(no subject)
Who: Wolfram and the Maou
When: ...eh
Rating: NC-17...okay, no, PG
What: The Maou and Wolfram cook a bundt cake for Shinou and turn bundt cake into an analogy for sex. The word bundt cake is repeated 365935093 times and Wolfram really wants to bake a bundt cake with Yuuri. If you know what I mean.
There was a foul smell coming from the kitchen. It was accompanied by a thick curtain of black smoke that hung outside the door, daring anyone to enter. Inside, a small raincloud followed around the Maou, who was dressed in an apron, as he leaned over and pulled out another burning mess of...something.
Wolfram had been minding his own business, really...but when he happened to travel past the kitchen, which normally had wonderful smells of delicious food wafting out of it, he was tempted to poke his head inside to see just who had decided to take over and what foul concoction was being brewed. He had a feeling it was Yuuri, and he was right...kind of. "Um..what are you doing?"
The Maou turned to look at Wolfram. He wasn't quite gay enough to wear eyeliner, but if he had been, it would have been smeared all over his face. "I...I'm trying to make a bundt cake for Shinou...and...it isn't working out!" He pointed to an obscenely long row of burned things in pans.
Wolfram eyed the pans, lifting an eyebrow slowly. "You're baking a cake...for Shinou. You really think a man that devours babies is going to have a sweet tooth?"
"Babies are sweet." The Maou pointed out. "Like pork with brown sugar."
Wolfram flinched. He did not want to know why the Maou knew that. "..whatever. The point is...obviously, you suck." He motioned to the pans full of burnt crud spread about the kitchen
.
The Maou bobbed his head slowly in agreement. A water snake appeared to try some of the burned mass and then recoiled and disappeared. "What am I going to do? Shinou won't want to eat any of this!!" A single, sad tear slid down his cheek.
Wolfram sighed dramatically and finally stepped fully inside the kitchen, heading over to the closet to grab himself an apron. "Alright. I'm going to help you." Simply because the Maou was so pitiful..and his raincloud was getting everything in the kitchen wet.
The Maou sniffled. "Really? You'll help me bake a bundt cake?"
"Yes. Yes I will help you bake a bundt cake." Wolfram repeated, tying the pink strands behind his back to secure the lacy, frilly, gay apron on his front. "Now..give me the flour."
The Maou handed him a flower, because dumb puns never got old.
Wolfram stabbed the Maou in the face then got the real flour, pouring a measured amount into a large bowl. "Sugar?"
The Maou bled a lot and then handed him a large pot of sugar.
Wolfram went about gathering ingredients and pouring them into the mixing bowl. While stirring he pointed to a nearby cabinet. "Get another pan, will you? Not a burnt up crusty one."
The Maou got a bundt cake pan, which apparently they had a lot of, for all those times when they needed to cook a lot of bundt cakes. He handed it to Wolfram. "Can...I help?" He asked.
Wolfram eyed the Maou skeptically then thrust the bowl of batter over to him. "Stir that until it's moist." In the meantime, he went to check the oven temperature.
The Maou stirred for two seconds, then got bored and snapped his fingers, the ingredients in the bowl swirling themselves around and around.
Well, as long as it worked...Wolfram turned back when he was done and pushed the pan over to the Maou. "Now pour the dough into there."
The Maou poured the dough into the pan awkwardly.
Wolfram opened the oven and motioned to it. "Now. Put the pan in the oven. It'll need to bake for about twenty minutes."
The Maou placed the pan in the oven and then sat there and stared at the bundt cake. "Does it look appetizing?" Mostly it looked like a mass of dough.
"It will. Trust me. And if Shinou likes cake at all, then he'll definitely like it." Wolfram cursed himself softly for not being able to find the arsenic in time to poison the cake. Stupid Shinou D:
The Maou was pretty sure Shinou considered arsenic to be a rather tasty kind of flavoring, and anyway, what decent kitchen kept arsenc in it? But he wasn't going to say anything to Wolfram. "You think so? You think it will make him...you know, impressed?" Yes, it mattered.
"Probably not but he's a baby-eating rapist so whatever." Wolfram shrugged and took a seat on a nearby stool, not trusting the maou enough to leave him along with the cake.
alone*
"Well it matters to me! I want him to be impressed with me...and..think I can cook well. Don't you ever cook for your husband?" The Maou managed to make the word husband sound like 'steaming pile of entrails you found in a sewer'. He was good like that.
