From Here to Eternity (2/2)
Part One
The day of their comeback drew nearer and nearer. If Youngwoon got any more anxious, his nerves might just explode. Regardless, he couldn't show his worry to the members, not unless he wanted them to agree with the messages that kept popping up on the wall outside the dorm. The second had read Kangin's only talent is drinking, and the third said Does Kangin really think he can come back looking so fat? When Shindong found out, he'd taken a scrub and a bottle of thinner to the wall with a ferocity that would shock most people.
"Don't listen to them," Shindong had said, brandishing the scrub like a sword. "Never ever listen to them."
Although they were low blows, they were also unerringly reminiscent of Youngwoon's own doubts, which grew larger as each day passed. His tentative friendship with Jungsu had made a U-turn right back for square one, and his temper had suffered because of it. His dancing got increasingly careless, and he'd snapped at Sungmin a few days back.
Siwon had taken Youngwoon aside and asked, very seriously, if he wanted him to tweet the fans about it, but Youngwoon declined. Experience had taught Youngwoon that the more recognition one gave the haters, the more their hatred would be fuelled.
Instead, Youngwoon made a conscious effort not to return to the dorms after Shindong had cleaned the wall.
“Youngwoon,” Jongwoon said a few days later, in an awkward attempt at consolation. “I’m always around, yeah? If you want to talk.”
“Okay,” Youngwoon said, pulling his arm across his chest in a bid to relieve the tension in his muscles.
“About anything,” Jongwoon continued. “Troubling things, you know. But you’re fine. You look fine.”
Youngwoon raised his eyebrows. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be -- here. If you’re ever not, uh, fine.” Jongwoon shifted from foot to foot, clearly uneasy with the conversation.
“That’s very comforting,” Youngwoon said drily. Anything to stop Jongwoon from tripping over his words and landing face first into flailing incoherence. “You’ve warmed the cockles of my heart.”
“That’s good,” Jongwoon said. “As long as we’re all careful, yeah?”
As long as we’re all careful. “Sure,” Youngwoon said.
After Youngwoon stopped going to the dorms, the messages started to follow him to his apartment. He would find letters filled with all kinds of derogatory comments about his fitness, talent and personality stuffed in his mailbox -- some fans didn’t even bother with envelopes, so that the words screamed at Youngwoon when he opened the lid.
As much as he tried to envelop himself within the members’ love, the insults would attack him at the most inopportune times of the day. When he danced with the rest, he felt as graceful as an elephant on skates. Even with Donghae and Hyukjae returning to their old clingy selves, something was still deeply amiss. Jungsu and Youngwoon had been codependent -- now it seemed that dependency was severely one-sided, and it left Youngwoon unbalanced.
That wasn’t to say that he didn’t have fun without Jungsu. Youngwoon and Hyukjae conspired to pull Kyuhyun’s pants down as some kind of de-pantsing anniversary celebration; the look on Kyuhyun’s face had been comically horrified.
“You made me lose!” he said, clutching his iPhone in a white-knuckled grip. "You will rue this day!”
To avenge his dignity, Kyuhyun dug out Hyukjae’s porn collection and took photos of it, threatening to use them as blackmail if Hyukjae did not do as he said. The upside to being the brains of an operation, Youngwoon thought smugly as Hyukjae danced in his heart-patterned boxers and the members howled with mirth, was that he did not have to do the dirty work. Poor Hyukjae had yet to learn the intricacies of pranking, it seemed.
One night, Youngwoon returned to his apartment to see a group of girls clustered around the mailboxes. They were whispering frantically -- one of them said, loud enough for Youngwoon to hear, “Kangin deserves it. Super Junior will be better off without him.”
“That’s right,” another girl said, “He’s only going to pull them down.”
“It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” the third girl said.
“Everyone’s doing it,” the first girl said. “Kangin needs to leave.”
That was quite enough. It was one thing to be attacked on paper; listening to them go at it verbally was as painful as it was enraging. Leaving the apartment building, Youngwoon went straight back to his car and headed to the nearest pub. The pub was crowded and dimly-lit -- perfect. No one paid him any heed as he ducked his way to the bar.
Youngwoon was on his third -- fourth? -- bottle of soju when someone male said loudly beside him, “Hey -- isn’t that Kangin? Super Junior’s Kangin?”
“Yeah,” said another. They didn’t bother to lower their voices. “The violent one.”
“He’s not even that good-looking up close,” a female said.
“Has a few spare tires, hasn’t he?”
Youngwoon stood up. Vibrating with poorly held back anger, he turned around to leave, bottle in hand, when the male called out, “Where’re you going? We’re not done yet!”
The female giggled unsteadily. Drunkenly. “Oppa, don’t be mean.”
“Oh, I’m not being mean yet,” the male said. “Come back, Kangin! You haven’t finished your soju -- we all know how much you love your alcohol.”
Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Youngwoon took another step away from them.
“Oh, leave him,” the second male said. “He’s too much of a coward to speak up for himself. Went straight into hiding, didn’t he? Selfish bastard.”
