Operation: P.O.W.E.R.P.U.F.F. - Chapter Twenty-Two
I’m so very tired of this story already, but damn it, I’m going to finish what I start.
This is Chapter 22, “Ascension” (a title with even less relevance than before), and once again Brian refers to himself as an “evil teenager”. Did it ever occur to him that he keeps calling himself evil? That’s not usually a good thing.
Stairway after stairway, hallway after hallway, room after room, the team of ten young heroes carefully made their way up.
Oh, goody, NES Ghostbusters game flashbacks.
They had made it to Level Ten without encountering a single enemy since the Rowdyruff Boys, but they had a long way to go. The prison complex (where they guessed - correctly - where the hostages were) was on Level 50; if they got there, they could try to free their comrades to retake the Moonbase with ease - but they still had a long way to go.
Two things here: First, of course they guessed right; this story would be too good if they were incorrect in the assumption. Second, it rather hurts the sense of tension if you state that on finishing Goal A, Goal B will be pie.
So they’re all jumpy, and the KND are worried about Father. The PPG don’t see what the problem is, but the KND tell them that he’s worse than he looks:
"I don't put much stock in old urban legends," said Lotus, "but it is true that I've been fighting Father for much longer than most of the current Kids Next Door… and he won't stop until the world's children are reduced to slavery, completely at the mercy of adults. And he isn't alone in his twisted philosophies. That's why the KND have to do what they do…"
Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup thought for a minute. Was it really that bad? Were children really in such danger?
Action would have to be taken if they got though this, even if it meant a very drastic change of lifestyle…
And there’s the shoestring-thing justification for the PPG abandoning all the world’s adults in order to defend children and children alone. Never mind that they’re dooming untold children to becoming orphans, damn it! It’s the EVIL ADULTS that must be stopped!
The entire idea of the Powerpuff Girls joining the Kids Next Door might sound good, but the more you think about it the more disturbing it becomes.
Bubbles steps on a roach, and suddenly a massive swarm pour out of the walls:
"This many cockroaches can only mean one thing…" said Blossom. "Why don't you show yourself, Roach Coach!"
Out of the shadows stepped a short figure. He looked like an ugly human with antennae, wearing a dirty t-shirt and shorts.
Brian Corvello with deedlybobs, everyone! (Sorry, that was low of me.)
"Hiya, Girls," he said. "Long time, no see."
"Who is this?" said Numbah One, disgusted.
"Long story," said Blossom. She turned to Roach Coach.
"How did you get out of jail?" she demanded. "How did you get your body back? And why are you working for Father? I thought you hated humans!"
"I do," said the Coach, "but you gotta make sacrifices in order to get what you want. After all, what fun can me and my roaches have without anyone to rule? And Father says I can have plenty of bratty kids like you to fulfill that purpose once the Kids Next Door are out of the way - along with a nice private island… like Hawaii."
I’m pretty sure that the palmetto bugs would have some objections if a bunch of nonnative cockroaches moved in. And also, it would be nice to have some explanation as to why Father would recruit a cockroach to assist him.
"Numbah Five says… you nuts…" said Numbah Five.
"I suppose that might be true," said Roach Coach, raising a small whistle. "But I still can handle a bunch of disgusting mammals like you!"
Says someone whose species eats our garbage.
He blew the whistle, but no sound came out…
No audible sound. The roaches heard it. They swarmed out of every opening in the hall, and started to grow into a huge collective, shaping into one giant swarm!
Then they started singing “Shake Your Booty”.
"Battle stations!" said Numbah One.
The swarm took the shape of a giant roach-monster, and bore down on them! The eight youngsters fired their beams in an attempt to burn, freeze, or blast the monster, but the bolts only shot pieces off the thing which were soon replaced by more roaches.
The swarm lashed forth with its hand and shot forth a blast of roaches at the ten of them which latched onto the heroes! They screamed as the insects started biting.
I would just like to remind my readership that we are reading about a battle between preteen secret agents, child superheroines, a samurai knockoff, and a mutant cat versus a creature made from a swarm of roaches. And yet the description here is at a level appropriate for someone picking out their socks.
