(no subject)
Jesus Christ. I almost forgot I had a livejournal account. Looking at my entries it seems the last time I posted was early April. And it is very clear to me why that's the case.
So the month of April. Christ what a freakshow that was. For those of you who don't know, the month of April for seniors at my school is crunch time. Personally, the month saw me writing over 30 pages of term papers, taking 4 exams with multiple quizzes each week mixed in there and a huge project that basically had me acting as a marketing agent for a nonprofit organization and doing what is the equivalent of restructuring how they marketed themselves. Needless to say, a ton of work.
Well that explain April doesn't it?
Well I'm sure you're all aware that at this time I was dating a girl. We had just reached our first anniversary, which for me was a big deal, first relationship to do so and it was a pretty solid happy one that I thought would last a long time. Horrible wrong. At the end of March I had told her I'd be busy as hell and would struggle to make time for her. It seems going from seeing her everyday to once a week wasn't enough.
Around the end of April, beginning of May she tells me she isn't happy. That she feels as if she's gotten used to not seeing me and she doesn't like that feeling. She wants to go on a break. Long story short I talk to her and we agree to try and fix everything.
For a month I busted my ass trying to make things go back to how they were. To make her feel like I cared or whatever it was that bothered her. At the end of May she went on vacation and I figured I'd have a week alone to be a paranoid bastard. Which is pretty much how I spent the month of May anyway.
Well, she gets back early June and I'm excited but I can tell that for her, it's dead. I didn't want to believe it but things got worse and eventually I started to feel like every day was a lie to me. I never knew where she was or what she was doing. What broke the back was when she left my house after telling where she'd actually been the night before. I spent that day alone (timing just so happened that all my friends were unavailable). I came to the conclusion that I didn't like being lied to, even if it was to protect me. Am I that much of a child that people feel the need to hide their actions for fear of upsetting me? I didn't think so, apparently she did.
Well I shot her a text after she left my place around 6. Didn't get an answer till noon the next day. All she said was that she had left her phone in her car overnight. Personally, I can't believe that. Her phone is like another body part to her, it's always with her. We ended up breaking up then. Via text. I wasn't pleased.
Looking back, there are a number of things I did that were shady. I went through her phone a few times and I probably shouldn't have. But the things I saw there didn't exactly put me at ease. Yea, it was a dick thing to do, and I only did it once. I lied to her about it, but at this point, the relationship was already fucking dead.
Now? Well shit this ended a month ago. She told me she wanted to stay friends, and I suppose I could live with that, I just needed time to heal. I haven't heard from her since. Though to be fair, I did go ahead and delete all, or at least most, of my methods of contacting her. I'm sure she wasn't pleased when she saw that I deleted her from my facebook. Though I wonder if she even noticed. I deleted her screen names, those away messages were stabs in the chest sometimes. And most recently, I deleted her number.
None of this was out of spite. I just needed to get away from her to heal. I couldn't very well get over her if I was forced to see her status everytime I logged onto facebook. Especially when that status showed her to be happy and having a good time.
I don't know how she's feeling about this. Odds are she's fine, she had two months to come to terms with it ending while I struggled to fix it. But that wasn't something I could expose myself to. I couldn't handle seeing her being happy go lucky while I was in my room brooding over it. I didn't cry at all, which is strange since I cried while I talked to her and told her I was sorry I wasn't doing well enough.
Deleting her number was so I wouldn't be rash and make phonecalls I'd regret. I wonder if I'll ever see her again. It's unlikely since we met through work, and now neither of us work there. Outside of that we have almost no similar interests so it's very unlikely we'll see each other again anytime soon.
And to be honest, I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, i cared for this girl deeply. But something she said to me early on really strikes a chord now. We're at very different places in our lives. She's just starting college where I'm graduating. And as much as I know it bothered her, that simple 3 years difference makes a big difference. I remember being a freshman and doing stupid stupid things. Now, Christ I look bad and just hang my head in shame. She's doing those things now, and I obviously don't approve. I know I regretted most of what I did, I didn't want to see her doing it.
But I digress.
Maybe we'll meet again one day. Maybe not. I know one thing though, after what I went through with her, and the suspicions I have about what may or may not have happened while she was on vacation, I can't date her again.
I couldn't trust her to be honest with me about her nightly schedule. And if what I think happened is true, how could I trust her again? It hurts, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just hoped that the time we spent together made her a better person. I like to think that she's not going to go back to her old habits and diving back into a life of sex and drugs.