“And now he’s back.” The first male sniggered. “Probably misses taking his fans to bed.”
Against his better judgement, Youngwoon turned around. “Take that back,” he said lowly.
“Ooh,” the first male said gleefully. “Touchy, touchy.”
“Do you fuck them in that apartment of yours?” the second male mocked. “Oh, do you fuck the female idols? SNSD?”
“I said,” Youngwoon repeated. “Take that back.”
“What’re you gonna do?” the second male taunted. “Punch me?”
“Leave it,” the female said, when Youngwoon glowered and straightened to his full height. “Don’t do this.”
“Yeah,” the first one said, nervously eyeing Youngwoon’s hands, which had curled into tight fists. “He’s violent.”
Coward. Youngwoon took a step forward.
“He won’t,” the second male said confidently. “Doesn't he fuck the leader too? Bet the leader gags for it every night. All the sluts do. These dirty gays wouldn't know a proper right hook even if it hit them in the face --"
Reflexively, Youngwoon’s elbow drew back, whip-fast. The second male ducked, fear contorting his features into a grimace of anticipated pain. Pathetic. Every nerve in Youngwoon’s body screamed for revenge with a force that left him shaking in indecision. No one would know. The pub was poorly lit, and visibility beyond a two metre radius was near to zero.
Forcibly unclenching his fingers, Youngwoon gave him a thin smile, said, “Fuck you,” and left.
Ten minutes later, Jungsu’s white Audi skidded in front of him. Instead of stopping, Jungsu parked his car some five metres away and slammed his way out, his face like a sky full of storm clouds. His crow’s feet were nowhere to be found.
“What are you doing here?” Jungsu asked furiously. “Do you know what time it is?”
“At least I’m not drunk driving,” Youngwoon said sullenly.
“At least --” Jungsu spluttered. “Really, do you never learn?”
Irate, Youngwoon pushed against Jungsu, but Jungsu remained unflappably in place and gripped Youngwoon’s arms. He was stronger than Youngwoon remembered.
“Youngwoon,” Jungsu said. “Did you do anything?”
Struck by the suspicion in Jungsu’s voice, Youngwoon spat, “No,” and pulled away.
“Thank God I received your text when I did, then,” Jungsu snapped.
“We need to go, hyung.”
“Why?” Jungsu pressed. “What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Youngwoon.”
“Nothing!” Youngwoon bellowed. “Let’s go!”
Jungsu flinched minutely, but his back went as straight as a steel rod. The drive back to Youngwoon’s apartment was strained and silent. After Jungsu dropped him off outside the apartment building without so much as a ‘goodbye’, Youngwoon headed straight for his mailbox.
The letters were just as mocking as the rest. Dumping them all in the nearest garbage bin, Youngwoon went home and fell straight into bed.
“What have you done?” Jungsu shouted, when Youngwoon shouldered the door open.
Youngwoon winced, bringing a hand to his temple. He realised what a bad idea that was when Jungsu’s eyes followed the movement, and his mouth hardened into a thin line. In the practice room, the rest of the members averted their eyes respectfully and studied the grimy floor with single-minded focus.
“He called management,” Jungsu said, when Youngwoon remained silent. “You’re lucky they didn’t put you on probation. Again.”
Fuck. “I didn’t punch him.”
“It was a near thing,” Jungsu snapped. “It’s a good thing management isn’t publicising this. Heaven knows you’ll need all the fan support you can get.”
“What did they tell the guy?”
“He has no proof,” Jungsu said flatly. “They told him he was making unfounded accusations and that he would find himself in a lawsuit if he didn’t stop accusing you. Thank God you were in a blind spot.”
“I’m sorry,” Youngwoon said, feeling useless.
“Make up for it by bucking up,” Jungsu said, and left it at that.
By the time Jungsu's birthday rolled around, Youngwoon was so down in the dumps it felt almost like he had sunk to the deepest pits of hell. Everyday was a drag -- even Youngwoon's muscles screamed every time he so much as sat down or stood up. To make things worse, the disappointment in the members’ eyes was back. He could barely look at anyone without feeling like a threat to Super Junior’s future -- it seemed his two years in the army had been advantageous for no one, least of all himself.
Ryeowook, Sungmin and Kyuhyun holed up inside the kitchen to make Jungsu a cake. In an attempt to make up, Youngwoon joined them halfway through, forcing a cheery facade that grew less and less artificial as the time passed.
“Not there!” Ryeowook cried, slapping Kyuhyun’s hands.
“What?” Kyuhyun said. “You said to pour it here!”
“I said to pour it along the sides!”
“These are the sides!”
“Are you blind?” Ryeowook asked, exasperated. “Here, Youngwoon-hyung, show him.”
Obligingly, Youngwoon picked up the spoon and ladled the decorative cream along the sides, resisting the urge to give in to a self-satisfied grin.
They kept Youngwoon busy for the whole day. Once they were certain that Jungsu’s birthday dinner was almost over, the members huddled up in the dark of Jungsu’s room and waited with bated breath for his arrival. Eventually his footfalls rounded the corner into the room, at which point everyone jumped up and yelled "Happy birthday!" and Donghae thrust the cake into Jungsu's face. Literally.
