Four-Letter Word (2/2)
Jongin had always been fearless when it came to following his dreams. At a young age, he already knew he wanted to be a writer and an artist, and he made sure that every step he took would take him closer to his dream of being successful. He wasn't a natural talent, that much was clear to him, but he was hardworking, and so he chose to do journalism, where he knew being determined and eager to learn mattered.
When Jongin graduated from university, it was easy for him to grab a spot as a reporter on The SM Tribune, the newspaper he had interned at. He had developed a nose for news, largely due to his dogged persistence, and he soon established a reputation for being quick and reliable at work. Sources tended to confide in him, and it was only three months later that he landed the big story that would give him his career: Corruption was going on in a big company, and the whistleblower entrusted Jongin with an exclusive interview.
Jongin was an instant sensation at work, and after that, the stories just kept on coming. He rode the high of his success with ease and improved so fast his superiors just had to take notice of him. It came as no surprise to anyone in the office that he became one of The SM Tribune's top reporters in just six months.
It was around this time that Lee Taehee started working for the newspaper. She was a tiny slip of a woman with a pretty smile that hid a formidable personality behind it. Despite the age gap (she was significantly older), Jongin was enamored as soon as she opened her mouth. She worked for the finance section, but she always seemed to appear around him.
Jongin had never fallen in love before, and he didn't realize just how deeply he could fall until he met her. He was drunk on her praise; he yearned for it as if it were an addiction. Jongin would like to think he charmed her into becoming his girlfriend, but it was more like the other way around. Soon she'd managed to switch beats and follow Jongin around on his excursions, and if a story or two had both him and Taehee listed as authors, it didn't raise any questions.
The first time Taehee left out his name on a story, it was for an interview they did of a big politician. They'd worked on the piece together, and Taehee was the one who submitted it to their editor. Jongin thought it was a layout mistake and didn't think much of it. When it began to happen with more frequency, Jongin had his doubts, but he was too blinded by his love for her to even think about bringing it up with management.
"Tell me," she would whisper in his ear when they were in bed and Jongin was lost in her, and Jongin would always find himself crumbling and revealing everything about him from his deepest secrets to his most treasured sources. "We'll change the world together," she promised, and Jongin believed her. That was his gravest mistake.
By the time he realized she was only out to sabotage him, she'd already stolen half his sources from him. She got the scoop of the century too: Jongin's source for a political scandal chose to give her an exclusive interview. Jongin was left to wallow in misery as Taehee moved up the ranks and he became yesterday's news.
But what hurt him the most wasn't the downfall of his career. It was the realization that love was crippling, paralyzing in the way it took its hold on you, and most of all, that the people you love can betray you. He had nightmares, and in his nightmares, Taehee's hateful words would haunt him: You're not worth anything. Did you really think I was serious about you? Her sneer as she spat the words in his face when he dared to confront her replayed in his head a million times. Her words used to follow him wherever he went. Sometimes they still did.
He had wondered for the longest time if he would ever have the strength to fall in love again, and if he did, would it be as blinding, as painful as the first time? But now there's Kyungsoo, unassuming but strong Kyungsoo, who holds Jongin's heart in his hands without even knowing it. Jongin is scared, he's scared to death, but as he stares at the crumpled post-it in his hands, he knows he's already made his decision.
Kevin-no, Kris, Kyungsoo mentally corrects himself-greets them at the door of his flat. He's wearing what counts as casual clothes for him, a white polo shirt and black slacks, both impeccably pressed.
Chanyeol saunters into the flat like he owns it, tugging Kyungsoo along by the hand. "Hey, Kris. Meet my friend, Kyungsoo. He lives in the apartment complex next door. Isn't he cute?"
Kris looks resigned at Chanyeol's antics but dutifully lets them in. "Hello, Kyungsoo." Kris's voice is deeper than Kyungsoo expects, and he can feel his face warming at the way his name rolls off Kris's tongue. "Come in." As if Chanyeol hasn't already dragged Kyungsoo in and practically pushed him to sit on the couch in the living room.
Kyungsoo curls up his fists and gives Kris a tight smile. He came here to prove a point, and he was going to make sure he did things right. He feels something wet against the back of his hand and looks down to see Kris's Yorkshire Terrier wagging its tail at him as it licks him. He scratches it under its chin and smiles.
"You must be an animal lover," Kris says as he places two glasses of water on the table, "or Philip wouldn't be this welcoming. He hates strangers."
"Yes," Kyungsoo answers, as Philip rolls over and offers his belly for him to scratch. He wonders vaguely if Philip was named after a king. "I used to have a dog before I moved here."
Kris smiles at him, and Kyungsoo's heart flip-flops in spite of himself. He had hoped for so long to have that smile trained on him, but now that it is, he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. "Right, I'm making breakfast. You two make yourselves comfortable. Kyungsoo, you must have the patience of a saint because Chanyeol is a handful. I didn't even know he had friends here-except for me, of course."
"We just met today," Kyungsoo says, just as Chanyeol says, "I'll have you know Kyungsoo is fond of me."
Kris raises an eyebrow at them both. "Okay. I'll leave you to it."
"I feel so loved," Chanyeol says dryly and sits beside Kyungsoo on the couch. When Kris is out of earshot he says, "I'm glad you decided to come." He watches Kris's back for a moment before smiling at Kyungsoo. "Did you know? When Kris was 10 and I was eight, there was a storm at my house. A glass window broke, and he almost got a finger chopped off on some shards. He had to have so many stitches done it was gruesome."
