Fic (Futurama/ Firefly): Take My Robot (Bender, Jayne, Firefly crew)
Take My Robot
Futurama/ Firefly (Crossover, Bender, Jane, Firefly crew, PG)
Author's Notes: Written for Smercy for Multiverse5000. A couple of months ago I submitted a story for multiverse5000, which I neglected to mention here, because it was submitted while still very substandard - to the point where I actually asked if I could submit it under another name. The mod refused - and she was right to do so. It was stupid. But you know how we all get a little insane about our fic sometimes, right? Anyway, reading it recently I decided it's really not so bad, even if it could use a little cleaning up.
So I got over myself, rejigged it and reposted here. Not my best work but it's something I've finished this year and I'd like to think I'm still in this fanfic game, even if evidence is leaning toward the contrary.
The dockside freight handlers sure knew how to throw a party. With all that dancing and singing and chopsticks tossing Bender hadn't had a chance to drink all night. Then there was that weird kid following him around giving him the heeby-robot-jeebies. Or maybe it was the liquid nitrogen capsules he'd stolen from the dockside infirmary and stashed in his stomach compartment that were causing him to shiver? Those things might be worth a small fortune on the black market but they were always popping inside him and freezing up his data dump. He was going to be constipated all week at this rate.
The Planet Express ship was parked in the 5th row, level 9. Or was it 9th row level 5? Was there even a 9th row? Or maybe he was thinking of the docking system on Ariel? If only he'd visited the bar at least once in the night, he wouldn't be feeling like someone had poured marshmallow over his receptor circuits and dumped him in a giant cup of hot cocoa.
He plodded along until he found row 5 and there she was: the Planet Express ship. Just where he'd left her.
"Baby," he said. "I knew you wouldn't desert me." He staggered up the ramp and tried not to fall flat on his face as he tripped over a cargo container. Who in hell left a cargo container in front of the entrance? And where were the lights? Weird how the Planet Express ship seemed bigger in the dark. He switched to night vision. Nothing happened. He tried again and it was still dark. Liquid Nitrogen capsule, he realised. They'd freeze dried his night vision. Fortunately he still had appendages. He waved his arms in front of him until he hit solid metal and padded the metal for a couple of seconds. And then he extended his feet in front of him and got knocked in the shins.
It felt like a staircase. When did the Planet Express ship get a staircase? And where did it go? He could never resist a mystery, especially if it meant there was a staircase involved, so he grabbed the railing and pulled himself up the stairs.
He was five stairs up when he realised he still hadn't had a drink and there was liquid nitrogen between his auditory receptors. He promptly teetered, swayed, fell down the stairs and landed flat on his back on the floor.
He decided to stay there.
*
He dreamed he saw the weird kid's face. The one that was following him around the dockside freight handlers' party. He blinked and realised he wasn't dreaming but was wide awake and actually looking up at said weird kid's face.
"Beat it, kid," he said. "I'm trying to sleep."
She angled her head to the left, but she was upside down so it was probably her right. Bender still hadn't had a drink and he wasn't sure if he was straight or she was.
He heard a voice behind her. "River, what is it? What did you find?"
"He followed me home," the weird kid said. "Can I keep him?"
He followed her home? Oh, that was great. Now he was being accused of stalking crazy humans. Slander! "Listen, lady…" He sat up and his head spun. The weird kid took a step back. "Oh, man," he said. "That was some party."
"River," the other voice said. "You know the Captain doesn't like robots."
Who the hell was the Captain? Where the hell were Leela and Fry? Bender looked around for a familiar face. He saw the weird kid, some fancy pants that looked a little like a male version of the weird kid, and a staircase. Damn. He'd tried to climb that thing last night. What was he thinking? Hang on - Bender ran a quick scan of his receptors. All online systems - bar the night vision - were operational. Sort of. Things were a little fuzzy around the edges. He took another look: weird kid, fancy pants, stairs. This wasn't the Planet Express ship. This was some junk yard, rust-bucket flown by robot haters and a weirdo who wanted to turn him into her pet Nibbler.
"Okay, okay," Bender said, holding up his hands. "I see what's going on here - I'm on the wrong ship." He stood up and walked over to the cargo bay doors. "If you excuse me, my friends are probably looking for me, so I'll just be on my way. Nice meeting you freaks." He pulled at the door. It was shut tight. "Uh," he said. He looked at fancy pants. "You mind helping me out here?"
"I can't," fancy pants said.
"Whaddya mean, you can't? Am I being kidnapped or something? Kidnapping a robot is a crime. Haven't you seen the public service announcements?"
"We're in space, you idiot," a new voice said. A tall guy in tight pants came down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and looked sternly at the weird kid. "Where in gorram's name did the robot come from?"
“It’s not River’s fault,” fancy pants said. “He followed her home.”
