Keahi Journal
All right, no need to freak out. I only slept with the cowboy, it's no big deal. We're both adults, and it's not like it was a new experiance for either of us. I mean it's better than him going out and finding a whore, right? So why do I move between feeling like I've betrayed someone to elation? Is it because I've once again been completely stupid with boys? Or is it the memories? I've done this before, haven't I? Rejected one boy to sleep with another a short time later? Only this time it was stupider, because this time there is no House of Bells or Cloister to force a seperation. This time there is no cover of just saying good bye. This time, it will happen again (and again and again if this evening was any type of signal.) I know I shouldn't be worrying about it, but I can't help it. It's just sex, just both of us needing to unwind, and since it's unlikely that Chaos will be returning, it's not like I have to worry about anything. Maybe it's because Haze nearly caught us in the after glow. Or maybe it's because the moment it was over, I was back to being the annoyingly weak and overly bossy scalehead. It was stupid to expect things to change, but I had hoped...
But there are more important things to concern myself with now. According to Ondolee, the one who did this used to be a friend of his. A friend of his that apparently returned as an Abyssal. I can't describe how much I wish it was a demon. I can handle those. The Undead...I can throw around wards and salt, but that won't do much in the end. I'm not powerful enough, and being reminded of that--again--is like a shallow cut that refuses to heal. It would be superficial, barely noticable, if it would only heal. Ondolee said he was going to be meeting with his friend at midnight, I asked if it would be all right if I came along. He said it didn't matter to him, he was thinking of asking Haze anyway. For some reason that hurt. I've never been good at reading body language, so there was always a chance that I had misread his reactions, but his specific mentioning of needing a Solar, it brought back all the horrible memories of feeling like a failure. He reminded me that the girls needed protection still. I don't know if they saw or heard what happened between myself and Chaos, but I wasn't willing to test it. Besides, Tahn was there. I went with them. It seemed that Haze, at least, was glad I was there. Haze might be a little special, but I don't question at all why she was chosen, you can't help but feel comforted and warmed when she's around. In some small way, it's like having Menefer back with me.
Rather than meeting Ondolee's...well, the Abyssal, we met some strange sort of messenger. This thing was an abomination that only a truely sick mind would have conjured up. Sewn together with soulsteel, it was like a quilt of skin. I didn't blame Haze for her shriek of disgust, I felt ill to my stomach myself. I never left Haze's side, taking some comfort in her clinging to me. It's hard to feel worthless and like a traitor when someone is looking to you for protection. The banter between the messenger and Ondolee was the worst part. I kept wanting to scream for him to get it over with, to end it already so we didn't have to look at the horrid thing anymore. That wouldn't have done any good. Finally they got to the point, 'Erin' was going to give Ondolee three months. In three months, he was going to be coming and it would not be his fault if Ondolee was not ready. I agreed with Ondolee that it seemed strange that he would go all through all this trouble to simply announce that he was going to attack in three months, but then he mentioned the girls and I truely felt like I was going to loose what little I had eaten recently. The mortals! With barely another thought, Haze and I raced back to the inn.
We were too late. We found Tahn pinned to the ceiling, bleeding badly, and the girls were gone. Without Emerald, we had no healer. I went out and thanks to the owner, found one who was willing to see a patient in the middle of the night. He didn't ask questions, and why would he with the recent attack on the harbor, Tahn could be just another survivor that had taken a turn for the worse. I was happy to know that Tahn would recover, but the guilt wouldn't leave. I had promised to protect them and take care of them. In a stupid attempt to make myself like a sun child, I had ignored my duty. And now the girls are trapped somewhere in the Underworld. I tried to be brave for Haze, but in truth, I'm scared for them too. They're just mortal girls who were trapped in a bad situation they never asked for. And they are getting punished. This is what happens when I ignore my duties and act impulsivly. The innocent always get hurt when the ones in charge stray. I want to cry, but that won't keep Haze calm, and seeing her upset hurts too. I can't let myself be so careless again.
But there are more important things to concern myself with now. According to Ondolee, the one who did this used to be a friend of his. A friend of his that apparently returned as an Abyssal. I can't describe how much I wish it was a demon. I can handle those. The Undead...I can throw around wards and salt, but that won't do much in the end. I'm not powerful enough, and being reminded of that--again--is like a shallow cut that refuses to heal. It would be superficial, barely noticable, if it would only heal. Ondolee said he was going to be meeting with his friend at midnight, I asked if it would be all right if I came along. He said it didn't matter to him, he was thinking of asking Haze anyway. For some reason that hurt. I've never been good at reading body language, so there was always a chance that I had misread his reactions, but his specific mentioning of needing a Solar, it brought back all the horrible memories of feeling like a failure. He reminded me that the girls needed protection still. I don't know if they saw or heard what happened between myself and Chaos, but I wasn't willing to test it. Besides, Tahn was there. I went with them. It seemed that Haze, at least, was glad I was there. Haze might be a little special, but I don't question at all why she was chosen, you can't help but feel comforted and warmed when she's around. In some small way, it's like having Menefer back with me.
Rather than meeting Ondolee's...well, the Abyssal, we met some strange sort of messenger. This thing was an abomination that only a truely sick mind would have conjured up. Sewn together with soulsteel, it was like a quilt of skin. I didn't blame Haze for her shriek of disgust, I felt ill to my stomach myself. I never left Haze's side, taking some comfort in her clinging to me. It's hard to feel worthless and like a traitor when someone is looking to you for protection. The banter between the messenger and Ondolee was the worst part. I kept wanting to scream for him to get it over with, to end it already so we didn't have to look at the horrid thing anymore. That wouldn't have done any good. Finally they got to the point, 'Erin' was going to give Ondolee three months. In three months, he was going to be coming and it would not be his fault if Ondolee was not ready. I agreed with Ondolee that it seemed strange that he would go all through all this trouble to simply announce that he was going to attack in three months, but then he mentioned the girls and I truely felt like I was going to loose what little I had eaten recently. The mortals! With barely another thought, Haze and I raced back to the inn.
We were too late. We found Tahn pinned to the ceiling, bleeding badly, and the girls were gone. Without Emerald, we had no healer. I went out and thanks to the owner, found one who was willing to see a patient in the middle of the night. He didn't ask questions, and why would he with the recent attack on the harbor, Tahn could be just another survivor that had taken a turn for the worse. I was happy to know that Tahn would recover, but the guilt wouldn't leave. I had promised to protect them and take care of them. In a stupid attempt to make myself like a sun child, I had ignored my duty. And now the girls are trapped somewhere in the Underworld. I tried to be brave for Haze, but in truth, I'm scared for them too. They're just mortal girls who were trapped in a bad situation they never asked for. And they are getting punished. This is what happens when I ignore my duties and act impulsivly. The innocent always get hurt when the ones in charge stray. I want to cry, but that won't keep Haze calm, and seeing her upset hurts too. I can't let myself be so careless again.