There's an unmistakeable note of affection in Chanyeol's voice that has Kyungsoo curling his fists tighter. "I was going to get hit by the glass, but he just had to be the hero and get in the way. The idiot." His grin widens. "Once, he lost his temper with me because I accidentally tore the leg off his stuffed alpaca. He was 12 and still too attached to his toys. He punched me in the face. I cried."
"Why are you telling me all this?" Kyungsoo asks, his breath catching in his throat at the all too familiar look of sadness and longing on Chanyeol's face.
"I think you know what I'm getting at." Chanyeol exhales noisily. "The point is he's just like you and me. Normal. Human."
"That was never an issue," Kyungsoo says, "and I don't know what you're trying to make me see."
Chanyeol grins a lopsided grin at him. "Loving from afar is like saying you're in love with an idol," he says conversationally. "It's safe because you know it won't hurt you. But you have to understand, even idols are people too. Once the illusion shatters, you'll see the real them and then maybe you'll realize you don't like them after all. That's the problem with loving from afar. You can put them on a pedestal all you want, but the moment will come when that's not enough."
Kyungsoo straightens up in his seat and says very quietly, "Are we talking about my issues or yours? Because I don't know how I feel about being a therapist to a virtual stranger."
They stare at each other for a full minute or so until Kyungsoo hears Kris say, "All right, kids. I only had the ingredients for pancakes. I hope this is all right."
As Kris places the platter of pancakes in front of them, Kyungsoo makes a decision. Kris looks at him questioningly, and it's only then that Kyungsoo realizes he's grabbed his arm. "I..." He lets go of Kris's sleeve. "Actually, I just came over to tell you something. My name is Kyungsoo, and I've lived in my flat just as long as you've lived in yours. I've...seen you in the park a few times...and..." He swallows and forces himself to keep looking at Kris's ambiguous expression. "I like you. I think I only like you because it's safe, because I know you'll never like me back. I know you're not into guys, so this doesn't really mean anything, but-and this is for my own sake, not yours-I just wanted you to know. That I'm really thankful. You made my life more interesting...for a while."
There's an awkward silence after Kyungsoo's speech, but he refuses to be embarrassed. He takes a huge gulp of water from the glass in front of him.
Kris clears his throat. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Kyungsoo smiles shakily. "Anyway, I have to go back now. I've got my own breakfast waiting for me at home." He bows hastily at both Kris and Chanyeol. He sees Chanyeol's thoughtful look as he crosses the threshold and rushes out of the flat. Chanyeol follows him out, catching his wrist before he can press the down button on the elevator. "That was incredibly brave of you."
"You mean stupid," Kyungsoo says, removing his hand from Chanyeol's grip. "But that's okay. I've had practice." What he doesn't say is this is nothing compared to everything else he's experienced in the past.
"You lied though."
"What?" Kyungsoo turns accusing eyes at Chanyeol. Didn't he see how hard that had been for him?
"You didn't just do it for yourself. You did it for me too." Chanyeol ruffles his hair. "Thanks, Kyungsoo. I'll try not to disappoint you, but can anyone top a confession like that is the real question."
Kyungsoo swats at Chanyeol's hand. "Stop ruffling my hair. It's annoying."
"Yeah, I'll see you around too." Chanyeol waves goodbye at him, and this time, Kyungsoo thinks he sees some genuine happiness in his smile.
It's only when he's safely inside the elevator with the doors closed that he lets himself slump to the floor, feeling mortified and just a little lonelier than before.
The air in the flat changes now that Kyungsoo's not in it. Chanyeol thinks of words he hasn't said, words he hasn't intended to say. Until now.
"Well," Kris says. "Your friend makes quite the impression."
Chanyeol shrugs and grins. "Why do you think we're friends? I only pick the interesting ones."
Kris twirls a piece of pancake with his fork, and Chanyeol can't help himself. He never can when it comes to Kris. "I have something to tell you," he blurts out.
"If you nicked some of my shirts again, it's okay. I expected that. Just make sure you return them once you're done with them."
Chanyeol feels affronted. "Hey, I take care of your things." He feels his palms start to sweat when Kris grins unapologetically. "I'm going to tell you a secret, so make sure you listen."
Kris continues to smile easily, and Chanyeol wonders not for the first time when Kris had grown up to become someone who could smile like that. He takes a deep breath: "I like you."
Kris's smile melts, replaced by a familiar blank expression Chanyeol hasn't seen since coming back to Korea. He knows he should stop here and pretend nothing happened, but he's already caught in the middle of a trainwreck and he never does anything in halves. "I think I might even be in love with you," he says, his voice clear, his words unmistakeable.
Kris's expression is shuttered now. In his inner world, Chanyeol has already closed his eyes to keep that image away from him forever. "Well, you don't have to look so happy about it." He shields the way he hurts with a smile, just like he's been doing all his life.
"Chanyeol."
Chanyeol knows Kris doesn't do pity, but there's something almost sad about the way Kris says his name. "I know," Chanyeol says quietly. "I understand. You don't need to say anything."
They sit in the middle of the sofa, unmoving, until the pancakes congeal on the table and the wall clock chimes for noon.
Jongin is thinking of all the ways confessions can go wrong when he finds Kyungsoo sitting in the stairwell on the third floor. "Kyungsoo? What are you doing here?"