Another human appeared at the top of the stairs. “We have a robot?” she said. She was cute if a robot were into that kind of thing. Bender could be as kinky as the next artificial life form but humans were just too squishy. The cute human ran past tight pants and got up in Bender’s face. “A bending unit,” she said. “Circa 3000, I’d say. An antique.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Bender said, waving her away. “Collector’s item; all valuable and stuff. But listen, don’t get any ideas about selling me on F-bay. I’m an emancipated robot. I’ve got papers and all.” He opened his chest compartment and sorted through its contents. He found an umbrella, a book on Proust, a full set of Old Russia Matryoshka dolls and a bikini. Man, that was some party last night.
“Relax,” tight pants said. “No one is selling anything that can talk back on f-bay.” He nodded toward fancy pants and the weird kid. “If we were, I’d have gotten rid of these two long ago.”
“You’re in pretty good shape,” the cute one said. She rubbed his head. “No decomp, no oxidisation.“
“A robot‘s got to take care of himself,” Bender said, dusting himself off. A self respecting robot takes pride in his appearance after all. “And I know a guy who used to work in cryogenics. Kind of handy for keeping on the young side.”
“Shiny,” the cute human said.
“Don’t you forget it, sister,” Bender said.
“I don’t much care for robot’s,” tight pants said. “In the war the Alliance used robots on the front line. They got all confused and killed their own. Never trusted anything that couldn’t work out whose side it was one.”
“Hey, those things are nothing but circuits and metal refuse crudely thrown together to resemble a robot. My kind don’t take kindly to comparisons between us good, decent robots and those electronic scrap heaps.”
“Don’t mind the Captain,” the cute human said. “He gets kind of antsy when he’s woken up from his beauty sleep.”
Tight pants rubbed his face. “I ain’t taken on anymore passengers,” he said. “’Specially not robots. Somebody wake up Wash and tell him we’re going back to Veda to drop off a robot.”
“We’ve got a robot?” Bender looked up and saw a guy in a loud shirt standing at the top of the stairs next to a vision of loveliness. There were some other humans too: a human in a dress, a human with white hair and a really stupid looking human that reminded Bender of Fry - if Fry carried a really big gun and looked kind of mean.
But Bender was fixated on the vision of loveliness. Humans and robots were never a good idea. They started out well enough with human and robot determined to beat the odds and be trailblazers in a brave new world, but inevitably it ended up with someone out the airlock while the robot sang, “Daisy, Daisy." Bender had heard the stories, but he’d been around humans for a long time. He was even starting to smell like one. He sniffed under his arm: two parts oil, one part metal alloy and one part pizza. Kind of human.
Also, he was so alcohol deprived, the guy with the white hair was starting to look good. “Listen, baby.” He leered at the vision of loveliness as she reached the bottom of the stairs. “I don’t know what you know about robots, but let me tell you a little story about a guy we used to call the Energizer Bunny…”
“Aw, honey, he likes you,” the guy in the loud shirt said.
“Shiny,” the vision of loveliness said, without smiling. Direct. Bender liked that in a girl. No messing around. And what was this ‘honey’ business? Why was the guy in the loud shirt calling Bender's true love 'honey?'
“River’s new friend,” tight pants said. “Must have followed her home from the dockside party.”
“I can’t hear him,” the weird kid said.
Bender had been accused of being obnoxious, rude and belligerent, but never quiet. “There is something wrong with that kid,” he said.
“You don’t know the half of it,” tight pants said.
“She means she can’t hear what he’s thinking,” fancy pants said. “He’s a robot. No thoughts to read. It must be kind of - nice, for her.”
“Huh,” tight pants said. “Well, in that case, count yourself lucky, robot. You’re the one person in the room the telepath can‘t read.”
Bender didn‘t give a mutant‘s solitary eyeball whether the telepath could read him or not. “Call me ‘Bender,’” he said. “And you -” He leered at the vision of loveliness again. “- Just call me.” He opened his chest compartment again. “I got a number in here somewhere.” He threw out a stapler, the black box recorder from the Planet Express Ship and a book on shag pile carpets.
“It’s weird how he does that,” fancy pants said.
“Sir,” the vision of loveliness said to tight pants. “It’s a robot.”
“I’m none too happy about it either,” tight pants said. “But aside from being a little colourful, he seems harmless.”
Bender tried to get a better look at the vision of loveliness’s legs, and swayed a little. He really needed a drink.
“You know,” the human in the dress said, stepping closer. “I think he’s drunk.”
“Bending unit 22,” the weird kid said. “Alcohol fuelled.”
Finally, Bender thought. Someone got it. He was sorry for having called the weird kid ‘weird,’ now. Except she was.
“You mean to be telling me he’s drunk on his own fuel?” tight pants said.
“He’s alcohol fuelled, Captain,” the cute human said. “He needs alcohol to be functioning like normal.”
