On Beauty, Fat, and Feeling Good
In Spring or Summer 2011, or maybe even before that, I slid into a bit of a funk. Depression? Maybe. It got worse when my dad died that November. My good cooking, eating, and exercise habits all went out the window. I've gained weight. In fact, I'm back at about where I was when I lived in Japan and decided I needed to lose it. But I've actually been a similar weight as this for a pretty large part of my adult life.
All this time, I've been holding on to old clothes that no longer fit, and have buying cheap and sometimes ill-filling new clothes. I kept saying to myself, "I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes that I won't need for long, because I'm going to lose this weight again." But then I couldn't find the motivation to lose.
I think secretly what I was really saying to myself is, "You're a failure for getting fat again, and you don't deserve nice things."
I looked in the mirror and felt fat and ugly in my cheap, chintzy, clothes that pouched in the wrong places or were tight where they shouldn't be.
So. Enough with this.
A couple of months ago I read an essay in O magazine by a woman who suffered from debilitating depression, who was able to improve her outlook by dressing up and taking care of herself. I think reading this started to make something shift in me.
For a while I've been growing my hair out, and I've gotten bangs. Maybe a month ago I got my cut tidied up and dye redone in a color I really like, a dark brown, almost soft black.
I started wearing a bit of make-up to work again. I've never worn foundation regularly, but I found a light-weight base I like.
And then a couple of weeks ago I thought, "I like how I look in bright lipstick. Who's to say I can't wear it every day?" So now I do. Not when I'm around the house or just going to the grocery store or something, but most other times. (My current favorite is Tarte's matte lip stain in Lively but I also have a red red and a slightly less bold pink.)
I don't wear make-up because I think I'm hideous without it. I wear it because I feel prettier and more put together with it on. It highlights my favorite features. And it can be fun, which I'd never considered in all the years I barely wore it.
I'm starting to accept that I can look good and feel good about myself, even when I'm the size that I am. And starting accept that it's okay to feel pretty.
Today I finally started to deal with the clothing situation. I cranked up some good music, and tried on everything I hadn't worn recently. If it was way too small (no matter how much I liked it), or something I never liked in the first place, it's in a trash bag waiting to go to Goodwill. There are three full ones. Goodbye rough, acrylic Old Navy sweaters, and good riddance! Nice pants that I can't pull up over my hips anymore, I hope you find a new home with someone who loves you as much as I did.
I'm saving just a couple of items that are just a tad small but that I love, but they're not in the closet taunting me, they're packed away.
My beloved Engrish shirts are destined to become knitting project bags or other craft projects. I'm sure Pintrest won't let me down when I go looking for ideas.
I have enough left that I won't be going naked this summer. I do want to do some clothes shopping. But my new rule is that if I don't love it an feel fantastic in it, I'm not buying it. No more cheap shit. I'd rather pay more and have something I feel good in. (But if it's cheap and great, double bonus.)
All this time, I've been holding on to old clothes that no longer fit, and have buying cheap and sometimes ill-filling new clothes. I kept saying to myself, "I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes that I won't need for long, because I'm going to lose this weight again." But then I couldn't find the motivation to lose.
I think secretly what I was really saying to myself is, "You're a failure for getting fat again, and you don't deserve nice things."
I looked in the mirror and felt fat and ugly in my cheap, chintzy, clothes that pouched in the wrong places or were tight where they shouldn't be.
So. Enough with this.
A couple of months ago I read an essay in O magazine by a woman who suffered from debilitating depression, who was able to improve her outlook by dressing up and taking care of herself. I think reading this started to make something shift in me.
For a while I've been growing my hair out, and I've gotten bangs. Maybe a month ago I got my cut tidied up and dye redone in a color I really like, a dark brown, almost soft black.
I started wearing a bit of make-up to work again. I've never worn foundation regularly, but I found a light-weight base I like.
And then a couple of weeks ago I thought, "I like how I look in bright lipstick. Who's to say I can't wear it every day?" So now I do. Not when I'm around the house or just going to the grocery store or something, but most other times. (My current favorite is Tarte's matte lip stain in Lively but I also have a red red and a slightly less bold pink.)
I don't wear make-up because I think I'm hideous without it. I wear it because I feel prettier and more put together with it on. It highlights my favorite features. And it can be fun, which I'd never considered in all the years I barely wore it.
I'm starting to accept that I can look good and feel good about myself, even when I'm the size that I am. And starting accept that it's okay to feel pretty.
Today I finally started to deal with the clothing situation. I cranked up some good music, and tried on everything I hadn't worn recently. If it was way too small (no matter how much I liked it), or something I never liked in the first place, it's in a trash bag waiting to go to Goodwill. There are three full ones. Goodbye rough, acrylic Old Navy sweaters, and good riddance! Nice pants that I can't pull up over my hips anymore, I hope you find a new home with someone who loves you as much as I did.
I'm saving just a couple of items that are just a tad small but that I love, but they're not in the closet taunting me, they're packed away.
My beloved Engrish shirts are destined to become knitting project bags or other craft projects. I'm sure Pintrest won't let me down when I go looking for ideas.
I have enough left that I won't be going naked this summer. I do want to do some clothes shopping. But my new rule is that if I don't love it an feel fantastic in it, I'm not buying it. No more cheap shit. I'd rather pay more and have something I feel good in. (But if it's cheap and great, double bonus.)