So that was why they hadn't needed candles.
"I was expecting that," Jungsu said. "I really was."
"Stop pretending to be cool," Kyuhyun said. "We all know you're going to start crying."
"No, I'm not," Jungsu said, but his eyes were already starting to look watery. "You're all too predictable."
"He's crying!" Hyukjae announced, at the same time Donghae shouted, "Pictures!"
There were no presents to be had, because everyone was too busy to buy a gift in addition to making sure everyone's schedules had space to fit in a birthday celebration. The festivities died down eventually, and slowly the members trickled out of the room. Some announced that they would stay the night; others headed back to their respective homes.
Youngwoon hung back until only he and Jungsu remained. "Let's talk," he said.
"That hasn't been very helpful so far," Jungsu said frostily.
"This will be," Youngwoon said, ignoring the seed of doubt that nagged at him. "I’m thinking of resigning.”
Jungsu’s eyes lost their frigid glassiness. "Youngwoon," he said, after a short moment. "You can’t be --"
"I’m resigning," Youngwoon interrupted. It was only through a stroke of luck that his voice did not shake. "Not now that we’re so close to coming back, but I will, after 6jib promotions. After that incident in the pub... I can’t risk Super Junior like this."
"No," Jungsu said, shaking his head. "No, you can't leave."
"I can," Youngwoon said. "You can't tell me what to do."
"Is this about --" Jungsu started, but he cut himself off, looking abashed at his presumptuousness. "No, of course not. The Youngwoon I know wouldn't let love get in the way of his work."
"Like you did?" Youngwoon asked caustically. "We both did, Jungsu. You kissed me in Super Show 3, remember? On stage, right in front of the fans? And nothing happened! What's got your panties in such a bunch?"
"I can't!" Jungsu shouted. "I can't see you leave again!"
"You're a fucking hypocrite, Jungsu!" Youngwoon yelled back. "You -- I can't believe you're trying to sweeten me up after everything!"
There was a knock on the door. "Hyung?" Sungmin said tentatively. "Is everything okay?"
Jungsu gave Youngwoon a glare and brushed past him, opening the door. "Sorry," he said. "Youngwoon and I have some things to talk about."
There was a whispered conversation, and then Jungsu straightened up and shut the door firmly.
"We are going to talk about this like adults," he said tightly.
"Great," Youngwoon said. "I’m leaving after promotions end, like it or not."
Jungsu closed his eyes and sighed. "Really?"
"It’s for the good of Super Junior."
"No, it’s --" Jungsu opened his eyes, tilting his chin up in a familiar reaction to tears. Youngwoon had seen it far too many times in their ten years. "You shouldn't listen to them."
"Our fans?" Youngwoon said. "What they're saying is true. I'm not needed here."
"I'm sorry you feel that way," Jungsu said quietly. "Please, Youngwoon."
"I'm only going to drag you down," Youngwoon said. "I can't do that to you. All of you."
"It's not true," Jungsu said. "I have faith in you."
Youngwoon had nothing to say to that.
"Look," Jungsu whispered, touching Youngwoon's elbow. "Will you change your mind if I tell you I need you? Super Junior might not, now, but I do. I always have."
"You can't lie to me, hyung," Youngwoon said. "I've made my choice."
"I'm not lying."
Youngwoon's eyes met Jungsu's. "You don't need me. You said so yourself."
"I never did. I was afraid. When you enlisted, I was lonely and hurt and I -- I couldn't let you get close enough to hurt again." Jungsu shrugged, his hand warm against Youngwoon's elbow. "It was stupid and foolish to break up, I see that now."
"Fuck, Jungsu," Youngwoon said, forgoing honorifics. "You're fucking selfish, you know that?"
Jungsu's face crumpled. "I'm being selfish again," he said, voice cracking. "I love you. Please don't leave."
"I can't believe you," Youngwoon said, taking a step back. With all his heart, he wanted to believe him, God he did, but he couldn't. Jungsu was a talented actor. For all his failings, Jungsu always knew how to get what he wanted.
"Please," Jungsu said. "What do you want me to say?"
"Anything but that," Youngwoon said, shaking his head. When nothing else seemed forthcoming, he let himself out of the door.
Donghae and Hyukjae both looked up at him as he entered the living room, but for once remained silent. Youngwoon bid them goodnight and left the dorm. Although he took great pains to avert his eyes from the wall, the masochistic part of him forced him to look anyway. There was a little message scribbled on the wall in black.
Stepping closer, Youngwoon was surprised to recognise Jungsu's handwriting. It read, Kangin is our brother and friend, and we love him.
Blinking, he read it again. The words swam before his eyes, and Youngwoon blinked desperately, wondering if this was the right choice. All it took to unravel a shirt was one loose string. Super Junior had endured countless trials, but even the strongest warriors were defeated. It was only a matter of time.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
are you mad? have you finally let jungsu run you up the wall?