“Out of all the crazy things in this here ‘verse that nearly takes the prize,” tight pants said. “Wash, turn this ship around, we’re taking the robot back to Veda. Jayne, put the robot in the hold and keep an eye on him. And for gorram’s sake, someone get him a beer.”
*
Figuring Jayne to be a girl’s name, Bender thought he was to be locked in the hold with the vision of loveliness; which suited him fine. He always performed better when there was a lack of competition. Turned out, Jayne was the stupid looking one with the really big gun. What’s more, he was not only looked stupid, he was dumber than a folding unit 64 - and those things didn’t know how to tell sheets from paper. Bender dated a folding unit once. Just because they were dumb didn't mean they were unattractive.
The stupid looking human was cradling his gun and staring at Bender like he couldn’t wait for Bender to make a wrong move so he could pop him between the optical sensors.
"So what is it you guys do?" Bender said, opening his chest compartment and taking out a cigar. He lit it with his finger Zippo and took a long puff. "Are you like pirates or something?" The cute human and the weird kid weren't really pirate material, but the rest of them looked kind of scary if you shut your eyes and imagined them all with guns and eye patches.
"Something," the stupid looking human said.
"You're not a bunch of mercenaries, are you? Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? Because I'm cool with that, you know. Power to the people. Liberte, fraternite, maternity and all that stuff." Just his luck to land in with a bunch of freedom fighters. Next thing he knew he'd be chained to a space station garbage refuse pipe singing, ‘we shall not be moved…'
"We do what we got to do," the stupid human said. "Man's got to make a living. Can't live off good deeds."
"Ain't that the truth," Bender said. So maybe there was booty on board? He held out the cigar. "Want one?"
The stupid looking human's eyes went wide. "You got another?"
"Sure." Bender opened up his chest compartment. "Now where did I put it..." He pulled out a stuffed bear, two cans of Slurm, and a toy piano. Eventually he produced the cigar. "Ah, here it is.” He handed the cigar to the stupid human and lit it with the Zippo.
"Gorram, if it ain't been years since I had one of these," the stupid human said, taking a couple of short puffs. "Where'd you get it?"
“Fell off the back of a space hauler.”
“Yeah? Guess you got lucky.”
“Guess I did.” Man that human sure was stupid. Bender could probably convince him that Robot Santa wasn’t real.
There was a knock on the door and the cute human entered carrying a pitcher and a tin cup. “We’re fresh out of beer,” she told Bender. “But Simon said you could have some of his moonshine.” She poured a cup and gave it to Bender.
He shot it down in one. “Holy Mom‘s long underwear!” Bender said. “That stuff is strong enough to clean the barnacles off the underside of my abdominal chamber. Or maybe those are shock absorbers? Damn, where’s that manual...?” He opened up his chest compartment, rummaged around inside and fished out the manual. “Nope, no shock absorbers under the abdominal chamber. Must be barnacles.”
“What in gorram hell is the Doc doing with moonshine?” the stupid human said. “And why didn’t I know about it?”
“It’s medicinal,” the cute human said. “And we didn’t want to tell you about it because - well, it’s medicinal. Here - ” She gave the rest of the pitcher to Bender. “If you need more just ask.”
“No one ever tells me anything,” the stupid human said as the cute human left.
“I hear you, buddy” Bender said, refilling his cup. “Whenever they need something nasty done, it’s all, ‘where’s Jayne?’ but when it comes to sharing the spoils, I bet all you get is an equal cut - just like everybody else.”
“Gorram straight,” the stupid human said. He eyed the moonshine enviously.
“Well, listen,” Bender said. He knocked back his second cup and promptly refilled it. “I’m with you pal. You want moonshine? You got moonshine. Take one on me.” He handed the cup to the stupid human. “You deserve it.”
The stupid human took the cup and took a long swig. His eyes suddenly went wide and he looked like he was going to spit it all out again, but he swallowed and blinked a few times and then he let out a loud, “Woooaaaaahhh!" He shook himself. "That was something!”
“Just like Mom used to make,” Bender said, and he let out of puff of cigar smoke.
*
Several cups of moonshine later and the stupid human was waving the pitcher from side to side and singing a song about himself. Apparently there was some crazy planet out there where he was a legend and they’d written a song about him.
“...Turned out I was a hero to those folk,” the stupid human told Bender. “Had a statue and everything.”
“Yeah, well, I was God once,” Bender said, pouring himself another cup of moonshine. Man that stuff was good. Medicinal too. Bender felt great. Simon - whoever he was - should be proud.
The stupid human wasn’t looking too good though. He had one arm around his gun and the other around the pitcher and every now and then he’d start singing something along the lines of, “stood up to the man and he gave him what for...” which would be fine ordinarily but he really couldn’t carry a tune.
“You were a dog?” the stupid human said and then he started to laugh. “Heh heh heh... fetch robot!” He threw the stub of his cigar across the room. “Fetch!”
"That's right," Bender said. "I was a dog." He knocked back his moonshine and poured another. "Here, statue guy, have one more."