If you needed a reminder as to why I usually jump over fight scenes in my sporkings of this story, there you go.
Roach Coach laughed as his foes fell to the ground in an effort to shake them off.
And that gave Numbah Four an idea.
We can't fight a shapeless form of insects, he thought, but give me a crack at the guy behind them…
You mean to tell me that nobody in the KND ever carries a can of Raid?
He went up to the huge swarm.
Okay, Numbah Four, he thought, just close your eyes and run…
He charged, right through the swarm of roaches. He felt bites coming from all over him, but after a minute of pushing through, he was in the clear.
CHALLENGE: Write a spitefic where you describe exactly what that must have felt like in more detail than Mr. Corvello was willing to give us. EXTRA POINTS: Make it a darkfic.
He gets through and shoots Roach Coach at point-blank range:
Numbah Four fired his weapon at Roach Coach, and to his surprise, the villain blew up. When the dust cleared, sparking parts of a robot were lying about on the floor.
“He’s a robot? Did anyone else know Brian Corvello is a robot?”
The swarm scattered, and retreated, much to the delight of Numbah Four and his teammates.
"Roaches check in," said Numbah Four, blowing across his weapon, "but they don't check out!"
I call bull. He’s too young to know that tagline.
A small insect crawled out of the wreckage of the robot.
"You haven't seen the last of me!" squeaked a small voice.
Numbah Five spent the next week washing him off of her boot.
Roach Coach runs off, and our heroes spend a moment praising Numbah Four before they move on. SCENE CHANGE:
Two floors later, Numbah Two started slowing down.
"Man am I hungry," he complained.
"Isn't there ever a time when you don't think about eating?" asked Numbah Five, sarcastically.
"Well, yeah," said Numbah Two. "When I'm asleep. And when I'm really sick… and before I go swimming. You really shouldn't eat before you go swimming…"
HAHA FAT GUY THINKS ABOUT FOOD ALL THE TIME. Fuck you, Brian.
Numbah Five sighed, but truthfully, she was pretty hungry herself. They all were. They hadn't eaten since they had left the Treehouse to board A.P.H.R.O.D.I.T.E., and then it was only a light snack that they had thrown together from leftovers. They didn't have the time to get anything really filling, with the Moonbase in danger.
Geez, even the spy agency has crap in-flight food.
"I'm hungry too," moaned Numbah Three.
"Tell me about it," said Snowball. "I'm about ready to start looking for mice…"
I’m not a biologist, but isn’t Snowball far past the size/mass ratio for mice to be an acceptable food source?
Turns out there’s a cafeteria on this floor, but SCENE CHANGE strikes:
As they reached the doors of the cafeteria, Father watched them with eager eyes.
That's it, brats, he thought, you're right where I want you…
It was where he’d set up the cameras for his AFHV attempt.
SCENE CHANGE:
The ten youths entered the large cafeteria, a place where KND soldiers ate on breaks. A strong smell wafted through the air…
Pepperoni… tomatoes… onions… mushrooms… garlic…
Hair…
"Looks like we're in luck," said Bubbles. "Someone left fresh-baked pizza in here!"
"TOO fresh-baked if you ask me…" said Blossom, pausing.
“It’s DiGiorno’s! I knew it!”
Then they heard a giggling sound.
"Numbah Five knows that giggle…" said Numbah Five. "She's in here!"
"Show yourself, Grandma Stuffum!" said Numbah One, as they all assumed attack formation.
Three-point stance, one leg cocked, ready to spring for the door when needed.
Turns out that Lotus and Grandma Stuffum have fought before:
"You've met her before?" asked Numbah One.
"Grandma Stuffum was a thorn in the KND's side before you guys were even commissioned," said Lotus. "She was responsible for the infamous Stuffed Peppers Offensive of 1998."
Is every food item more complex than ravioli considered evil by this bunch?