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
you can’t leave because i say so.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
yah kim youngwoon stop ignoring me you fucker.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
REPLY MY TEXTS OR I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER!
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
fuck off
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
the fucking fans will be delighted to see you leave, you know that.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
even zhou mi and henry made it this far.
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
well they didn’t drive into a car. or get involved in a bar fight
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
what happened to being the strongest member of the group?
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
i meant that physically
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
so you admit you’re weaker than zhou mi and henry?
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
it’s different, go away
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
sorry, under leader’s orders to pester you until you decide not to leave.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
yah, kim youngwoon.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
you fucker.
Youngwoon spent the second of July nursing the mother of all mothers of hangovers, and when the third of July came around, he dragged himself out of bed and made himself a piping hot mug of coffee. Then he sat down and had a serious talk with himself, and when he was done with that, he got dressed, shaved, and drove to the SM building.
The members paused in their routine when Youngwoon opened the door to the practice room. Straight away, Donghae walked to Youngwoon and gripped him by the shoulders. “People make mistakes,” he said, staring him in the eye. “We don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving yet,” Youngwoon started, but Kyuhyun cut him off.
“Ever,” he said. “You shouldn’t ever leave.”
“All of us have a duty to Super Junior,” Sungmin said.
“I --” Youngwoon tried.
“To each other,” Sungmin said emphatically.
“Who’s to say I won’t make another mistake?” Youngwoon asked, flaring up a little. “Who’s to say I won’t mess up?”
“We’re Super Junior,” Jongwoon said. “We stick together. Through the good and bad.”
“We won’t abandon you,” Ryeowook added. “We’re family.”
“But --” Youngwoon said.
“We keep losing members,” Hyukjae said. “At this rate, we’re going to go extinct.”
“Extinct,” Donghae repeated, nodding. He shook Youngwoon a little and let go. “Please?”
From the other side of the room, Jungsu caught Youngwoon’s eyes. “I’ll think about it,” Youngwoon said at last, and Jungsu smiled.
Their comeback took a number of retakes, but it was worth every moment. Whether fifteen or a hundred, the sight of his fans -- Super Junior’s fans -- cheering him on was invigorating. Rather than dying down, the fans remained as thrilled as Youngwoon was; the more times Super Junior performed, the louder their support became. It was gladdening to see a number of fans waving Kangin fanboards.
Youngwoon had forgotten how it felt like to go up there and just perform, knowing that even if he tripped and fell, a member would laugh and give him a boost up. Granted, it did not make him any less nervous, but it did make him feel lighter somehow.
After they had finally finished their last performance and left the screaming fans behind, Jungsu approached him diffidently.
"Good job," he said quietly. "You didn't make a single mistake."
"We rehearsed ten times and performed thrice," Youngwoon pointed out. "Really? I don't think so."
“Shut up,” Jungsu said. “I’m trying to make amends.”
“I’d forgotten what it felt like,” Youngwoon admitted. “To perform with all of you.”
“Did we disappoint?” Jungsu asked.
“No,” Youngwoon said. “I might even go so far as to say that your little ambush in the practice room worked.”
Jungsu’s eyes lit up. “You’re not resigning?”
“I --” Youngwoon shuffled his feet and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I’m not sure yet. But I don’t think I will.”
Jungsu’s face looked like it could set a thousand suns aflame by itself. “Youngwoon,” he said, sounding choked up.
“Oh god,” Youngwoon said, horrified. “Stop it. We’re in public.”
"Shut up," Jungsu said, his grin so wide it looked like it would reach his ears. Unable to help himself, Youngwoon prodded the dimple on Jungsu's cheek with his thumb.
"You sent Heechul after me," Youngwoon said. "Heechul, of all people?"
"It's Heechul," Jungsu said meaningfully, taking Youngwoon's wrist and backing away. "Come on."
"I kind of want to savour the moment a little longer," Youngwoon said.
Jungsu ignored him and tugged him into an unused room. He locked the door.
"I wasn't lying," Jungsu said, turning around to face Youngwoon. What little light shone through the crack beneath the door highlighted an eye, an ear, his jawline.
"No idea what you're talking about --" Youngwoon said, and was interrupted by Jungsu pushing against him, knocking him against the door. "Oh. Ow."
Jungsu settled into him, arms around his neck. "There's nothing between Sora and I," he said. "She's pretty, but I can't do this --" He leaned in to kiss Youngwoon on the lips. "-- and I can't do this." His voice lowered, and he slid his hands up Youngwoon's shirt.
"It's all about the sex, isn't it?" Youngwoon said breathlessly, grabbing Jungsu by the hips.
"I love you," Jungsu mumbled against Youngwoon's lips.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"Youngwoon," Jungsu said. "Shut up."
Youngwoon grinned into Jungsu's kiss. "If I do shut up I won't be able to tell you that the feeling's mutual."
Jungsu leaned away, and Youngwoon chased his lips. "Really?"
"No," Youngwoon said. "I really hate you, actually."
Jungsu snorted unbecomingly. "The feeling's mutual."