Kyungsoo looks up at him, and all thoughts of confessing leave Jongin's head when he notices the other boy's eyes are red-rimmed. There are what suspiciously look like tear tracks on his cheeks. "Jongin," Kyungsoo acknowledges.
Jongin sits down next to him and gives him a quick survey. Now that he's closer to Kyungsoo, he can see a wayward tear still trying to make its way down the other boy's cheek. He hands him his handkerchief. Kyungsoo wordlessly takes it and wipes his cheeks with it. "Thanks. Is there any chance we can pretend you didn't see this? Like last time?" His voice sounds stuffy.
"What last time?" Jongin puts on his best innocent look. "Only if you tell me who did this to you so that we can punch him together. I might be thin, but I go to the gym." He flexes his arm experimentally.
Kyungsoo manages a smile. "No one did this to me."
"Want to..." Jongin sees the uncomfortable look on Kyungsoo's face and decides to change tracks. "...not talk about it?"
"Please."
They sit in silence for an hour, the sides of their thighs pressed together. Jongin breathes in and out carefully until Kyungsoo's own breathing slows down and matches his.
"Jongin?" Kyungsoo says, after a while, and Jongin is satisfied when he hears he doesn't sound as stuffy as before.
"Hm?"
Kyungsoo hesitates before squeezing Jongin's hand. "Thank you."
Later, when it's night and Jongin is fast asleep in his own bed, he doesn't dream about barbed words and broken promises. Instead he dreams of a boy in a brown coat smiling gently as he tilts his head up to watch the clear blue sky.
When Kyungsoo opens the door to his flat the next morning, he's just in time to see Jongin leaving the day's carton of milk. "Hey," Jongin says, still crouched on the floor, "you're up unusually early."
"Deadlines."
Jongin nods in sympathy. "Oh well. As long as you're awake." He stands up and presses the carton of milk against Kyungsoo's cheek. "Let's hope you get taller with this."
"Jongin." Kyungsoo's voice is full of warning, but he's not annoyed. Not really.
"Just looking out for you." Jongin's voice is warm. He's watching Kyungsoo's face closely now, paying particular attention to his eyes.
Kyungsoo averts his gaze on instinct. "I'm fine." He takes the carton of milk and glances at Jongin's post-it note. "Hey, this actually looks like me." He can't help sounding just a little bit awed at the mini portrait of his face.
"I figured I'd start showing you my real skills now that my webcomic's actually getting published."
Kyungsoo smiles at the proud grin on Jongin's face. "Congratulations."
"Thanks. So how about celebrating with me?"
"Huh?" Something in Kyungsoo is panicking, but he doesn't know why. He wrings his hands and goes back to looking at the ground.
Jongin shrugs. "I've been living on ramyun for how long now, and I figure I deserve a real meal this time around. Want to join me later for dinner?"
Jongin's tone sounds perfectly friendly, but Kyungsoo can't help shuttering his expression.
"Oh right, you have a deadline," Jongin says, as if he's just thought of it.
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin from the corners of his eyes and licks his lips. "Real food sounds good," he finds himself saying. "My deadline's at 4, so maybe we can meet at 7?"
Jongin looks pleasantly surprised at his answer. "Yeah, okay. I’ll buzz on your door. See you later, Kyungsoo."
Once Kyungsoo is safely back in his flat, he takes a deep breath and stares at the post-it Jongin gave him. It's fine, he thinks. It's all going to be fine. Beneath the mini portrait of Kyungsoo's face, Jongin had written, "You're ugly when you cry (so don't cry)." He adds it to the cork board of post-its on his wall and sits behind his desk.
He minimizes the window of a manuscript he's editing and opens his diary file. They say life is about taking risks, he writes, but this boy knows just how much one wrong risk taken can lead to losing someone forever. There's a line that's always there, waiting to be crossed, but is the grass greener on the other side? Is it worth the risk of losing something precious?
Jongin is not a writer of love stories, that much he knows, but he shades the panels for the third chapter of his new comic with care as he waits for the day to end and Kyungsoo to be ready. His main character, K, is thinking of how to confess to D, the next-door neighbor he’s had a growing crush on for years. Worried about D’s past trauma with love, he agonizes over whether he’ll scare D off with a direct confession.
And so he decides he’ll write a letter to him first and leave it on his doorstep instead of his usual post-it stuck to a milk carton. You might think I don’t know you that well, K begins his letter, but I do. You take your coffee with two sugars when you’re with company but prefer it black when you’re alone. You appreciate words, but you also love silence, and there’s nothing that makes you more excited than seeing a good book in your favorite bookstore.
You smile when you think no one can see you, but the people around you do, and they think it’s beautiful. You hide yourself because you’re afraid of getting hurt again, but do you notice just how much other people want to get to know you? Have you noticed that you don’t pull away when someone reaches for you with their hand?
Chanyeol loiters around Kyungsoo's flat because he can. He barges in when Kyungsoo opens the door also because he can. And when Kyungsoo looks like he wants to throw him out, he pulls out the broken-hearted card and Kyungsoo relents immediately. An obvious weakness exploited, Chanyeol thinks. Kyungsoo really shouldn't let him into his life like this, but Chanyeol is glad he lets him all the same.
"If you don't want to stay with Kris anymore, you should just rent a flat of your own," Kyungsoo says.
