Fanfic: Friends with benefits
Friends with benefits
By Marea67
About: Kevin, Scotty, Jason
Rate: G
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. written with love not for money.
Summary: AU - What if Kevin and Jason had not broken up and not even Kevin's sex-romp with Scotty had made a difference, because Jason forgives Kevin and decides to come back from Malaysia....?
*****
“Mhmm, I really like this.” Jason hums. Kevin nods quickly, a not-too-sincere smile on his face. Scotty had prepared the meal when he still lived with Kevin, before Jason came back from Malaysia. He had put it in the freezer, so all Kevin had to do was just warm it up. To Kevin it feels as if the fact that Scotty had made it, makes the meal more delicious.
“Kev, are you going to stab it death? This is the fourth time that you’ve picked that piece of fish, without actually eating it.” Jason points it out and Kevin smiles, though he can feel annoyance growing in his belly. Jason came back a few weeks ago and since his return, and Scotty’s leaving, Kevin feels like a fish out of water.
He feels criticized all the time. Deep inside he knows that Jason isn’t different than before. He always had a distinct opinion on how Kevin should be and what Kevin should do, but it hadn’t bothered Kevin before and now it does. Scotty had pointed out the same ‘mistakes’, but had never tried to change him.
“Jason, I’m sorry… I don’t want to be rude, but, would you mind terribly if I asked you to go back to your apartment tonight? Maybe I’m coming down with something, the flu or something, but I’m just not feeling right. I’m not hungry, I feel cold and all I really want to do is go to bed and just …. sleep.”
Jason seems concerned for a few seconds, but then nods.
“Sure, honey, if that’s the way you feel.” He gives Kevin a worried look, having to agree that Kevin looks a little pale and sad. He helps Kevin to put the dishes away and after a long, but not too romantic kiss they say goodbye.
Kevin leans against the door of his apartment, feeling that headache, that had started earlier this afternoon, grow. He switches off one light after the other, unaware that outside Jason looks up at Kevin’s apartment to see the lights disappear. Jason smiles sadly and gets in his car.
Kevin walks aimlessly from room to room, wishing that he knew what to do. He’s tired, but not sleepy. He’s hungry, but doesn’t want to eat. He’s thirsty, but the idea of drinking hurts his stomach. He feels like a caged animal. Eventually, he rubs his sweaty hands on his black jeans, grabs his car-keys and leaves his apartment.
He slams the door so hard that Mrs Berriman thinks that he and Jason are having a fight. So,she peeks through the spy-hole in her front-door to look at the hallway, and she sees Kevin storm off and she sighs. How she wished that Scotty would be back, she likes him so much more than that arrogant minister.
*****
“Time” is a weird thing. Kevin feels as if he’s been driving for hours, yet he knows it couldn’t have been more than half an hour. And he believed that his driving had been aimless, but he knows, deep inside, that he had known exactly where he was going. To that restaurant named San Estephe, the restaurant where Scotty works.
He parks his car and walks through the back-alley, just in time to see the door open and see someone about to leave.
“Hi.” He says, scaring the person who just left the restaurant-kitchen half to death.
“Kevin! Don’t creep up on someone like this in an alley like this.”
Scotty presses his hand against his chest to calm down his heart-beat.
“You scare me half to… I didn’t expect… What are you doing here?” Scotty stammers in an attempt to gather his thoughts.
“I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m here.”
Something about Kevin’s voice, the lowered shoulders, the pale face and the way he plays with his car-keys, make Scotty aware that Kevin needs him.
“Do you want to go get a drink?” He offers.
“Nah. I don’t even know if I brought my wallet… So…”
“I can pay for a drink.” Scotty answers. Maybe he should be offended, but he feels that Kevin isn’t trying to offend him.
“No.. I’m not in the mood.”
“A Walker who refuses to drink? You must be sick.” Scotty teases mildly.
A little smile curls around Kevin’s lips. It’s a genuine smile and Scotty replies with a same gentleness.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here…” Kevin apologizes and he walks away. They’re just out of the alley, before Scotty manages to catch up with him.
“Hey! You look like you could use a friend and you look like you’re coming down with something…”
“I’m just very tired.”
“Let me drive you home and we’ll get a drink there….”
Scotty had almost added the words ‘… and put you in bed’, but he manages to hold them back in time. It wasn’t like their one night of sex hadn’t caused enough issues. Kevin had confesses it to Jason, Jason had been upset, somehow the family had found out, everyone had had their opinion. Very frustrating.
He had been glad that Jason had forgiven Kevin and that Jason had understood that Kevin missed him and that he had decided to be back in time for the wedding, but it had been the premature end of Kevin and Scotty’s newly reborn friendship.
