Keahi Journal
Yeah, work kicked my ass last week...but I got the highest grade on the test in the class so it was worth it. :-p
I wish I knew for sure that he understood I was sorry, for calling him what I did (not matter how much Ondolee says he deserves it and I shouldn't feel guilty) and for loosing the girls. I have to force mysel fnot to think about it. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I haven't. The past three months have been the strangest I've head in a long time...and I still can't decide if I should call them good or bad or just accept that they are and let it lie. I've kept myself as busy as I could, but each time I did, something has found a way to break my concentration. SOmetimes it's not always a bad thing, though.
I'd like to know what Lajos thinks he's up to. Are these supposed to convince me to come back? The book is shockingly thoughtful, so much so that I can't actually believe Lajos thought of it himself. Perhaps my grandfather is still alive, maybe this is his way of saying that he's finally forgiven me. Or maybe Lajos really did find the book on one of his Hunts, and one of his cousins (probably Whimsik) convinced him to send it to me. A (very) small part of me that still wants to hope that our marriage can be more than a business contract whispers that this is a sign that he's gotten over himself and wants to treat me like a fellow Dragon Blood. That, however, is hoping far too much. His first loyalty always has and always will be to himself. Everyone else is just an accessory piece. I just wish he would stop bouncing back and forth. When he is feeling genorous, he is a wonderfully sensitive and caring man and lover, but when he's returned to his usual self, those sweet times turn into bargening chips. It is sick that I dread his times of sweetness more than I dread his rage.
Maybe that's why I've continued to sleep with the cowboy. Ondolee may not be the sharpest knife in the kitchen, but at least he's consistant--more or less. I can expect him to be reserved infront of Tahn and Haze, but alone he's willing to meet me halfway with most of the affection. Considering this is just sex until he finds something else to do, another bounty probably, halfway is more than enough. But now I wonder if there isn't something about sleeping with me that turns men into assholes. Ondolee has never been reserved about his opinions, and he can be a complete and total jerk about a lot of things. But this is...this is different. We've always both enjoyed things that are on the rough side, but sometimes I wonder if this isn't going too far. During the day he's himself. Then night starts closing in and there's just something colder about him. I don't know if it's really me, but I don't see any other explination. A part of me says I should put my foot down and just stop everything...but I think that would just make the situation worse in the end. Certainly it would make things more awkward for everyone else.
And speaking of everyone else, I've wanted to talk to Haze about all of this...about what happened with Chaos and what's happening with Ondolee, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her. Every morning she wakes up either looking scared, or looking at the world in a strange happy-saddness. She says that at those times she dreamt of a man who, honestly, sounds too good to be true. She is happy to see him everytime, but she is sad she only gets to spend time with him when she is sleeping. I don't want to shatter her hopes, but I'm rather bitter. Haze deserves the best of the best, I just wish I could manage to obtain half of her luck--if the man was real anyway.
As the day of Erin's return comes closer, we're all getting more and more tense. I can't imagine how Ondolee must be feeling. I wish he would talk to us both more, but then again it's never been his way to actually talk about what he's thinking and feeling at all. All day he's been sitting, staring and petting that stupid gun! He wants to get this over with, I want him to go back to being normal. I want to know the girls are safe and sound and that they're still pregnant...if they want to be, that is. I'm tired of living under this anxiety. I can deal with demons and crazies, I can deal with the stress of knowing that Creation is relying on me to save it--I was raised to understand that on the Isle. But five mortals who did nothing more than happen to have the wrong lover? That is not a stress I can handle. Not that I'll ever be able to explain that to anyone else.
It's hard to see Haze looking so sad about this guy in her dreams. I have to admit, I'd swoon too if there was a male out there that was actually capable of being as sweet as he is in dreams. All right so I'd do a lot more than swoon but that's beside the point. I did really mean it when I said that I hope she finds him and that I hope he's as great as he is in dreams. That is, until I found out he's an Anathema! He eats hearts! And it was NOT a comfort to hear him say that he wouldn't eat me unless I was a Dynast. Not a comfort at all! I don't care if Haze and the cowboy think I'm being stupid! They've never been chased down by a hoard of angry beastmen that can turn invisible, managing to allude them only to get cornered by their Anathema leader how goes into detail about what a joy it will be to feel his fist rip into my chest and squish around my heart before he tears it out. And then how exquisite my blood will taste going down his throat because he will be tasting vengence. I'm happy that Haze's man is real, but why did it have to be an Anathema?!
