Operation: P.O.W.E.R.P.U.F.F. - Chapter Twenty
You know, folks, my enthusiasm for this project has steadily diminished. And this chapter… it’s just not that good.
But I want to do them all, so today we’ll do things a little differently.
I’m going to script it - that is, try to convey how bad it is by rewriting it in script form. Anything in bold, as usual, is Brian’s original writing. I’ll cover his author’s notes and the flashbacks in my usual style.
So let’s get the five-train disaster underway.
Before I start, I'd like to say something.
Oh, goody.
Many vigilant readers have noticed similarities between this part of the story and an episode of the first season of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers".
I admit it. When I was a little kid, I did watch that... awful show, and that episode was the inspiration for these two chapters. But still, I think I did a good job making this updated version.
Brian Corvello, you are the last person in a position to mock MMPR. At least the writers to that show knew the audience they were aiming for and tried to entertain. They frequently succeeded. You’re throwing darts blindly and missing.
Also, you were a probably teenager when that show came out. I was nine. I had more of an excuse for watching that show than you did.
You'll hopefully find this next continuation better than MMPR - at least I hope I can write better than the hacks on that show.
Brian, you can only wish you could write characters as nuanced, layered, and realistic as Bulk and Skull.
Also, the fan who said this crossover deserves to be made into a Cartoon Network made-for-TV movie... well, we can dream, can't we?
Oh, come on. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.
By the way, let me reiterate...
I don't own the rights to "Codename Kids Next Door," "Powerpuff Girls," or the song that appears in the beginning of this chapter.
The song is “I’m Not Gonna Panic” from the dub version of Yu-Gi-Oh! He just copies and pastes the entire lyrics into the story. This is going to be a very irritating and very common trend when we get into his YGO stories.
So then...
Indeed. Onto the scripting of Chapter Twenty, “Darkest Before The Dawn”:
Blossom: Man, this is a tiring jungle. I really hope we get out alive, because I’d hate to think I’m a bad leader! But Him has the brains of a kumquat in this story, so I know he’ll screw up eventually!
Numbah One: Unlike the rest of these spineless bozos I call teammates, I’m not scared! I’m just gonna push on… maybe sing to myself, give the author an excuse to shove one of his favorite songs into the fic…
(Cue lyrics)
Numbah One: FORWARD!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Him: Mweeheehee! I’m so delightfully evil - and NOT GAY OR CAMPY IN THE SLIGHTEST, DO YOU HEAR ME?!? Time to pick on Bubbles!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Bubbles: What’s that?
Numbah One: It’s not a ghost (even though I know ghosts exist).
Bubbles: Aw, why’d you have to open your big mouth?
Blossom: Think positive!
Bubbles: Positive… positive… positive… Where the hell are you guys?
Numbah Five: She’s under an illusion! Let’s stand here and yell instead of trying to shake her out of it!
Bubbles: SHADOWS ARE EATING ME!
Blossom: Think positive!
Bubbles: Oh, like THAT’S going to help!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Him: Watch me twirl my mustache!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Buttercup: Time to call in the superpowerful OC. Vadania?
Vadania: Like, guh! How’re you gonna survive without an author character?
"Even when the darkness rules,
You can show your gifts more fine than jewels.
Bubbles, listen...
You've always been the sweetest one,
You'd give a beauty queen a run.
But sweet does not mean less or meek,
At times you have been far from weak.
I recall a battle in highest flight,
When you faced down the King of Night."
MCT: Holy crap, the meter just gets worse with every poem.
Bubbles: "Highest flight?" she said. "King of night? Wait! I remember!"
(And now, the flashback)
Inside Bubbles's mind:
All my life, I've been afraid of the dark. I always thought that there was something hiding in the darkness waiting to pounce when I went to sleep. I'm a superhero - I felt foolish at having such fear, but I couldn't help it! I couldn't even sleep without the Professor leaving the hallway door cracked open. And Buttercup's scary stories about the Boogeyman never helped either.
But one night we discovered that the Boogeyman was very real! He was the ruler of an army of nocturnal nightmares who lived to scare others. Their problem was, they could only exist in darkness - the sun was lethal to them. But the Boogeyman had a plan to fix that.
He launched a giant disco ball into the sky, eclipsing the sun and threatening to plunge Townsville into eternal night so that his nightmares could party forever. Naturally, we went to stop him, but we were overwhelmed by his demented party-goers. We needed to take out that disco-ball and fast, but when we tried, the Boogeyman followed us, and he took out Blossom and Buttercup, leaving me alone.
I was at first too scared to do it on my own, and I thought I was doomed. But I summoned up the courage to keep at it, and I beat him to it! We took out that disco ball, and the Boogeyman was sent packing. The day was truly saved that night!