“Would that be acceptable for you?” Kevin asks.
Scotty is slightly amused by the almost Victorian way Kevin asks the question, it’s not like Scotty is a blushing virgin who needs to be careful about his reputation and protect his virtue.
“It is.” He answers and he holds out his hand. Kevin gives him the keys and Scotty takes place behind the wheel.
Kevin sits down on the passenger-seat. Barely is the car driving or Kevin lets his painful head rest against the window. He closes his eyes and almost immediately feels asleep. Scotty watches him sleep and decides to take another, longer way to drive back to Kevin’s apartment. A little sleep might do him good.
*****
Jason closes his bible. His concern over Kevin is growing. There had been a few rocky weeks after Kevin admitted to his one night affair with Scotty to Jason and though Jason had ended up forgiving him, it had taken Jason quite some soul-searching on his part. And he still wonders if he had truly forgiven Kevin.
He could understand Kevin and how he had felt lonely. He could understand getting drunk and losing control. He was glad that Kevin had been honest enough to confess to the truth, but…. See, there’s a ‘but…’ when there shouldn’t be one. He should have forgiven Kevi. Period. Not a comma and a ‘but…’.
The thing is that Jason can’t shake the feeling that Kevin isn’t really with him. Their first meeting had been awkward, but filled the desire to fix things between them. They had to reassess their feelings and it seems like everything is fine, but there are cracks under the veneer and they are starting to show.
It had seemed to Jason as if both Kevin and he had to work too hard to get someplace. It all had seemed so much easier before he went to Malaysia… Before he had forgotten that Kevin had commitment issues and that he should have tried harder to keep in touch with Kevin…. Before Scotty had come back…..
Jason puts his bible on the nightstand next to his bed. He puts on his coat and searches his keys. If Kevin is really sick then he might want Jason to be there for him…. And perhaps that had been just the thing missing. Maybe Jason just hadn't tried hard enough to get Kevin back.
*****
“Hey, sleepyhead, wake up. We’re at your place.” Scotty gently wakes Kevin. The moment Kevin opens his eyes, he notices that his headache is gone. Maybe he had been working too much lately.
“Thanks. I’m feeling a bit better already.”
“I took a detour, if you don’t mind. You were in such a deep sleep, I thought I’d let you sleep a little longer.”
“Thanks, I feel a bit better too. … Do you want to come up for a drink? Or would you rather have me take you home?”
“What about Jason?”
“He’s not there.”
“I don’t want to cause trouble.”
“You won’t.” Kevin ensures him.
*****
Jason walks through Kevin’s living-room without turning the lights on. He knows his way around and he also knows that Kevin usually sleeps with the curtains open so that the light of the street enters his bedroom. But when Jason enters the bedroom and turns on the light, the bed is tightly made up and there’s no sign of Kevin.
Jason twirls the keys in his hands and worries. Would Kevin have gone to Nora? Had he felt that sick? Had perhaps Sarah or Tommy picked him up? A thousand and one thoughts tumble through his head. He thinks about calling, but remembers that he left his phone at home. Nothing else to do, but go to Nora and find out what is going on.
He turns off the light and at the same time he hears Kevin’s voice, the key being turned in the lock, the door opening. Foolishly, rather than making his presence knows, Jason steps back into the bedroom, while the door is still open. He hears a second, male voice. An unknown voice….
“Here we are.” Kevin says.
“Just as I remember.” Scotty smiles.
“Do you want me to make you some tea, or would you prefer something stronger…?”
“Since the champagne and lobster debacle, I’d rather not drink alcohol around you.” They both laugh awkwardly at the little pun and it starts to dawn on Jason that the other man must be Scotty. He frowns. Kevin had promised him….
“Are you sure that you won’t get in trouble with Jason because I’m here?” Scotty asks again. Kevin shrugs.
Jason had asked of Kevin to not see Scotty again and, with pain in his heart, Kevin had agreed.
“I’m entitled to have friends. He has ex-boyfriends-turned-friends as well.” Kevin says.
“He didn’t sleep with them recently.” Scotty points out.
“Not that I know of.”
“Do you think he would?” Scotty asks and Jason holds his breath. He may not have been the easiest to get in touch with while in Malaysia, but he had never cheated on Kevin either. Through the open door he can see Kevin’s shoulders sink.
“No. I don’t believe that.” Kevin sighs. “And, no, I’m not sure that Jason would appreciate it, if he'd find out that you were here tonight, but… I want you here… You’re the only friend I have right now…”
“Is there a problem?” Scotty asks.