Wolfram rolled his eyes. "I would if he asked me to. We bake together sometimes." And then he hmphed and smirked because Shinou would never bake with the Maou.
The Maou sighed. "Shinou's more manly than that." He explained it.
"You mean he's a bastard."
"Well, um, when you put it like that....yeah." The Maou said. "But he's my bastard."
"
Oh how touching." Wolfram rolled his eyes again. "Then again, I guess you both deserve eachother.."
The Maou glared. "Yes we do!" He said. "Just like you deserve that glasses freak who likes Yuuri!"
"He does not like Yuuri! I mean..as more than a friend, of course!" Wolfram frowned..because he knew that Murata still did at least kind of like Yuuri. He couldn't really complain, though, since he did too..
"Of course not. Neither of you are lusting after my little ugly alter-ego. Just like he isn't interested in you."
Wolfram frowned, feeling like he needed to defend Yuuri since he couldn't defend himself. "He's not ugly. And..and that's right. We aren't!" Yes. Very convincing.
"And by aren't, you mean, you have wet dreams with him in it?" The Maou asked.
"I do not!!" Except for that one time...and that other one..oh yeah, and the other one..but Murata had been there too so it wasn't as bad!
The Maou grinned at him. "You're transparent." He said, flicking a finger against Wolfram's forehead. "I bet you want to bake Yuuri a bundt cake." He singsonged.
Yes. Bundt cakes were in. Flowers and chocolate were out.
"
Oh I do not!" ...and Wolfram actually blushed slightly at the thought because he was totally gay and he knew how gay and happy Yuuri would be if he were to receive a bundt cake. He recomposed himself after a moment, though, and spoke up sternly. "The only person I want to bake a bundt cake for is my husband, thank you very much."
"I bet Murata wouldn't know what to do with a bundt cake if he got one."
"..it's not very hard to figure out, you know. You eat it."
The Maou looked superior. "Maybe that's what you do with /your/ bundt cakes."
"......" Wolfram stared blankly. "..dare I ask?"
The Maou just looked all superior and stuff. "You know, its not fair to Murata if you're thinking about another man while you two are baking bundt cakes together."
"I'm not thinking about another man." Wolfram frowned. "And we've never baked bundt cakes together." Somehow, Wolfram was still behind on the analogy.
The Maou snorted. "Then you're not a real couple. Real couples eat bundt cake."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like it means/"
"...if it's that big of a deal, I'm sure Murata won't mind baking a bundt cake with me."
"Bet he'd like to bake a bundt cake with Yuuri."
Wolfram picked up a nearby roll and threw it at the Maou's head. "Shutup about it already!"
The Maou did not like rolls. He especially did not like them when they assaulted him. "Come on, you know you want that Yuuri. Besides, Shouri is dumb and big. Think of what you'd be saving him from!"
"..it's true that I don't like Shouri-heika.." He practically ground out the title, not wanting to say it. "But..if he makes Yuuri happy..then it's none of my business. Besides, I'm happily married." Wolfram hmphed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"If you want to have sex with someone else, its not 'happily'. Come on, Yuuri's 'the one who got away'." The Maou knew how that felt. He still wanted a Wolfram.
Wolfram rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't want to have sex with him. I'm perfectly fine having sex with my husband, thank you very much. And he didn't 'get away'. I...I let him."
The timer went off and the Maou got his bundt cake out of the oven. "Uh-huh. You know, you keep that much tension pent up, you'll regret it."
"There's no tension!" Wolfram spat, regretting that he had offered to help the jackass in the first place. He was right and it was annoying D:
"Right. You don't like Yuuri like I don't like Shinou."
"Well then I guess you two must be just good friends." Yes. Good comeback.
"Good friends who have sex. Just like you want to be with Yuuri." Better comeback.
"That's not true! Ugh, remind me why I even bothered helping you in the first place?"
"Because you wanted to practice for that bundt cake you were going to make for Yuuri."
"........I'm leaving." Wolfram stood, turning sharply on his heel and marching to the door. "I see where my generosity lands me."
The Maou grinned. He had his bundt cake and he had pissed off the gay blonde thing! Today was going well.