MCT: Again, this is the sort of memory that our heroes SHOULD be using to beat Him - being actual heroes, rescuing people and saving the day instead of just gratifying their egos. And again, it’s for a character that’s had next to no effect on the plot.
Bubbles has sat on the sidelines for the entire fic so far. Blossom gets most of the lines, and Buttercup does most of the fighting. Bubbles gets to speak up now and then, but she’s largely a nonentity.
Notice that she isn’t even the star of this flashback - in the episode it references, all three of the girls were equally responsible for destroying the disco ball-cum-Death Star.
Success and fail at the same time, yet again - Brian is batting really low.
(SCENE CHANGE)
Bubbles: I live!
Buttercup: YAY! (HUG)
Bubbles: …too tight.
Numbah One: Now, guys, it’s too early to celebrate.
Numbah Two: Come on! I don’t have any canon fears!
Numbah One: Oh, why’d you have to say that?
(SCENE CHANGE)
Him: Come on! Canon’s not going to stop me!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Blossom: Man, not flying sucks. And I miss my telescopic vision. Is there a way out of here?
Numbah One: There has to be! We’re the heroes, for crying out loud!
Numbah Two: "Well... I don't believe it either!" said Numbah Two. "Just let that jerk try to scare me!"
Numbah 86: The author hasn’t had a chance to screw up my accent for a while, so here I am!
Numbah Two: Aw, crap.
Numbah 86: This is my best R. Lee Ermey impression, but in a kid-friendly, non-swearing way. You suck and I’m willing to say it over and over. Basically, drop and give me infinity!
Numbah Two: EXERCISE? NOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, how can I keep doing push-ups without arms?
Numbah Five: My turn to be a wimp and call in Vadania.
Vadania: You guys really suck, you know that? Be glad I’m here to save your asses.
"Superiors can be a horror true...
They strut and tell you what to do.
Intimidation is their key,
And it impairs your victory.
Numbah Two, listen...
Your wondrous technological skills
Have saved your team from countless ills.
And every time they go to fight,
Your pilot skills take them to flight.
But once, I know, you had it bad
When bested by another dogfaced lad."
MCT: That last line murders the entire idea of poetic meter.
Numbah Three: Aw, she’s being too cryptic again!
Numbah Two: No, she’s not! FLASHBACK TIME!
Inside Numbah Two's mind:
I always prided myself on being one of the greatest flying aces in the Kids Next Door. Heck, there was no 2x4 vehicle I couldn't pilot, and there was no enemy that couldn't outfly me. At least I thought so until one day.
One day I was attacked by another kid who had a 2x4 plane of his own. He shot me down, with a warning to stay out of the sky. I went back to get revenge, but he only handed my butt to me every time, and I couldn't even scratch his plane!
I was about to give up, and it took a pep talk from my supplier - a jerk who I'll never buy from again - to get me to keep going. I discovered how the kid was avoiding my fire, and our next dogfight ended in an indecisive draw.
But then when I finally spoke to the kid, I found out why he had been attacking me. My supplier - that jerk I mentioned - had purposely set us against each other to get us out of the way, so he could destroy every hot dog stand and restaurant in town. Why? He was sick of people getting chili-dog residue all over his dumb countertop. I guess this is a reason why the Kids Next Door don't like adults - they can be crazy.
Me and the kid teamed up, and for all the maniac's efforts to protect his counter, it - and his whole store - were destroyed. I learned a lot from that encounter - namely, you never give up, even when the odds seem against you.
And I'm not about to give up here!
MCT: And we’re right back to selfishness again. I guess this isn’t as bad as Five or Four’s, since the guy was a genuine bastard who deliberately manipulated Hoagie as cover for his destructive behavior (though would a plan like that really work, given the sheer number of crimes it entails?). But in the end, it’s really all about Hoagie.
However, since it does ultimately come down to aiding others, I guess I can give it a pass.
Numbah Two: Got my arms back, and the author’s version of 86 isn’t bitching at me. Score!
Numbah One: Okay, Blossom, we need to talk. Now that the author’s got all the filler out of the way, it’s time he started messing with us.
Blossom: And since our teammates are useless without us, if we go, we’re all screwed. Got it.
(SCENE CHANGE)
Him: WAAAAAAH! WHY ISN’T IT WORKING? Since I don’t have anywhere near my canon level of patience, I’m just going to go after both of them at once!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Numbah One: Whoa, the sky just turned really violent… Well, I guess it’s nothing.
Blossom: Stay calm, everyone- Oh, crap. We just got split off from the rest of the team.
MCT: This bit can’t be scripted…
And then, the unthinkable happened. A mass of tentacles shot up from the crevice! Numbahs Two through Five and Bubbles and Buttercup screamed for help!
"NO!" said Numbah One and Blossom at once.