"Don't mind if I do," the stupid human said, taking the cup from Bender. He had trouble getting the cup from his hand to his mouth and he was starting to look a little green. Or maybe the colour on Bender's optical sensors was off. He was due for a refit.
The stupid human took a mouthful of moonshine and placed the cup carefully on the floor beside him. "You know," he said, swaying a little. "You sure are funny looking." His head promptly dropped to the side and he closed his eyes.
Really, it shouldn't be so easy to rob stupid people. Leela would probably tell Bender it wasn't fair or it wasn't right or it wasn't profitable, but Bender figured they were only going to do something stupid with their loot, so it was a mission of mercy really. He was putting these good, stupid people out of the misery of having to spend their money. There ought to be a medal.
Bender tip-toed past the sleeping stupid human and opened the door. It wasn't locked. They probably figured the stupid human and his oversized gun were enough for a small robot. Or maybe they just really did think he was harmless. Boy, were they stupid.
The corridor outside was dark and empty. Bender’s night vision was still on the fritz so he had to feel his way down the corridor back to the cargo hold. Events leading up to his containment were kind of crazy with the stupid human whining about babysitting the robot and the human in the loud shirt telling Bender that if he put his shiny metal hand on his wife's ass one more time, the guy in the loud shirt was going to turn Bender's torso into a hood ornament. In his un-inebriated state, it was tough remembering what happened between the cargo bay and the hold let alone exact locations and directions. Fortunately, Bender had instant recall and could rewind and play the whole thing back in technicolour. Damn. He really did belch in front of the vision of loveliness. Ah, well, some chicks dig that in a robot. Nothing plugging up these pipes, baby.
The rewind tape was mostly legs and asses and the stupid human's gun getting in Bender's face, but he noticed some interesting compartment type things along the walkway and he was thinking they looked just like the kind of places stupid people would hide their booty. He decided to check those out first.
Turned out, the first one he tried wasn't even locked. That wasn't a good sign. Nothing good is ever left out in the open where anyone can take it. Bender knew that from experience. Bender lifted the door and peered inside. It was deep - and there was a ladder. He decided to climb down and investigate further. Maybe this was a guard room, a place for the guy keeping any eye on the treasure to take a nap. That would explain the bed against the wall and the impressive collection of guns. Of course, there was no explanation for the smelly pile of laundry in the corner and the strange fungus growing off a plate on the floor beside the bed.
Then the light went on, and a gun appeared in the entry hatch. "Getting a man drunk so you can break out of prison is one thing, breaking into his private space is just plain disrespectful." The stupid human poked his head through the hatch. He didn't look as drunk as he did when Bender left him which meant he either had the fastest metabolic rate in the universe or he wasn't as stupid as Bender thought he was.
"Ah, I guess this isn't the little robot's room?" Bender said.
The not-so stupid human climbed down the ladder. He teetered a little when he got to the bottom, but otherwise he managed to stay upright and keep the gun trained on Bender. "Believe me, there ain’t nothing on this ship worth stealing. If there were, I’d have taken it and been long gone by now." He looked thoughtful. "Or I would have thought about it anyway."
"No loot?" Bender said. "What kind of pirates are you?"
"The kind that don't make any money," the stupid human said.” That probably sounds stupid to you. Sounded pretty stupid to me too at first. But if you have a bed, and people who don't put you out the airlock when you mess stuff up, then you don't need money. Well, not a lot anyway."
If Bender had eyeballs he would have rolled them. "Sheesh," Bender said. "Isn't there some kind of convention against torturing prisoners with boring stories?"
Tight pants poked his head into the entry hatch. "Everything all right down there?"
"I was just showing the robot my guns, Captain," the stupid human said. He gave Bender a look. "Right, robot?"
"Sure," Bender said, sighing. "Those are some nice guns."
*
They landed on Veda and the stupid human escorted Bender all the way back to the Planet Express ship. Bender asked the vision of loveliness if she wanted to come along but she said she'd rather stick branding irons in her eyeballs. It was weird how many women said that to him.
The Planet Express ship crew were waiting at the bottom of the loading bay ramp.
“Bender!” Fry said. “You’re back! We looked everywhere for you!”
Leela shrugged. “We looked under the docks.”
“I looked in the mall,” Amy said.
"You should take better care of your robot," the stupid human said. "He could get into trouble."
"They sure should," Bender said, glaring at Leela and Fry.
"Thanks for bringing him back," Fry said to the stupid human.
"If he stole anything, we'll bring it back," Leela said. "We'll even waive our usual delivery fee."
"He didn't steal anything," the stupid human said, and he tipped his hat to Leela, turned around and walked back to his ship.
"Did you really not steal anything?" Fry asked Bender.
Bender pulled an orange woollen hat out of his chest compartment and put it on his head. "It's kind of funny looking," he said. "Do you think it's valuable?"