END
The day of their comeback drew nearer and nearer. If Youngwoon got any more anxious, his nerves might just explode. Regardless, he couldn't show his worry to the members, not unless he wanted them to agree with the messages that kept popping up on the wall outside the dorm. The second had read Kangin's only talent is drinking, and the third said Does Kangin really think he can come back looking so fat? When Shindong found out, he'd taken a scrub and a bottle of thinner to the wall with a ferocity that would shock most people.
"Don't listen to them," Shindong had said, brandishing the scrub like a sword. "Never ever listen to them."
Although they were low blows, they were also unerringly reminiscent of Youngwoon's own doubts, which grew larger as each day passed. His tentative friendship with Jungsu had made a U-turn right back for square one, and his temper had suffered because of it. His dancing got increasingly careless, and he'd snapped at Sungmin a few days back.
Siwon had taken Youngwoon aside and asked, very seriously, if he wanted him to tweet the fans about it, but Youngwoon declined. Experience had taught Youngwoon that the more recognition one gave the haters, the more their hatred would be fuelled.
Instead, Youngwoon made a conscious effort not to return to the dorms after Shindong had cleaned the wall.
“Youngwoon,” Jongwoon said a few days later, in an awkward attempt at consolation. “I’m always around, yeah? If you want to talk.”
“Okay,” Youngwoon said, pulling his arm across his chest in a bid to relieve the tension in his muscles.
“About anything,” Jongwoon continued. “Troubling things, you know. But you’re fine. You look fine.”
Youngwoon raised his eyebrows. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be -- here. If you’re ever not, uh, fine.” Jongwoon shifted from foot to foot, clearly uneasy with the conversation.
“That’s very comforting,” Youngwoon said drily. Anything to stop Jongwoon from tripping over his words and landing face first into flailing incoherence. “You’ve warmed the cockles of my heart.”
“That’s good,” Jongwoon said. “As long as we’re all careful, yeah?”
As long as we’re all careful. “Sure,” Youngwoon said.
After Youngwoon stopped going to the dorms, the messages started to follow him to his apartment. He would find letters filled with all kinds of derogatory comments about his fitness, talent and personality stuffed in his mailbox -- some fans didn’t even bother with envelopes, so that the words screamed at Youngwoon when he opened the lid.
As much as he tried to envelop himself within the members’ love, the insults would attack him at the most inopportune times of the day. When he danced with the rest, he felt as graceful as an elephant on skates. Even with Donghae and Hyukjae returning to their old clingy selves, something was still deeply amiss. Jungsu and Youngwoon had been codependent -- now it seemed that dependency was severely one-sided, and it left Youngwoon unbalanced.
That wasn’t to say that he didn’t have fun without Jungsu. Youngwoon and Hyukjae conspired to pull Kyuhyun’s pants down as some kind of de-pantsing anniversary celebration; the look on Kyuhyun’s face had been comically horrified.
“You made me lose!” he said, clutching his iPhone in a white-knuckled grip. "You will rue this day!”
To avenge his dignity, Kyuhyun dug out Hyukjae’s porn collection and took photos of it, threatening to use them as blackmail if Hyukjae did not do as he said. The upside to being the brains of an operation, Youngwoon thought smugly as Hyukjae danced in his heart-patterned boxers and the members howled with mirth, was that he did not have to do the dirty work. Poor Hyukjae had yet to learn the intricacies of pranking, it seemed.
One night, Youngwoon returned to his apartment to see a group of girls clustered around the mailboxes. They were whispering frantically -- one of them said, loud enough for Youngwoon to hear, “Kangin deserves it. Super Junior will be better off without him.”
“That’s right,” another girl said, “He’s only going to pull them down.”
“It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” the third girl said.
“Everyone’s doing it,” the first girl said. “Kangin needs to leave.”
That was quite enough. It was one thing to be attacked on paper; listening to them go at it verbally was as painful as it was enraging. Leaving the apartment building, Youngwoon went straight back to his car and headed to the nearest pub. The pub was crowded and dimly-lit -- perfect. No one paid him any heed as he ducked his way to the bar.
Youngwoon was on his third -- fourth? -- bottle of soju when someone male said loudly beside him, “Hey -- isn’t that Kangin? Super Junior’s Kangin?”
“Yeah,” said another. They didn’t bother to lower their voices. “The violent one.”
“He’s not even that good-looking up close,” a female said.
“Has a few spare tires, hasn’t he?”
Youngwoon stood up. Vibrating with poorly held back anger, he turned around to leave, bottle in hand, when the male called out, “Where’re you going? We’re not done yet!”
The female giggled unsteadily. Drunkenly. “Oppa, don’t be mean.”
“Oh, I’m not being mean yet,” the male said. “Come back, Kangin! You haven’t finished your soju -- we all know how much you love your alcohol.”
Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Youngwoon took another step away from them.
“Oh, leave him,” the second male said. “He’s too much of a coward to speak up for himself. Went straight into hiding, didn’t he? Selfish bastard.”
“And now he’s back.” The first male sniggered. “Probably misses taking his fans to bed.”