“No… Yes… I don’t know.” Kevin answers. He gives Scotty some of the lemonade that he usually keeps for Justin.
“That is a clear answer.” Scotty says, managing to keep the hint of amusement out of his voice, because he can see that Kevin is struggling with his feelings.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me… Jason is back. He forgave me. Everything is fine. Family is fine. Work is fine….”
“But…?”
“I’m unhappy, ill at ease, restless… I ….”
Kevin stops and his eyes meet Scotty’s eyes.
“I miss you.” He blurts out and the pain in his eyes is so intense that it nearly takes Scotty’s breath away.
“Kev….” Scotty starts to object.
“Just hear me out… When I asked you to leave, because that is what Jason wanted, I thought it would be easier, but,… ‘difficult’ is sometimes good, you know. It forces you to do things you didn’t think you could.... Scotty, when I first met you, I thought that we two…”
“Kevin, if you’re about to romanticize what we had, just…”
“I’m not, that’s the whole point. What we had, it was it was messy. We were hot and cold, back and forth, all over the place, but…. I want to be back there with you, because I want to honest about who I am…”
“Kevin…” Scotty looks up at Kevin, not sure what to say.
“Look, I know, I’m asking way too much of you, but…. Is there any way that we go back to what we used to have?”
“I.. I…. I don’t know…. I’ve closed that door, thinking you wanted to move on with Jason….”
“I did. I do. I could…. I like him.. A lot… He’s a decent guy…. We could make each other happy….” Kevin says. In the bedroom Jason’s mouth drops open. Scotty looks away from Kevin at first, unable to handle the hope in Kevin’s eyes.
“But if I were to tell you that I’m interested, you’d give him up?” Scotty then asks. Jason nods. Good question!
“Yes, I would.” Kevin answers and Jason’s gasp gets lost in Scotty’s.
“What about Jason?” Scotty now asks. Kevin blinks. “What if I turn you down. Are you sure that moving on with Jason, even though he’s second choice, would be the right thing to do? … He'd be nothing more but friend with benefits?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” Kevin admits.
“Listen, things were rocky between you and Jason for a while after we had sex that night. Are you sure that you’re not just searching for the easy way out? Things were easy when I was around, but more difficult now Jason is back….?”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I need to be me. You were right when you said that I didn’t love myself enough to be me. When I met Jason I thought I could be. I was finally going to do it right. I was going to be faithful. I was going to wait.
We would work on it together and Jason and I would weather any storm and come out of it stronger than before and … all that other romantic bullshit that romantic movies want you to believe in. I don’t know….. I was going to get it right this time… And it was hard….” Kevin’s voice begin to tremble.
“… because I wanted to get it right, but … Jason didn’t seem to care…. And I was struggling to keep it going, to believe in what we had….” Jason can hear that Kevin is crying and he sees how Scotty wants to get up and go to Kevin, but Kevin shakes his head and Scotty stays where he is.
“… I would not have slept with you that night, if I hadn’t been drunk…” Kevin says. Scotty raises an eyebrow.
“Thanks? I think?” Scotty wonders if he should be, yes or no, insulted by Kevin’s words. And the meaning of what he had just said also hits Kevin.
“I mean, I’m sorry, of course I would have slept with you even if I had been sober…” No, that was wrong too. “I mean, …. I … I would have….” He flaps his hand about trying to explain what he could have, should have done and Scotty can’t help but laugh, because Kevin is so Kevin at that moment. But he turns all serious when he sees Kevin entire attitude change and how serious Kevin himself becomes.
“That’s just it…. I know I shouldn’t have considered sleeping with you, but… I would have, drunk or sober…. I wanted you back from the moment you walked back into my office…. And that night that we slept together was just, to me, the proof that you were more important to me than anyone else…. The truth is: I didn’t sleep with you because I got drunk and lost control.
I slept with you, because being drunk made me make the choice that, I knew, deep in my heart, was the right one. I slept with you because that is what I really wanted to do… Because…..” Kevin takes a deep breath. “… Because I’m in love with you.” His voice is loud and clear.
In the bedroom Jason covers his mouth with his hand to not make a sound. Apparently Scotty is equally shocked , because he stares at Kevin as if Kevin is a creature from another planet. The silence between them is heavy with hope and expectations. Eventually Scotty manages to get his senses back.
“I… I’m still in love with you as well.” Scotty answers. Jason can hear Kevin breathe out loudly as if he’s been holding his breath all along.
“Scotty…” Kevin moans and he moves closer to Scotty, most likely with the intention to kiss him, but Scotty gently stops him.