"No," Leela said, and they turned around and walked up the loading bay ramp into the Planet Express ship.
End.
Futurama/ Firefly (Crossover, Bender, Jane, Firefly crew, PG)
Author's Notes: Written for Smercy for Multiverse5000. A couple of months ago I submitted a story for multiverse5000, which I neglected to mention here, because it was submitted while still very substandard - to the point where I actually asked if I could submit it under another name. The mod refused - and she was right to do so. It was stupid. But you know how we all get a little insane about our fic sometimes, right? Anyway, reading it recently I decided it's really not so bad, even if it could use a little cleaning up.
So I got over myself, rejigged it and reposted here. Not my best work but it's something I've finished this year and I'd like to think I'm still in this fanfic game, even if evidence is leaning toward the contrary.
The dockside freight handlers sure knew how to throw a party. With all that dancing and singing and chopsticks tossing Bender hadn't had a chance to drink all night. Then there was that weird kid following him around giving him the heeby-robot-jeebies. Or maybe it was the liquid nitrogen capsules he'd stolen from the dockside infirmary and stashed in his stomach compartment that were causing him to shiver? Those things might be worth a small fortune on the black market but they were always popping inside him and freezing up his data dump. He was going to be constipated all week at this rate.
The Planet Express ship was parked in the 5th row, level 9. Or was it 9th row level 5? Was there even a 9th row? Or maybe he was thinking of the docking system on Ariel? If only he'd visited the bar at least once in the night, he wouldn't be feeling like someone had poured marshmallow over his receptor circuits and dumped him in a giant cup of hot cocoa.
He plodded along until he found row 5 and there she was: the Planet Express ship. Just where he'd left her.
"Baby," he said. "I knew you wouldn't desert me." He staggered up the ramp and tried not to fall flat on his face as he tripped over a cargo container. Who in hell left a cargo container in front of the entrance? And where were the lights? Weird how the Planet Express ship seemed bigger in the dark. He switched to night vision. Nothing happened. He tried again and it was still dark. Liquid Nitrogen capsule, he realised. They'd freeze dried his night vision. Fortunately he still had appendages. He waved his arms in front of him until he hit solid metal and padded the metal for a couple of seconds. And then he extended his feet in front of him and got knocked in the shins.
It felt like a staircase. When did the Planet Express ship get a staircase? And where did it go? He could never resist a mystery, especially if it meant there was a staircase involved, so he grabbed the railing and pulled himself up the stairs.
He was five stairs up when he realised he still hadn't had a drink and there was liquid nitrogen between his auditory receptors. He promptly teetered, swayed, fell down the stairs and landed flat on his back on the floor.
He decided to stay there.
*
He dreamed he saw the weird kid's face. The one that was following him around the dockside freight handlers' party. He blinked and realised he wasn't dreaming but was wide awake and actually looking up at said weird kid's face.
"Beat it, kid," he said. "I'm trying to sleep."
She angled her head to the left, but she was upside down so it was probably her right. Bender still hadn't had a drink and he wasn't sure if he was straight or she was.
He heard a voice behind her. "River, what is it? What did you find?"
"He followed me home," the weird kid said. "Can I keep him?"
He followed her home? Oh, that was great. Now he was being accused of stalking crazy humans. Slander! "Listen, lady…" He sat up and his head spun. The weird kid took a step back. "Oh, man," he said. "That was some party."
"River," the other voice said. "You know the Captain doesn't like robots."
Who the hell was the Captain? Where the hell were Leela and Fry? Bender looked around for a familiar face. He saw the weird kid, some fancy pants that looked a little like a male version of the weird kid, and a staircase. Damn. He'd tried to climb that thing last night. What was he thinking? Hang on - Bender ran a quick scan of his receptors. All online systems - bar the night vision - were operational. Sort of. Things were a little fuzzy around the edges. He took another look: weird kid, fancy pants, stairs. This wasn't the Planet Express ship. This was some junk yard, rust-bucket flown by robot haters and a weirdo who wanted to turn him into her pet Nibbler.
"Okay, okay," Bender said, holding up his hands. "I see what's going on here - I'm on the wrong ship." He stood up and walked over to the cargo bay doors. "If you excuse me, my friends are probably looking for me, so I'll just be on my way. Nice meeting you freaks." He pulled at the door. It was shut tight. "Uh," he said. He looked at fancy pants. "You mind helping me out here?"
"I can't," fancy pants said.
"Whaddya mean, you can't? Am I being kidnapped or something? Kidnapping a robot is a crime. Haven't you seen the public service announcements?"
"We're in space, you idiot," a new voice said. A tall guy in tight pants came down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and looked sternly at the weird kid. "Where in gorram's name did the robot come from?"
“It’s not River’s fault,” fancy pants said. “He followed her home.”