They tried to run to their comrades, but their feet were rooted to the spot! The tentacles grabbed their six screaming teammates!
"NO!" shouted Numbah One.
"PLEASE!" screamed Blossom.
Numbah One and Blossom stared in horror as their teammates were dragged under, screaming in terror.
MCT: We’re all thinking the same thing. It’s times like this I wished I drank.
Blossom: You know… we really suck.
Numbah One: Yeah, we do.
Numbah Four: Um, boss? We’re still here.
Buttercup: Sis? It’s an illusion! You know, like EVERYTHING ELSE that happened here? Oh, come on! The author couldn’t make them that dumb!
Blossom: (fading)
Numbah One: (fading)
Buttercup: Crap, he did.
Numbah Three: Hey, Deus Sue Machina?
Vadania: Screw you guys. (poof)
Numbah Three: Fuck.
Blossom: Hey, wait a minute… This is probably just an illusion.
Numbah One: You mean like everything else thus far here?
Blossom: Yeah. Think really hard about something good!
Numbah One: On it!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Inside Blossom's mind...
It all started when Mojo Jojo attacked the city with a squad of robots. I tried to lead my sisters into battle against them like I always do, but I screwed up, and wound up doing even more damage. Buttercup came up with a better plan to beat them, and I felt worthless.
Before I knew it, I had become a jinx, and was messing up and breaking everything. I thought I had failed as a leader, so I ran away and got a demeaning job at a hot dog restaurant.
That, of course, gave Mojo enough time to strike. He was able to kidnap the professor, and use him as bait to trap Bubbles and Buttercup. He called me to his lair, and seemed to have set up the perfect trap. If any of us moved an inch, he could send the Professor plummeting into his volcano. He made a steep demand for his safety - that I would become his slave forever!
I had to regain my confidence, back, and fast. That and think of a flaw in his mad trap. I did, and I beat the tar out of him! That was the last time I underestimated myself...
And I won't let my family down again...
MCT: Huh. A hero admitting she can fail, and taking pride in being able to learn from her failure and save the people close to her. I suppose I should have expected Brian to save one of the best anecdotes for one of his favorite characters (I suspect if you counted dialogue attributions, Blossom would have better than half the lines in this story).
(SCENE CHANGE)
Inside Numbah One's mind:
What was my greatest victory? Is there any doubt?
The whole Kids Next Door organization always hero-worshipped Numbah 274. He was supposed to be the best of all time. Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be a real creep?
When he was about to turn thirteen, he refused to face decommissioning quietly. He falsified his age on our records, but he learned too late that his parents had planned to throw him a big birthday party. His only way out was to erase the memories of every operative who had gotten an invitation - like my team - and the only way to do that was to have us decommissioned. So he falsified our ages and let Numbah 86 and her team do their dirty work.
Fortunately, I escaped Numbah 86's clutches. But I got to the Moonbase to late to save my team. Still, I wouldn't give up. I exposed Numbah 274's evil plot, but he decided that if he couldn't be in the Kids Next Door, there wouldn't be any Kids Next Door. He tried to send the whole base hurtling into the sun while he escaped.
But I was somehow able to lead my team even with their memories erased. We came up with a plan that saved the base and brought down Numbah 274 in one fell swoop. It says a lot when you can lead a team when they think your just a stranger.
I didn't give up on them then, and I won't give up now!
MCT: And now we get to one of the worst. This is just Numbah One wanking over his leadership skills. “Oh, I’m SO great! Even when the rest of my team is useless, I can whip them into shape and save the day single-handedly!”
How egotistical can you get? This is all about Numbah One being great and glorious and his team being worthless. Disgusting.
By the way, according to TV Tropes and the KND wiki, Chad was a Teen Operative like Maurice the entire time (although he genuinely turns evil out of sheer hatred of Numbah One near the end of the series). If Numbah One was really as good as he thinks, wouldn’t he have figured it out?
Blossom: We’re safe! EAT IT, Him!
(SCENE CHANGE)
Him: Damn it, why do I suck so bad in this fic? Wait… the spell… it’s not the way I wrote it. …GODDAMIT, Father! You just had to be a stereotypical villain, didn’t you? Great, now I have to take care of things myself!
(SCENE CHANGE)
KND: Our weapons are back!
PPG: So are our powers!
Vadania: Hey, congrats on living so long. By the way, Him’s coming to get you personally. So, you know, since this is a chance for me to actually do something… bye-bye! (poof)
Him: Let’s rumble!
MCT: I think you know how Corvello fight scenes work by now, so… (skips it)
Him: Aw, crap. Don’t kill me?
MCT: And I think I can stop the scripting here. This last bit should be dissected properly.
"How?" he said. "I had worked so hard... studied you so carefully. I had the ultimate weapon! How could you have outdone Newton himself? You were just... children!"