I wish I knew for sure that he understood I was sorry, for calling him what I did (not matter how much Ondolee says he deserves it and I shouldn't feel guilty) and for loosing the girls. I have to force mysel fnot to think about it. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I haven't. The past three months have been the strangest I've head in a long time...and I still can't decide if I should call them good or bad or just accept that they are and let it lie. I've kept myself as busy as I could, but each time I did, something has found a way to break my concentration. SOmetimes it's not always a bad thing, though.
I'd like to know what Lajos thinks he's up to. Are these supposed to convince me to come back? The book is shockingly thoughtful, so much so that I can't actually believe Lajos thought of it himself. Perhaps my grandfather is still alive, maybe this is his way of saying that he's finally forgiven me. Or maybe Lajos really did find the book on one of his Hunts, and one of his cousins (probably Whimsik) convinced him to send it to me. A (very) small part of me that still wants to hope that our marriage can be more than a business contract whispers that this is a sign that he's gotten over himself and wants to treat me like a fellow Dragon Blood. That, however, is hoping far too much. His first loyalty always has and always will be to himself. Everyone else is just an accessory piece. I just wish he would stop bouncing back and forth. When he is feeling genorous, he is a wonderfully sensitive and caring man and lover, but when he's returned to his usual self, those sweet times turn into bargening chips. It is sick that I dread his times of sweetness more than I dread his rage.
Maybe that's why I've continued to sleep with the cowboy. Ondolee may not be the sharpest knife in the kitchen, but at least he's consistant--more or less. I can expect him to be reserved infront of Tahn and Haze, but alone he's willing to meet me halfway with most of the affection. Considering this is just sex until he finds something else to do, another bounty probably, halfway is more than enough. But now I wonder if there isn't something about sleeping with me that turns men into assholes. Ondolee has never been reserved about his opinions, and he can be a complete and total jerk about a lot of things. But this is...this is different. We've always both enjoyed things that are on the rough side, but sometimes I wonder if this isn't going too far. During the day he's himself. Then night starts closing in and there's just something colder about him. I don't know if it's really me, but I don't see any other explination. A part of me says I should put my foot down and just stop everything...but I think that would just make the situation worse in the end. Certainly it would make things more awkward for everyone else.
And speaking of everyone else, I've wanted to talk to Haze about all of this...about what happened with Chaos and what's happening with Ondolee, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her. Every morning she wakes up either looking scared, or looking at the world in a strange happy-saddness. She says that at those times she dreamt of a man who, honestly, sounds too good to be true. She is happy to see him everytime, but she is sad she only gets to spend time with him when she is sleeping. I don't want to shatter her hopes, but I'm rather bitter. Haze deserves the best of the best, I just wish I could manage to obtain half of her luck--if the man was real anyway.
As the day of Erin's return comes closer, we're all getting more and more tense. I can't imagine how Ondolee must be feeling. I wish he would talk to us both more, but then again it's never been his way to actually talk about what he's thinking and feeling at all. All day he's been sitting, staring and petting that stupid gun! He wants to get this over with, I want him to go back to being normal. I want to know the girls are safe and sound and that they're still pregnant...if they want to be, that is. I'm tired of living under this anxiety. I can deal with demons and crazies, I can deal with the stress of knowing that Creation is relying on me to save it--I was raised to understand that on the Isle. But five mortals who did nothing more than happen to have the wrong lover? That is not a stress I can handle. Not that I'll ever be able to explain that to anyone else.
It's hard to see Haze looking so sad about this guy in her dreams. I have to admit, I'd swoon too if there was a male out there that was actually capable of being as sweet as he is in dreams. All right so I'd do a lot more than swoon but that's beside the point. I did really mean it when I said that I hope she finds him and that I hope he's as great as he is in dreams. That is, until I found out he's an Anathema! He eats hearts! And it was NOT a comfort to hear him say that he wouldn't eat me unless I was a Dynast. Not a comfort at all! I don't care if Haze and the cowboy think I'm being stupid! They've never been chased down by a hoard of angry beastmen that can turn invisible, managing to allude them only to get cornered by their Anathema leader how goes into detail about what a joy it will be to feel his fist rip into my chest and squish around my heart before he tears it out. And then how exquisite my blood will taste going down his throat because he will be tasting vengence. I'm happy that Haze's man is real, but why did it have to be an Anathema?!