He gets to the root of the problem immediately, and Chanyeol wonders, not for the first time, what demons Kyungsoo is fighting that prevented him from confessing to Kris a long time ago. "Maybe you need a flatmate? I could bring my luggage and-"
"No. We don't know each other that well, and this place is cramped enough as it is."
"I hate it when you sound so sure of yourself." Chanyeol sits cross-legged on the floor and stares up at Kyungsoo. "Okay, can we just date then?" he says, not quite tongue-in-cheek. "Would you let me?"
Kyungsoo throws a pillow at him and rolls his eyes. "You're crazy. You're lucky I haven't thrown you out yet."
"I'm serious. You're cute, and you have to admit, I'm cute too." Chanyeol grins winningly. "I'm even rich. Did you know? I design video games for a living, and I'm actually popular."
Kyungsoo's lips twitch into a smile. "That's not the way it works."
"Why can't it be like that?" Chanyeol asks, almost to himself. "It would really make life easier."
"Sometimes it does work that way," Kyungsoo says, shoving Chanyeol none too gently from the floor and nudging him in the direction of the sofa. "But not for me. And not for you too."
Chanyeol takes the sofa readily enough. He feels so vulnerable it's all he can do not to just lie down and close his eyes. "Do you really believe we're virtually strangers?" he asks Kyungsoo. "You sound like you know me."
Kyungsoo hands him a glass of water. "I'm really not in a position to give love advice."
Chanyeol huffs and stares at the curtains on Kyungsoo's window. "Who said anything about love? Certainly not me."
Kyungsoo says nothing for a while, and Chanyeol lets himself relax in the silence. "I understand," Kyungsoo says. "I know how you feel. But, for your sake, I hope you don't end up like me." He cracks a smile.
"There's nothing wrong with you." Chanyeol's mouth twitches as he contemplates what to say next. "I just want to be happy, you know?"
"Doesn't everyone?" Kyungsoo gestures pointedly at the glass of water. "Drink. You have to leave in an hour, okay? I have deadlines, and you're just going to distract me with your moping." He retreats to his desk, and Chanyeol lets himself get lulled to sleep by the sound of Kyungsoo's fingers clacking on his keyboard keys. He'll just have to deal with the rest of his life later, he thinks, as he feels his eyes closing. Maybe. Eventually.
There's something nice and normal about pizza, or at least, that's how Jongin thinks, which is why he takes Kyungsoo to the pizza parlor a few blocks away from their complex, where they make a fantastic seafood special. He wants Kyungsoo to feel as comfortable as possible, so he even goes as far as picking an outfit he'd wear on a normal basis and not on a date (in this case a simple sweatshirt and pants paired with a warm jacket). Despite this, he still feels disappointed when Kyungsoo doesn't dress up for him either, instead appearing in one of his usual turtlenecks and his favorite coat.
"I didn't know there was a pizzeria near our place," Kyungsoo says, his voice light, as he contemplates his first slice of pizza and takes a big bite.
"That's because people like us don't get out much." There's a trace of tomato sauce on the bridge of Kyungsoo's nose, and Jongin resists the urge to remove it. How did it even get there? He can't help the grin that grows on his face.
"What? Is there something on my face?"
It still amazes Jongin sometimes when he sees Kyungsoo's eyes slanted in suspicion. His eyes really are kind of big no matter what he does. "Yeah, actually."
Kyungsoo frowns at that, and the next thing Jongin knows, Kyungsoo's tongue is peeking out to lick the side of his mouth. "Did I get it?"
Jongin crumples up a piece of tissue needlessly. "No," he says, and he just might be a little breathless. He wipes away the sauce from Kyungsoo's nose with the corner of his handkerchief. "There. All gone."
There's a bit of a pause-Jongin can't read Kyungsoo's eyes-and then Kyungsoo is mumbling his thanks and preparing to eat another pizza slice. "This is really good."
"I know," Jongin says. "That's why I brought you here. Can't have a congratulatory dinner with ramyun from the corner store."
When Kyungsoo smiles at him, mouth slightly covered in grease, Jongin knows it's end game. "I have something to tell you," he says on impulse.
Kyungsoo swallows the rest of his pizza bite and looks at him questioningly.
"Actually, how about I show it to you?" Jongin rummages in his backpack for his portable tablet. "It's, um, the plot for my webcomic is...it's a love story called Flower Boy Next Door." His voice trails off as he sees the smile dying on Kyungsoo's face. If he doesn’t know better, he’ll go as far as saying he looks scared. He returns the tablet to his backpack and manages a smile. "Or we can just talk about it next time when it's actually released in public. More pizza?"
The look of relief on Kyungsoo's face is almost worth the uncomfortable knots in his stomach, Jongin thinks. Almost.
Jongin remembers the first time he found Kyungsoo crying in the stairwell as clearly as if it were yesterday. They’d only known each other for six months then, and he was starting to harbor the beginnings of a crush on his cute neighbor. He’d quietly sat beside him and offered him his handkerchief.
“I’m sorry. This is really embarrassing,” Kyungsoo said in between hiccups. “Can you pretend you didn’t see me crying?”
“Only if you let me punch the person who did this to you. We can do it together even and really make them pay.”
Kyungsoo smiled through his tears. “I didn’t take you for a violent person, but okay.” He dabbed at his face with Jongin’s handkerchief. “Too bad he’s in China. How will we punch him?”
“Want to tell me about it?” Jongin asked quietly.
Kyungsoo folded Jongin’s handkerchief into neat squares and returned it to him. “Do you have time?”
Jongin nodded.
