踏ん張る
I don't know exactly what I'm going to write, but I need to write...
Through the whole mess, and like everyone, I waited for the members' words. In the mid of the ridiculous media circus I could only trust their words. When they made the announcement about the live talk on smapxsmap this morning, I was relieved because we'll finally have the truth.
But at that exact moment I realized how much I didn't want them to stay with the agency. I wanted them to break free, together. I'll be honest. At that moment, I thought that if they said they would go back to J&A:
- I would believe that Kimura betrayed SMAP
- I would lose trust in their bonds and all I thought I knew about the group
- It would be too painful and the drama would be too much for me to stay in a place where I first came for entertainment. I would just delete everything related to smap and j&a from my computer, I would delete this account and I would fuck off for good and look for a different hobby
That script was nothing against the photo of 2TOP in SMAP Shop, the Triangle formation on Kouhaku, the CDTV live, the FNS performance, it was nothing against their smiles and dynamics on the bistro that aired just after it, it was nothing against their tears on FNS27 finale and their laughter when they were doing karaoke during the 5nin tabi, it was nothing against 2TOP radio messages: "funbaru", "shinjite tsuitekite".
I couldn't think of Kimura as a traitor because I only saw a Kimura who took on the most difficult part. Him and Nakai took the worst part of the blow to protect the other members. And all the members sacrificed what they cherished the most, their pride and their freedom, in order to protect SMAP. The smap who were reading the script weren't our smap, but the smap who were fighting and suffering and filling their roles in the group were our smap.
I can't imagine how hard it was for them to bear with all the harassment in their condition. Kimura badly injured and in the middle of hard filming, Shintsuyo with their dramas, Goro with stageplay rehearsals, Nakai with his hellish schedule.
So I guess I'll just keep waiting for their real words. Waiting for our real SMAP to come back and laugh together. I can't imagine myself doing anything else..
One more thing, I don't know if I'll be able to keep following the rest of J&A. I know the guys aren't responsible and they certainly hate this as much as we fans do. I know that smap themselves love their kouhai and their same-generation old comrades and have nothing against them, but I think I would never be able to see them displaying their Johnny's pride and their happy inter-group interactions without thinking of what the company did to smap and what it could do to any of them. Like a lot of other people in fandom, I enjoyed this year's JCD a lot because it looked like they put aside the factions' separation in order to give a good show, but now that I know the price...No, I think it will be impossible...