Can't stop loving
08/13
Maybe I'm still under the shock. I still can't have any negative feelings now.
I'm supposed to be crying of sadness. Burning with hate against the agency. But I can't.
When I heard the news. I suddenly found myself humming Arigatou.
The only thing I can feel right now is love. Love for these six guys. Love for this great fandom.
I want to love them, to see them, to keep learning about them. To keep watching their past and future works. To keep listening to their music.
I want to hear their real words, because like hell I would believe any version or "members comments" released by the agency. I also have no interest in reading any news articles or any comments from people who don't know shit. I don't want to speculate about all the suspicious circumstances surrounding this mess. I don't want to think about the details of what's going to happen in the future. I just want to hear THEIR words.
Maybe the shock will wear out and I'll be able to cry and be angry and search for the truth and worry about the future in a few hours.
Maybe it's just because this is what they taught me: to keep loving and keep smiling no matter what.
I just can't stop loving them and trusting them.
Edit
08/14
I was finally able to cry.
I kind of cried when I woke up. And then I really cried when I saw Nakai opening the Olympics broadcast for the day.
Nakai being Nakai, smiling, calm, professional, warmly supporting the athletes. Just as expected from Nakai.
I have conflicted feelings about that. I don't want him to put himself under so much pressure. But at the same time, I need him to be Nakai. I need to depend on his strength in order not to fall apart.
I've been feeling nauseated and exhausted all day. It feels just like when I was down after my wisdm tooth operation last year. But I can't let myself be consumed by that feeling.
I need to cry, but I also need to smile.
SMAP have given their all for the last 28 years in order to give their fans the power to cry for the smile and smile through the tears. They're still doing it right now. We can't let their efforts go to waste.
Edit 2
08/15
I had too many bad dreams.
For the first time since forever, I slept with my big plushie in the middle of summer.
The moment when I wake up is always the worst. I'm awake enough to think about terrible things, but still not awake enough to pull myself together.
Back to work. I was able to smile and laugh for people, but when I'm alone, I can't smile at all, unless I'm watching a smap vid. It's strange how I can forget everything and genuinely enjoy their shows.
I still refuse to read any article or comment. If there is any important official announcement, I'll know about it from the japanese fans on twitter. Other than that, I only want to hear their words.
It appears that there is a huge amount of bs circulating on tabloids and wide shows. I don't give a fuck.
SxS and Momm!! were fun, but I started crying when Shingo sang his line on S-Live.
I've been marathoning Nakai's Dai Nenpyo specials. I need the biggest dose possible of Nakai. He's my drug.
I wish I had a place where I could scream my lungs out without no one hearing me.
Thank you Goro for being all fukigen and destroying stuff for us.
Edit 3
08/16
Today, waking up and going to work was too hard. I was more nauseated than ever. My legs hurt.
On the way to work, I kept thinking about a lot of things.
I thought about how I should probably use my annual leave to finally go to Japan. I've been postponing it for no reason at all for two years at least.
I also thought about how it would feel to run away. Theorically speaking, it would be so easy.
I thought about running away before thursday. I know thursday would be too painful.
A few minutes after getting to work, I suddenly burst out crying and made my colleagues panick. I'm an idiot :D Luckily my boss wasn't there.
After making sure nothing happened to my family and I started laughing and told them it was something totally unrelated, my friend said "I bet something bad happened to one of your chinese friends" (my chinese friends = japanese celebrities whom she catches on my screen from time to time). I never talk about SMAP at work, but she knows me so well :)
Then she jokingly said "Don't be so sad, you'll find someone to replace them" and I was like "SMAP ni wa kawari ga inai no!!!!!" (in my mind, of course).
Why am I always so weak? The ones who are suffering the most are definitely Nakai and Shingo, and yet they were so strong and kept their smile for us, appearing on live TV in the middle of the storm.
When I went back home, the smap fans on twitter had turned some tabloid article title into another fun hashtag.
It's the first fun hashtag since the 14th. I felt that fandom had finally the strength to stand up on its feet again, or, as someone said,we're crawling back like zombies. Because that's what smap is all about.
I love this fandom so much.
Since the beginning of the year, I often think about the fans/regular people who appeared on smap shows and interacted closely with them. I often wonder what they are thinking now. That couple who had its marriage proposal on smap's concert stage, that teacher who is a huge fan of Kimura who got a surprise by her students, that Eisa!smap team, even the girls who were running with the "we're watching" sign in the empty stands in that old smap concert, 25 years ago. Where are they now? what are they thinking?
This is the last update on this entry. I allowed myself to be pathetic for 3 days, because of special circumstances. But I always hated being pathetic. I hate pathetic people. I have to stand up, move forward, do what I can do right now. I have to be a good smazombie.
Mae ni
The best way is to love.