Another human appeared at the top of the stairs. “We have a robot?” she said. She was cute if a robot were into that kind of thing. Bender could be as kinky as the next artificial life form but humans were just too squishy. The cute human ran past tight pants and got up in Bender’s face. “A bending unit,” she said. “Circa 3000, I’d say. An antique.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Bender said, waving her away. “Collector’s item; all valuable and stuff. But listen, don’t get any ideas about selling me on F-bay. I’m an emancipated robot. I’ve got papers and all.” He opened his chest compartment and sorted through its contents. He found an umbrella, a book on Proust, a full set of Old Russia Matryoshka dolls and a bikini. Man, that was some party last night.
“Relax,” tight pants said. “No one is selling anything that can talk back on f-bay.” He nodded toward fancy pants and the weird kid. “If we were, I’d have gotten rid of these two long ago.”
“You’re in pretty good shape,” the cute one said. She rubbed his head. “No decomp, no oxidisation.“
“A robot‘s got to take care of himself,” Bender said, dusting himself off. A self respecting robot takes pride in his appearance after all. “And I know a guy who used to work in cryogenics. Kind of handy for keeping on the young side.”
“Shiny,” the cute human said.
“Don’t you forget it, sister,” Bender said.
“I don’t much care for robot’s,” tight pants said. “In the war the Alliance used robots on the front line. They got all confused and killed their own. Never trusted anything that couldn’t work out whose side it was one.”
“Hey, those things are nothing but circuits and metal refuse crudely thrown together to resemble a robot. My kind don’t take kindly to comparisons between us good, decent robots and those electronic scrap heaps.”
“Don’t mind the Captain,” the cute human said. “He gets kind of antsy when he’s woken up from his beauty sleep.”
Tight pants rubbed his face. “I ain’t taken on anymore passengers,” he said. “’Specially not robots. Somebody wake up Wash and tell him we’re going back to Veda to drop off a robot.”
“We’ve got a robot?” Bender looked up and saw a guy in a loud shirt standing at the top of the stairs next to a vision of loveliness. There were some other humans too: a human in a dress, a human with white hair and a really stupid looking human that reminded Bender of Fry - if Fry carried a really big gun and looked kind of mean.
But Bender was fixated on the vision of loveliness. Humans and robots were never a good idea. They started out well enough with human and robot determined to beat the odds and be trailblazers in a brave new world, but inevitably it ended up with someone out the airlock while the robot sang, “Daisy, Daisy." Bender had heard the stories, but he’d been around humans for a long time. He was even starting to smell like one. He sniffed under his arm: two parts oil, one part metal alloy and one part pizza. Kind of human.
Also, he was so alcohol deprived, the guy with the white hair was starting to look good. “Listen, baby.” He leered at the vision of loveliness as she reached the bottom of the stairs. “I don’t know what you know about robots, but let me tell you a little story about a guy we used to call the Energizer Bunny…”
“Aw, honey, he likes you,” the guy in the loud shirt said.
“Shiny,” the vision of loveliness said, without smiling. Direct. Bender liked that in a girl. No messing around. And what was this ‘honey’ business? Why was the guy in the loud shirt calling Bender's true love 'honey?'
“River’s new friend,” tight pants said. “Must have followed her home from the dockside party.”
“I can’t hear him,” the weird kid said.
Bender had been accused of being obnoxious, rude and belligerent, but never quiet. “There is something wrong with that kid,” he said.
“You don’t know the half of it,” tight pants said.
“She means she can’t hear what he’s thinking,” fancy pants said. “He’s a robot. No thoughts to read. It must be kind of - nice, for her.”
“Huh,” tight pants said. “Well, in that case, count yourself lucky, robot. You’re the one person in the room the telepath can‘t read.”
Bender didn‘t give a mutant‘s solitary eyeball whether the telepath could read him or not. “Call me ‘Bender,’” he said. “And you -” He leered at the vision of loveliness again. “- Just call me.” He opened his chest compartment again. “I got a number in here somewhere.” He threw out a stapler, the black box recorder from the Planet Express Ship and a book on shag pile carpets.
“It’s weird how he does that,” fancy pants said.
“Sir,” the vision of loveliness said to tight pants. “It’s a robot.”
“I’m none too happy about it either,” tight pants said. “But aside from being a little colourful, he seems harmless.”
Bender tried to get a better look at the vision of loveliness’s legs, and swayed a little. He really needed a drink.
“You know,” the human in the dress said, stepping closer. “I think he’s drunk.”
“Bending unit 22,” the weird kid said. “Alcohol fuelled.”
Finally, Bender thought. Someone got it. He was sorry for having called the weird kid ‘weird,’ now. Except she was.
“You mean to be telling me he’s drunk on his own fuel?” tight pants said.
“He’s alcohol fuelled, Captain,” the cute human said. “He needs alcohol to be functioning like normal.”
“Out of all the crazy things in this here ‘verse that nearly takes the prize,” tight pants said. “Wash, turn this ship around, we’re taking the robot back to Veda. Jayne, put the robot in the hold and keep an eye on him. And for gorram’s sake, someone get him a beer.”
