Rules for Dating Meredith
As it happens, I've been planning on making a post like this for a long time. The original plan was to do an illustrated version, and there are still pencil roughs in my sketchbook. They're still quite rough, and I'm busy enough that they'll stay rough for a while. But, since tall_man has provided us with a set of Rules for Dating Tyler, I feel compelled to present the following.
It is worth noting that unless indicated otherwise, these rules should be considered symmetric -- that is, they apply to me as much as they apply to you.
1. Yes, there is an intelligence cutoff. No, you do not get to know what it is.
2. I do not date anyone crazier than I am. Note that I am known for singing in public and juggling fruit in the grocery store, so by "crazy" I do not mean "weird"; I mean "mentally unstable in ways that make it difficult for you to conduct your day-to-day life". Broken is okay. Demolished is not.
(N.B.: This rule is not symmetric. Sure, I'll date people whom I'm crazier than.)
3. You must dance, or be willing to fake it. If chemical saturation is necessary to get you to dance, that's okay, but I'm not going to pay for all of it.
4. I do not date anyone affiliated with the legal profession. Sorry, guys; been burned one too many times. One-night stands are a possibility; law students can be friends with benefits.
5. There are good surprises and there are bad surprises. You must be able to distinguish between the two. Roses on my doorstep are a good surprise. Finding out while we're in bed that you're impotent or when we get pulled over that you have a warrant out are bad surprises.
6. I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. Lying does not equate to "protecting me", and is grounds for a breakup. "I don't know" and "I'm not going to tell you" are valid answers if true.
Corollary to #6: You must be aware that not every question you ask will have an answer you like. However, the answer will be true.
7. There is a difference between clingy and possessive. Clingy is cute. (Too much clingy, especially performative clingy, can be irritating; if this happens I will tell you.) Possessiveness makes me angry. I will point out which is which if the situation ever arises, and you had better be able to identify each in the future.
8. I reserve the right to act in a manner befitting my gender, or befitting any other gender, at my whim. This includes things like wearing makeup, playing paintball, and/or accompanying gay male friends to leather bars.
9. There is also a hygiene and social-skills cutoff. You do not get to know what it is, either. No, I cannot articulate exactly where the line is drawn; it's kinda like pornography that way. Accept it.
10. If you are trying to get me into a relationship with the intention of changing something about who and/or what I am, you should give up now and save yourself the time, effort, frustration and pain.
(The symmetry in this may not be obvious, so I'm going to specify it. It may happen that at some point -- whether before a relationship begins, or afterward -- I discover something about you which I realise I can't live with as is. I will probably point it out, but this may very well be in the context of explaining why the relationship can't continue.
People do decide to change, for one reason or another; I've done it myself in the past. I might very well end up changing because I realise that something you find unacceptable really isn't working out for me after all. I don't expect that to alter your views, though. Please understand that your decision to change might not alter mine, either.)
11. I do not date within the department. This applies to both work and school. Yes, it applies to undergrads too.
Of all the rules, #11 is the one I am most likely to suspend, but not if it keeps biting me in the ass.
12. If I'm good enough to fuck, I'm good enough to admit to. Secrecy fucks with my head and makes me feel like a dirty little secret, as it should. I'm not saying you have to bring me home to Grandma immediately after the first time we spend the night together, but if we've been doing the horizontal tango for a month and you still won't hold my hand when strangers are around, that ain't right.
13. I am not the answer. I cannot say it more plainly than that. If you find happiness in my company, great. If your happiness somehow hinges on me, you have a problem, and I cannot solve it for you.
14. I prefer relationships of equivalent depth. If we're just fuckbuddies, that's great, as long as we both know and are both happy with that fact. If we're madly in love with each other, ditto. Imbalances are hard to deal with, and unlikely to end well. I trust you to let me know if you've reached the end of the line, if you're as involved as you're ever going to get; I will do the same. Leading me to hold out hope for something more when it's never going to happen will not be met well, and will be met less well the longer it goes on.
15. If you are on the friend ladder and I have to save your life, you are staying there. It does not matter whether the proximate cause of having to save your life is your fault, someone else's, or a complete accident; I know I can't be objective in that kind of situation and I don't think anyone else can either.