Well, it’s mostly because Father was so stupid that he handed the notebook to his enemies.
"Him, you made a critical mistake," said Numbah One. "You doubted how strong a child's mind can be. All enemies of the Kids Next Door make the same mistake, which is one of the reasons the Kids Next Door exist - to protect children from jerks like you! "
…That doesn’t even work. There’s no logical flow from “All enemies of the KND doubt the strength of children’s minds” to the second half of that sentence. I know the words, but I can’t parse this.
"You could never defeat the three of us," said Blossom. "Did you really think you could defeat all eight of us? And furthermore..."
"Oh, why do you always have to make speeches ?" said Numbah Four. "Can't we just finish this kook off?"
Thank you, Wally.
So they kick Him into an abyss and leave the book.
SCENE CHANGE to Father’s dungeon, where Numbah Five busts Lotus and Snowball out of their cell with an explosive she just happens to be carrying.
"You survived!" said Snowball. "We had assumed the worst..."
"Well we had some help," said Numbah One. "Some strange girl named Vadania..."
"Oh, we sent her," said Lotus.
"Huh?" said Blossom.
"Father was stupid enough to give us the book so we'd know what horrible fate awaited you," said Lotus, showing him the book, "so we wrote in a description of Vadania, along with a way to overcome the effect of the Isle, hoping she would help you."
At which point Numbah One grabbed Lotus by the collar. “You wrote her in?” he said, his breath hot on her face. “You had the chance to do something that could save us, and all you gave us was an elf that stood around and spoke in butchered rhyme? And you call Father stupid?!?” He pushed her to the ground. “When we get out, I’m asking 362 to have your Young at Heart status revoked!”
Numbah One took the book.
"We'll have to store this thing in the Moonbase vault," he said. "So that no-one else ever falls victim to it."
Why? With Vadania in it, it’s apparently useless, so what’s the harm?
Turns out that while we were going through those last two chapters, Father set off with a supervillain army to attack the Moonbase. Numbah One freaks out, and we SCENE CHANGE to the Treehouse:
An hour later, the situation had grown worse.
Not only was the Moonbase not responding, but calls to every KND base had turned up only answering machines.
Numbah One had grown sick of leaving the same message over and over again.
"It's obvious what has happened," said Numbah One. "Father has taken the Moonbase. Every Kids Next Door earthbound team tried to mount a recovery attempt, but failed.
Or they succeeded at beating him and everyone went on vacation.
"Listen closely - he likely has a horde of hostages, and we can only hope he hasn't decided to do... the unthinkable. The ten of us are the only ones who remain to defeat him."
He rubbed his chin.
"Numbah Two, we can't take any normal ship to get there. We need the girl."
But what can Marlo Thomas do in a situation like this?
"Are you nuts?" said Numbah Two. "She hasn't been tested yet!"
"There's never been a better time," said Numbah One. "Let's go."
"The girl?" said Lotus.
The Powerpuff Girls and Snowball were just as confused.
"Wait until you see this," said Numbah Five.
I sense disaster on the wind…
SCENE CHANGE to underneath the tree, where Numbahs One and Five activate a double-voicelock.
"You know," said Numbah Two, "most people think Hippy-Hop is the strongest mecha we have... but they're wrong!"
Great. Brian even has to out-Sue their ROBOT.
The door opened, and into a HUGE hanger.
Standing in the hanger was a colossal robot, about eighty feet high. In shape, it resembled a young girl, with pigtails and a large smile. But rocket engines were attached to her back, and her eyes held a large cockpit.
“Meet… Mega-Maid!”
"There she is," said Numbah One. "Boys, girls, and whatever Snowball is, I give you... A.P.H.R.O.D.I.T.E.!"
(Kids Next Door A.P.H.R.O.D.I.T.E.: Astral Propelling Humanoid Robot Operated by Dark-matter Imitating Terrestrial Entity)
I learned, over the course of my association with Brian Corvello, that Aphrodite is his favorite mythical goddess. Thus his shoehorning the name in here.
"Ugh," said Blossom. "She reminds us of the Dynamo."
"Dynamo?" said Numbah Two.
"Long story," said Bubbles. "Very long story."
"Well, she's the strongest ship we have," said Numbah One. "Now let's get started. We have a rescue mission to attend!"
I look forward to it, if only because it means we’re finally free of ego trips for a while.
Coming up next: It's Moonbase bound, and A.P.H.R.O.D.I.T.E. is leading the way. But this goddess of love is up against a practical god of war, as an army of villains waits to greet her!
Someone start playing “Higher and Higher”!
Our teams of heroes have entered the home stretch, and there's no turning back now! Stay tuned for a chapter I call "Spaced Invaders"!
Oh, come on, that wasn’t even a good movie! Why did you steal the title?