"As for how I'm doing," said Stuffum, "horrible, lately. This Moonbase is a culinary nightmare. You kids keep nothing here but junk, and I have nothing good to work with! But with the help of my new partner, I was able to throw something together…"
"New partner?" said Buttercup.
Echo-o-o-o…
Turns out that Brian is planning to reuse Shogun Roquefort as well, and he and Stuffum have something in the back:
The two of them moved aside from the door, and Grandma Stuffum raised a spoon… A rumbling was heard…
"Be ready for anything, team!" said Numbah One.
The two doors smashed open, and a huge form slithered out. It looked huge and amorphous, made of molten cheese! Covering it were large pieces of pizza toppings!
“PIZZA THE HUTT!”
I have to call foul here. This is the fourth blob monster so far this story. We had Stay-Puft in the opening chapters, the ice cream monster in the middle, the roach thing at the start of this chapter, and now this “pizza fiend”. Get a new idea, villains!
The thing let out a guttural roar, and the smell of tomato sauce filled the air!
"Somebody order an extra large with everything?" said Stuffum. "Get them my pizza fiend!"
Comma needed.
I think you know the beats of the fight scene by now. The only difference between this and all the other blob battles is that Lotus and Snowball are present. I’ll just point out some of the low points:
The pizza fiend grabbed five tentacle-fulls of large pepperoni slices and hurled them like lethal Frisbees!
"Eat the floor!" shouted Numbah One.
…damn, Brian really has a problem with literary inertia, doesn’t he? That should be “hit the floor”.
After a man-eating anchovy attack:
Three of the deadly fish latched onto Snowball. She meowed in pain!
"All right!" growled Snowball. "You want to bite Snowball, then Snowball's gonna bite back!"
She grabbed the three anchovies off of her and promptly swallowed them!
Oh, sure, attack a cat with fish.
And now, late into the fight, a genuinely amusing scene:
"It won't be long now," said Roquefort. "Soon my mozzarella monster will devastate them!"
Stuffum looked at him.
"Yours?" she said. "I did just as much to create that pizza fiend as you did!"
"Huh!" laughed Roquefort. "Don't make me laugh, Granny! All you did was provide the magic to animate it. You couldn't make a good pizza if your life depended on it! The only food you know how to make is garbage that even adults hate!"
"What?" said Stuffum. "What's wrong with my cooking?"
"Everything!" said Roquefort. "Didn't you notice that no-one even touched that liverwurst casserole that you brought to last year's We Hate The Kids Next Door Barbecue?"
"As if you know anything about a proper diet, Mr. My-Cholesterol-Must-Be-Through-The-Roof!"
I’d also like to point out that this is one of the few scenes in this story that isn’t a textbook case of Said Bookism.
Lotus proceeds to interrupt like the tramp that she is:
"Give it up, you loon," said Lotus. "I heard the whole story about how Numbah Two beat you…" She chuckled. "You knocked yourself out on the ceiling… hilarious!"
The Shogun swung at her with his sword in a rage.
"Do you know how long it took for the other villains to stop laughing at me after that happened?" he shouted. "And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful memory. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour salt on it!"
BLATANT THEFT ALERT on that last line, even if I can’t identify the source offhand.
Lotus proceeds to walk all over Roquefort and Stuffum, and when Brian is done with his one-handed exercise, we cut back to the pizza monster:
"Fall back guys," said Numbah Two, "I'm gonna try something new!"
They ran away from the fiend, and Numbah Two opened his duffle bag. He took out four pieces of equipment, and screwed them together, forming a large, tubular weapon.
"All right you oversized piece of junk food," he said. "Let's see if you can take a blast from this B.O.O.Z.O.O.K.A.!"
Why the monster didn’t just eat him while he was busy assembling the damn thing is an unanswered question.
(Kids Next Door B.O.O.Z.O.O.K.A.: Ballistic Oscillator Outstandingly Zaps Orange Ooze Krushing Adversaries)
Numbah Two got down on his knee and pulled the trigger; a blast of orange energy shot forth, with the kickback sending him tumbling.
The blast hit the pizza fiend squarely, and an explosion of mozzarella and orange slime showered around the whole room!
