputtered.
“Is that legal?” Giselle asked in a puzzled voice.
“Pirate!” the stranger said with a grin. “Only took a couple of strokes of the quill and you were history, and I’m now the new legendary captain in these waters.” He shrugged and waved a hand towards a table covered with broadsheets and pamphlets. “Read for yourself.”
Scarlett picked up one of the pamphlets and read aloud. “The Exciting and Egregious Adventures of that Rogue Scoundrel Captain Stephen Kidd.”
“Why this is ridiculous!” Jack pranced back and forth in front of the other. “Who would want to read that?”
The new captain leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Apparently, a lot of people, if my sources are correct. My popularity has never been so high.”
“But, it’s all lies!” Giselle said, pointing to the broadsheet. “You’ve just taken Jack’s name off and put your name on.”
Gibbs held another sheet up. “You never did none of these things. Don’t seem right you takin’ all the credit.”
Captain Steve shrugged. “No one to stop me. Besides, the women just love all the adventure, and romance.”
A twitter of response swelled from the heaving bosoms around him.
Giselle stomped her foot. “Jack has more friends and fans than you could ever hope for.”
“That may be true,” the blaggard replied, a look of smug satisfaction on his face. “And as long as he does, I can borrow his adventures.”
“Borrowed. Without permission,” Gibbs glowered. “And with no intention of giving them back.”
“You won’t get away with this!” Scarlett exclaimed.
“I already have,” the other said calmly.
Jack was being surprisingly quiet throughout the exchange. The women turned in amazement, their questions soon answered.
“She’s a whore, like any of us,” Giselle said, smacking his arm.
Jack stood open-mouthed, staring at one of the women seated with the other Captain. “She’s glowing,” he said in wonderment.
The woman in question was indeed glowing. A soft luminous glow was emitting from her skin, which was quite prominently displayed. Between the amount of skin and its shimmering light, Jack was totally smitten.
“Jack!” Giselle tried again.
“Cap’n?” Gibbs tried, as well.
“Oh, this is ridiculous!” Scarlett said and smacked Jack, startling him out of his hypnotic state.
Shaking his head to clear it, Jack pointed a finger at the would-be identity thief. “Having two Captains on me ship is a bit superfluous, if you ask me,” he growled. “Tried that once, was a constant battle.” He pointed at the door. “I suggest you, and your glow-wormans, go find yourselves another story to populate.”
The other captain stood up, towering over Jack. In a menacing voice he asked, “And if I don’t?”
Jack smiled and nodded toward the door, where a large horde of people had gathered. “Well, then I’ll just have to bring in me own minions. What say you to that?”
Captain Steve glanced nervously over at the unruly crowd. A familiar figure stepped forward. Drumming a nervous tattoo on his gun, Barbossa drawled, “Which way ye goin’, Steve?”
****
The sign was nailed on the tavern door.
Jack Sparrow turned to his quartermaster. “Right peculiar, wouldn’t you say, Mister Gibbs?”
“Aye, Cap’n.” Gibbs nodded. “A might too peculiar, if you ask me. Don’t bode well t’all, what with us mired in this unnatural fog.”
The town did indeed lay shrouded in a thick layer of gray mist, dampness seeping through, and dripping from the dilapidated buildings that lined the streets.
Tortuga was quiet, too quiet.
“Nothing looks quite the same.” Jack peered up at the tavern sign. “Even the ol’ Bride looks different tonight.”
The Faithful Bride not only looked different. It was, in fact, missing altogether.
“The Red Dragon Inn,” Jack read the unfamiliar sign hanging over the door.
“Jack!” Gibbs exclaimed suddenly. “The Bride is gone!”
“Really?” Jack rolled his eyes.
Jack straightened his hat and opened the door. The musicians in the corner were playing a rollicking jig, and the tavern was full of drinking and laughing men, sprinkled with the usual assortment of buxom wenches.
The two pushed their way through the crowd, and managed to find a table in the back of the smoke-filled room. Jack signaled to the serving wench as he flopped down on the bench.
