super x-rated serious bsg fanfic
It was a beautiful day on the Basestar. In the past five minutes, their entire ship had managed to stay in tact and there were no spontaneous resurrections, airlock incidents, and otherwise unnecessary sadness.
Cavil had decided to plan the most awesome party in the whole universe. If he could accomplish this, he could surely win his recently rebellious brothers and sisters over. They would surely respect him and take him seriously. So in order to top it off, he decided to make it a slumber party.
Boomer arrived first and she was having a really shitty day because everyone hated her, like usual. She had done some naked yoga though which made her feel better. Despite Gaius happening to be there at the time and sweating profusely like a fat eight year old who just finished gym class. Anyway, Gaius wasn’t invited to the party because Cavil thinks he’s a fucking loser. Six said she wouldn’t stay the night because her boyfriend wasn’t allowed in . Three was pickled up in a box and being used as both a table centerpiece and a mount for the bowl of peanut M&Ms.
Cavil could relate to the M&Ms because they weren’t entirely chocolate. They were chocolate on the outside but something else on the inside. In a way, they could see supernovas and inhale gamma rays or whatever the fuck. Basically they were just like him in a deep and meaningful sense and regular M&Ms might as well be wiped off the face of the universe.
Doral came in next with his party hat on, a pleasant smile spread across his face. He had even worn burgundy for this fancy party. Cavil just looked at him like he was a goddamn tool and knocked the party hat off his head before going to put up some pink streamers . Doral just looked incredibly sad.
The Fives weren’t there because the writers forgot they existed again
Leoben came in with a laserdisc copy of Cool World.
Boomer was like, “That is the worst frakkin’ movie ever made.”
He looked solemnly down at Cool World, his eyes piercing Brad Pitt’s rad getup. “No…..” The creepy Bear McCreary began to queue in over The Pussycat Dolls. “It’s about two worlds that collide… on the brink of war. Destiny pulls the two-“ blah blah blah. Cartoons and real people bone and have issues and he feels like he can relate.
Cavil just walked over to him and said, “FRAK YOUr OWN FACE.” Before pulling out the Twister Board. Actually he liked the movie too he just hated David Bowie.
Everyone was pretty cool with the idea of Twister until Six walked in with like, ten centurions. She was being her usual lesser-robot-rights activists.
Cavil just threw the twister board against the wall angrily. “NOW WE CAN’T PLAY TWISTER.” Because the centurions would fuck everything up. And Cavil thought they were dumb and didn’t want to play with them. He was SO mad because they were not invited to the Slumber Party.
So everyone was there except for Five ad nobody questioned the lack of Seven because clearly the sequence of numbers goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8. Their memories were wiped so it unquestionably makes sense.
So Boomer strolled over to the bowl of peanut M&Ms and began stuffing her face. Surprise. She was allergic. She began bloating up because Cylons have different reactions to stuff and exploded all over everyone, pretty much ruining the party. Nobody could sleep in their sleeping bags now because it was covered in Boomer. Meanwhile Boomer was resurrecting who knows where. Nobody cared and hoped she stayed away forever because she just ruined everything.
And Leoben slooooowly pulled a copy of Ever After out of his shoe. His life was based on that fucking movie. That is pretty much the way the universe works. Solemn and dead-eyed as ever, he meekly gestured at the movie.
“GOD. FRAK OFF,” Cavil shrieked again before stabbing Leoben in the neck with a rainbow colored serving spoon.
DRAMATIC FLASHES OF THE FUTURE SHOOM SHOOM SHOOM ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND WILL BLAHBLAHBLAH Leoben dies.
So now it’s just Three in a box, Cavil, Doral (who’s been inhaling helium and talking in silly voices), Six, and a bunch of stupid Centurions.
Cavil weighs out the pros and cons of what’s left of the party and decides to shoot himself in the mouth and dies.
Then Galactica jumped in and blew up the Bastestar and everyone died.
The end.