So even though it could take repeated blasts from all their other weapons, Numbah Two can one-shot it with that? Lame.
"Eww!" shouted Numbah Three, as the mess splattered on everybody.
"What a waste of food," said Numbah Five.
Still, it had done the job - the pizza fiend was vanquished.
No “Wow, we won!”, Numbah Five just bitches.
SCENE CHANGE:
After tying up Shogun Roquefort and Grandma Stuffum, the ten members of the team raided the kitchen for anything that they hadn't corrupted. They needed nourishment more than ever now, and fortunately, the place was still well stocked.
If I were a villain, I’d poison everything not used in the monster. But then again, I’m not a Brian Corvello villain.
Meanwhile, Father brooded in his command center.
"I should have known that telling Stuffum and Roquefort to work together was a disaster waiting to happen," he sighed.
To quote Kermit the Frog, “Me not crazy?!? I HIRED these people!”
"What should we do now?" said the Delightful Children.
Father looked at a computer screen, showing a layout of the Moonbase.
Is now really a time for Minesweeper?
"If they keep going at their current route, they're going to have to go through the stadium arena on Level 17 sooner or later… much more likely sooner.
"Tell our first squadron to meet them there and repel them. They should slow them down at least… I hope…"
So what if they’re going to get slaughtered? You should always at least pretend to have confidence in your minions.
SCENE CHANGE:
Indeed, the team got to Level 17 sooner than they had expected. They had located an elevator that they managed to operate, one that promised to take them straight to the prison level.
But it was too good to be true. At Level 17, the elevator screeched to a halt and wouldn't move. They had to force it open and take their chances with the main building, without the slightest idea where they were.
Level 17… I think that’s “The Creeper”.
They’re in total darkness, and after a bit of bickering, Snowball’s eyes glow:
"Snowball?" stammered Numbah Three.
"Didn't you guys know that cats are nocturnal?" said Snowball. "They can see in dim light, and given my mutation, I can see practically as well in darkness as I can in daylight."
BZZT. The reason a cat’s eyes work like that is because they reflect light. Without light, they’re as blind as we are. Cats can’t see in total darkness, mutated or not.
"So where are we?" said Numbah One.
"A very large room," she said. "Large bleachers… goalposts… we're on a football gridiron!"
"The stadium arena on Level 17!" said Numbah Four. "It's where isometric exercises like football are practiced.
No... I thought it was where the track and field team held meets!
They head for the light switches, but Numbah Three sniffs out male teenagers:
They were staring in the faces of a squad of burly teenagers wearing football jerseys and helmets, the glowing optics of the lenses of their eyes staring at them.
The ten youngsters formed fighting stances and backed up. The football players growled.
If it’s the Detroit Lions, you have nothing to fear.
"What are they waiting for?" whispered Bubbles.
"For their leader to show up," grumbled Numbah One.
The tough jocks parted and a figure came through.
Charlie McDonald?
Nah, it’s Chad. After some childish putdowns I won’t dignify by reposting:
You remember my team, the Jets, don't you? Glad you could make it to our little scrimmage folks. I can promise you this game will have a clear-cut winner, but it will definitely end in sudden death!"
He hit his left hand with his right fist.
And broke his knuckles.
"Chad," said Numbah One, "let me say something if I may…"
"Yeah?" said 274.
"When you were in the Kids Next Door, none of us minded your egotism, or your perfectionism, or your selfless bragging, or the fact that you took more than your share of the credit…"
"In fact, those were the reasons why we all loved you!" said Numbah Five.
"But Chad," said Numbah One, "you betrayed us, and turned into the very thing that you had worked so hard all your young life to fight.
Two things:
1. He didn’t actually betray anybody until his jealousy of Numbah One got in the way at the end of the series. Did Brian not realize that?
2. This is yet another “HATE THIS GUY” speech like all the others we’ve dealt with up to this point. Brian has a problem letting us see the bad side of his villains by, you know, having them be villains. He always has a character state it outright.
Sometimes I wonder how you sleep at night!"