*
Figuring Jayne to be a girl’s name, Bender thought he was to be locked in the hold with the vision of loveliness; which suited him fine. He always performed better when there was a lack of competition. Turned out, Jayne was the stupid looking one with the really big gun. What’s more, he was not only looked stupid, he was dumber than a folding unit 64 - and those things didn’t know how to tell sheets from paper. Bender dated a folding unit once. Just because they were dumb didn't mean they were unattractive.
The stupid looking human was cradling his gun and staring at Bender like he couldn’t wait for Bender to make a wrong move so he could pop him between the optical sensors.
"So what is it you guys do?" Bender said, opening his chest compartment and taking out a cigar. He lit it with his finger Zippo and took a long puff. "Are you like pirates or something?" The cute human and the weird kid weren't really pirate material, but the rest of them looked kind of scary if you shut your eyes and imagined them all with guns and eye patches.
"Something," the stupid looking human said.
"You're not a bunch of mercenaries, are you? Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? Because I'm cool with that, you know. Power to the people. Liberte, fraternite, maternity and all that stuff." Just his luck to land in with a bunch of freedom fighters. Next thing he knew he'd be chained to a space station garbage refuse pipe singing, ‘we shall not be moved…'
"We do what we got to do," the stupid human said. "Man's got to make a living. Can't live off good deeds."
"Ain't that the truth," Bender said. So maybe there was booty on board? He held out the cigar. "Want one?"
The stupid looking human's eyes went wide. "You got another?"
"Sure." Bender opened up his chest compartment. "Now where did I put it..." He pulled out a stuffed bear, two cans of Slurm, and a toy piano. Eventually he produced the cigar. "Ah, here it is.” He handed the cigar to the stupid human and lit it with the Zippo.
"Gorram, if it ain't been years since I had one of these," the stupid human said, taking a couple of short puffs. "Where'd you get it?"
“Fell off the back of a space hauler.”
“Yeah? Guess you got lucky.”
“Guess I did.” Man that human sure was stupid. Bender could probably convince him that Robot Santa wasn’t real.
There was a knock on the door and the cute human entered carrying a pitcher and a tin cup. “We’re fresh out of beer,” she told Bender. “But Simon said you could have some of his moonshine.” She poured a cup and gave it to Bender.
He shot it down in one. “Holy Mom‘s long underwear!” Bender said. “That stuff is strong enough to clean the barnacles off the underside of my abdominal chamber. Or maybe those are shock absorbers? Damn, where’s that manual...?” He opened up his chest compartment, rummaged around inside and fished out the manual. “Nope, no shock absorbers under the abdominal chamber. Must be barnacles.”
“What in gorram hell is the Doc doing with moonshine?” the stupid human said. “And why didn’t I know about it?”
“It’s medicinal,” the cute human said. “And we didn’t want to tell you about it because - well, it’s medicinal. Here - ” She gave the rest of the pitcher to Bender. “If you need more just ask.”
“No one ever tells me anything,” the stupid human said as the cute human left.
“I hear you, buddy” Bender said, refilling his cup. “Whenever they need something nasty done, it’s all, ‘where’s Jayne?’ but when it comes to sharing the spoils, I bet all you get is an equal cut - just like everybody else.”
“Gorram straight,” the stupid human said. He eyed the moonshine enviously.
“Well, listen,” Bender said. He knocked back his second cup and promptly refilled it. “I’m with you pal. You want moonshine? You got moonshine. Take one on me.” He handed the cup to the stupid human. “You deserve it.”
The stupid human took the cup and took a long swig. His eyes suddenly went wide and he looked like he was going to spit it all out again, but he swallowed and blinked a few times and then he let out a loud, “Woooaaaaahhh!" He shook himself. "That was something!”
“Just like Mom used to make,” Bender said, and he let out of puff of cigar smoke.
*
Several cups of moonshine later and the stupid human was waving the pitcher from side to side and singing a song about himself. Apparently there was some crazy planet out there where he was a legend and they’d written a song about him.
“...Turned out I was a hero to those folk,” the stupid human told Bender. “Had a statue and everything.”
“Yeah, well, I was God once,” Bender said, pouring himself another cup of moonshine. Man that stuff was good. Medicinal too. Bender felt great. Simon - whoever he was - should be proud.
The stupid human wasn’t looking too good though. He had one arm around his gun and the other around the pitcher and every now and then he’d start singing something along the lines of, “stood up to the man and he gave him what for...” which would be fine ordinarily but he really couldn’t carry a tune.
“You were a dog?” the stupid human said and then he started to laugh. “Heh heh heh... fetch robot!” He threw the stub of his cigar across the room. “Fetch!”
"That's right," Bender said. "I was a dog." He knocked back his moonshine and poured another. "Here, statue guy, have one more."