When: ...eh
Rating: NC-17...okay, no, PG
What: The Maou and Wolfram cook a bundt cake for Shinou and turn bundt cake into an analogy for sex. The word bundt cake is repeated 365935093 times and Wolfram really wants to bake a bundt cake with Yuuri. If you know what I mean.
There was a foul smell coming from the kitchen. It was accompanied by a thick curtain of black smoke that hung outside the door, daring anyone to enter. Inside, a small raincloud followed around the Maou, who was dressed in an apron, as he leaned over and pulled out another burning mess of...something.
Wolfram had been minding his own business, really...but when he happened to travel past the kitchen, which normally had wonderful smells of delicious food wafting out of it, he was tempted to poke his head inside to see just who had decided to take over and what foul concoction was being brewed. He had a feeling it was Yuuri, and he was right...kind of. "Um..what are you doing?"
The Maou turned to look at Wolfram. He wasn't quite gay enough to wear eyeliner, but if he had been, it would have been smeared all over his face. "I...I'm trying to make a bundt cake for Shinou...and...it isn't working out!" He pointed to an obscenely long row of burned things in pans.
Wolfram eyed the pans, lifting an eyebrow slowly. "You're baking a cake...for Shinou. You really think a man that devours babies is going to have a sweet tooth?"
"Babies are sweet." The Maou pointed out. "Like pork with brown sugar."
Wolfram flinched. He did not want to know why the Maou knew that. "..whatever. The point is...obviously, you suck." He motioned to the pans full of burnt crud spread about the kitchen
.
The Maou bobbed his head slowly in agreement. A water snake appeared to try some of the burned mass and then recoiled and disappeared. "What am I going to do? Shinou won't want to eat any of this!!" A single, sad tear slid down his cheek.
Wolfram sighed dramatically and finally stepped fully inside the kitchen, heading over to the closet to grab himself an apron. "Alright. I'm going to help you." Simply because the Maou was so pitiful..and his raincloud was getting everything in the kitchen wet.
The Maou sniffled. "Really? You'll help me bake a bundt cake?"
"Yes. Yes I will help you bake a bundt cake." Wolfram repeated, tying the pink strands behind his back to secure the lacy, frilly, gay apron on his front. "Now..give me the flour."
The Maou handed him a flower, because dumb puns never got old.
Wolfram stabbed the Maou in the face then got the real flour, pouring a measured amount into a large bowl. "Sugar?"
The Maou bled a lot and then handed him a large pot of sugar.
Wolfram went about gathering ingredients and pouring them into the mixing bowl. While stirring he pointed to a nearby cabinet. "Get another pan, will you? Not a burnt up crusty one."
The Maou got a bundt cake pan, which apparently they had a lot of, for all those times when they needed to cook a lot of bundt cakes. He handed it to Wolfram. "Can...I help?" He asked.
Wolfram eyed the Maou skeptically then thrust the bowl of batter over to him. "Stir that until it's moist." In the meantime, he went to check the oven temperature.
The Maou stirred for two seconds, then got bored and snapped his fingers, the ingredients in the bowl swirling themselves around and around.
Well, as long as it worked...Wolfram turned back when he was done and pushed the pan over to the Maou. "Now pour the dough into there."
The Maou poured the dough into the pan awkwardly.
Wolfram opened the oven and motioned to it. "Now. Put the pan in the oven. It'll need to bake for about twenty minutes."
The Maou placed the pan in the oven and then sat there and stared at the bundt cake. "Does it look appetizing?" Mostly it looked like a mass of dough.
"It will. Trust me. And if Shinou likes cake at all, then he'll definitely like it." Wolfram cursed himself softly for not being able to find the arsenic in time to poison the cake. Stupid Shinou D:
The Maou was pretty sure Shinou considered arsenic to be a rather tasty kind of flavoring, and anyway, what decent kitchen kept arsenc in it? But he wasn't going to say anything to Wolfram. "You think so? You think it will make him...you know, impressed?" Yes, it mattered.
"Probably not but he's a baby-eating rapist so whatever." Wolfram shrugged and took a seat on a nearby stool, not trusting the maou enough to leave him along with the cake.
alone*
"Well it matters to me! I want him to be impressed with me...and..think I can cook well. Don't you ever cook for your husband?" The Maou managed to make the word husband sound like 'steaming pile of entrails you found in a sewer'. He was good like that.