Against his better judgement, Youngwoon turned around. “Take that back,” he said lowly.
“Ooh,” the first male said gleefully. “Touchy, touchy.”
“Do you fuck them in that apartment of yours?” the second male mocked. “Oh, do you fuck the female idols? SNSD?”
“I said,” Youngwoon repeated. “Take that back.”
“What’re you gonna do?” the second male taunted. “Punch me?”
“Leave it,” the female said, when Youngwoon glowered and straightened to his full height. “Don’t do this.”
“Yeah,” the first one said, nervously eyeing Youngwoon’s hands, which had curled into tight fists. “He’s violent.”
Coward. Youngwoon took a step forward.
“He won’t,” the second male said confidently. “Doesn't he fuck the leader too? Bet the leader gags for it every night. All the sluts do. These dirty gays wouldn't know a proper right hook even if it hit them in the face --"
Reflexively, Youngwoon’s elbow drew back, whip-fast. The second male ducked, fear contorting his features into a grimace of anticipated pain. Pathetic. Every nerve in Youngwoon’s body screamed for revenge with a force that left him shaking in indecision. No one would know. The pub was poorly lit, and visibility beyond a two metre radius was near to zero.
Forcibly unclenching his fingers, Youngwoon gave him a thin smile, said, “Fuck you,” and left.
Ten minutes later, Jungsu’s white Audi skidded in front of him. Instead of stopping, Jungsu parked his car some five metres away and slammed his way out, his face like a sky full of storm clouds. His crow’s feet were nowhere to be found.
“What are you doing here?” Jungsu asked furiously. “Do you know what time it is?”
“At least I’m not drunk driving,” Youngwoon said sullenly.
“At least --” Jungsu spluttered. “Really, do you never learn?”
Irate, Youngwoon pushed against Jungsu, but Jungsu remained unflappably in place and gripped Youngwoon’s arms. He was stronger than Youngwoon remembered.
“Youngwoon,” Jungsu said. “Did you do anything?”
Struck by the suspicion in Jungsu’s voice, Youngwoon spat, “No,” and pulled away.
“Thank God I received your text when I did, then,” Jungsu snapped.
“We need to go, hyung.”
“Why?” Jungsu pressed. “What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Youngwoon.”
“Nothing!” Youngwoon bellowed. “Let’s go!”
Jungsu flinched minutely, but his back went as straight as a steel rod. The drive back to Youngwoon’s apartment was strained and silent. After Jungsu dropped him off outside the apartment building without so much as a ‘goodbye’, Youngwoon headed straight for his mailbox.
The letters were just as mocking as the rest. Dumping them all in the nearest garbage bin, Youngwoon went home and fell straight into bed.
“What have you done?” Jungsu shouted, when Youngwoon shouldered the door open.
Youngwoon winced, bringing a hand to his temple. He realised what a bad idea that was when Jungsu’s eyes followed the movement, and his mouth hardened into a thin line. In the practice room, the rest of the members averted their eyes respectfully and studied the grimy floor with single-minded focus.
“He called management,” Jungsu said, when Youngwoon remained silent. “You’re lucky they didn’t put you on probation. Again.”
Fuck. “I didn’t punch him.”
“It was a near thing,” Jungsu snapped. “It’s a good thing management isn’t publicising this. Heaven knows you’ll need all the fan support you can get.”
“What did they tell the guy?”
“He has no proof,” Jungsu said flatly. “They told him he was making unfounded accusations and that he would find himself in a lawsuit if he didn’t stop accusing you. Thank God you were in a blind spot.”
“I’m sorry,” Youngwoon said, feeling useless.
“Make up for it by bucking up,” Jungsu said, and left it at that.
By the time Jungsu's birthday rolled around, Youngwoon was so down in the dumps it felt almost like he had sunk to the deepest pits of hell. Everyday was a drag -- even Youngwoon's muscles screamed every time he so much as sat down or stood up. To make things worse, the disappointment in the members’ eyes was back. He could barely look at anyone without feeling like a threat to Super Junior’s future -- it seemed his two years in the army had been advantageous for no one, least of all himself.
Ryeowook, Sungmin and Kyuhyun holed up inside the kitchen to make Jungsu a cake. In an attempt to make up, Youngwoon joined them halfway through, forcing a cheery facade that grew less and less artificial as the time passed.
“Not there!” Ryeowook cried, slapping Kyuhyun’s hands.
“What?” Kyuhyun said. “You said to pour it here!”
“I said to pour it along the sides!”
“These are the sides!”
“Are you blind?” Ryeowook asked, exasperated. “Here, Youngwoon-hyung, show him.”
Obligingly, Youngwoon picked up the spoon and ladled the decorative cream along the sides, resisting the urge to give in to a self-satisfied grin.
They kept Youngwoon busy for the whole day. Once they were certain that Jungsu’s birthday dinner was almost over, the members huddled up in the dark of Jungsu’s room and waited with bated breath for his arrival. Eventually his footfalls rounded the corner into the room, at which point everyone jumped up and yelled "Happy birthday!" and Donghae thrust the cake into Jungsu's face. Literally.