Kyungsoo licked his lips and handed Jongin an envelope. Jongin opened it and a photo tumbled out. He picked it up from the floor and surveyed the picture. It was of a blonde man in a suit who looked about their age. His wife looked resplendent in her wedding dress beside him. A long letter accompanied the photo in which the man talked about his uni days, meeting the woman (Ami, Jongin noted), and getting married.
Near the end it said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’m still sorry for leaving you behind. I miss you and think about how you’re doing all the time. You will always be my first and most important friend. I wanted you to be here for my wedding. I wish you well, and I’ll always be praying for your happiness.”
“I was in love with that man once,” Kyungsoo said quietly.
“Sounds like a douchebag ex if you ask me,” Jongin said. “Why send you such a long and sentimental letter about his wedding?”
Kyungsoo smiled again, and Jongin felt proud of himself. “Yes, he’s a bit of a dick, isn’t he?”
“You said the ‘d’ word!”
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “We’re not 10.”
Jongin grinned, and they lapsed into silence. He stayed with Kyungsoo for the rest of the night, just sitting, not talking. Kyungsoo never mentioned love again after that, but Jongin would always remember that night as the night he realized he liked Kyungsoo and wanted to pursue him. More than anyone, Jongin knew how it felt to have a broken heart. Kyungsoo wore his on his sleeve even though he tried to make it seem like it wasn’t. Jongin would take it slow-he had issues of his own to deal with-but he would get there one day.
He remembers that moment now with a certain fondness that still makes his heart constrict when he thinks of Kyungsoo’s tears. The morning after their talk, he’d left the first of what would become hundreds of post-its on milk cartons in front of Kyungsoo’s door: “You’re ugly when you cry (so don’t cry).”
Kyungsoo wakes up way too early to the sound of his door buzzer. He barely makes it to the bathroom to wash his face when he hears a familiar voice shouting from his front door, "If you don't let me in, I'll scream so loudly everyone on this floor will come out. I know you're awake, Do Kyungsoo!"
Kyungsoo sighs and shuffles out of the bathroom, grabbing a pile of papers and a flash drive from his desk on his way to the door. "Take it. Take it all," he says, handing everything to Baekhyun as soon as he opens the door.
Baekhyun takes them but enters the flat anyway.
"Baekhyun," Kyungsoo warns.
"What? I need a place to crash. My eyeliner's all smudged, and you know I only like it when it's applied perfectly." Baekhyun heads straight to Kyungoo's sofa, sprawls on it face down, and moans in delight.
"Did you just purr?" Kyungsoo's eyes pop open widely at the incredulity. "Just how tired are you?"
Baekhyun props himself up on his elbows, and Kyungsoo gets a closer look at his friend's manic eyes. "Eight hours of sleep the entire week."
Kyungsoo sighs. "Come on then. You can have my bed."
Baekhyun just stares at him. "Don't you have to tell me something?"
"I already gave you my work and I'm offering you my warm, fluffy bed. What else do you want from me?" Kyungsoo smiles wryly.
"Oh, stop. I know you love me, that's a given. That's not what I'm talking about." Baekhyun places a milk carton on the coffee table and wiggles his eyebrows.
"God, what is up with all of you and your obsession with my milk cartons?" He attempts to take it from the coffee table, but Baekhyun stops him with one hand.
"Nuh uh. Not until you tell me who this Jongin is."
"My next-door neighbor," Kyungsoo answers in his flattest tone possible.
Baekhyun's eyes light up at his tone. "You like him. Do Kyungsoo, you're keeping secrets from your best friend."
"He's just a friend I'd like to keep," Kyungsoo protests. He glances at his post-it-filled wall and casually angles his body to block Baekhyun's view. He doesn't want him to get any wrong ideas.
"A friend," Baekhyun makes air quotes, "won't send you a mushy message saying, 'Thanks for last night.' Smiley face. Oh my god, just what did you two do?"
"Have dinner. We do that all the time, Baek. Don't tell me I'm in love with you." Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and leans against the wall.
"If you're trying to hide that cork board full of post-it's behind you," Baekhyun says imperiously, "it's too late. I saw it as soon as I entered your flat. Why are you even trying?"
Kyungsoo stops slouching against the wall and instead attempts to pry Baekhyun off the sofa. "You ask too many questions. Just go to bed."
"It's not wrong to like someone, you know," Baekhyun says quietly. He hesitates. "Lu Han wouldn't want to see you like this."
"I'll pretend I didn't hear you say that." Kyungsoo looks down at his hands and wrings them. "Not interested in anything but one-sided crushes right now, thank you very much."
"Is it so wrong to want to try again?"
Kyungsoo resists putting his face in his hands. "I really don't like him that way, Baek."
"And this wall of post-its over here is just a shrine you built for posterity."
"I like the messages, okay?" Kyungsoo rubs his face with one hand. "They make me smile. They're the only things that make me smile, actually, now that I've stopped peeping at the guy who lives in the opposite building."
"...you peeped into some guy's flat? For how long?"
"A while." Kyungsoo studiously keeps his eyes on the floor. "I was afraid of telling you about it. I know how...odd it sounds."
"It is, but you should have told me anyway. Did you really think I would judge you?" Baekhyun is frowning now. "This Jongin, is his surname Kim? Tall with dark eyes, dark hair, bronze god complexion..."
"Lots of people fit that description."
"...and sort of like thick pouty lips?"