“No. Not like this… You’re going to have to break up with Jason first… I’m not going to be the one you have sex with behind Jason’s back…”
“Fair enough.” Kevin nods. He lets his forehead rest against Scotty’s shoulder. “I’m going to hate breaking up with Jason….”
“I can imagine that it must be hard for you.”
“I really love him… Not like you… just … you know. He’s a great guy and he doesn’t deserve it to be treated like he’s second best choice… Not by anyone, least of all me…. I’m going over to his place, first thing in the morning…. I promise.”
“Good. I need to get my head cleared as well. Would you mind taking me back to my place? It’s about 15 minutes away from here?”
“I’ll get the keys…” Kevin opens the door for Scotty and he takes his keys. He turns off the lights in the living-room and Jason is all alone in the dark in the bedroom.
He watches the clock in the bedroom move minute after minute. And when finally five minutes have past, he quietly gets up and he leaves Kevin apartment. He gets in his car and drives straight back to his own place, where he undresses and goes to bed without reading a word from his bible. Contrary to what he believed would happen, he falls asleep straightaway.
*****
“We need to talk.” Kevin says after Jason had given him some coffee. Jason seems tensed.
“I agree.” Jason nods. “Can I go first or do you want to?” Kevin is surprised by the question, but motions Jason to go first. Jason clears his throat and swallows hard, before he starts.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, since you told me about you and your ex…. Since I came back, I feel like I have to try real hard to make our relationship work. Something has changed and ... I’m not entirely sure we can fix it. I believe that you care for me, that you want this to work, but….
I don’t believe you’re in love with me… And I’m not entirely sure if I’m in love with you… Don’t get me wrong. I care for you. I would never want to see you get hurt. I want to protect you, and I believe you’d want to do the same for me and that you don’t want to hurt me either.
We’re there for each other, we talk, we laugh, we have a drink, we enjoy each other’s company and we share each other’s beds, but it doesn’t feel like I’m in a love-relationship with you. I … I don’t think we love each other on a romantic level… And if we don’t have that, then we’re nothing more than... friends with benefits.
We would only be two people who care for each other, occasionally have sex, but who have no real commitment towards each other.”
“Are we breaking up?” Kevin asks flabbergasted.
“I think that would be for the best.” Jason nods.
*****
“What happened? Why did I have to get here immediately?” Scotty asks as soon as Kevin lets him in.
“It’s Jason. I swear, he never ceases to be amaze me.”
“What did he do? Did he take it badly? …. Or… Don’t tell me he just proposed to you…”
“No. Neither.” Kevin laughs… “He broke up with me.”
“What?!”
“Yes. Turns out that he was second-guessing what we had as well.”
“Wow….” Scotty says softly.
“I know! …. Can I now kiss you? Please?” Kevin begs, showing his best puppy dog pout. Scotty smiles and spreads his arms. Their kiss immediately filled with the passion that they’d been holding back for quite a while. And the moment that Scotty’s hands move down his back, pressing him closer to Scotty’s body, Kevin knows that he’s where he belongs.
*****
In the small chapel, Jason lights a candle and he prays to God that He will keep Kevin safe. And after a moment’s pause he adds Scotty to his prayer.
He had woken up that morning with the feeling that he finally knew what to do. He had known that breaking up with Kevin would be the right choice to make. His own inaction in Malaysia had already been a good indicator that maybe he was not as involved with Kevin as he should have been.
He had found it easy to forgive Kevin, because it affected him far less than he thought it would. He, too, should have realized that he had gotten over Kevin’s infidelity way too easily. It had been the 'but' that had been nagging at him all along.
He loved Kevin. He cared for Kevin, but ultimately he too had to accept that it would never have been the ‘everlasting love’ he was looking for. This was not Kevin’s fault. Or his own. What he truly wanted, a commitment, just wasn’t there, on neither side. But he had known also that Kevin would blame himself for the failure and that wasn’t fair either.
So, he had known that he should be the one to take the decision away from Kevin. And he’s grateful that Kevin hadn’t brought up that he wanted to move on with Scotty, because Jason has his own pride after all, and he’s not sure that he had been ready to hear it from Kevin himself at that particular moment.
But Jason would have had to be blind to not see the happiness in Kevin’s eyes, that Jason had taken a tough choice away from him. He had seen how Kevin's mind could immediately see the possibilities that arose and how he was already, in his mind, back with Scotty, back with the man he really loved.
It had been painful on one side. But on the other, he hopes that one day he’d be able to have that same love-filled smile that Kevin had on his face, when he realized that he was free to be with the man he loved.
Jason sighs and goes back to his room. He turns on his computer. Until he finds the man of his dreams, all he can do is just watch a movie with his favorite actor, Chad Barry.