(N.B.: no, this does not mean that if we are already involved and I have to save your life that I will then have to break up with you. If I don't know you, you're on the friend ladder.)
This list may, and probably will, be updated as time goes on.
It is worth noting that unless indicated otherwise, these rules should be considered symmetric -- that is, they apply to me as much as they apply to you.
1. Yes, there is an intelligence cutoff. No, you do not get to know what it is.
2. I do not date anyone crazier than I am. Note that I am known for singing in public and juggling fruit in the grocery store, so by "crazy" I do not mean "weird"; I mean "mentally unstable in ways that make it difficult for you to conduct your day-to-day life". Broken is okay. Demolished is not.
(N.B.: This rule is not symmetric. Sure, I'll date people whom I'm crazier than.)
3. You must dance, or be willing to fake it. If chemical saturation is necessary to get you to dance, that's okay, but I'm not going to pay for all of it.
4. I do not date anyone affiliated with the legal profession. Sorry, guys; been burned one too many times. One-night stands are a possibility; law students can be friends with benefits.
5. There are good surprises and there are bad surprises. You must be able to distinguish between the two. Roses on my doorstep are a good surprise. Finding out while we're in bed that you're impotent or when we get pulled over that you have a warrant out are bad surprises.
6. I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. Lying does not equate to "protecting me", and is grounds for a breakup. "I don't know" and "I'm not going to tell you" are valid answers if true.
Corollary to #6: You must be aware that not every question you ask will have an answer you like. However, the answer will be true.
7. There is a difference between clingy and possessive. Clingy is cute. (Too much clingy, especially performative clingy, can be irritating; if this happens I will tell you.) Possessiveness makes me angry. I will point out which is which if the situation ever arises, and you had better be able to identify each in the future.
8. I reserve the right to act in a manner befitting my gender, or befitting any other gender, at my whim. This includes things like wearing makeup, playing paintball, and/or accompanying gay male friends to leather bars.
9. There is also a hygiene and social-skills cutoff. You do not get to know what it is, either. No, I cannot articulate exactly where the line is drawn; it's kinda like pornography that way. Accept it.
10. If you are trying to get me into a relationship with the intention of changing something about who and/or what I am, you should give up now and save yourself the time, effort, frustration and pain.
(The symmetry in this may not be obvious, so I'm going to specify it. It may happen that at some point -- whether before a relationship begins, or afterward -- I discover something about you which I realise I can't live with as is. I will probably point it out, but this may very well be in the context of explaining why the relationship can't continue.
People do decide to change, for one reason or another; I've done it myself in the past. I might very well end up changing because I realise that something you find unacceptable really isn't working out for me after all. I don't expect that to alter your views, though. Please understand that your decision to change might not alter mine, either.)
11. I do not date within the department. This applies to both work and school. Yes, it applies to undergrads too.
Of all the rules, #11 is the one I am most likely to suspend, but not if it keeps biting me in the ass.
12. If I'm good enough to fuck, I'm good enough to admit to. Secrecy fucks with my head and makes me feel like a dirty little secret, as it should. I'm not saying you have to bring me home to Grandma immediately after the first time we spend the night together, but if we've been doing the horizontal tango for a month and you still won't hold my hand when strangers are around, that ain't right.
13. I am not the answer. I cannot say it more plainly than that. If you find happiness in my company, great. If your happiness somehow hinges on me, you have a problem, and I cannot solve it for you.
14. I prefer relationships of equivalent depth. If we're just fuckbuddies, that's great, as long as we both know and are both happy with that fact. If we're madly in love with each other, ditto. Imbalances are hard to deal with, and unlikely to end well. I trust you to let me know if you've reached the end of the line, if you're as involved as you're ever going to get; I will do the same. Leading me to hold out hope for something more when it's never going to happen will not be met well, and will be met less well the longer it goes on.
15. If you are on the friend ladder and I have to save your life, you are staying there. It does not matter whether the proximate cause of having to save your life is your fault, someone else's, or a complete accident; I know I can't be objective in that kind of situation and I don't think anyone else can either.
(N.B.: no, this does not mean that if we are already involved and I have to save your life that I will then have to break up with you. If I don't know you, you're on the friend ladder.)
This list may, and probably will, be updated as time goes on.