Blah, just... Blah.
Before I get on to the whole life thing, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (albeit belated on both accounts) to everyone. Hope you had wonderful holidays, and hope your 2008 will be better than 2007!
And now, on to less interesting things...
Life's kinda kicking me in the face right now. And though I'm sure that part of that is related to the ridonkulous amount of drugs I've consumed over the last week, and the withdrawals my body's currently going through, a lot of it just has to do with life. Plain and simple.
January is not looking like it's going to be a good month. Having missed a week of work in order to go visit family last week is putting me behind on bills. So this month I'll be spending almost all of my money on catching back up, paying rent, paying the cell bill, paying the phone bill, paying the cable bill, paying the hydro bill. Being an adult fucking sucks sometimes.
Anyway, add to that the fact that work is going to be ridiculously busy this month, due to the big meeting taking place at the end of the month, and the fact that we'll be working our ASSES off to get everything ready for that, and then keeping in mind that we have another 6 meetings at the end of Feb and early March which we need to start thinking about... And finally adding the fact that I have a bunch of other, little office duties to do... Well, I'm barely going to have enough time to breathe while I'm here. Not fun.
Prior to holidays, I collected everything I needed to build myself a new computer and to have enough leftovers to build my mom a computer for the boys for XMas. Well, I managed to put everything together. Unfortunately, nothing works. I've tried setting up the old computer, you know, so I can at least have something to use till I figure it out, but it won't work anymore either. Basically, I went and I screwed myself, royally. So, now I don't even have one computer, when I should have two, and that's driving me quite insane.
Having minor health issues that I won't go into detail about, but this has been bothering me for quite some time. Doctors seem to have no fucking idea. I've tried a multitude of things, and it won't go away. The only thing I can be sure about is that it's not an STD, which, at least, is something. Every doctor I've spoken to has denied the possibility that this could be an STD, and I do believe I'll believe them.:)
I'm still not sure how I feel about friendships and stuff. I have my close friends, as I always do, but there are other people in my life, and sometimes I'm happy to have them there, sometimes very indifferent. Sometimes I have them there just cause it's easier than getting rid of them. I don't really know what I want from them, even from my closest friends. Sometimes I let people drift out of my life because I know that if I fight too much for them, they'll just push me out rather than let it drift. Sometimes I think I'm just too nice of a guy, and sometimes I hate that I can read people so damned clearly. Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, and sometimes I love where I'm going in life...
Anyway, I guess all that to say that I'm pretty confused about life right now, pretty confused about what I'm doing with myself and where I'm going. I'm afraid of everything exploding in my face, cause that usually happens when everything is going so spectacularly well... And really, things are going pretty well on a general scale...
I have three doors open to me to finally get a permanent govt. position... This would mean paid holidays, paid sick leave, personal days, benefits... the beginnings of my pension... and eventually paid-off debts, a bed that's not just a futon mattress on a pull-out couch mattress, furniture that wasn't just given to me second-hand... Stuff that works, stuff that I want, when I want it, rather than when I need it. Yeah, so that's exciting... But is it going to happen? I wish things didn't take so goddamned long in the government... I mean, many of these opportunities have been in the works for me for several months now, and I'm just starting to see the end of the tunnel. Is that light I see, or just a mirage?
And then, why can't I just find someone? I mean, I'm always the first to say that if you're looking for something, you're less likely to find it. And I generally live by that philosophy, but every now and again, I wonder if I could get the guys I wanted if I chased them more, or, you know, did stupid shit? Maybe if I was less opinionated, or more of an asshole, people would like me? I'm sick of making "friends". I don't need more friends, I need someone I can curl up with on the couch and know that he's not gonna fuck off when his boyfriend calls... Someone I can bring home to meet my family, someone I can love. Someone I can see myself being with for a while. Someone who's not a complete fucking loser, and who's interested in me for me. Someone who can deal with who I am, or at least be strong enough to get angry at me for who I am, and stick it out to see if maybe I can change? I have this ability inside me to change myself without having to think twice about it.
When I was with Jay and Angie I cleaned up my act pretty considerably. Granted that I did a lot of stupid shit in the end, but up until I knew that we were done, I did everything for them, everything to make us work, everything to make them happy. I'd like to have someone to make happy. I'd like someone to make me happy. It's frustrating to watch people around me date, and break up, and date, and break up, and date, and break up... It's frustrating to see how easy it is for the biggest losers I know to find people to love them unconditionally, when I can't even find someone to like me more than friends... It's frustrating to see others be as happy as I could be.
My whole life seems maleable, and yet, it's anything but. If anything, my life is starting to really put down its roots, and I'm getting myself very intertwined with the people who are currently closest to me. Heidi, Florian, and I will likely live together for quite a while. We're happy where we are, unless they're not telling me something, and we're comfortable. Brandon's not likely to be going anywhere anytime soon, though his mind changes by the minute, so who knows. And I'll always have my steady stream of acquaintances and other friends... People who come in and out of my life as times demand. People who know I'm a good person... Those "just friends" I was talking about... Those people, they'll always be there, and I'm grateful while being ungrateful.