THE END.
By Marea67
About: Kevin, Scotty, Jason
Rate: G
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. written with love not for money.
Summary: AU - What if Kevin and Jason had not broken up and not even Kevin's sex-romp with Scotty had made a difference, because Jason forgives Kevin and decides to come back from Malaysia....?
*****
“Mhmm, I really like this.” Jason hums. Kevin nods quickly, a not-too-sincere smile on his face. Scotty had prepared the meal when he still lived with Kevin, before Jason came back from Malaysia. He had put it in the freezer, so all Kevin had to do was just warm it up. To Kevin it feels as if the fact that Scotty had made it, makes the meal more delicious.
“Kev, are you going to stab it death? This is the fourth time that you’ve picked that piece of fish, without actually eating it.” Jason points it out and Kevin smiles, though he can feel annoyance growing in his belly. Jason came back a few weeks ago and since his return, and Scotty’s leaving, Kevin feels like a fish out of water.
He feels criticized all the time. Deep inside he knows that Jason isn’t different than before. He always had a distinct opinion on how Kevin should be and what Kevin should do, but it hadn’t bothered Kevin before and now it does. Scotty had pointed out the same ‘mistakes’, but had never tried to change him.
“Jason, I’m sorry… I don’t want to be rude, but, would you mind terribly if I asked you to go back to your apartment tonight? Maybe I’m coming down with something, the flu or something, but I’m just not feeling right. I’m not hungry, I feel cold and all I really want to do is go to bed and just …. sleep.”
Jason seems concerned for a few seconds, but then nods.
“Sure, honey, if that’s the way you feel.” He gives Kevin a worried look, having to agree that Kevin looks a little pale and sad. He helps Kevin to put the dishes away and after a long, but not too romantic kiss they say goodbye.
Kevin leans against the door of his apartment, feeling that headache, that had started earlier this afternoon, grow. He switches off one light after the other, unaware that outside Jason looks up at Kevin’s apartment to see the lights disappear. Jason smiles sadly and gets in his car.
Kevin walks aimlessly from room to room, wishing that he knew what to do. He’s tired, but not sleepy. He’s hungry, but doesn’t want to eat. He’s thirsty, but the idea of drinking hurts his stomach. He feels like a caged animal. Eventually, he rubs his sweaty hands on his black jeans, grabs his car-keys and leaves his apartment.
He slams the door so hard that Mrs Berriman thinks that he and Jason are having a fight. So,she peeks through the spy-hole in her front-door to look at the hallway, and she sees Kevin storm off and she sighs. How she wished that Scotty would be back, she likes him so much more than that arrogant minister.
*****
“Time” is a weird thing. Kevin feels as if he’s been driving for hours, yet he knows it couldn’t have been more than half an hour. And he believed that his driving had been aimless, but he knows, deep inside, that he had known exactly where he was going. To that restaurant named San Estephe, the restaurant where Scotty works.
He parks his car and walks through the back-alley, just in time to see the door open and see someone about to leave.
“Hi.” He says, scaring the person who just left the restaurant-kitchen half to death.
“Kevin! Don’t creep up on someone like this in an alley like this.”
Scotty presses his hand against his chest to calm down his heart-beat.
“You scare me half to… I didn’t expect… What are you doing here?” Scotty stammers in an attempt to gather his thoughts.
“I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m here.”
Something about Kevin’s voice, the lowered shoulders, the pale face and the way he plays with his car-keys, make Scotty aware that Kevin needs him.
“Do you want to go get a drink?” He offers.
“Nah. I don’t even know if I brought my wallet… So…”
“I can pay for a drink.” Scotty answers. Maybe he should be offended, but he feels that Kevin isn’t trying to offend him.
“No.. I’m not in the mood.”
“A Walker who refuses to drink? You must be sick.” Scotty teases mildly.
A little smile curls around Kevin’s lips. It’s a genuine smile and Scotty replies with a same gentleness.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here…” Kevin apologizes and he walks away. They’re just out of the alley, before Scotty manages to catch up with him.
“Hey! You look like you could use a friend and you look like you’re coming down with something…”
“I’m just very tired.”
“Let me drive you home and we’ll get a drink there….”
Scotty had almost added the words ‘… and put you in bed’, but he manages to hold them back in time. It wasn’t like their one night of sex hadn’t caused enough issues. Kevin had confesses it to Jason, Jason had been upset, somehow the family had found out, everyone had had their opinion. Very frustrating.
He had been glad that Jason had forgiven Kevin and that Jason had understood that Kevin missed him and that he had decided to be back in time for the wedding, but it had been the premature end of Kevin and Scotty’s newly reborn friendship.
