The Pauper Princess and the Born Legacy, Part 7
Here's Part 6.
I'm so long-winded, even my fanfictions have chapters!!
The story so far...!
-The castle has been acting up lately
-A possible plotpoint dreaded by all readers of fanfiction everywhere was introduced
-Agatha is about to re-enter the crypt, aka the Chapel of Bones, to retrieve Mara, who was thrown down the chute by the castle, which, as mentioned above, has been acting up lately
The legal disclaimer stuff:
"This story is not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment."
Pauper Princess FanFiction Theatre presents:
The Pauper Princess and the Born Legacy, Part 7!
"I can't ask you to do this," said Kelvin.
"Come on, I'm the only one who can," said Agatha. "I've already been there and back, remember? I'm not going to let her down. And I need to find out why the castle has been so insubordinate lately."
She started to move to the trap door, when Kelvin stopped her. He took up her hand and kissed it. "Please save my wife," he said, "My Lady."
Mara had already been shouting for them, especially at the spot in the ceiling where she had fallen through. It was kind of the castle to have cushioned her fall with so many bones. She had first hit the floor with her feet, which then slid out from under her and sent her onto her buttocks. After she got up, the scattered bones returned to their original spots. She stepped carefully, slowly, peering intently for anything that could conceivably come to "life" and pounce. Unfortunately, everything in the room looked like it could.
A bloodied altar was situated before a huge window of broken, stained glass. She thought that the window might provide an escape, and cautiously started moving that way, pretending to be looking around at nothing in particular. When she got close enough to the altar, a wall of bones formed and pushed her back.
"Stop that!" she said, moving back, but with a set jaw and fiery eyes. "Leave these remains in peace! Have you no respect for the dead?"
"THE DEAD DID NOT RESPECT ME," said the castle. "AND WE CAN'T HAVE YOU LEAVING PREMATURELY."
"If this is the place I think it is," she said, "I did not ask to be here! I have no interest in your abominable test! Let me go!"
"ONCE YOU'RE HERE," it said, "THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN LEAVE. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES."
"I said, I don't want to be here!" she yelled. "I don't want to take your test! I-- I forfeit! Let me out, now!"
"FORFEIT?" said the castle. "YOU GIVE UP THE GAME?"
"Yes!" she said. "Yes, I'm not playing. I can leave, and everyone will be happy!"
"I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF 'FORFEITURE,' " it said. There was a rumbling in the floor, and all at once, she was surrounded by every sort of weapon and instrument of torture and death that even a madman - or madwoman - might conceive of. There were circles upon circles of them, reaching all the way to the walls. Mara looked up and saw yet more devices descending from the ceiling.
"THIS MAKES ME SAD," it said. "I THINK YOU HAD A GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING."
Every device began powering up. Mara surveyed the room as best as she could, and saw Death in every space. Every sense sharpened to the keenest they had ever been, but not to fight or flee. There was no point in either. Time slowed to a near standstill. She felt and heard her heartbeat, her breathing, every sound and sensation in the room, all slowing into one long, mournful note. A wave of peace, not fear, washed over her. She took a final breath and closed her eyes, seeing the faces of her family in her mind.
Then every device in the room suddenly powered down and disappeared whence it had come.
"aaaaahhhHHHHH-!" whoomp went Agatha, having fallen down the same chute as Mara. She lay on the floor and groaned. Mara was still in her state of zen and was unaware that anything had changed.
"Ahhh, little help here?" said Agatha. A moment later, Mara snapped to and rushed over to assist.
"Oh, my goodness!" said Mara, pulling her up. "Are you injured? Can you tell if anything is broken?"
"I'll be fine," Agatha grumbled. "Just like old times around here. But how are you? Has it done anything to you? Did it bring out the big lion head?"
Mara looked about the room. It appeared exactly as when she'd first arrived. "...Not that I could tell," she said. "I should say that your arrival was... most timely."
"You'd know the big lion head if you saw it." She stood with arms akimbo and surveyed the room. "Now to get you out of here without anything else going wrong."
"Did it bring you here, too?" asked Mara. "Or did you come on your own?"
"On my own," said Agatha, smiling and patting her shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll get you out."
"Thank you," she whispered. "You wouldn't happen to know why I'm here, would you?"
"That's... my fault, I'm afraid," said Agatha.
"I beg your pardon?"
"The castle mistook a sarcastic aside I made as a command," she said. "Which is why it must let you go. It made a mistake and must correct it."