"On a very relaxing king-size bed with one of those new space-age technology mattresses," said Chad. "Father gave me one."
I’ll give Brian some credit: he didn’t have Chad answer “On top of a pile of money, with lots of beautiful ladies.” I bet he wanted to, though.
After one last insult from Numbah One, they prepare for battle:
"Team, huddle!" said Numbah One.
The ten of them formed into a huddle.
"Okay everyone," he said. "They've got a powerful offensive side here, so we've got to hit them with a powerful offensive of our own. Standard Statue of Liberty play, when the buzzer goes off, we hit them hard and fast. Time is of the essence. Watch out for the tight ends, and try to take out the center and the receiver as soon as possible! Keep you eyes on the tackles, because they're trouble! Got it?"
“Third down, bases are loaded, full count, and we’re pulling the goalie!”
"Got it," said Numbah Five.
"Got it," said Buttercup.
"Uh, I don't get it," said Numbah Four.
Numbah Five slapped him in the back of the head.
The dope slap: one of those things you just can’t screw up.
After one final warning to the PPG not to risk the X-Ecutioner field, we get another Corvello fight scene. I’ll just list off the football jokes he used instead of trying to recap it, starting with one that isn’t:
"Numbah Five's goin' for a squeeze play!" she said, constricting him with her legs.
He gasped and fell over.
"No wait," she said. "Ain't that baseball?"
See my earlier Braindead 13 quote.
"Get ready," he said, "cause I'm about to commit an illegal use of hands infraction!"
…..
"We took out your whole offensive line, Chadworth!" said Numbah One.
"Then it's time to try for a field goal," said Chad.
…..
"That's it!" he said, picking up the dropped remote. "Time for the shotgun play!"
…..
"Too bad," said Numbah Two. "Another three yards and he would've made first down!"
If you’re going to do a football-themed fight, shouldn’t you use more than four football jokes?
One more thing before I put the fight scene to bed: a misspelling that must be commented on.
They turned around, and watched as the footballs slowed down and changed course, turning around!
"HEAT SEAKERS!" said Numbah Two.
It takes a determined mind to miss blowing a word like “seekers”, though in Brian’s defense, Microsoft Word spell-checkers ignore all-caps.
So… After defeating the Jets and overcoming Chad’s missile footballs:
The Powerpuff Girls uprooted the goalpost.
"Well, if you did have the X-Ecutor Field on you," said Blossom, "I doubt it's still working…"
They wrapped the metal post around Chad to tie him up.
Crushing every bone in his body.
"Great work, people," said Numbah One.
"So now what?" said Blossom. "We beat him, but we're never gonna make it through the next twenty-three levels! We'll collapse first!"
“Where’s that little mouse with the secret tunnels?”
"Have hope, people," said Numbah Four. He went up to a wall and pushed a button. A large cooler and several glasses came out.
He started to pour something that looked like root beer out of the tap.
"This is Numbah 19's Marvelous Mixture, that he developed for sporting events," he said. "Energizes better than Gatorade. And I think we need it right now…"
If I were a villain, I would drug that stuff. But that’s just me.
SCENE CHANGE:
In his command center, Father hit himself on the head.
"I think Numbah 274 was less of a pain when he was IN the Kids Next Door!" he mused. "Oh, he was a big hero when he was there, but the instant he leaves, he turns into a loser!"
Yep. Brian missed the “Chad’s an operative” memo.
He turned to the shadowy figure behind him.
"We'd best put our last-ditch plan in motion, my new apprentice," he said. "Get to your position, and if that group makes it there… you know what to do…"
The figure saluted, and left.
You know, there’s “air of mystery”, and then there’s “I don’t think you knew what you had planned yourself”.
Coming up next: The heroes fight there way through three more villainous threats, but after they deal with them, they must face Father's mysterious new recruit! Who could it be? The answer might shock you! This fanfic is nearly over - only three chapters to go! Don't dare miss it! You're in, or your old!
One: homonym fail. Two: Way to blow that the heroes will just march through the threats. Three: My old what?