Wolfram rolled his eyes. "I would if he asked me to. We bake together sometimes." And then he hmphed and smirked because Shinou would never bake with the Maou.
The Maou sighed. "Shinou's more manly than that." He explained it.
"You mean he's a bastard."
"Well, um, when you put it like that....yeah." The Maou said. "But he's my bastard."
"
Oh how touching." Wolfram rolled his eyes again. "Then again, I guess you both deserve eachother.."
The Maou glared. "Yes we do!" He said. "Just like you deserve that glasses freak who likes Yuuri!"
"He does not like Yuuri! I mean..as more than a friend, of course!" Wolfram frowned..because he knew that Murata still did at least kind of like Yuuri. He couldn't really complain, though, since he did too..
"Of course not. Neither of you are lusting after my little ugly alter-ego. Just like he isn't interested in you."
Wolfram frowned, feeling like he needed to defend Yuuri since he couldn't defend himself. "He's not ugly. And..and that's right. We aren't!" Yes. Very convincing.
"And by aren't, you mean, you have wet dreams with him in it?" The Maou asked.
"I do not!!" Except for that one time...and that other one..oh yeah, and the other one..but Murata had been there too so it wasn't as bad!
The Maou grinned at him. "You're transparent." He said, flicking a finger against Wolfram's forehead. "I bet you want to bake Yuuri a bundt cake." He singsonged.
Yes. Bundt cakes were in. Flowers and chocolate were out.
"
Oh I do not!" ...and Wolfram actually blushed slightly at the thought because he was totally gay and he knew how gay and happy Yuuri would be if he were to receive a bundt cake. He recomposed himself after a moment, though, and spoke up sternly. "The only person I want to bake a bundt cake for is my husband, thank you very much."
"I bet Murata wouldn't know what to do with a bundt cake if he got one."
"..it's not very hard to figure out, you know. You eat it."
The Maou looked superior. "Maybe that's what you do with /your/ bundt cakes."
"......" Wolfram stared blankly. "..dare I ask?"
The Maou just looked all superior and stuff. "You know, its not fair to Murata if you're thinking about another man while you two are baking bundt cakes together."
"I'm not thinking about another man." Wolfram frowned. "And we've never baked bundt cakes together." Somehow, Wolfram was still behind on the analogy.
The Maou snorted. "Then you're not a real couple. Real couples eat bundt cake."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like it means/"
"...if it's that big of a deal, I'm sure Murata won't mind baking a bundt cake with me."
"Bet he'd like to bake a bundt cake with Yuuri."
Wolfram picked up a nearby roll and threw it at the Maou's head. "Shutup about it already!"
The Maou did not like rolls. He especially did not like them when they assaulted him. "Come on, you know you want that Yuuri. Besides, Shouri is dumb and big. Think of what you'd be saving him from!"
"..it's true that I don't like Shouri-heika.." He practically ground out the title, not wanting to say it. "But..if he makes Yuuri happy..then it's none of my business. Besides, I'm happily married." Wolfram hmphed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"If you want to have sex with someone else, its not 'happily'. Come on, Yuuri's 'the one who got away'." The Maou knew how that felt. He still wanted a Wolfram.
Wolfram rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't want to have sex with him. I'm perfectly fine having sex with my husband, thank you very much. And he didn't 'get away'. I...I let him."
The timer went off and the Maou got his bundt cake out of the oven. "Uh-huh. You know, you keep that much tension pent up, you'll regret it."
"There's no tension!" Wolfram spat, regretting that he had offered to help the jackass in the first place. He was right and it was annoying D:
"Right. You don't like Yuuri like I don't like Shinou."
"Well then I guess you two must be just good friends." Yes. Good comeback.
"Good friends who have sex. Just like you want to be with Yuuri." Better comeback.
"That's not true! Ugh, remind me why I even bothered helping you in the first place?"
"Because you wanted to practice for that bundt cake you were going to make for Yuuri."
"........I'm leaving." Wolfram stood, turning sharply on his heel and marching to the door. "I see where my generosity lands me."
The Maou grinned. He had his bundt cake and he had pissed off the gay blonde thing! Today was going well.