"Yes." It's Kyungsoo's turn to frown. He looks at Baekhyun with suspicion. "What's going on? Do you know him?"
Baekhyun sighs and shakes his head. "New artist under my care. What are the chances, huh? I really want to tell my boss to just let me handle the writers."
"He is good at drawing." Kyungsoo takes a quick glance at the post-it with a pretty accurate depiction of his face. "It figures you'd recognize his talent."
"Well," Baekhyun says, "everything makes sense now."
"What does?"
Baekhyun nods thoughtfully. "Never mind. Just tell me. What is it about Jongin that scares you?"
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. "I'm not afraid of him." His voice cracks on the last word. "I'm just afraid of the possibility of...liking him." The 'You know what happened the last time I liked someone’ goes unspoken.
Baekhyun motions for Kyungsoo to join him on the sofa. When Kyungsoo reluctantly does, he holds him by the shoulders and gives him a solemn-eyed look. "How do you know what will happen when you haven't even tried?"
That night, Kyungsoo looks at his binoculars for the last time, running his hands lovingly over the cold metal and remembering just how much it had helped him cope over the years. He’d bought it on a whim when he first moved into his apartment after uni, and it had become his steadiest companion as he formally banished having a love life from his plans.
Love had never been an easy thing for Kyungsoo, who had tried to like girls when he was younger but just didn’t find them appealing. He didn’t realize he was gay until he fell for his best friend when he was 17 years old. They met in their freshman year in high school. Lu Han was a student who just moved from China. They were seatmates, and Lu Han couldn’t stop talking to him on the first day of classes. They became partners in crime after that: Kyungsoo thought up crazy schemes while Lu Han with his cheeky smile and innocent-looking face executed them to perfection and made sure they didn’t get caught by any teachers. Lu Han’s presence was electric. Everyone gravitated towards him without even knowing it. Kyungsoo became popular by association, his classmates interpreting his natural quietness as an air of mystery. Kyungsoo let them because he didn’t know what else to tell them.
There was a running joke in school that neither of them had girlfriends because they were in love with each other. Lu Han laughed them off easily (he had to fend off girls all the time, and he would often tell Kyungsoo which of them he actually found attractive), but Kyungsoo was uncomfortable with the jokes. It was only on his 17th birthday, when Lu Han gave him a personalized playlist, which included a song he himself composed, that Kyungsoo finally acknowledged the rapid thumping of his heart whenever he was with Lu Han as proof that he thought of him as more than a friend.
For months, Kyungsoo kept his secret to himself. He was so afraid of losing Lu Han that he chose to ignore his feelings and pretend everything was fine. The charade ended when Lu Han, observant as he was, noticed his change in demeanor.
“Is there something wrong?” Lu Han asked one day, and Kyungsoo almost didn’t answer him, except the way Lu Han’s face was creased in worry made his heart beat double-time.
“Nothing,” Kyungsoo said with a straight face. “If you count being in love with you as nothing, that is.”
The surprised look on Lu Han’s face was something Kyungsoo would remember for years (he liked that he was the only who could ever disarm him), but he would do everything to forget the look of pain that followed after, the trace of pity in his eyes as he tried to figure out what to tell Kyungsoo without breaking his heart. “I’m sorry, Kyungsoo,” he finally said. “I’m really sorry, but I don’t feel the same way. I like girls.”
Kyungsoo understood, but that didn’t stop him from wishing Lu Han would like him instead. He hung his head and tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.
“This doesn’t change anything between us,” Lu Han continued, his voice quiet but firm. “You know that, right? You’re my best friend.”
He thought he’d already hit rock bottom after hearing those words, but the worst was yet to come. A week after his confession, Lu Han took him aside and told him something that broke his already shattered heart into even tinier pieces: his family was returning to China.
The days that followed became an endless cycle of torture for Kyungsoo. Word had somehow gotten around school that he had confessed to Lu Han and been rejected. Lu Han was apparently so upset he’d decided to move back to China. Whispers became taunts became curses doodled on his desk and eggs pelted at his head by angry freshmen.
“How dare you think you’re in the same league as our oppa?” his female classmate, one who had previously said he was cute, hissed at him.
They hacked his phone, got photos of him and Lu Han, and had them blown up and posted all over school. They drew hearts all over his printed face and horns on his head marking him as the devil that tried to lead their Lu Han astray. Lu Han and their friend, Baekhyun, immediately set about tearing the posters from the walls and reporting them to teachers. Kyungsoo could only look on numbly as his world fell apart. The more Lu Han tried to protect him, the angrier they got.
“I don’t want to leave you behind when things are like this,” Lu Han said on his moving day as Kyungsoo accompanied his family to the airport. “Transfer out of that school. Just. Get away from those vultures. Promise me you’ll be okay.”
Kyungsoo almost laughed in his face. He loved Lu Han, but he hated him too, for not feeling the same way, for leaving, for asking him to promise something when he won’t be there to make it come true. “I hate you right now,” Kyungsoo said honestly, his eyes long empty of tears. “But for what it’s worth, I’m going to miss you when you’re gone.”
The damage had already been done.
He was on the rooftop eating lunch alone in the aftermath when a group of girls approached him. “See the edge of the building over there?” their leader said. “Why don’t you do the world a favor and just go and die?”