“Would that be acceptable for you?” Kevin asks.
Scotty is slightly amused by the almost Victorian way Kevin asks the question, it’s not like Scotty is a blushing virgin who needs to be careful about his reputation and protect his virtue.
“It is.” He answers and he holds out his hand. Kevin gives him the keys and Scotty takes place behind the wheel.
Kevin sits down on the passenger-seat. Barely is the car driving or Kevin lets his painful head rest against the window. He closes his eyes and almost immediately feels asleep. Scotty watches him sleep and decides to take another, longer way to drive back to Kevin’s apartment. A little sleep might do him good.
*****
Jason closes his bible. His concern over Kevin is growing. There had been a few rocky weeks after Kevin admitted to his one night affair with Scotty to Jason and though Jason had ended up forgiving him, it had taken Jason quite some soul-searching on his part. And he still wonders if he had truly forgiven Kevin.
He could understand Kevin and how he had felt lonely. He could understand getting drunk and losing control. He was glad that Kevin had been honest enough to confess to the truth, but…. See, there’s a ‘but…’ when there shouldn’t be one. He should have forgiven Kevi. Period. Not a comma and a ‘but…’.
The thing is that Jason can’t shake the feeling that Kevin isn’t really with him. Their first meeting had been awkward, but filled the desire to fix things between them. They had to reassess their feelings and it seems like everything is fine, but there are cracks under the veneer and they are starting to show.
It had seemed to Jason as if both Kevin and he had to work too hard to get someplace. It all had seemed so much easier before he went to Malaysia… Before he had forgotten that Kevin had commitment issues and that he should have tried harder to keep in touch with Kevin…. Before Scotty had come back…..
Jason puts his bible on the nightstand next to his bed. He puts on his coat and searches his keys. If Kevin is really sick then he might want Jason to be there for him…. And perhaps that had been just the thing missing. Maybe Jason just hadn't tried hard enough to get Kevin back.
*****
“Hey, sleepyhead, wake up. We’re at your place.” Scotty gently wakes Kevin. The moment Kevin opens his eyes, he notices that his headache is gone. Maybe he had been working too much lately.
“Thanks. I’m feeling a bit better already.”
“I took a detour, if you don’t mind. You were in such a deep sleep, I thought I’d let you sleep a little longer.”
“Thanks, I feel a bit better too. … Do you want to come up for a drink? Or would you rather have me take you home?”
“What about Jason?”
“He’s not there.”
“I don’t want to cause trouble.”
“You won’t.” Kevin ensures him.
*****
Jason walks through Kevin’s living-room without turning the lights on. He knows his way around and he also knows that Kevin usually sleeps with the curtains open so that the light of the street enters his bedroom. But when Jason enters the bedroom and turns on the light, the bed is tightly made up and there’s no sign of Kevin.
Jason twirls the keys in his hands and worries. Would Kevin have gone to Nora? Had he felt that sick? Had perhaps Sarah or Tommy picked him up? A thousand and one thoughts tumble through his head. He thinks about calling, but remembers that he left his phone at home. Nothing else to do, but go to Nora and find out what is going on.
He turns off the light and at the same time he hears Kevin’s voice, the key being turned in the lock, the door opening. Foolishly, rather than making his presence knows, Jason steps back into the bedroom, while the door is still open. He hears a second, male voice. An unknown voice….
“Here we are.” Kevin says.
“Just as I remember.” Scotty smiles.
“Do you want me to make you some tea, or would you prefer something stronger…?”
“Since the champagne and lobster debacle, I’d rather not drink alcohol around you.” They both laugh awkwardly at the little pun and it starts to dawn on Jason that the other man must be Scotty. He frowns. Kevin had promised him….
“Are you sure that you won’t get in trouble with Jason because I’m here?” Scotty asks again. Kevin shrugs.
Jason had asked of Kevin to not see Scotty again and, with pain in his heart, Kevin had agreed.
“I’m entitled to have friends. He has ex-boyfriends-turned-friends as well.” Kevin says.
“He didn’t sleep with them recently.” Scotty points out.
“Not that I know of.”
“Do you think he would?” Scotty asks and Jason holds his breath. He may not have been the easiest to get in touch with while in Malaysia, but he had never cheated on Kevin either. Through the open door he can see Kevin’s shoulders sink.
“No. I don’t believe that.” Kevin sighs. “And, no, I’m not sure that Jason would appreciate it, if he'd find out that you were here tonight, but… I want you here… You’re the only friend I have right now…”
“Is there a problem?” Scotty asks.
