the following may or may not be exaggerated
So I think I've figured out why I dislike school fundraisers.
I should preface this by saying not all school fundraisers bother me. I actually like it when an organization has a bake sale at a big event, like a school carnival or parent teacher conferences or something. But that kind of fundraiser is a little different. It costs maybe 2 dollars at most for cookie mix, which in turn makes about 2-dozen cookies, which you then sell for a 25 cents apiece. It's not that difficult to fork over a quarter for a cookie, especially at a function that might not have any food. The smart cookie stands include fruit punch, too.
Yes, that was my bake sale contribution when I was 14. I felt like a fucking genius.
But that's not what 99% of fundraisers are. Most of the time, kids bring home these fliers full of overpriced crap that you feel kind-of obligated to buy because it helps the school in some way. Then, when you dig out your checkbook (since these kids never take credit card) you find out that holy shit the cheapest item costs like 10 dollars. And it's never a good item, no: it's the crappy fruit slices or the ugliest chia pet or some other ungodly thing that nobody in their right mind would buy. But you buy it anyway, because you'd feel bad if you told your kid (or your friend's kid, or your sibling, or however you know this kid) no, because somehow that kid will be crushed forever if you don't buy the dirt-smelling loofah from their school fundraiser.
Case in point: my sister brought home a fundraising packet last Friday. This year it was one through Little Caesars. For those unfamiliar with the name Little Caesars, it's a pizza chain that sells pizza at half the cost of every other pizza chain, but in an effort to cut corners and maximize profits they have made a pizza that tastes like ass and will give you diarrhea for the next two days. The only reason they're still alive today is because people see the low price and are tricked into buying the ass-pizza.
Seriously people, just pay the ten bucks and get a good pizza at any other damn chain.
Anyway, fundraiser. I go looking through this packet, and everything costs a ridiculous amount of money. Like, to get three large pepperoni pizza kits (yes, uncooked, unmade KITS for pizzas) you have to pay $17.90. Yes, that's seventeen dollars and ninety cents. I shit you not. For comparison, three fully-cooked large pepperoni pizzas from the pizza store itself cost fifteen dollars. You're essentially paying two dollars and ninety cents more for the ingredients which you will inevitably fuck up in some way, because most people can't cook a pizza properly in their oven.
And the cheapest item on this pamphlet? A platter of breadsticks. Three orders, each containing eight breadsticks, all for the low, low price of sixteen dollars. You're paying 67 cents per breadstick, when in the store you can buy an order of breadsticks for two dollars. In this case, you're paying ten dollars for the privilege of burning bread.
It's hard enough to convince yourself to shell out almost twenty bucks for shit food, but try selling it to other people. Seriously, the only fundraiser I've seen do exceptionally well is girl scout cookies, and that's because they infuse crack into those delicious wafers. The things practically sell themselves: in my area, girl scouts sit outside stores and sell boxes to people leaving the grocery store. They don't even have to do any real 'selling'. The typical exchange at a girl scout table goes like this:
girl scout: Would you like some cookies?
customer: holy fucking shit it's girl scout cookies I love these! Gimme ten boxes.
girl scout: That'll be thirty dollars and your first-born son, please.
customer: JUST TAKE IT ALREADY! cookiesssssss~
girl scout: Diablo's minions grow stronger.
Now compare that to a typical school fundraiser sale, which goes something like this:
student: Would you like to buy something from my school fundraiser?
customer: What are you selling?
student: We have a wide variety of festive gifts for the holiday season! Here, look at the brochure.
customer: This stuff is CRAP! And you want ten dollars for orange wedges?!
student: Well, it goes to a good cause.
customer: THIS IS TERRIBLE AND YOU SHOULD FEEL TERRIBLE!
student: D:
customer: *throws brochure on ground and stomps on it*
student: Wait, I need that-
customer: Get. Out.
TL;DR student fundraisers are a bad idea and crush the souls of small children.
I should preface this by saying not all school fundraisers bother me. I actually like it when an organization has a bake sale at a big event, like a school carnival or parent teacher conferences or something. But that kind of fundraiser is a little different. It costs maybe 2 dollars at most for cookie mix, which in turn makes about 2-dozen cookies, which you then sell for a 25 cents apiece. It's not that difficult to fork over a quarter for a cookie, especially at a function that might not have any food. The smart cookie stands include fruit punch, too.
Yes, that was my bake sale contribution when I was 14. I felt like a fucking genius.
But that's not what 99% of fundraisers are. Most of the time, kids bring home these fliers full of overpriced crap that you feel kind-of obligated to buy because it helps the school in some way. Then, when you dig out your checkbook (since these kids never take credit card) you find out that holy shit the cheapest item costs like 10 dollars. And it's never a good item, no: it's the crappy fruit slices or the ugliest chia pet or some other ungodly thing that nobody in their right mind would buy. But you buy it anyway, because you'd feel bad if you told your kid (or your friend's kid, or your sibling, or however you know this kid) no, because somehow that kid will be crushed forever if you don't buy the dirt-smelling loofah from their school fundraiser.
Case in point: my sister brought home a fundraising packet last Friday. This year it was one through Little Caesars. For those unfamiliar with the name Little Caesars, it's a pizza chain that sells pizza at half the cost of every other pizza chain, but in an effort to cut corners and maximize profits they have made a pizza that tastes like ass and will give you diarrhea for the next two days. The only reason they're still alive today is because people see the low price and are tricked into buying the ass-pizza.
Seriously people, just pay the ten bucks and get a good pizza at any other damn chain.
Anyway, fundraiser. I go looking through this packet, and everything costs a ridiculous amount of money. Like, to get three large pepperoni pizza kits (yes, uncooked, unmade KITS for pizzas) you have to pay $17.90. Yes, that's seventeen dollars and ninety cents. I shit you not. For comparison, three fully-cooked large pepperoni pizzas from the pizza store itself cost fifteen dollars. You're essentially paying two dollars and ninety cents more for the ingredients which you will inevitably fuck up in some way, because most people can't cook a pizza properly in their oven.
And the cheapest item on this pamphlet? A platter of breadsticks. Three orders, each containing eight breadsticks, all for the low, low price of sixteen dollars. You're paying 67 cents per breadstick, when in the store you can buy an order of breadsticks for two dollars. In this case, you're paying ten dollars for the privilege of burning bread.
It's hard enough to convince yourself to shell out almost twenty bucks for shit food, but try selling it to other people. Seriously, the only fundraiser I've seen do exceptionally well is girl scout cookies, and that's because they infuse crack into those delicious wafers. The things practically sell themselves: in my area, girl scouts sit outside stores and sell boxes to people leaving the grocery store. They don't even have to do any real 'selling'. The typical exchange at a girl scout table goes like this:
girl scout: Would you like some cookies?
customer: holy fucking shit it's girl scout cookies I love these! Gimme ten boxes.
girl scout: That'll be thirty dollars and your first-born son, please.
customer: JUST TAKE IT ALREADY! cookiesssssss~
girl scout: Diablo's minions grow stronger.
Now compare that to a typical school fundraiser sale, which goes something like this:
student: Would you like to buy something from my school fundraiser?
customer: What are you selling?
student: We have a wide variety of festive gifts for the holiday season! Here, look at the brochure.
customer: This stuff is CRAP! And you want ten dollars for orange wedges?!
student: Well, it goes to a good cause.
customer: THIS IS TERRIBLE AND YOU SHOULD FEEL TERRIBLE!
student: D:
customer: *throws brochure on ground and stomps on it*
student: Wait, I need that-
customer: Get. Out.
TL;DR student fundraisers are a bad idea and crush the souls of small children.