Kyungsoo found himself standing at the edge of the rooftop and looking down. The world was making him dizzy. Maybe it would be better to make it all stop. Maybe it would be better not to feel anymore. But before he could decide on anything, Baekhyun was there, small but formidable in his wrinkled school uniform, eyes glittering and lined with kohl. “You leave him alone, or I’ll sic my policeman dad at you. He’s a chief. Do you know what kind of damage he can do?”
Kyungsoo held everything in until the girls were gone. His body shook in the aftermath, but all he could think of was how Lu Han was gone. It was only when he felt Baekhyun’s arms around him that he realized he was crying. “It’s okay,” Baekhyun told him, tone soothing. Kyungsoo wanted to disappear into his arms. “You’re safe. Everything will be all right.”
Kyungsoo blinks out of the memories, the lightest of twinges in his heart as he thinks of Lu Han. He takes a deep breath, puts on his coat, and leaves his apartment, binoculars in hand. Once he gets outside the apartment complex, he heads for the dumpster and tosses the binoculars in. “You’re okay, Do Kyungsoo,” he tells himself. Everything’s going to be okay.
It's their fourth not-date since the pizzeria, or at least, that's what Jongin thinks, until he sees Kyungsoo wearing a checkered shirt and blazer set he's never seen before under his favorite coat. And is his hair actually styled?
"I was going to take you to a beach nearby," Jongin says, looking at Kyungsoo's outfit in wonder.
"Okay." Kyungsoo has his determined face on. "Let's go."
Jongin laughs and Kyungsoo looks startled by the sound. "You make it sound like torture. You don't have to go if you don't want to, you know."
"Did I say I didn't want to?"
"No, but your game face is honestly scaring me."
Kyungsoo glares at him, and Jongin almost thinks he's embarrassed except for the fact that the Do Kyungsoo he knows would never show embarrassment. "Let's just go."
Being with Kyungsoo is easy. Jongin doesn't feel the need to talk, but he doesn't find the silence between them uncomfortable either. He'd like to think his knowledge of Kyungsoo's moods has improved over the years. If the way he’s reading him is right, Kyungsoo feels just as content in the silence as he is.
They sit side by side on the shore, thighs almost but not quite touching. Jongin draws a rough portrait of Kyungsoo in the sand with a stick he found, while Kyungsoo reads The Unbearable Lightness of Being, looking for all the world like a preppy college student on vacation.
Jongin briefly reconsiders interrupting the silence-it's just so peaceful-but he decides to go along with his gut. "Hey, um, Kyungsoo, I never did get to show you my webcomic. Have you seen it online yet?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and looks back at him with an expectant but relaxed expression, making him feel brave enough to take out his portable tablet. He clears his throat nervously. "It's about a modern-day Rapunzel." Something wet crawls across his skin. He blinks at the ball of fur suddenly attempting to climb his thigh, licking what it can reach of his free hand.
"Philip," Kyungsoo says, looking bewildered.
Jongin feels his stomach sinking when he sees Park Chanyeol approaching them, waving and grinning as what could only be his dog rushes over to meet him halfway.
"What are you doing here?" Jongin can't help blurting out. He's already mentally retreating as he puts down his tablet reluctantly.
Chanyeol looks toward the sea. "Not thinking," he says, then seems to think better of it and adds, "Trying to get over a broken heart. What about you?"
Jongin wonders how to answer him without losing his temper, but before he can say anything, Kyungsoo says, "Healing."
Chanyeol shrugs. "Guess all suffering must end sometime. I'm still trying, but I'll get there."
He and Kyungsoo exchange a significant look that has Jongin feeling strangely like a third wheel. Until he feels the heel of Kyungsoo's palm brushing against his as he interlocks their fingers. He looks up at him in surprise, but Kyungsoo's eyes are calmly directed at Chanyeol.
Chanyeol clears his throat and grins at them both. "Well, I have to get going. I'm moving out of Kris's place today. I figured I'd follow your love advice, after all."
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. "Not your love coach."
"Whatever. I'm still saying thank you." Chanyeol sticks his tongue out. "Come on, Philip. Your master's probably worried about you." Philip barks. "See you around, Kyungsoo. Bye, Kim Jongin." He winks at Jongin before turning to leave, Philip following at his heels.
"Well, that was strange." Jongin tries not to feel too self-conscious about Kyungsoo's hand still in his. "I didn't know you had connections in the gaming world."
"I didn't ask him to barge into my flat," Kyungsoo says, "but I'm glad he did."
"He entered your flat without your permission?"
"You and my editor would really get along. Both overprotective." Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I'm just saying," he says, pausing significantly, "he helped me realize a few things."
Jongin feels his throat run dry. "Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
Jongin takes a deep breath and gently removes his hand from Kyungsoo's grip. "I was about to tell you something, but we got interrupted." He swallows and begins to place the tablet in Kyungsoo's hands. "There's something you need to know about my webcomic."
Kyungsoo bites his lower lip. “It’s about you and me. I know.”
Jongin drops the tablet and bowls over Kyungsoo in the process. Kyungsoo lands on his back with Jongin in an awkward position on top of him. He thinks he’s going to have a heart attack from the stress and their proximity. There might also be sand in his pants. “Huh?”
Kyungsoo blushes and Jongin finds it surprising. “Sehun showed it to me two weeks ago right before our first…date.”
Jongin growls low in his mouth. “That brat. Is that why you looked so scared when I wanted to show you the comic the first time?”
Kyungsoo nods.
