i can't let go, no matter how hard that i try.
i'm trying hard, but i can't seem to get it right.
reach out my hand, but there is nothing there for me to grab.
'cause maybe i'm falling down, maybe i'm waking up;
maybe i'm waiting for you to give me a better tomorrow.
(baby, we can pray for something new, we can pray for something new.)
Several nights ago, I managed to totally overwhelm myself, trying to help one of my friends. I felt like I was physically ill, in pain, and I just started crying with her. It's so pathetic of me, it really is, but I just - it's amazing how one person can be so bitter, so hurt, so angry, so full of sadness and self-hatred and hatred for everyone around her who's hurt her. I mean, I've dealt with people who feel like that, but having it all expressed suddenly in all it's ugly glory is so hard. Managing to provoke them into spilling it all, by accident in this case, having them almost verbally scream their pain and lash out verbally, I just. I don't know.
It's one of the first time's anyone's managed to overwhelm me with their pain and suffering and anger. Usually, I can handle just about anything, and this time, I just didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do. I felt like such shit and then I felt bad for feeling like shit because she was the one in pain, but - I don't know.
Anyway. Saturday night was fantastic. uwu I had so much fun, it was ridiculous. Um.
Well, I like this guy I'm friends with online? Ummm. I know some people might not... take that seriously, but. I've liked him for maybe two months now, and it's getting worse asdfng;khng;fknda. It started off as just a joke, me cooing over how cute he was in cosplay and making fun of him, but then it turned into an... actual crush? Um. Yeah. I joke around and call him a butt, but he's really just... such a great guy. He's so funny and smart and genuine, it's... idk. Anyway.
It can be just as bad as it is good. Sometimes I get so down on myself because of it and it just sucks. Because I like him so much by this point, I just... get so confused when it comes to how he feels towards me? I can't tell if I'm a friend or not, or if he even gives a fuck that I exist beyond that I'm someone who sometimes makes him laugh. And that extends to the people I've met through him.
I have a tendency to end up liking groups of people that have no room for me.
But, I think, after exploding last night on tumblr/twitter, I'm... okay. Just moody. I might get down again, I might not. I dunno anymore. I might just be hitting a general low; most everything seems to get me down, lately. Or it all just makes me angry, which might be worse, because then I take it out on everyone around me. I know I do.
Like, last night, I was honestly just about the unfollow Alex and Pip because I was so frustrated seeing how much they just didn't care how upset I was, even though I was having meltdown after meltdown last night, they kept laughing over food and foot massages, and I just. Got so angry I wanted to hurt someone. The only reason I didn't is because I adore Pip, and I... well, I like Alex. A lot. (Yes, he's the guy mentioned above.) And I know maybe he doesn't give a fuck about me, but... I don't know. I can't let go until I know for sure.
ANYWAY AGAIN, I've vented at Cindy (thank you. <3) and I've been comforted by people on tumblr (for once, hah), and I'm calmer now. And I decided to take some initiative and talk to Jess (NZ!Jess, not my best friend Jess in Virginia) about all this, because she helped me calm down a lot over college stuff a few nights ago.
So, I'm okay for right now. Just trying to relax and ignore my roomies because I can't stand them right now. Well. I can't stand Camille period, but I'm fairly annoyed with both of them right now, so I'm just keeping calm and listening to music, which helps. uvu
And now I'm off to mythology to watch Brother Where art Thou? or whatever, hahah. Sorry for the long entry.
reach out my hand, but there is nothing there for me to grab.
'cause maybe i'm falling down, maybe i'm waking up;
maybe i'm waiting for you to give me a better tomorrow.
(baby, we can pray for something new, we can pray for something new.)
Several nights ago, I managed to totally overwhelm myself, trying to help one of my friends. I felt like I was physically ill, in pain, and I just started crying with her. It's so pathetic of me, it really is, but I just - it's amazing how one person can be so bitter, so hurt, so angry, so full of sadness and self-hatred and hatred for everyone around her who's hurt her. I mean, I've dealt with people who feel like that, but having it all expressed suddenly in all it's ugly glory is so hard. Managing to provoke them into spilling it all, by accident in this case, having them almost verbally scream their pain and lash out verbally, I just. I don't know.
It's one of the first time's anyone's managed to overwhelm me with their pain and suffering and anger. Usually, I can handle just about anything, and this time, I just didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do. I felt like such shit and then I felt bad for feeling like shit because she was the one in pain, but - I don't know.
Anyway. Saturday night was fantastic. uwu I had so much fun, it was ridiculous. Um.
Well, I like this guy I'm friends with online? Ummm. I know some people might not... take that seriously, but. I've liked him for maybe two months now, and it's getting worse asdfng;khng;fknda. It started off as just a joke, me cooing over how cute he was in cosplay and making fun of him, but then it turned into an... actual crush? Um. Yeah. I joke around and call him a butt, but he's really just... such a great guy. He's so funny and smart and genuine, it's... idk. Anyway.
It can be just as bad as it is good. Sometimes I get so down on myself because of it and it just sucks. Because I like him so much by this point, I just... get so confused when it comes to how he feels towards me? I can't tell if I'm a friend or not, or if he even gives a fuck that I exist beyond that I'm someone who sometimes makes him laugh. And that extends to the people I've met through him.
I have a tendency to end up liking groups of people that have no room for me.
But, I think, after exploding last night on tumblr/twitter, I'm... okay. Just moody. I might get down again, I might not. I dunno anymore. I might just be hitting a general low; most everything seems to get me down, lately. Or it all just makes me angry, which might be worse, because then I take it out on everyone around me. I know I do.
Like, last night, I was honestly just about the unfollow Alex and Pip because I was so frustrated seeing how much they just didn't care how upset I was, even though I was having meltdown after meltdown last night, they kept laughing over food and foot massages, and I just. Got so angry I wanted to hurt someone. The only reason I didn't is because I adore Pip, and I... well, I like Alex. A lot. (Yes, he's the guy mentioned above.) And I know maybe he doesn't give a fuck about me, but... I don't know. I can't let go until I know for sure.
ANYWAY AGAIN, I've vented at Cindy (thank you. <3) and I've been comforted by people on tumblr (for once, hah), and I'm calmer now. And I decided to take some initiative and talk to Jess (NZ!Jess, not my best friend Jess in Virginia) about all this, because she helped me calm down a lot over college stuff a few nights ago.
So, I'm okay for right now. Just trying to relax and ignore my roomies because I can't stand them right now. Well. I can't stand Camille period, but I'm fairly annoyed with both of them right now, so I'm just keeping calm and listening to music, which helps. uvu
And now I'm off to mythology to watch Brother Where art Thou? or whatever, hahah. Sorry for the long entry.