Comments | maradydd: How it usually goes.

maradydd

How it usually goes.

Mar 25, 2013 21:53

I've made my own contributions to the #IAskedPolitely discussion, which probably got lost in the shuffle. But those are my unusual stories. Here are twothree real-life stories of what conflict resolution, in those kinds of scenarios, usually looks like for me.

I'm among a small group of hacker friends, and the subject of underrepresentation of ( Read more... )

be the change

Comments 26

paka March 27 2013, 00:44:45 UTC

What is it that's so different for me?

You're one of the smartest people I know. I'd suggest that simply because you have more to process with, any processing is amped up. I don't know enough personal history to know what in your background might be getting tweaked and amped up. I'm very glad that you have the hacker community as emotional space; that's got to be ridiculously useful.

maradydd July 8 2013, 18:00:25 UTC

Probably the most useful thing about it is that they get that I am hacking my own social machinery in order to better understand (and hopefully improve) it, and facilitate it.

barbarienne March 27 2013, 22:51:35 UTC

What is it that's so different for me?

-->Perhaps because you have not been socialized in the same way that other women have been socialized. I'm fairly certain this is the secret of my general success, too.

Most women are socialized to be accommodating. They are taught that saying "No" is unacceptable. They learn softer, indirect phrases. Those phrases generally work with other women, but frequently don't work with men (who are generally socialized to be direct and to interpret indirectness as weakness, or to completely miss that anything was said at all).

Even knowing about the problem doesn't help, since even if a woman eventually learns to be direct, her body language may still betray discomfort at being direct, and she won't be taken seriously by someone who has been taught that an indirect reply can be ignored ( ... )

tyrsalvia March 28 2013, 05:34:06 UTC

IAWTC

maradydd July 8 2013, 18:02:05 UTC

I am leaning toward "didn't notice," which is part of why I think of my autism as a superpower.

tyrsalvia March 28 2013, 05:33:26 UTC

You don't come across as particularly femme. We haven't met in person many times, but I have not seen you dressed femme, and I suspect it is not a frequent occurrence. This is a big big part of it - even when specific guys in question find you personally attractive, you still don't get a lot of the same generalized "I'm a guy and you're a girl" stuff because you're read as more gender neutral ( ... )

digitalusrex March 29 2013, 02:50:30 UTC

these kinds of things happen because you are a straight-forward, honest & rational person. talking to you for 5 minutes validates this. you're also no bullshit which also shows through. you are also pretty good at maintaining a level voice. i'm pretty sure that if you were outraged by something, you'd still approach the situation the same calm, methodical way you approach everything else. also, 5 minutes with you talking about even about the most mundane things makes my brain hurt from the sheer weight of your intelligence. even without your professional credentials, you are an impressive person, mer ( ... )