So that was why they hadn't needed candles.
"I was expecting that," Jungsu said. "I really was."
"Stop pretending to be cool," Kyuhyun said. "We all know you're going to start crying."
"No, I'm not," Jungsu said, but his eyes were already starting to look watery. "You're all too predictable."
"He's crying!" Hyukjae announced, at the same time Donghae shouted, "Pictures!"
There were no presents to be had, because everyone was too busy to buy a gift in addition to making sure everyone's schedules had space to fit in a birthday celebration. The festivities died down eventually, and slowly the members trickled out of the room. Some announced that they would stay the night; others headed back to their respective homes.
Youngwoon hung back until only he and Jungsu remained. "Let's talk," he said.
"That hasn't been very helpful so far," Jungsu said frostily.
"This will be," Youngwoon said, ignoring the seed of doubt that nagged at him. "I’m thinking of resigning.”
Jungsu’s eyes lost their frigid glassiness. "Youngwoon," he said, after a short moment. "You can’t be --"
"I’m resigning," Youngwoon interrupted. It was only through a stroke of luck that his voice did not shake. "Not now that we’re so close to coming back, but I will, after 6jib promotions. After that incident in the pub... I can’t risk Super Junior like this."
"No," Jungsu said, shaking his head. "No, you can't leave."
"I can," Youngwoon said. "You can't tell me what to do."
"Is this about --" Jungsu started, but he cut himself off, looking abashed at his presumptuousness. "No, of course not. The Youngwoon I know wouldn't let love get in the way of his work."
"Like you did?" Youngwoon asked caustically. "We both did, Jungsu. You kissed me in Super Show 3, remember? On stage, right in front of the fans? And nothing happened! What's got your panties in such a bunch?"
"I can't!" Jungsu shouted. "I can't see you leave again!"
"You're a fucking hypocrite, Jungsu!" Youngwoon yelled back. "You -- I can't believe you're trying to sweeten me up after everything!"
There was a knock on the door. "Hyung?" Sungmin said tentatively. "Is everything okay?"
Jungsu gave Youngwoon a glare and brushed past him, opening the door. "Sorry," he said. "Youngwoon and I have some things to talk about."
There was a whispered conversation, and then Jungsu straightened up and shut the door firmly.
"We are going to talk about this like adults," he said tightly.
"Great," Youngwoon said. "I’m leaving after promotions end, like it or not."
Jungsu closed his eyes and sighed. "Really?"
"It’s for the good of Super Junior."
"No, it’s --" Jungsu opened his eyes, tilting his chin up in a familiar reaction to tears. Youngwoon had seen it far too many times in their ten years. "You shouldn't listen to them."
"Our fans?" Youngwoon said. "What they're saying is true. I'm not needed here."
"I'm sorry you feel that way," Jungsu said quietly. "Please, Youngwoon."
"I'm only going to drag you down," Youngwoon said. "I can't do that to you. All of you."
"It's not true," Jungsu said. "I have faith in you."
Youngwoon had nothing to say to that.
"Look," Jungsu whispered, touching Youngwoon's elbow. "Will you change your mind if I tell you I need you? Super Junior might not, now, but I do. I always have."
"You can't lie to me, hyung," Youngwoon said. "I've made my choice."
"I'm not lying."
Youngwoon's eyes met Jungsu's. "You don't need me. You said so yourself."
"I never did. I was afraid. When you enlisted, I was lonely and hurt and I -- I couldn't let you get close enough to hurt again." Jungsu shrugged, his hand warm against Youngwoon's elbow. "It was stupid and foolish to break up, I see that now."
"Fuck, Jungsu," Youngwoon said, forgoing honorifics. "You're fucking selfish, you know that?"
Jungsu's face crumpled. "I'm being selfish again," he said, voice cracking. "I love you. Please don't leave."
"I can't believe you," Youngwoon said, taking a step back. With all his heart, he wanted to believe him, God he did, but he couldn't. Jungsu was a talented actor. For all his failings, Jungsu always knew how to get what he wanted.
"Please," Jungsu said. "What do you want me to say?"
"Anything but that," Youngwoon said, shaking his head. When nothing else seemed forthcoming, he let himself out of the door.
Donghae and Hyukjae both looked up at him as he entered the living room, but for once remained silent. Youngwoon bid them goodnight and left the dorm. Although he took great pains to avert his eyes from the wall, the masochistic part of him forced him to look anyway. There was a little message scribbled on the wall in black.
Stepping closer, Youngwoon was surprised to recognise Jungsu's handwriting. It read, Kangin is our brother and friend, and we love him.
Blinking, he read it again. The words swam before his eyes, and Youngwoon blinked desperately, wondering if this was the right choice. All it took to unravel a shirt was one loose string. Super Junior had endured countless trials, but even the strongest warriors were defeated. It was only a matter of time.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
are you mad? have you finally let jungsu run you up the wall?
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
you can’t leave because i say so.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
yah kim youngwoon stop ignoring me you fucker.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
REPLY MY TEXTS OR I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER!