"You expected a machine to understand sarcasm?" said Mara. "And I don't recall you saying any-" She gasped and gripped Agatha's arm. "Kelvin! He can't come down here! Please tell me he's not coming down here, too!"
"Nono, he understands that he can't come," said Agatha. "He's waiting topside for us."
*********************
Kelvin paced nervously inside of the foyer. Occasionally he patted the trap door with his foot, but it stayed firmly in place. Remembering that the crypt was located below the library, he decided to try a different vantage point, in case it could be seen from farther away. He walked partway across the bridge, then looked back for any signs of the crypt: windows, ledges, anything that would help him determine what was happening inside. He yelled the women's names, then listened for any replies. There were none, so he walked a little more across the bridge and tried again. Still nothing that could provide a clue what was happening.
Frustrated, he decided to return to the foyer and check inside of the library for hidden passages, information about this bloody ritual, anything that might help the women. As soon as he took his first step back, the stones and railings began to drop, starting from the foyer and moving towards him. Quickly. Kelvin reacted immediately and sprinted at top speed towards the other side. The tumbling rocks and railings were keeping pace with him. Every desperate step he took disappeared into the misty depths of the gorge.
"RUN, RUN, CAN'T CATCH ME!" the castle taunted. "I'M GONNA GET YOU! I'M GONNA GET YOU!"
Kelvin dared not look back, because that action would slow him down and possibly send him off course, even if only the slightest bit. Up ahead, the double doors were closed. Once all the stones were gone, there would be no ledge for him, and he would fall. He planned to make a final leap for the top of the archway and prayed that there was enough of a handhold to delay his fall. He was just beginning to tense for the final leap, when the doors flew open on their own. He cried out in terror and anger, and ran through the doors and almost into the wall on the other side, just in time for the bridge to be no more.
"YOU WON!" said the castle. "GOOD JOB!"
He leaned against the wall for support and tried to catch his breath. Instead the more he thought about his situation, the faster his breath became. It became louder and faster like a locomotive gaining speed. He turned around and stared through the open doors, the other tower looking tiny in the distance. The other tower's doorway was still open, but there was no sign of the women.
"Why?" he said, still breathing heavily. "Why are you doing this? What do you want from us?"
"I WANT YOUR HOLIDAY TO BE FUN."
"Oh," he said, "Of course. That goes without saying. Every year we plan holidays that will put us in constant mortal danger. Bravo, Castle. Bravo."
"I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE PLEASED, POPPA!"
"I..." he said, and finally slowed his breathing. "What was that, now?"
*********************
"So... how do we get out?" asked Mara.
"I'll try the easy way first," said Agatha. "Castle! It is I, your mistress! She whom you yourself tested and accepted as the true Heterodyne! She who repaired you and gave you new purpose! I command you to release us both, unharmed and with no testing being done today, thank you very much!"
The women waited. And waited.
"Castle?"
"I'M SORRY, MISTRESS," it said. "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT."
"What's the problem?"
"I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS JUST AS WELL AS I DO."
"I'm afraid that I don't," she said. "My orders supersede the silly rules of that test, especially considering that you brought her here against her will. By mistake. So... supersede them! Open the door!"
"YOU ARE JUST ADORABLE WHEN YOU'RE COMMANDING LIKE THAT," it said.
"You have no idea how not adorable that I am right now," she growled. "You heard the 'against her will' part, yes? Now open the door! I command, and you obey!"
"TYPICALLY, YES," it said, "BUT YOU'RE WRONG, MISTRESS. YOUR AUTHORITY DOES NOT SUPERSEDE THE RULES OF THE CRYPT, AND SO-"
A deep rumbling shook the entire room. Dirt and dust and smoke and fire blew everywhere, and the floor itself rose up, unleashing a monstrous clank that evoked an armored samurai. Agatha grabbed Mara just in time and hurried them both to a safe part of the room - if any part of the room could be considered safe. The clank produced a giant, white, fanged head resembling a Chinese fu dog and dragon. It followed the women to their "safe" spot, and seemed to be staring at Agatha.
"DID YOU MISS ME?" it said, though there was no movement of the mouth to match the words. Its mouth was open wide enough for a limb to be inserted into... and then perhaps bitten off.
Agatha placed herself between the clank and Mara. "This is the big lion head," she said. "Castle, put this thing away! I don't know how I can make this more clear for you: She is not taking this test!"
"THEN SHE FORFEITS."
"No!" cried Mara. "NoNo! No forfeiting!" Agatha looked at her as though she'd lost her mind. "A very bad thing happened when I tried to - forfeit - last time."
