Agatha H. and the Fair Dinkum Blue, Pt 7
Part six is here.
What: a fanfiction for Girl Genius, featuring my literary stand-in and stunt double Mara
Time: still tumbling pell-mell down the slope of The Pauper Princess and the Way of the Trilobite
The story so far!
--Sometimes, the smarter they are, the bigger the Idiot Ball
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Legal disclaimer stuff:
"This story is not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment."
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The Pauper Princess Fanfiction Theatre Presents:
Agatha H. and the Fair Dinkum Blue - Part 7!
General Gkika, fully mobile now and crankier than usual, stopped the Emperors in the corridor as they made their way to their personal, gas-powered fliers.
"Hoy!" she said, pushing a clawed hand against Tarvek's chest. "Vat iz dis? Hyu find de Mistress, but send dose clown suits und not os??" Mara leaned over from behind the two Emperors, catching her eye. "Hyu know vat hy mean, yas, Prinzess?"
"General, we don't have time for this," said Gil, pushing her finger away. "Load up your people on transports. We merely sent the fastest team out to intercept."
"Pfft!" said Gkika, but set about the task of gathering a team for the second wave of Agatha's rescue. Mara passed by her without a word or a glance. She accepted Gil's hand to help her onto his vehicle, and off they sped.
**
Franz and the Guardians spotted a figure from three kilometers away, a speck in the distant brush and desert. The figure was traveling parallel to the fleet and not toward it, so if it was Agatha, she was taking the scenic route back.
Occasional flashes of light followed by explosions of dirt suggested that she had fashioned an energy weapon, and had cause to use it. Franz poured on the speed and led a formation into a dive. They only needed an extra second to get close enough to confirm their target as Agatha. She was riding something large, dark brown, and many-legged, and was blasting wildly at smaller attackers. From a distance they had appeared to be a pack of dogs or perhaps wolves. Closer up, it was difficult to say if they were dogs or large cats, but some odd combination in appearance to both, striped along the back and sporting an enormous jaw span. Also, she was riding a specimen of the very same sort of spider that had been dragging New Europeans into the ground.
She had managed to find or make, to no one’s surprise , a death ray that made short work of the tigerlike dogs, when it met its target. The Guardians had no trouble targeting the beasts with their own cutting beams. Several of her attackers were sliced in two. Her Ladyship had, no doubt, been through a harrowing experience and was exhausted and disoriented, for she shot wildly into the air after the Guardians’ first shot. The beam hit one of them solidly, but did not disintegrate him or her. Just a bit of a jolt that was quickly corrected.
"MISTRESS!" roared Franz as he began his fiery strafing run on the tigerlike dogs. Those not immediately immolated were convinced to flee with all due haste. Some of the more aggressive Guardians made it a point of not allowing them to leave the area alive. A Guardian swooped in to gently lift Agatha from the spider, allowing the others to slice it up like a steamed lobster. If she was dismayed by the destruction of her tamed mount, she showed no sign of it.
The Guardian brought her back to the earth. Agatha grinned and nudged her hips against the tall, armored protector. "Well, thank you, kind sir," she said. The Guardian lifted up its faceplate; Agatha's smiled faded immediately. A woman. Hm. "Ah, sorry. Kind ma'am." The Guardian merely nodded.
Franz's landings were much improved since his first flight; he pulled up, hovered a few seconds, then slowly descended into a lovely two-point landing. He approached Agatha, then enguled her hand in his enormous claw and kissed it. Agatha giggled as the rest of the Guardians landed and surrounded her to keep watch for more threats.
Seamus snapped up his faceplate. "Your Ladyship Most High," he said, holding out his hand and adding a slight bow. "It's excellent to see you again. We're to escort you to the fleet. Do you require medical assistance?"
"No," she said, not taking his hand in kind. "What took you so long to find me?"
"I... I wouldn't know, Your Ladyship," he said. "We weren't given your location until moments ago. Shall we go, then?"
Heather pulled off her helmet and scowled. "Hey; did you mean to shoot me like that?" she snapped. "That was a death ray, wasn't it?"
"Airman, stand down," said the Captain firmly. She scowled at him as well, but then backed down and muttered an apology.