But sometimes it'd be nice to have them just disappear, just go away. Just, not exist or something. Sometimes it'd be nice to just stop existing. I wish I could afford to take another week off, and spend it completely alone, just... By myself. No stimulation, no outside interruption, no nothing. Just me. Thinking. Being bored. Being by myself. Being who I want to be.... And crying if I want to cry, and... I dunno... just, something that's not what I am right now... Just, different.
Everyone around me sees me as this cheery, optimistic guy, who's got things figured out. And yeah, I guess I do have things figured out, and I am pretty self-assured... But there's always a little voice in my head telling me the opposite... Telling me I'm kidding myself if I think I'm good, if I think I like who I am, if I think I'm happy with where I'm going, if I think I'll do what I set out to do, if I think I'm sane, if I think I'm right. And I wish I could strangle that little voice quiet, or rip out its larynx so it couldn't talk to me anymore, or just throw it into someone else's head, to see how they deal with it.
And sometimes I wish I could just blindly go through life and ignore the things that hurt, and love the things that don't intensely. Sometimes I wish I could just not experience, not feel, not think, not analyze, not destroy everything with my mind. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damned jaded and scared of everything and everyone, of being hurt, of losing the people I care about, of driving them away myself because I couldn't stand for them to leave me of their own accord. Sometimes I wish I could just give up control, let the world go the way the world will go, and just come along for the ride.
Sometimes I wish I could just blind myself to the things going on around me, to the people who are hurting other people, to the pain that is being caused, to the shit that's going down, to the hatred so clearly wrote in people's eyes, to the disbelief, or the denseness in others... To the naivety that so dominates the gay world, to the sureness that also dominates it... Sometimes I wish I could just smack some people upside the head, or scream at them, or yell at them, or just tell them that they're stupid.
Sometimes, I wish I felt like I mattered... To anyone. And not just that "You matter to me" that everyone says when you're feeling down. The only people in my life who ever make me feel like they care about me are Brandon and Mercedes... And my family, but they have to. Brandon and Mercedes. Two people, who let me know when they haven't seen me in a while that they missed me, who let me know in the way that they hug me, and hold me hard and tight, like they'll never let go, that I matter, that they missed me, that they thought of me while I was gone... The only people who will call me up on a whim and just come over cause they want to be around me, or want to hang out, or just want a hug. Two people in my life. Two. Is that normal?
And now, on to less interesting things...
Life's kinda kicking me in the face right now. And though I'm sure that part of that is related to the ridonkulous amount of drugs I've consumed over the last week, and the withdrawals my body's currently going through, a lot of it just has to do with life. Plain and simple.
January is not looking like it's going to be a good month. Having missed a week of work in order to go visit family last week is putting me behind on bills. So this month I'll be spending almost all of my money on catching back up, paying rent, paying the cell bill, paying the phone bill, paying the cable bill, paying the hydro bill. Being an adult fucking sucks sometimes.
Anyway, add to that the fact that work is going to be ridiculously busy this month, due to the big meeting taking place at the end of the month, and the fact that we'll be working our ASSES off to get everything ready for that, and then keeping in mind that we have another 6 meetings at the end of Feb and early March which we need to start thinking about... And finally adding the fact that I have a bunch of other, little office duties to do... Well, I'm barely going to have enough time to breathe while I'm here. Not fun.
Prior to holidays, I collected everything I needed to build myself a new computer and to have enough leftovers to build my mom a computer for the boys for XMas. Well, I managed to put everything together. Unfortunately, nothing works. I've tried setting up the old computer, you know, so I can at least have something to use till I figure it out, but it won't work anymore either. Basically, I went and I screwed myself, royally. So, now I don't even have one computer, when I should have two, and that's driving me quite insane.
Having minor health issues that I won't go into detail about, but this has been bothering me for quite some time. Doctors seem to have no fucking idea. I've tried a multitude of things, and it won't go away. The only thing I can be sure about is that it's not an STD, which, at least, is something. Every doctor I've spoken to has denied the possibility that this could be an STD, and I do believe I'll believe them.:)
I'm still not sure how I feel about friendships and stuff. I have my close friends, as I always do, but there are other people in my life, and sometimes I'm happy to have them there, sometimes very indifferent. Sometimes I have them there just cause it's easier than getting rid of them. I don't really know what I want from them, even from my closest friends. Sometimes I let people drift out of my life because I know that if I fight too much for them, they'll just push me out rather than let it drift. Sometimes I think I'm just too nice of a guy, and sometimes I hate that I can read people so damned clearly. Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, and sometimes I love where I'm going in life...
Anyway, I guess all that to say that I'm pretty confused about life right now, pretty confused about what I'm doing with myself and where I'm going. I'm afraid of everything exploding in my face, cause that usually happens when everything is going so spectacularly well... And really, things are going pretty well on a general scale...
