let's set our hearts at self-destruct
i don't think any of you know how much i miss
i'm really trying to make sense of a lot of things still. i think i might finally be gaining a slight grasp on what's going on in my head/heart. the main thing i need to do is take a step back and a deep breath, calm down and relax, and just look at what's going on from a broader angle. once i'm able to relax and slow down i think i'll be able to handle everything better. it's funny though even since the last entry i've completely had a change of heart. i realized that i missed crystal, and that i didn't want what we had to just dissipate and fade away. we were starting to get really close, we just moved a little too fast. there was no need for me to react the way i did. all we had to do was slow down. i dunno, hopefully i can make it work. i tried talking to her tonight and it seemed like she warmed back up to me again. i just hope i can win back her trust. i really can't blame anyone for being a little apprehensive when it comes to that, i mean look at my recent history. but i dunno, i think i at least deserve a chance. especially now that i'm finally thinking a little clearer. one of the things that bugged me when we talked was that i could tell that it was upsetting her, but she wasn't doing anything about it. i wasn't expecting her to lose it or anything like that at all, it's just that she wasn't showing emotions. but when i talked to her tonight i could tell.
you really get a lot of thinking done when you're stuck at a register for hours upon hours nearly everyday. i'm surprised there isn't a high suicide rate with cashiers. yeah you talk to tons of people everyday while you're up there but you never really pay attention to them, you just get good at pretending like you are. i barely remember anything from guest to guest. i just go on autopilot. unless the person is legitimately interesting i'm not really going to pay attention, i'm not going to leave my thoughts to make an effort to talk to them. thinking for me right now is the most important thing i could possibly do. and being alone up there helps too. it's extremely depressing and it makes me want to smash my head into the monitor, but it helps me to figure out what i'm really feeling. helps me rate my sadness from topic to topic, and really assess the different situations and possibilities.
anyway, it's 4 in the morning and i have school, not until noon but still. g'night all.
"he's got the motives but no transportation."
i'm really trying to make sense of a lot of things still. i think i might finally be gaining a slight grasp on what's going on in my head/heart. the main thing i need to do is take a step back and a deep breath, calm down and relax, and just look at what's going on from a broader angle. once i'm able to relax and slow down i think i'll be able to handle everything better. it's funny though even since the last entry i've completely had a change of heart. i realized that i missed crystal, and that i didn't want what we had to just dissipate and fade away. we were starting to get really close, we just moved a little too fast. there was no need for me to react the way i did. all we had to do was slow down. i dunno, hopefully i can make it work. i tried talking to her tonight and it seemed like she warmed back up to me again. i just hope i can win back her trust. i really can't blame anyone for being a little apprehensive when it comes to that, i mean look at my recent history. but i dunno, i think i at least deserve a chance. especially now that i'm finally thinking a little clearer. one of the things that bugged me when we talked was that i could tell that it was upsetting her, but she wasn't doing anything about it. i wasn't expecting her to lose it or anything like that at all, it's just that she wasn't showing emotions. but when i talked to her tonight i could tell.
you really get a lot of thinking done when you're stuck at a register for hours upon hours nearly everyday. i'm surprised there isn't a high suicide rate with cashiers. yeah you talk to tons of people everyday while you're up there but you never really pay attention to them, you just get good at pretending like you are. i barely remember anything from guest to guest. i just go on autopilot. unless the person is legitimately interesting i'm not really going to pay attention, i'm not going to leave my thoughts to make an effort to talk to them. thinking for me right now is the most important thing i could possibly do. and being alone up there helps too. it's extremely depressing and it makes me want to smash my head into the monitor, but it helps me to figure out what i'm really feeling. helps me rate my sadness from topic to topic, and really assess the different situations and possibilities.
anyway, it's 4 in the morning and i have school, not until noon but still. g'night all.
"he's got the motives but no transportation."