"Hold it," said Agatha, and stepped over to Heather. "You're not hurt?" Heather shook her head. Agatha touched the glasslike armor and peered at it with an expression that Heather knew well from observing her own mistress, the Princess. "And neither is this," Agatha muttered. She seemed to snap from her Madness, and took another look at her weapon. "I suppose this was running out of power, then." She pointed it at the base of a nearby hill and pulled the trigger. A high-pitched whine and energy discharge later, and the hill could better be described as a newly-minted valley. She took another look at her weapon. "Interesting..."
"Agatha!" a familiar voice called from the distance. She narrowed her eyes, then smiled. The true architects of her rescue had finally arrived: fellow Emperors Gil and Tarvek, riding on open air, gas-powered ships. They were joined by a group of Jäger and others. They coasted to a stop; Gil was the first to leap from his vessel, followed immediately by Tarvek and the rest.
When he reached her, he yanked her into a tight bear hug until Tarvek cleared his throat loudly. Gil reluctantly pulled away and let him have a turn. Agatha did not seem to mind the hugging contest. When they parted, she smiled, tossed her hair, then opened her mouth to speak... before being swept up by General Gkika.
"SVEETHOT!" she cried, arching her back and twirling Agatha in unadulterated joy before finally setting her back down. No sooner was she on the ground when Goomblast was there, looking, if not contrite, as close as his expression could be. He bowed.
"Mistress," he said, "Ve failed to keep hyu safe!" He held up his now mechanical hands. "Und hy paid de price!" Agatha gasped and seemed taken aback. The General gestured behind himself. "But de Prinzess giff me goot, strong new hends! Dey vill not fail hyu again!"
Agatha began looking behind the General, then felt Gil's hand on her shoulder.
"All right," he said. "Too much chit-chat now. We need to get back to base. It's not safe out here. Agatha? Are you hurt? Do you need medical attention?"
"Er," she said, giving herself a quick look. "Food and drink definitely, but I think I'm otherwise unharmed."
"What happened to the spider?" said Tarvek, looking at the gooey mess. "Who did that?"
"We destroyed it, your Majesty," said Seamus.
"Goot!" said Gkika.
"No, nooo," said Tarvek in exasperation. "You fools! We could have followed it back to its lair! You-!" He sighed in obvious frustration. "Agatha, do you recall its location? How far from here?"
"I gave it a pretty good going-over while there," she said. "The remains of past victims are there, but otherwise nothing that would help us fight the enemy. Well, unless you count this." She held up her death ray proudly. "It's not often that I get to work in a cave with a box of scraps. Quite invigorating!"
"All the same," said Tarvek, "We can't figure out how you got there. After you were taken, it was if the beast had completely vanished. Its tracks were covered, and then you're found kilometers from the battle site-!"
"Tarvek," she said, "I was unconscious when it took me. I don't know how I got there, either!" He seemed undeterred. She forced a smile and shifted her hips. "Dear, couldn't I have some food first? I've been through quite a harrowing experience, you know. I'll tell you what I can remember... after dessert."
"But-"
"She's right," said Gil. "Back to base, everyone! Except you three-" He pointed to The Boys. "Take Franz and see if you can find the lair, then report its location."
"Ah," said Agatha, holding up a finger, "Excuse me. They are my Jägers, you know." The others turned to look at her expectantly. After a long pause, she threw up her hands. "Fine. Good thinking, Gil. But don't be out late, Boys!"
As Franz and the Boys mounted up and flew off into the horizon, Agatha accepted Tarvek's hand to help her aboard his aircraft. She glanced around her rescue squad before they got under way: Zeetha and Mr. Higgs, the Jägergenerals, and others. Agatha learned the hard way to pay more attention when she was suddenly jerked backwards by the ship's sudden acceleration. She wrapped her arms around Tarvek's torso and held on tightly.
**
"How long was I away?" asked Agatha in between massive bites of food and gulps of her drink. The Heterodyne flagship hosted this particular reunion feast. Her fellow diners consisted of most of the rescue party. Only Gkika and the other Jäger kept up a good pace with their mistress, with Zeetha showing a respectable second.