I have three doors open to me to finally get a permanent govt. position... This would mean paid holidays, paid sick leave, personal days, benefits... the beginnings of my pension... and eventually paid-off debts, a bed that's not just a futon mattress on a pull-out couch mattress, furniture that wasn't just given to me second-hand... Stuff that works, stuff that I want, when I want it, rather than when I need it. Yeah, so that's exciting... But is it going to happen? I wish things didn't take so goddamned long in the government... I mean, many of these opportunities have been in the works for me for several months now, and I'm just starting to see the end of the tunnel. Is that light I see, or just a mirage?
And then, why can't I just find someone? I mean, I'm always the first to say that if you're looking for something, you're less likely to find it. And I generally live by that philosophy, but every now and again, I wonder if I could get the guys I wanted if I chased them more, or, you know, did stupid shit? Maybe if I was less opinionated, or more of an asshole, people would like me? I'm sick of making "friends". I don't need more friends, I need someone I can curl up with on the couch and know that he's not gonna fuck off when his boyfriend calls... Someone I can bring home to meet my family, someone I can love. Someone I can see myself being with for a while. Someone who's not a complete fucking loser, and who's interested in me for me. Someone who can deal with who I am, or at least be strong enough to get angry at me for who I am, and stick it out to see if maybe I can change? I have this ability inside me to change myself without having to think twice about it.
When I was with Jay and Angie I cleaned up my act pretty considerably. Granted that I did a lot of stupid shit in the end, but up until I knew that we were done, I did everything for them, everything to make us work, everything to make them happy. I'd like to have someone to make happy. I'd like someone to make me happy. It's frustrating to watch people around me date, and break up, and date, and break up, and date, and break up... It's frustrating to see how easy it is for the biggest losers I know to find people to love them unconditionally, when I can't even find someone to like me more than friends... It's frustrating to see others be as happy as I could be.
My whole life seems maleable, and yet, it's anything but. If anything, my life is starting to really put down its roots, and I'm getting myself very intertwined with the people who are currently closest to me. Heidi, Florian, and I will likely live together for quite a while. We're happy where we are, unless they're not telling me something, and we're comfortable. Brandon's not likely to be going anywhere anytime soon, though his mind changes by the minute, so who knows. And I'll always have my steady stream of acquaintances and other friends... People who come in and out of my life as times demand. People who know I'm a good person... Those "just friends" I was talking about... Those people, they'll always be there, and I'm grateful while being ungrateful.
But sometimes it'd be nice to have them just disappear, just go away. Just, not exist or something. Sometimes it'd be nice to just stop existing. I wish I could afford to take another week off, and spend it completely alone, just... By myself. No stimulation, no outside interruption, no nothing. Just me. Thinking. Being bored. Being by myself. Being who I want to be.... And crying if I want to cry, and... I dunno... just, something that's not what I am right now... Just, different.
Everyone around me sees me as this cheery, optimistic guy, who's got things figured out. And yeah, I guess I do have things figured out, and I am pretty self-assured... But there's always a little voice in my head telling me the opposite... Telling me I'm kidding myself if I think I'm good, if I think I like who I am, if I think I'm happy with where I'm going, if I think I'll do what I set out to do, if I think I'm sane, if I think I'm right. And I wish I could strangle that little voice quiet, or rip out its larynx so it couldn't talk to me anymore, or just throw it into someone else's head, to see how they deal with it.
And sometimes I wish I could just blindly go through life and ignore the things that hurt, and love the things that don't intensely. Sometimes I wish I could just not experience, not feel, not think, not analyze, not destroy everything with my mind. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damned jaded and scared of everything and everyone, of being hurt, of losing the people I care about, of driving them away myself because I couldn't stand for them to leave me of their own accord. Sometimes I wish I could just give up control, let the world go the way the world will go, and just come along for the ride.
Sometimes I wish I could just blind myself to the things going on around me, to the people who are hurting other people, to the pain that is being caused, to the shit that's going down, to the hatred so clearly wrote in people's eyes, to the disbelief, or the denseness in others... To the naivety that so dominates the gay world, to the sureness that also dominates it... Sometimes I wish I could just smack some people upside the head, or scream at them, or yell at them, or just tell them that they're stupid.
Sometimes, I wish I felt like I mattered... To anyone. And not just that "You matter to me" that everyone says when you're feeling down. The only people in my life who ever make me feel like they care about me are Brandon and Mercedes... And my family, but they have to. Brandon and Mercedes. Two people, who let me know when they haven't seen me in a while that they missed me, who let me know in the way that they hug me, and hold me hard and tight, like they'll never let go, that I matter, that they missed me, that they thought of me while I was gone... The only people who will call me up on a whim and just come over cause they want to be around me, or want to hang out, or just want a hug. Two people in my life. Two. Is that normal?