Agatha was quiet in thought for a moment, then felt for something on the backside of her belt. She whispered into Mara's ear. "When I say Go, hold on to me as tightly as you can."
Mara nodded once, as subtly as she could.
"Castle," said Agatha, "I am leaving this room. Obviously I've passed the test and do not need to stay here. Open the door above and allow me to leave."
A few seconds of no activity passed, when the grinding of stone came from above. The trap door in the ceiling was open now. "What, no stairs or ladder?" she said.
"YOU ONLY ASKED ME TO OPEN THE DOOR," it said.
"It's becoming way too pedantic," she muttered. "This could be a long night of repairs." She paused to half-turn towards Mara, and put a hand on her hip. After a second, she whipped out her grappling gun, aimed high, shot right out of the hole - it latched firmly onto the floor above - and yelled "GO!"
Mara wrapped her arms and legs tightly around Agatha, who clicked the retraction button. Both women began shooting upwards towards the trap door - which suddenly slammed shut inches away from Agatha's hands, severing the cable. Neither woman had time to act heroically - for example, rolling herself under her companion to cushion the other's fall - and both slammed into the floor simultaneously. Mara lay still on the floor, not from the pain, but from despondency. Agatha groaned and forced herself onto all fours.
"FORGIVE ME, MISTRESS," said the castle, "BUT YOU WERE CHEATING."
"Yes, we couldn't have that," she groaned. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," said Mara flatly, still unmoving.
"Oh, no! What's broken? Can you move?"
"Nothing is broken," said Mara, still flatly. She slowly rolled over, grimacing as skulls slid about. "Will you be plain with me?"
"Of course."
"What do you think my chances would be?"
Agatha shook her head. "We will get out of here."
"I don't want to keep falling on our collective arses," said Mara. "Something will break at this rate."
"You can't give up after just one try! Come on," she said, standing up and offering a hand to Mara. There was a long pause before Mara sighed and let her friend help her back up.
Mara's voice was calm, and clear. "I'm uncertain that you understood my question. What - do you think - my chances - would be?"
"I did understand it," she said. "But we're not giving up. I have at least five ideas already for getting out of here!"
The fifth idea resulted in the castle encasing the women in clear, unbreakable spheres and rolling them continuously around the room at high speeds, hitting walls and large obstacles that lit up and made an annoying pinging sound at every impact. The obstacles then jolted, sending the spheres off to hit something else. On occasion, their spheres would collide, sending them in opposite directions. When their momentum slowed enough, a section of the floor would spring up and hit them away in a random direction.
Agatha gathered her wits and breath enough to shout the release word helpfully provided by the castle: "TILT!"
At that, the various obstacles retracted, and the spheres were allowed to coast to a stop before cracking open. Both women tumbled out like rag dolls. Mara was in a particularly compromising position: her buttocks pointed right at the ceiling, her head limp and lolling on the floor. Agatha dry-heaved before collapsing onto her side.
"THAT WAS FUN!" said the castle. "YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO ESCAPE AGAIN, YES?"
Mara groaned. "May I ask you a question?"
A grunt was the response.
"What do you think my chances would be?"
"One more try..." Agatha groaned and struggled to stand.
"I appreciate your efforts," said Mara, "But you're putting yourself in as much danger as I'm in."
"It's my fault that you're here."
"Stop it," said Mara. "Just stop. You're not to blame. But I'm afraid that these rescue efforts are going to kill us both before that damned test ever would."
"One more idea!"
"No!" said Mara. "Please; no more. But I still want to know: what do you think my chances are?"
Agatha paused in thought, then once more helped her friend to her feet. "I think they're very good," she said. "But my opinion means nothing; you pass, or die. That's all there is to it."
"Your opinion means a lot to me," said Mara. "I'm not interested in the legacy or the castle or whatever else it would mean to pass. I just want to get the hell out of here. And if this is the only way I can do that..."
Agatha was lost in thought again. An odd look came over her face. She stepped away from Mara and began looking about the room as though searching for something, then finally addressed the ever-unseen voice of the castle.
"There's more to this than a misunderstanding," she said. "There's another reason for all this. Isn't there, castle?"
"WHATEVER COULD YOU MEAN?" it asked.
"Don't be coy," said Agatha. "Why are we down here? What's the real reason?"
"YOU TOLD ME TO SEND HER HERE."
"No, what else, castle?" she said. "Answer me!"
"I.... WOULD LIKE TO... BUT IT'S BEEN DIFFICULT... OF LATE... TO SPEAK OF... SERIOUS... MATTERS."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I MEAN," it said, "THAT I'VE BEEN FEELING SO GOOD LATELY, I MAY HAVE BEEN FOCUSED ON THAT INSTEAD."