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
fuck off
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
the fucking fans will be delighted to see you leave, you know that.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
even zhou mi and henry made it this far.
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
well they didn’t drive into a car. or get involved in a bar fight
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
what happened to being the strongest member of the group?
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
i meant that physically
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
so you admit you’re weaker than zhou mi and henry?
From: Kim Youngwoon
To: Kim Heechul
it’s different, go away
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
sorry, under leader’s orders to pester you until you decide not to leave.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
yah, kim youngwoon.
From: Kim Heechul
To: Kim Youngwoon
you fucker.
Youngwoon spent the second of July nursing the mother of all mothers of hangovers, and when the third of July came around, he dragged himself out of bed and made himself a piping hot mug of coffee. Then he sat down and had a serious talk with himself, and when he was done with that, he got dressed, shaved, and drove to the SM building.
The members paused in their routine when Youngwoon opened the door to the practice room. Straight away, Donghae walked to Youngwoon and gripped him by the shoulders. “People make mistakes,” he said, staring him in the eye. “We don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving yet,” Youngwoon started, but Kyuhyun cut him off.
“Ever,” he said. “You shouldn’t ever leave.”
“All of us have a duty to Super Junior,” Sungmin said.
“I --” Youngwoon tried.
“To each other,” Sungmin said emphatically.
“Who’s to say I won’t make another mistake?” Youngwoon asked, flaring up a little. “Who’s to say I won’t mess up?”
“We’re Super Junior,” Jongwoon said. “We stick together. Through the good and bad.”
“We won’t abandon you,” Ryeowook added. “We’re family.”
“But --” Youngwoon said.
“We keep losing members,” Hyukjae said. “At this rate, we’re going to go extinct.”
“Extinct,” Donghae repeated, nodding. He shook Youngwoon a little and let go. “Please?”
From the other side of the room, Jungsu caught Youngwoon’s eyes. “I’ll think about it,” Youngwoon said at last, and Jungsu smiled.
Their comeback took a number of retakes, but it was worth every moment. Whether fifteen or a hundred, the sight of his fans -- Super Junior’s fans -- cheering him on was invigorating. Rather than dying down, the fans remained as thrilled as Youngwoon was; the more times Super Junior performed, the louder their support became. It was gladdening to see a number of fans waving Kangin fanboards.
Youngwoon had forgotten how it felt like to go up there and just perform, knowing that even if he tripped and fell, a member would laugh and give him a boost up. Granted, it did not make him any less nervous, but it did make him feel lighter somehow.
After they had finally finished their last performance and left the screaming fans behind, Jungsu approached him diffidently.
"Good job," he said quietly. "You didn't make a single mistake."
"We rehearsed ten times and performed thrice," Youngwoon pointed out. "Really? I don't think so."
“Shut up,” Jungsu said. “I’m trying to make amends.”
“I’d forgotten what it felt like,” Youngwoon admitted. “To perform with all of you.”
“Did we disappoint?” Jungsu asked.
“No,” Youngwoon said. “I might even go so far as to say that your little ambush in the practice room worked.”
Jungsu’s eyes lit up. “You’re not resigning?”
“I --” Youngwoon shuffled his feet and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I’m not sure yet. But I don’t think I will.”
Jungsu’s face looked like it could set a thousand suns aflame by itself. “Youngwoon,” he said, sounding choked up.
“Oh god,” Youngwoon said, horrified. “Stop it. We’re in public.”
"Shut up," Jungsu said, his grin so wide it looked like it would reach his ears. Unable to help himself, Youngwoon prodded the dimple on Jungsu's cheek with his thumb.
"You sent Heechul after me," Youngwoon said. "Heechul, of all people?"
"It's Heechul," Jungsu said meaningfully, taking Youngwoon's wrist and backing away. "Come on."
"I kind of want to savour the moment a little longer," Youngwoon said.
Jungsu ignored him and tugged him into an unused room. He locked the door.
"I wasn't lying," Jungsu said, turning around to face Youngwoon. What little light shone through the crack beneath the door highlighted an eye, an ear, his jawline.
"No idea what you're talking about --" Youngwoon said, and was interrupted by Jungsu pushing against him, knocking him against the door. "Oh. Ow."
Jungsu settled into him, arms around his neck. "There's nothing between Sora and I," he said. "She's pretty, but I can't do this --" He leaned in to kiss Youngwoon on the lips. "-- and I can't do this." His voice lowered, and he slid his hands up Youngwoon's shirt.
"It's all about the sex, isn't it?" Youngwoon said breathlessly, grabbing Jungsu by the hips.
"I love you," Jungsu mumbled against Youngwoon's lips.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"Youngwoon," Jungsu said. "Shut up."
Youngwoon grinned into Jungsu's kiss. "If I do shut up I won't be able to tell you that the feeling's mutual."
Jungsu leaned away, and Youngwoon chased his lips. "Really?"
"No," Youngwoon said. "I really hate you, actually."
Jungsu snorted unbecomingly. "The feeling's mutual."
END