three years later
I remember shelving in the religion section asking myself repeatedly if this was what I really wanted to do. I spent a good thirty minutes of this, absentmindedly shelving, as my mind raced through the possibilities that I had long since exhausted. Finally I came to my conclusion, put down the books i was working on and walked into the back office, past my desk, past the desk of my coworkers and into the office of my boss of many, many years. Sitting down I hesitated, as if my voice hadn't quite gotten permission from my mind, before I finally heard myself uttering those magical words: I have decided to quit.
Earlier this afternoon I realized that today is the three year anniversary of my giving my 6 weeks notice at Borders. I spent 9 years working for that company, 9 years that for the most part were pretty good and enjoyable. I quit with nothing lined up. I quit with no plan in place, only some vague idea that it would all work out. Eventually I decided to do some traveling, a short 7 week trip that kept getting extended. I didn't know then that those 7 weeks would turn into my spending 30 of the past 36 months abroad, with at least another 12-14 on the way.
There was so much uncertainty when I left, so much concern and confusion. My family and friends were worried for me as it looked like I had no plan. It looked that way because it was true. I had no idea what I was going to do. Traveling was just a means to extend the time in which I had to come to a decision about my future self. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I am still uncertain about my future. And I haven't gotten more comfortable with that.
I really am no closer to defining my passions in life, to finding that career or calling that inspires me to devote the rest of my life to it. The path that I will take to that well paying job that was once promised to me and is supposed to allow me to fully support myself and my family to be is still unknown to me. I don't know where it leads or for that matter where it even starts. Even with all that has come from being pathless these past few years that still bothers me. Once I decide to give up Antarctica I am just where I was three years ago, just with a bunch more stamps in my passport and more friends who I never get to see.
It's interesting where life takes you. I have done a lot in these past three years. I have traveled longer and further than anyone I knew. Looking back on my LJ entries from that time I had no idea how much traveling I was going to do. Antarctica wasn't even a blip on my radar and now it has become such a defining part of who I am. It's remarkable that something so unknown to me then can have become such a profound moment of my life. I like that, that it's possible for the unknown to still have so much influence, so much possibility, so much to offer.
In the intervening years I have never doubted my decision to leave Borders, not for a second. That was one decision I knew was right. And I am struck by how easily I could have stayed, how easily I could have just kept on doing what I was doing. It's scary, in a way, to think about that and realize everything that I would have missed out on had I stayed. One day it will be time for me to abandon Antarctica. I hope then I remember this. I hope then I still have the courage to delve into the unknown.
It's been a fun three years.
Earlier this afternoon I realized that today is the three year anniversary of my giving my 6 weeks notice at Borders. I spent 9 years working for that company, 9 years that for the most part were pretty good and enjoyable. I quit with nothing lined up. I quit with no plan in place, only some vague idea that it would all work out. Eventually I decided to do some traveling, a short 7 week trip that kept getting extended. I didn't know then that those 7 weeks would turn into my spending 30 of the past 36 months abroad, with at least another 12-14 on the way.
There was so much uncertainty when I left, so much concern and confusion. My family and friends were worried for me as it looked like I had no plan. It looked that way because it was true. I had no idea what I was going to do. Traveling was just a means to extend the time in which I had to come to a decision about my future self. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I am still uncertain about my future. And I haven't gotten more comfortable with that.
I really am no closer to defining my passions in life, to finding that career or calling that inspires me to devote the rest of my life to it. The path that I will take to that well paying job that was once promised to me and is supposed to allow me to fully support myself and my family to be is still unknown to me. I don't know where it leads or for that matter where it even starts. Even with all that has come from being pathless these past few years that still bothers me. Once I decide to give up Antarctica I am just where I was three years ago, just with a bunch more stamps in my passport and more friends who I never get to see.
It's interesting where life takes you. I have done a lot in these past three years. I have traveled longer and further than anyone I knew. Looking back on my LJ entries from that time I had no idea how much traveling I was going to do. Antarctica wasn't even a blip on my radar and now it has become such a defining part of who I am. It's remarkable that something so unknown to me then can have become such a profound moment of my life. I like that, that it's possible for the unknown to still have so much influence, so much possibility, so much to offer.
In the intervening years I have never doubted my decision to leave Borders, not for a second. That was one decision I knew was right. And I am struck by how easily I could have stayed, how easily I could have just kept on doing what I was doing. It's scary, in a way, to think about that and realize everything that I would have missed out on had I stayed. One day it will be time for me to abandon Antarctica. I hope then I remember this. I hope then I still have the courage to delve into the unknown.
It's been a fun three years.