But from what I've seen on her facebook, she probably already has.
It just makes me feel like I failed her.
So the month of April. Christ what a freakshow that was. For those of you who don't know, the month of April for seniors at my school is crunch time. Personally, the month saw me writing over 30 pages of term papers, taking 4 exams with multiple quizzes each week mixed in there and a huge project that basically had me acting as a marketing agent for a nonprofit organization and doing what is the equivalent of restructuring how they marketed themselves. Needless to say, a ton of work.
Well that explain April doesn't it?
Well I'm sure you're all aware that at this time I was dating a girl. We had just reached our first anniversary, which for me was a big deal, first relationship to do so and it was a pretty solid happy one that I thought would last a long time. Horrible wrong. At the end of March I had told her I'd be busy as hell and would struggle to make time for her. It seems going from seeing her everyday to once a week wasn't enough.
Around the end of April, beginning of May she tells me she isn't happy. That she feels as if she's gotten used to not seeing me and she doesn't like that feeling. She wants to go on a break. Long story short I talk to her and we agree to try and fix everything.
For a month I busted my ass trying to make things go back to how they were. To make her feel like I cared or whatever it was that bothered her. At the end of May she went on vacation and I figured I'd have a week alone to be a paranoid bastard. Which is pretty much how I spent the month of May anyway.
Well, she gets back early June and I'm excited but I can tell that for her, it's dead. I didn't want to believe it but things got worse and eventually I started to feel like every day was a lie to me. I never knew where she was or what she was doing. What broke the back was when she left my house after telling where she'd actually been the night before. I spent that day alone (timing just so happened that all my friends were unavailable). I came to the conclusion that I didn't like being lied to, even if it was to protect me. Am I that much of a child that people feel the need to hide their actions for fear of upsetting me? I didn't think so, apparently she did.
Well I shot her a text after she left my place around 6. Didn't get an answer till noon the next day. All she said was that she had left her phone in her car overnight. Personally, I can't believe that. Her phone is like another body part to her, it's always with her. We ended up breaking up then. Via text. I wasn't pleased.
Looking back, there are a number of things I did that were shady. I went through her phone a few times and I probably shouldn't have. But the things I saw there didn't exactly put me at ease. Yea, it was a dick thing to do, and I only did it once. I lied to her about it, but at this point, the relationship was already fucking dead.
Now? Well shit this ended a month ago. She told me she wanted to stay friends, and I suppose I could live with that, I just needed time to heal. I haven't heard from her since. Though to be fair, I did go ahead and delete all, or at least most, of my methods of contacting her. I'm sure she wasn't pleased when she saw that I deleted her from my facebook. Though I wonder if she even noticed. I deleted her screen names, those away messages were stabs in the chest sometimes. And most recently, I deleted her number.
None of this was out of spite. I just needed to get away from her to heal. I couldn't very well get over her if I was forced to see her status everytime I logged onto facebook. Especially when that status showed her to be happy and having a good time.
I don't know how she's feeling about this. Odds are she's fine, she had two months to come to terms with it ending while I struggled to fix it. But that wasn't something I could expose myself to. I couldn't handle seeing her being happy go lucky while I was in my room brooding over it. I didn't cry at all, which is strange since I cried while I talked to her and told her I was sorry I wasn't doing well enough.
Deleting her number was so I wouldn't be rash and make phonecalls I'd regret. I wonder if I'll ever see her again. It's unlikely since we met through work, and now neither of us work there. Outside of that we have almost no similar interests so it's very unlikely we'll see each other again anytime soon.
And to be honest, I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, i cared for this girl deeply. But something she said to me early on really strikes a chord now. We're at very different places in our lives. She's just starting college where I'm graduating. And as much as I know it bothered her, that simple 3 years difference makes a big difference. I remember being a freshman and doing stupid stupid things. Now, Christ I look bad and just hang my head in shame. She's doing those things now, and I obviously don't approve. I know I regretted most of what I did, I didn't want to see her doing it.
But I digress.
Maybe we'll meet again one day. Maybe not. I know one thing though, after what I went through with her, and the suspicions I have about what may or may not have happened while she was on vacation, I can't date her again.
I couldn't trust her to be honest with me about her nightly schedule. And if what I think happened is true, how could I trust her again? It hurts, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just hoped that the time we spent together made her a better person. I like to think that she's not going to go back to her old habits and diving back into a life of sex and drugs.
But from what I've seen on her facebook, she probably already has.
It just makes me feel like I failed her.