letting it out where i shouldnt. don't even bother reading.
I was thinking in the shower of what to put here and I came up with tons of good stuff on how I'm feeling, and of course, 2 horus later, I remember none of it.
Let's see how I do.
I could have used someone to talk to tonight... :-/ I thought I WAS going to have someone to talk to tonight. it's okay.
I've realized tonight that I really don't like myself, I'm not happy with the way I handle things or act or what I say. Most people know the fun side of me I guess, or know me when I put on my mask as I walk out the door. I have a lot kept inside, not many people know that, but its okay cause I'd rather not share. I hate being depressed, cause it bothers me when other people are..I mean really, how hard can everyone's live REALLY be? But, I myself am at fault for that as well. My life is not bad in the least bit, yeah I've hit quite a few bumps in the road but would that make an entire lifetime bad? No, I was not scarred. Yes I've been upset and I often have those days where you just sit and do nothing and feel sorry for yourself, but as long as I don't bring it on others I don't care what I do. Life should be a beautiful thing, with the occassinal bad days, not an awful thing with the ocassional good days. I think I'm getting off track..
So in the past few weeks I've been acting pretty poorly to some people who mean a lot to me, why? I haven't the slightest clue. I don't think when I do things, and it ends up hurting others. I could have stopped it earlier but nooooo not me, I just keep going and going and digging deeper and deeper until thers nowhere else to hide and it all explodes. It happens to me in a lot of senarios, and of course I'm too dumb to be able to change the way I handle things. For anyone I've hurt by doing this, I am thoroughly sorry.
I also hate when people lie, even if its about dumb things, I hate it. It bugs the shit out of me. Maybe thats why I don't like myself! Ha! Back to what I was saying about digging that hole....yep, it's not good. But I'm not just blaming myself here, I'm not the only imperfect person in this world.
Another thing, I'm not good at confronting people or being mean to them in person. I guess you can call me nice? No, thats not it. Weak? There we go. I hate the fact that I let things go too easily, but then again, thats not completely a bad thing...but then other times I feel like I get walked on. I don't want to be walked on. A simple I'm Sorry shows a lot but it doesn't fix everything. I don't know, I just wish I could be stronger. Help.
When you need help, I'm always there to lend an ear or a shoulder or anything, but whenever I need help, it's not important? I don't think thats fair! :(
Well if you got this far then you were really bored. I probably shoudln't post shit like this here but I type a lot faster than I write so its like a secret journal for all the world to see...not so secret anymore huh.
I don't want this to change anyoens opinion on me, its just my thoughts. I don't hate life, I love life, Life is amazing. It was carefully planned and given to us by God or who/whatever you may believe in, and I belive it is not to be taken selfishly. But then again, it is YOUR life, and there is such a thing as free will right? Yep there is. So that right there could change everything. I could go on for ever on this subject but I'm tired.