"Don't mind if I do," the stupid human said, taking the cup from Bender. He had trouble getting the cup from his hand to his mouth and he was starting to look a little green. Or maybe the colour on Bender's optical sensors was off. He was due for a refit.
The stupid human took a mouthful of moonshine and placed the cup carefully on the floor beside him. "You know," he said, swaying a little. "You sure are funny looking." His head promptly dropped to the side and he closed his eyes.
Really, it shouldn't be so easy to rob stupid people. Leela would probably tell Bender it wasn't fair or it wasn't right or it wasn't profitable, but Bender figured they were only going to do something stupid with their loot, so it was a mission of mercy really. He was putting these good, stupid people out of the misery of having to spend their money. There ought to be a medal.
Bender tip-toed past the sleeping stupid human and opened the door. It wasn't locked. They probably figured the stupid human and his oversized gun were enough for a small robot. Or maybe they just really did think he was harmless. Boy, were they stupid.
The corridor outside was dark and empty. Bender’s night vision was still on the fritz so he had to feel his way down the corridor back to the cargo hold. Events leading up to his containment were kind of crazy with the stupid human whining about babysitting the robot and the human in the loud shirt telling Bender that if he put his shiny metal hand on his wife's ass one more time, the guy in the loud shirt was going to turn Bender's torso into a hood ornament. In his un-inebriated state, it was tough remembering what happened between the cargo bay and the hold let alone exact locations and directions. Fortunately, Bender had instant recall and could rewind and play the whole thing back in technicolour. Damn. He really did belch in front of the vision of loveliness. Ah, well, some chicks dig that in a robot. Nothing plugging up these pipes, baby.
The rewind tape was mostly legs and asses and the stupid human's gun getting in Bender's face, but he noticed some interesting compartment type things along the walkway and he was thinking they looked just like the kind of places stupid people would hide their booty. He decided to check those out first.
Turned out, the first one he tried wasn't even locked. That wasn't a good sign. Nothing good is ever left out in the open where anyone can take it. Bender knew that from experience. Bender lifted the door and peered inside. It was deep - and there was a ladder. He decided to climb down and investigate further. Maybe this was a guard room, a place for the guy keeping any eye on the treasure to take a nap. That would explain the bed against the wall and the impressive collection of guns. Of course, there was no explanation for the smelly pile of laundry in the corner and the strange fungus growing off a plate on the floor beside the bed.
Then the light went on, and a gun appeared in the entry hatch. "Getting a man drunk so you can break out of prison is one thing, breaking into his private space is just plain disrespectful." The stupid human poked his head through the hatch. He didn't look as drunk as he did when Bender left him which meant he either had the fastest metabolic rate in the universe or he wasn't as stupid as Bender thought he was.
"Ah, I guess this isn't the little robot's room?" Bender said.
The not-so stupid human climbed down the ladder. He teetered a little when he got to the bottom, but otherwise he managed to stay upright and keep the gun trained on Bender. "Believe me, there ain’t nothing on this ship worth stealing. If there were, I’d have taken it and been long gone by now." He looked thoughtful. "Or I would have thought about it anyway."
"No loot?" Bender said. "What kind of pirates are you?"
"The kind that don't make any money," the stupid human said.” That probably sounds stupid to you. Sounded pretty stupid to me too at first. But if you have a bed, and people who don't put you out the airlock when you mess stuff up, then you don't need money. Well, not a lot anyway."
If Bender had eyeballs he would have rolled them. "Sheesh," Bender said. "Isn't there some kind of convention against torturing prisoners with boring stories?"
Tight pants poked his head into the entry hatch. "Everything all right down there?"
"I was just showing the robot my guns, Captain," the stupid human said. He gave Bender a look. "Right, robot?"
"Sure," Bender said, sighing. "Those are some nice guns."
*
They landed on Veda and the stupid human escorted Bender all the way back to the Planet Express ship. Bender asked the vision of loveliness if she wanted to come along but she said she'd rather stick branding irons in her eyeballs. It was weird how many women said that to him.
The Planet Express ship crew were waiting at the bottom of the loading bay ramp.
“Bender!” Fry said. “You’re back! We looked everywhere for you!”
Leela shrugged. “We looked under the docks.”
“I looked in the mall,” Amy said.
"You should take better care of your robot," the stupid human said. "He could get into trouble."
"They sure should," Bender said, glaring at Leela and Fry.
"Thanks for bringing him back," Fry said to the stupid human.
"If he stole anything, we'll bring it back," Leela said. "We'll even waive our usual delivery fee."
"He didn't steal anything," the stupid human said, and he tipped his hat to Leela, turned around and walked back to his ship.
"Did you really not steal anything?" Fry asked Bender.
Bender pulled an orange woollen hat out of his chest compartment and put it on his head. "It's kind of funny looking," he said. "Do you think it's valuable?"
"No," Leela said, and they turned around and walked up the loading bay ramp into the Planet Express ship.
End.