She came over with a surly look on her face. “What'll it be?” she asked in a brusque fashion.
Jack flashed his most engaging smile. “Bottle of rum, and none of that piss water you pass off on strangers. Tell John a bottle of his special reserve.” He winked at the woman, who scowled in reply.
“We ain’t got no John, and no ‘special reserve’. You can drink what the rest of ‘em are drinking.” She peered at him through the miasma of smoke. “Who d’ya think yer are anyways?”
Jack stood and lifted his hat with a flourish. “Who am I?” he said, arms wide. “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow, luv.”
She snorted. “Ain’t never heard of ya.” She turned with a flounce, adding over her shoulder, “And don’t be calling me luv.”
Jack’s face fell as he sank back slowly onto the bench.
“Aww, don’t be worryin’ none about her, Cap’n,” Gibbs said with an encouraging nod. “Probably just new, tis all.”
Jack didn’t answer, as he gave the receding wench a disgruntled glare. Catching sight of a flash of bright color across the room, he sat up and brightened considerably.
“Scarlett!” he smiled as the buxom redhead barreled her way across the room, her roommate Giselle hot on her heels.
Jack’s face fell again. He braced himself for the slap that he was sure to come. Instead, he was greeted by a barrage of protests.
“Jack! What is going on?” Scarlett waved to the room around them. “We’ve been told we can’t work here anymore!”
“Been replaced, they told us!" Giselle chimed in. “Said we were too obvious, what ever that means.”
“Well, obviously you are obvious,” Jack said, trying to be of help, forestalling his own confusion. “If you weren’t obvious, no one would notice you, obviously. What with you being not obvious. So obviously, you have to be obvious in order to be obvious. Savvy?”
Gibbs shook his head in openmouthed befuddlement.
“Well, do something about it!” Scarlett demanded. “You can’t just let them redo everything, can you?”
“Redo? Who’s redo? Your redo?”
Giselle stomped her foot. “All of us, Jack! You, me, Gibbs there, we are all being rewritten!”
“Well, not rewritten, exactly,” Scarlett added. “Just ‘improved’ according to that other captain.”
Just then, the musicians struck up a familiar tune and a deep baritone voice began singing along.
“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me…”
“Cap’n!” Gibbs said with a surprised look. “He’s singing your song!”
The four turned to see a tall, dark pirate captain standing atop a table, a tankard of rum in one hand.
“…We pilfer and pirate and don’t give a hoot...”
“Who’s he?” Jack groused.
Scarlett gestured towards the singing pirate with a toss of her head. “That’s Captain Steve.” She lowered his voice. “The legendary pirate captain.”
“Say’s he’s your replacement,” Giselle added with a snort.
Jack raised an eyebrow.” He’s the one rewriting the story?”
Scarlett shook her head. “No, he’s just taking your place, Jack. Has some other fellow changing things.”
“Ghost writer!” Jack said triumphantly. “I knew it!”
“Ghost writer?” Gibbs lowered his voice as he looked around nervously. “Heard tell about them, and a slippery lot they are, too,” he said in an ominous voice. “Like smoke they are, slippin’ in through the cracks of doors and windows, listening and stealin’ yer very words, right out of yer mouth.” He took a long swallow of rum. “If you believe such things.”
“Balderdash!” Jack glared across the room at the imposter pirate, who had finished his song and was now seated at a table surrounded by a bevy of glowing, scantily clad women. Jack smiled at the sight, for a moment forgetting his mission at hand, until Giselle elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
“What’da do that for?” he asked, peeved.
“Well, Jack Sparrow,” Scarlett huffed, shaking her head. “If you want to just sit there, and drink rum, while that other fellow takes your place and your ship…”
She didn’t finish before Jack was on his feet. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place, woman?” He squared his shoulders and fingered the butt of his gun. “There is only so much a man can allow to be pilfered, and me ship is not one of them.”
“Stole the Pearl,” Giselle nodded. “Renamed her the Dandy Doxie, he did.”