"And why are you feeling so 'good' lately?"
"I DON'T KNOW, MY LADY," it said, and then... giggled? "SORRY. LIKE I SAID, A CONTINUAL GOOD MOOD. BUT YOU LIKE ME THIS WAY, DON'T YOU?"
"Um... No," said Agatha. "This growing obsession with fun and games is not a good look for you. And I need to know where it's coming from."
"I WISH I COULD SAY," it said. "BUT I CAN RECOMMEND IT. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE, THEY SAY."
"Your version of 'laughter' is going to kill us all," said Agatha.
" 'Fun and games,' " Mara said quietly to herself, and fell into deep thought.
"Tell us the 'serious' matter, castle!" said Agatha, losing patience. "Out with it! Why are we here!!"
"AHHHHHH," said the castle as a kind of groan. "ONE MOMENT, MY LADY... ERRRRRGH... AHHHH. A LITTLE BETTER. A LITTLE. YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE JÄGERS, WERE YOU NOT?"
"The Jägers?" she said. "You mean from last night? What about them?"
"THEY THINK THE PRINCESS SMELLS 'NICE.' "
Mara and Agatha exchanged looks.
"JÄGERS DON'T THINK ANYONE SMELLS 'NICE' EXCEPT HETERODYNES."
"When were they saying that?" said Agatha.
"YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THEM SMELLING HER LAST NIGHT?" it said. "THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT HER SCENT AMONGST THEMSELVES."
"It wasn't my perfume?" offered Mara.
"HARDLY," said the castle. "JÄGERS LOATHE ARTIFICIAL FRAGRANCES. THEY SENSED YOUR TRUE AROMA, NOT YOUR 'EAU DE FLOWER JUICE.' MY LADY, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS."
"It's... another clue, yes," said Agatha, glancing at Mara. "So be it. But even so, this is not about that or a misunderstanding of my sarcasm. You're very protective of the legacy. I should've needed to state, explicitly, our intentions and then ordered you directly to bring her here. And knowing you, you'd probably have asked five times for confirmation. Three years ago you desperately wanted and needed a Heterodyne, and still refused to make it easy for me."
"THAT WAS THEN," it said. "THIS IS NOW. YOU CAME, YOU CONQUERED. AND THEN WHAT? LIKE MASTERS WILLIAM AND BARRY, YOU SEEK DEATH."
"I do not!"
"CALL IT 'ADVENTURE,' THEN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES MASTERS, AND THEN ABANDONED ME FOR FRIVOLOUS, DANGEROUS PURSUITS. THEY BECAME FODDER FOR MASS ENTERTAINMENT, AMUSEMENTS FOR THE IGNORATI. YOUR OWN EXPLOITS ARE ON THE SAME PATH-"
"Hey! For the record, I do not approve of those stupid radio shows! Trust me, I'm going to catch those guys. When I do-!."
"YOU SEEK OUT DANGER," it said. "YOU CANNOT HELP BUT PLACE YOURSELF IN MORTAL PERIL TIME AND AGAIN."
"Not on purpose, you idiot!"
"THE REASON IS IRRELEVANT. THE RESULT WILL BE THE SAME. THERE IS BUT ONE HETERODYNE NOW. AND IF YOU'RE GONE - THROUGH ABANDONMENT OR DEATH - THERE WILL ONLY BE... ME."
"I'm not going to abandon you, Castle," said Agatha.
"IT NEED NOT BE BY CHOICE, MY LADY," it said. "YOU HAVE BEEN MISTRESS THREE YEARS, AND ARE STILL, THUS FAR, THE ONLY HETERODYNE."
"Your point being?"
"YOU ARE SQUANDERING YOUR LEGACY! YOU SEEK THE RIDICULOUS NOTIONS OF 'ADVENTURE' AND 'DARING,' AND THINK NOTHING OF THE CONSEQUENCES TO ME, TO THE HETERODYNE NAME ITSELF, SHOULD YOU FAIL TO SURVIVE!"
"Wait a minute," said Agatha, pacing now. "Are you telling me that this is about my not having children? Are you kidding me? How dare you! When I have children - or don't- is not your business!!"