"Almost two days," said Tarvek. "Ah, I recommend slowing down. You'll end up-"
She pointed at him with a half-eaten spare rib. "You hang upside-down, paralyzed and wrapped in webs in a spider's cave, and then eat daintily afterwards!"
"Hmpf," he grumbled. "Touché."
Gil stifled a grin and chewed on a sizeable chunk of meat himself. "No one doubted you'd find a way to escape. But as for-"
"Of course no one doubted her!" Zeetha broke in. She added a slap to Agatha's shoulder. "Zumil, I couldn't be more proud! Snatching yourself from eight-legged death and then taming the beast and making it your steed!"
"You forgot about being chased by ferocious predators," said Agatha.
"Yes," said Zeetha forlornly. "How I wish I'd been there."
Agatha smirked. "Just know that I showed it the folly of threatening a Heterodyne!"
"Hoy!" said the Jäger crowd, who then smashed their jugs together. The dining minions would have a lot to clean up after this meal.
"Here's to my plucky girl sidekick!" said Othar, raising his mug. And the room became... quiet. Othar either did not mind or did not notice. He shrugged, then clinked any mugs that happened to be held aloft before tossing back his pint.
"How..." said Gil, who stayed uncannily still while speaking. "Did... You..."
Agatha raised an eyebrow. "Othar... Tryggvassen?"
"Gentleman Adventurer!" he finished, slamming down his mug to bring the point home. "Today's escape from death wasn't bad, but you've got a long way to go! For one thing, you needed the help of others, and a True Hero knows that the only one he-or she-can depend on is himself. Uh, or herself-"
Tarvek closed his eyes, pinched his nose, and shook his head subtly to himself as Gil gestured silently to the Jägergenerals, then to Othar. Gkika nodded and rose from her seat, followed by the others. Othar had begun what he'd thought was a fascinating conversation with his girl sidekick, when the Jagergenerals locked elbows with his and pulled him from his seat.
"So," said Gkika, "Hyu vant heem dead, maimed, vounded, ...?"
"Just back to the brig," snapped Gil, brooding over his drink.
"We'll continue your lessons some other time!" he said while being dragged from the room. "Until then, I'll be in the Wulfenbach Rumpus Room until I'm needed again! Which is most of the time, ha ha ha ha!"
The room was quiet again after he left. Even Agatha had paused in gorging herself on food and drink. Gil took a deep breath.
"All right, as I was saying," he said, "Um... Yes, good thing we found you, because you were headed the wrong way and might not have made it back. You can thank Mara for locating you."
Agatha followed his gesture to Mara, whose cheeks were turning all sorts of shades of crimson. She grinned - in fact, she'd been grinning nonstop since Agatha had been rescued - and made a little shrug.
"It was a team effort," said Mara. "You know, a lot of brainstorming and all."
"I see," said Agatha. "Meaning, you did or didn't find me?"
"She's being modest," said Tarvek. "Yes, her work was instrumental in finding you."
Agatha eyed her curiously before finally smiled. "Well done, dear," she said. "How is it that you accomplished this?"
Mara prepared to deliver a mighty ode to technobabble, then thought better of it. "Would you mind if I showed you instead? After dessert, of course." More grinning, with giggles added now. "Sorry if I seem a bit flustered at the moment. I'm just so happy to see you alive and-and well! It's not that I ever-anyone lost hope, but you know, you were taken, and um..." Her words died away. She sighed. "Oh, sorry again! I must be more tired than I thought."
"You have been up all night," said Gil.
"Well, so have you," she said. "Everyone has. Agatha, I don't think anyone in the fleet slept until you were found!"
"If they knew what's good for them," said Gil. He crumpled up his napkin and tossed it onto the table. "Speaking of which, I'm going to check in on the Professor and our 'guests.' He swears that he's got his mind imager working now and that it won't fry their brains."
"Good luck to him on that," said Tarvek. "No one's managed deep probing yet without that side effect. And I'll check on Doctor Kratzenschnupp's sonic thumpers."