Jack stared open-mouthed at her. “He named her the what?”
“Dandy Doxie,” Scarlett repeated.
“And he weren’t thinkin’ none about Pierre, either,” Giselle added.
“No. Not his type.” Jack squinted at the usurper. “Pierre has discriminating tastes, you know,” Jack added, preening.
Both women rolled their eyes, while Gibbs studied the inside of his tankard.
“I’ll just go ask this perfidious rotter who he thinks he is,” Jack said and swayed his way through the raucous throng.
“I’ve got yer back,” Gibbs said, following his captain.
“It’s me front I’m worried about,” Jack answered, giving the new captain another long look. The bloody blighter was huge.
The newcomer looked up as the four approached his table, smiling widely, teeth glistening in his bearded face. “Come to apply, have ye?” he asked with a jovial gesture. “Well, make yer mark; we sail on the morning tide.”
“Sail on what?” Jack asked suspiciously.
“Me ship, the Dandy Doxie. Can’t miss her. All black with black sails.”
“That me ship you’re talking about,” Jack growled. “The Black Pearl.”
The other captain waved a dismissive hand. “Not any more. Had to rename her.”
Jack glared at the big man. “Who gave you the right to rename and commandeer me ship?” he sputtered.
“Is that legal?” Giselle asked in a puzzled voice.
“Pirate!” the stranger said with a grin. “Only took a couple of strokes of the quill and you were history, and I’m now the new legendary captain in these waters.” He shrugged and waved a hand towards a table covered with broadsheets and pamphlets. “Read for yourself.”
Scarlett picked up one of the pamphlets and read aloud. “The Exciting and Egregious Adventures of that Rogue Scoundrel Captain Stephen Kidd.”
“Why this is ridiculous!” Jack pranced back and forth in front of the other. “Who would want to read that?”
The new captain leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Apparently, a lot of people, if my sources are correct. My popularity has never been so high.”
“But, it’s all lies!” Giselle said, pointing to the broadsheet. “You’ve just taken Jack’s name off and put your name on.”
Gibbs held another sheet up. “You never did none of these things. Don’t seem right you takin’ all the credit.”
Captain Steve shrugged. “No one to stop me. Besides, the women just love all the adventure, and romance.”
A twitter of response swelled from the heaving bosoms around him.
Giselle stomped her foot. “Jack has more friends and fans than you could ever hope for.”
“That may be true,” the blaggard replied, a look of smug satisfaction on his face. “And as long as he does, I can borrow his adventures.”
“Borrowed. Without permission,” Gibbs glowered. “And with no intention of giving them back.”
“You won’t get away with this!” Scarlett exclaimed.
“I already have,” the other said calmly.
Jack was being surprisingly quiet throughout the exchange. The women turned in amazement, their questions soon answered.
“She’s a whore, like any of us,” Giselle said, smacking his arm.
Jack stood open-mouthed, staring at one of the women seated with the other Captain. “She’s glowing,” he said in wonderment.
The woman in question was indeed glowing. A soft luminous glow was emitting from her skin, which was quite prominently displayed. Between the amount of skin and its shimmering light, Jack was totally smitten.
“Jack!” Giselle tried again.
“Cap’n?” Gibbs tried, as well.
“Oh, this is ridiculous!” Scarlett said and smacked Jack, startling him out of his hypnotic state.
Shaking his head to clear it, Jack pointed a finger at the would-be identity thief. “Having two Captains on me ship is a bit superfluous, if you ask me,” he growled. “Tried that once, was a constant battle.” He pointed at the door. “I suggest you, and your glow-wormans, go find yourselves another story to populate.”
The other captain stood up, towering over Jack. In a menacing voice he asked, “And if I don’t?”
Jack smiled and nodded toward the door, where a large horde of people had gathered. “Well, then I’ll just have to bring in me own minions. What say you to that?”
Captain Steve glanced nervously over at the unruly crowd. A familiar figure stepped forward. Drumming a nervous tattoo on his gun, Barbossa drawled, “Which way ye goin’, Steve?”
****