"HETERODYNE ITSELF IS MY BUSINESS!" it roared. "IT IS MY PURPOSE! IT IS WHY I EXIST AT ALL! TO HOUSE THEM, TO PROTECT THEM, TO ENSURE THEIR LEGACY! AND YOU LOOK IT IN THE EYE AND SPIT AND LAUGH, AND RUN OFF TO YOUR SELFISH PURSUITS! WILL I THEN FALL INTO DECAY AGAIN FOR DECADES, MY LADY? CENTURIES? WILL THERE BE HETERODYNES NEVERMORE? NO, FOR I WILL NOT BE ABANDONED AGAIN!"
"What does this have to do with Mara," said Agatha. It was a question, but not spoken as such.
"SHOULD THE PRINCESS BE CONFIRMED," it said, "THEN THE LEGACY IS SAFE. YOU'D BE FREE TO RISK YOUR LIFE AS MUCH AS YOU PLEASE. THERE WILL STILL BE HETERODYNES."
A long silence followed. Agatha had her back to Mara, and was as still as the lion-headed clank, which, in spite of their multiple escape efforts, had remained where it was. Waiting, silently.
"Castle," she said finally, "How in the world would that put you into a 'good mood?' Or is this why you've been so insubordinate of late?"
"I AM HARDLY 'INSUBORDINATE,' MY LADY," it said.
"You've been nothing but lately!" she said. "Every command given needs to be repeated multiple times, never mind this bizarre obsession with 'playing' and 'fun.' I told you earlier, scan your systems thoroughly and direct the minions where repairs are needed. Have you been doing this or not?"
"YES," it said. "HERE AND THERE."
"...And?" she said.
"IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER," it said. "I DON'T THINK I NEED ANY REPAIRS. I FEEL FINE. NOT FINE, GREAT! I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE. AND I'M PRESERVING THE HETERODYNE LINE! THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY!"
"Castle-!" said Agatha, but the rest of her words froze. She clenched her fist and grunted in frustration, then paced about.
"Agatha..." Mara said quietly. "What do you want me to do?"
"Do whatever you like!" she snapped. Mara flinched. A few seconds later Agatha calmed herself. "I'm sorry," she said. "That was uncalled for."
"For what it's worth," said Mara, "I don't agree with what the castle said. Those words were uncalled for. There's no reason for your life to be dictated by..." She set her jaw and set her gaze on the ceiling. "...A great, big clank!"
A deep rumbling came from the ceiling, spreading along the walls and then the floor. "Ohhh, stop that!" she said. "I know a childish tantrum when I see it! You owe your mistress an apology!"
Agatha scoffed. Mara ignored that. "Castle, she is your mistress, and your words and tone were most inappropriate! Apologize! Now!"
"The chances of that seem pretty slim at the mo-"
"MY APOLOGIES, MY LADY," said the castle with unexpected contriteness. "I SPOKE OUT OF TURN. I BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS."
"Huh," said Agatha, looking to Mara. "Apology accepted, castle. As for letting us go...?"
"AHHH," it said. "I WOULD... IF I COULD?"
Agatha sighed and rubbed her face.
"So..." said Mara, "What do you want me to do?"
"You have to take the test," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry, Mara. I failed you."
There was silence, and then Mara smiled and pulled Agatha slowly into an embrace. The two women held each other for half a minute, then traded kisses on the cheeks upon parting.
Mara sighed, but was still smiling. "I'd say something maudlin, like 'tell my family that I love them,' but they know that."
"Of course they do."
"But..." she continued, "I should say that I love you. As friend, and... God willing... as family. In case you didn't know."
Agatha smiled sadly and patted her shoulder.
"So, what do I do?"
"PLACE YOUR HAND INSIDE THE MOUTH," said the castle. For added measure, the head jerked forward just enough to startle her. She put her left hand near the mouth, and almost put it inside, but then drew back, and removed her wedding ring. She handed it to Agatha and resumed screwing her courage to its sticking place.
"Wow. How big is this thing, anyway?" said Agatha.
Mara almost had her hand inside, and hesitated. "What was that?"
"Ah, sorry," she said. "I was just wondering about.. uh..." She held up the ring, which was topped with a large ruby. "Never mind. I distracted you."
"That's all right," said Mara, and resumed summoning her courage. "Six carats." Agatha whistled. "A family heirloom. I have never asked for any large or fancy bauble to be created for me." Mara kept her left hand just outside of the clank's mouth. With her right, and without looking, she felt around for Agatha's hand and held it. "I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all," said Agatha. "Take your time."
Mara smiled briefly, closed her eyes, and put her arm into the mouth as far as it would go. She waited. After ten seconds: "Am I doing this right?"
"Looks like it to me," said Agatha.
Another ten seconds. "Do you think it's broken? Ngh!"
Blood was spilled. All they could do now was wait.
Here's Part 8.