“No… Yes… I don’t know.” Kevin answers. He gives Scotty some of the lemonade that he usually keeps for Justin.
“That is a clear answer.” Scotty says, managing to keep the hint of amusement out of his voice, because he can see that Kevin is struggling with his feelings.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me… Jason is back. He forgave me. Everything is fine. Family is fine. Work is fine….”
“But…?”
“I’m unhappy, ill at ease, restless… I ….”
Kevin stops and his eyes meet Scotty’s eyes.
“I miss you.” He blurts out and the pain in his eyes is so intense that it nearly takes Scotty’s breath away.
“Kev….” Scotty starts to object.
“Just hear me out… When I asked you to leave, because that is what Jason wanted, I thought it would be easier, but,… ‘difficult’ is sometimes good, you know. It forces you to do things you didn’t think you could.... Scotty, when I first met you, I thought that we two…”
“Kevin, if you’re about to romanticize what we had, just…”
“I’m not, that’s the whole point. What we had, it was it was messy. We were hot and cold, back and forth, all over the place, but…. I want to be back there with you, because I want to honest about who I am…”
“Kevin…” Scotty looks up at Kevin, not sure what to say.
“Look, I know, I’m asking way too much of you, but…. Is there any way that we go back to what we used to have?”
“I.. I…. I don’t know…. I’ve closed that door, thinking you wanted to move on with Jason….”
“I did. I do. I could…. I like him.. A lot… He’s a decent guy…. We could make each other happy….” Kevin says. In the bedroom Jason’s mouth drops open. Scotty looks away from Kevin at first, unable to handle the hope in Kevin’s eyes.
“But if I were to tell you that I’m interested, you’d give him up?” Scotty then asks. Jason nods. Good question!
“Yes, I would.” Kevin answers and Jason’s gasp gets lost in Scotty’s.
“What about Jason?” Scotty now asks. Kevin blinks. “What if I turn you down. Are you sure that moving on with Jason, even though he’s second choice, would be the right thing to do? … He'd be nothing more but friend with benefits?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” Kevin admits.
“Listen, things were rocky between you and Jason for a while after we had sex that night. Are you sure that you’re not just searching for the easy way out? Things were easy when I was around, but more difficult now Jason is back….?”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I need to be me. You were right when you said that I didn’t love myself enough to be me. When I met Jason I thought I could be. I was finally going to do it right. I was going to be faithful. I was going to wait.
We would work on it together and Jason and I would weather any storm and come out of it stronger than before and … all that other romantic bullshit that romantic movies want you to believe in. I don’t know….. I was going to get it right this time… And it was hard….” Kevin’s voice begin to tremble.
“… because I wanted to get it right, but … Jason didn’t seem to care…. And I was struggling to keep it going, to believe in what we had….” Jason can hear that Kevin is crying and he sees how Scotty wants to get up and go to Kevin, but Kevin shakes his head and Scotty stays where he is.
“… I would not have slept with you that night, if I hadn’t been drunk…” Kevin says. Scotty raises an eyebrow.
“Thanks? I think?” Scotty wonders if he should be, yes or no, insulted by Kevin’s words. And the meaning of what he had just said also hits Kevin.
“I mean, I’m sorry, of course I would have slept with you even if I had been sober…” No, that was wrong too. “I mean, …. I … I would have….” He flaps his hand about trying to explain what he could have, should have done and Scotty can’t help but laugh, because Kevin is so Kevin at that moment. But he turns all serious when he sees Kevin entire attitude change and how serious Kevin himself becomes.
“That’s just it…. I know I shouldn’t have considered sleeping with you, but… I would have, drunk or sober…. I wanted you back from the moment you walked back into my office…. And that night that we slept together was just, to me, the proof that you were more important to me than anyone else…. The truth is: I didn’t sleep with you because I got drunk and lost control.
I slept with you, because being drunk made me make the choice that, I knew, deep in my heart, was the right one. I slept with you because that is what I really wanted to do… Because…..” Kevin takes a deep breath. “… Because I’m in love with you.” His voice is loud and clear.
In the bedroom Jason covers his mouth with his hand to not make a sound. Apparently Scotty is equally shocked , because he stares at Kevin as if Kevin is a creature from another planet. The silence between them is heavy with hope and expectations. Eventually Scotty manages to get his senses back.
“I… I’m still in love with you as well.” Scotty answers. Jason can hear Kevin breathe out loudly as if he’s been holding his breath all along.
“Scotty…” Kevin moans and he moves closer to Scotty, most likely with the intention to kiss him, but Scotty gently stops him.