“Okay, so I don’t need to show you after all.” Jongin laughs at the incredulity of it all. “This is not a conversation we should be having in this position.” He sits up and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand to help him up. “You always surprise me, Kyungsoo. Always. Did I get all tortured for nothing?”
“You haven’t even told me anything,” Kyungsoo says, and Jongin swears his eyes are twinkling. There’s sand in his hair, and he almost looks mischievous.
“Cheeky, but you have a point.” Jongin clears his throat. For a moment, he thinks of all the ways this could go wrong again, and then he thinks of Kyungsoo having the courage to hold his hand. If he’s not afraid, Jongin shouldn’t be either. “Do Kyungsoo, I like you. I’ve always liked you. Will you give me a chance?”
“That depends,” Kyungsoo says quietly. The way he’s looking at Jongin, eyes half-lidded, is making him feel breathless.
“On what?”
Kyungsoo says nothing for a moment, and then he’s sticking a post-it note on Jongin’s forehead, his face a blank mask.
“Hey!”
Kyungsoo gives him a pointed look.
Jongin removes the offending post-it from his forehead, his hands trembling with a sudden case of nerves. “I like you too, Jongin. [Imagine a smiley face here],” it reads.
Jongin looks up at Kyungsoo and sees him raising an eyebrow in challenge, almost as if he’s saying, ‘Now what are you going to do about it?’
Jongin doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Oh fuck it, he thinks and leans in to kiss him. Kyungsoo’s lips are soft and warm and nothing like he’s imagined. Jongin’s hand drifts to Kyungsoo’s nape unconsciously; he can feel Kyungsoo’s fingertips pressing into his thigh.
“That answer your question?” he whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear when they break for air.
Kyungsoo writes “yes” on his palm and smiles.
That night, Kyungsoo watches Jongin sleeping peacefully on the sofa in his living room. “Your eyelashes are annoyingly long,” he says, touching the edges with his fingers. Jongin scrunches his nose and mutters incoherently in his sleep at the intrusion. Kyungsoo smiles and moves to his writing desk where his laptop is waiting as always.
They say love is a four-letter word worse than the worst of curses, he types with conviction, but what they don’t say is how love is also the most beautiful word of all…
Kyungsoo gets up to put a blanket over Jongin’s prone body. He hesitates then leans forward to brush his lips gently against Jongin’s cheek. Jongin tugs him forward and makes the kiss land on his lips. Kyungsoo pulls back and glares at him.
“Caught you,” Jongin says, smirking. “It’s not like you were thinking of avoiding it.”
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but says nothing as Jongin pulls him back in for a longer kiss.
…and just how much it matters when the right person uses it.
Baekhyun had been brought up to be streetwise and tough. With a police chief for a father and a lawyer for a mother, it was almost a given that he would have a strong personality. It was also probably this upbringing that led him to go against convention. He followed neither of his parents’ footsteps and went into writing. He became an editor of a publishing house (he was good at his job too).
But what no one knows about him (except maybe Kyungsoo) is that he’s a closet romantic. He enjoys love stories the most from the mounds and mounds of manuscripts he receives every day. He secretly dreams of finding someone who’ll appreciate his brash personality one day, someone who’ll let him be himself and love him for it.
Until that day comes, though, he’s just Byun Baekhyun, editor, going through another day. Today, his sub-editor, Kyungsoo, has another manuscript due, which is why he’s in front of Kyungsoo’s door, buzzing repeatedly and then rapping his knuckles against the dark wood when no one answers. “I know you’re in there, Do Kyungsoo!” he hollers.
“He didn’t come home last night,” a deep voice booms from somewhere to his right. The door to No. 366 is open, and a tall man with messy, curly dark hair is leaning against it and grinning at him. He has a striking resemblance to gaming master Park Chanyeol except Baekhyun knows for a fact that Chanyeol would never be caught dead wearing panda pajamas like that. Or, at least, that’s what he’s learned from fansites.
“Kyungsoo’s not the type who stays out all night,” Baekhyun says.
The man shrugs. “People change. He loves parties now.”
Baekhyun narrows his eyes in suspicion.
“You must be Baekhyun, Kyungsoo’s editor. He told me all about you,” the man continues. He has a nice smile, Baekhyun has to admit. Nice smiles usually mean danger.
“Kyungsoo doesn’t talk to strangers, especially not about his friends,” Baekhyun says, all senses on alert. “Are you some stalker?”
The man snorts. “You tell me who’s the real stalker between me and Kyungsoo.”
Baekhyun’s eyebrows rise up to his hairline. “Look here, mister! Are you accusing my best friend of stalking?”
The man’s eyes are twinkling merrily. “I did no such thing. Now how about you come in for some breakfast while you wait for him? I’m sure he and Jongin just got distracted by some burst of creativity in the middle of the night or something. You know how they are. I can’t cook, but I can make pancakes!”
When Baekhyun frowns (he knows Jongin too?), the man adds, “I like your eyeliner. It looks good on you. I just look ridiculous with it on. Maybe I’m just not applying it right.” He grins disarmingly.
“You just need a steady hand and the right kind of eyeliner, to be honest,” Baekhyun pipes up on automatic.
“Tell me about it.”
And suddenly Baekhyun thinks it might be a good idea to check the bulletin board he’d seen at the lobby when he leaves the building later. He might have spotted a “For Lease” ad for No. 367. As the man ushers him into his flat and closes the door, Baekhyun almost thinks he hears a sleepy Kyungsoo call out his name in confusion. He must be imagining things.