"Hold on," said Agatha, still packing away her plate of food, "You're going to get me up to speed, right? Have we found the enemy yet? Are we right at their gates? We're going to hit them fast and hard and end this quickly, yes?"
"That's always been an option," said Tarvek with the merest twitch of an eyebrow. "What I find puzzling is the lack of action on their part during your absence. If it was known, that would be the perfect time to press the advantage. So why didn't they?"
Agatha finally appeared to have had her fill of food and drink. Zeetha valiantly piled the leftovers onto her plate and chewed thoughtfully while Agatha threw down her napkin and stood, leaning on the edge of the table. Her voice had a timber recognizable to all.
"I say that we find this 'Queen Matilda,' smash into her palace or throne room or wherever she's cowering, drag her out in chains, and ask her!"
"That's my zumil!" said Zeetha, poking Higgs in the ribs. "Taught her everything she knows."
"Obviously," he replied.
"Agatha," said Gil," Why don't you get cleaned up, then meet us on the Sturmvoraus bridge? We'll debrief you."
Mara set down her drink and stood slowly. "I hope that no one here minds if I get in a little bit of sleep? Just a quick nap? Your Ladyship? Is that all right, or do you need me with you for your meeting?"
Agatha just stared at first. Mara found her expression inscrutable. Finally she gave permission to leave, and Mara made her tired goodbyes before stumbling through the corridors to her quarters.
"Agatha," said Zeetha, "Regale us with how you escaped, won't you?"
"I would love to," she said, standing, "But the regaling must wait." She gestured towards Gil and Tarvek, who nodded in affirmation. "I should rejoin them and get up to speed on current operations."
****
Two...ish days ago.
She opened her eyes with some difficulty, thanks to the lingering effects of archnidian, paralytic venom. The room was dim enough to force an adjustment to the low light. Her head was pounding. Her muscles felt tight enough to snap if she tensed them, but she dared to stretch her arms and legs to the best of-
Something was preventing this. Not the venom, but her arms and legs were held in place by something rough and stiff. She jiggled her arms. Cuffs? Tight cuffs attached to even tighter straps. Her legs were equally shackled.
"Wha... Wha..." she slurred, not bothering to confirm that anyone might be present to hear... or help.
"Waa waa?" a voice responded. Something... familiar... "A little early to start crying, dear." The voice came nearer. Whoever was speaking stood just behind her and out of her eyeline. She blinked her eyes and strained to look up and around, then realized that she was angled in such as way to see only the ceiling and the highest part of the wall. Thick, stone walls and ceiling. The edges of equipment. Somebody's lab? A rather shabby one, from what little she could see.
"Show yourself!" At least she managed to sound more authoritative. Just a little more time to prepare, and she could use her Voice. It did not always work, but it was worth a try.
"I'm just giving you time to adjust to your surroundings," the voice continued. A woman's voice. No, it couldn't-- If it was who she sounded like--! "Get your bearings and all that. But then, since you've never been here before-" Finally her 'hostess' stepped around the table to visually introduce herself.
Without a pause she struggled with all her might against the lab table's restraints.
"YOUUUUUUU!!" she roared. "I'LL KILL YOU!! KILL-!!"
A hand was clamped over her mouth. She did her best to scream muffled promises of death through the hand. Her tormentor grinned, then held up a most despised object: a golden choker with a trilobite insignia in its center.
"I know," the woman said. "'Revenge! Revenge!' Maybe. Maybe not. By the way, this thing took me hours to get off. You really didn't want this popping off unexpectedly, did you?" A chuckle. "Sorry. I meant that she didn't."
The woman removed her hand. "WITCH!" she screamed.
"That's Queen Witch to you," said the woman. A giggle this time. "We have so much to catch up on! Until then, let me, Queen Matilda the First, be the first again to welcome you to Australia! Auntie."
Lucrezia was too busy roaring in impotent rage to properly respond to Queen Matilda Zola Anya Talinka Venia Zeblinkya Malfeazium.
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Will our heroine escape the clutches of the table and her mother's terrible social skills?
Are all those names on the Queen's business card and towels?
Was this chapter's surprise flashback a surprise to anyone?
Find out the next time there's an update to the thankfully noncanonical adventures of Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!