“No. Not like this… You’re going to have to break up with Jason first… I’m not going to be the one you have sex with behind Jason’s back…”
“Fair enough.” Kevin nods. He lets his forehead rest against Scotty’s shoulder. “I’m going to hate breaking up with Jason….”
“I can imagine that it must be hard for you.”
“I really love him… Not like you… just … you know. He’s a great guy and he doesn’t deserve it to be treated like he’s second best choice… Not by anyone, least of all me…. I’m going over to his place, first thing in the morning…. I promise.”
“Good. I need to get my head cleared as well. Would you mind taking me back to my place? It’s about 15 minutes away from here?”
“I’ll get the keys…” Kevin opens the door for Scotty and he takes his keys. He turns off the lights in the living-room and Jason is all alone in the dark in the bedroom.
He watches the clock in the bedroom move minute after minute. And when finally five minutes have past, he quietly gets up and he leaves Kevin apartment. He gets in his car and drives straight back to his own place, where he undresses and goes to bed without reading a word from his bible. Contrary to what he believed would happen, he falls asleep straightaway.
*****
“We need to talk.” Kevin says after Jason had given him some coffee. Jason seems tensed.
“I agree.” Jason nods. “Can I go first or do you want to?” Kevin is surprised by the question, but motions Jason to go first. Jason clears his throat and swallows hard, before he starts.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, since you told me about you and your ex…. Since I came back, I feel like I have to try real hard to make our relationship work. Something has changed and ... I’m not entirely sure we can fix it. I believe that you care for me, that you want this to work, but….
I don’t believe you’re in love with me… And I’m not entirely sure if I’m in love with you… Don’t get me wrong. I care for you. I would never want to see you get hurt. I want to protect you, and I believe you’d want to do the same for me and that you don’t want to hurt me either.
We’re there for each other, we talk, we laugh, we have a drink, we enjoy each other’s company and we share each other’s beds, but it doesn’t feel like I’m in a love-relationship with you. I … I don’t think we love each other on a romantic level… And if we don’t have that, then we’re nothing more than... friends with benefits.
We would only be two people who care for each other, occasionally have sex, but who have no real commitment towards each other.”
“Are we breaking up?” Kevin asks flabbergasted.
“I think that would be for the best.” Jason nods.
*****
“What happened? Why did I have to get here immediately?” Scotty asks as soon as Kevin lets him in.
“It’s Jason. I swear, he never ceases to be amaze me.”
“What did he do? Did he take it badly? …. Or… Don’t tell me he just proposed to you…”
“No. Neither.” Kevin laughs… “He broke up with me.”
“What?!”
“Yes. Turns out that he was second-guessing what we had as well.”
“Wow….” Scotty says softly.
“I know! …. Can I now kiss you? Please?” Kevin begs, showing his best puppy dog pout. Scotty smiles and spreads his arms. Their kiss immediately filled with the passion that they’d been holding back for quite a while. And the moment that Scotty’s hands move down his back, pressing him closer to Scotty’s body, Kevin knows that he’s where he belongs.
*****
In the small chapel, Jason lights a candle and he prays to God that He will keep Kevin safe. And after a moment’s pause he adds Scotty to his prayer.
He had woken up that morning with the feeling that he finally knew what to do. He had known that breaking up with Kevin would be the right choice to make. His own inaction in Malaysia had already been a good indicator that maybe he was not as involved with Kevin as he should have been.
He had found it easy to forgive Kevin, because it affected him far less than he thought it would. He, too, should have realized that he had gotten over Kevin’s infidelity way too easily. It had been the 'but' that had been nagging at him all along.
He loved Kevin. He cared for Kevin, but ultimately he too had to accept that it would never have been the ‘everlasting love’ he was looking for. This was not Kevin’s fault. Or his own. What he truly wanted, a commitment, just wasn’t there, on neither side. But he had known also that Kevin would blame himself for the failure and that wasn’t fair either.
So, he had known that he should be the one to take the decision away from Kevin. And he’s grateful that Kevin hadn’t brought up that he wanted to move on with Scotty, because Jason has his own pride after all, and he’s not sure that he had been ready to hear it from Kevin himself at that particular moment.
But Jason would have had to be blind to not see the happiness in Kevin’s eyes, that Jason had taken a tough choice away from him. He had seen how Kevin's mind could immediately see the possibilities that arose and how he was already, in his mind, back with Scotty, back with the man he really loved.
It had been painful on one side. But on the other, he hopes that one day he’d be able to have that same love-filled smile that Kevin had on his face, when he realized that he was free to be with the man he loved.
Jason sighs and goes back to his room. He turns on his computer. Until he finds the man of his dreams, all he can do is just watch a movie with his favorite actor, Chad Barry.
THE END.