Keahi Journal
I've often questioned who or what decides what people deserve to have everything. Is it really based on merit and doing what's right and serving the higher powers? I don't know if I can think that anymore. Really I don't know why I kept believing it for so long. Ambrosine used Menefer and me to make it through the Heptagram, and after she betrayed me and tried to get my grandfather killed or force me into the Mnemon house, she probably got rewarded. Meanwhile, Menefer gets shipped off to the West and even I have not heard from her in some time. I get stuck with Lajos, who did save Grandfather, but even this far in the Threshold he still makes me jump at the thought he might come for me. And of course he keeps on living while the good one, the one that only ever tried to make things better, is resting in Sijan right now. Lajos gets all the favortism because he'll dance to his mother's tune, but truely worthy heros like Whimsik have to keep travelling to get any attention from the house.
I suppose it's one thing if it's just people making these kinds of mistakes, but it hurts more to see someone blessed by the gods who doesn't deserve it. I honestly think most times that Grandfather would have disowned me if Drallion had not stopped him when I exalted as a Dragon Blood instead of a Solar. I remember, after the initial shock wore off, being a bit disappointed too. But I took it to mean that I had proven myself worthy to be exalted, but not enough to be chosen by the Sun. I decided that didn't matter and that I could still make a difference as a Dragon Blood. So I looked around for where I could be of most use, which I think is how I settled on demonology more than anything. Back then, I didn't know about Stalfyorian and I still would like to think that my decision was made independent of her. I've met people that surely could not be worthy of being chosen since they use their gifts for their own gain and not for the good of Creation. But I've also met people who have made the choice to make so much more of their Exaltations, Menefer, Him, Whimsik, and, though it's only years afterwards that I can admit this, Sublime Aurora. I had thought that you needed to be something truely special to be a Solar, be someone of good merit or some other innane ideaology I should have given up in childhood. For the most part I think I'm still right. Haze, after all, I can't question. She may only do so on accident, but she knows how to make people feel better. She has a sweet understanding that keeping the peace is more important than really winning, even if she isn't able to really put it into those words. Chaos too, in his own way. You could believe that something would work because he believed it. He was starting to see that he had to have a bigger purpose. I can only hope I've only paused that growth, not destroyed it. I understand why they were chosen.
This place is more glorious than the Palace of Trees, and I feel like I should act like I do there. In reality what I want to do is jump on the next automata and take it apart to see how it works, preferably with Baby Billy cuddled close. But I don't dare even ask for permission. I feel like I should just sit quietly and just let the bigger, more important beings make the decision, just like I let Lajos and his mother make the decisions in the Palace even though all I want to do is bash both of them in the heads. I feel a little in the way, even though I've done nothing but try and stay out of the way. I know I'm being silly, but Ondolee's manse is blessed by the Unconquered Sun. If I was unworthy to grace the halls of the Palace of Trees, why would I ever be worthy to grace these halls? More to the point, how did Ondolee get this place? Why was he given a home like this? Why was he even blessed by the sun at all? He has the skills, but he doesn't want to use them for anything more than his own gain. And he seems to think it's great fun to tease those who would try to make the world better with their limited abilities. I know he doesn't like authority, but doesn't he realize that he is the authority? Doesn't he get that it's time to stop being a scared little boy who thinks rules will just get in his way? He is a Chosen of the Unconquered Sun himself. And he'll brag about that until it comes time to actually step up and take responsiblity. Then he just sniffs and says it's not his problem.
Doesn't he understand that there are those around him that would give their last drop of blood, their last strand of hair, their entire body, Malfeas, their damned soul to be able to have the kind of power that he has? Doesn't he know that there are people in the world that could do so much more if only they had his talents or his physical strength? There is nothing I wouldn't give to be one of the Solars. I'd happily let the last drop of blood drain from my body, or cut off my own skin, or even cut out my own heart and feed it to an anathema a Lunar if it would mean that I would be given his kind of power, his kind of strength. I would joyously desecrate the Empress's grave, or even destroy the Heptagram to have his gifts. If only because I knew I would have millenia to make up for that destruction in building something greater. And I have to sit and watch him waste what I would do anything for.
But I know that I'm too stupid to recieve those gifts. If I was smart, I would have realized what he was in the first place and would've kept my distance. If I was smart, I would have only let it happen once. And if I was really smart I wouldn't've started to let myself fall for him the way I think I have. It's not love, not as I've ever experianced it anyway, but I know I would feel a little more hollow if he was to leave. I know that I would feel a stab of pain if he went to someone else. Gods, this would be so much easier if I could just think like him and keep it just sex. Then what he said over dinner wouldn't've hurt nearly so much. No, it wouldn't've hurt at all if he had made any kind of exception. He's said things like it before, but I knew I was different then and would just ignore it since he didn't know that I was different. Now, sweet Hesiah, I hope he knows that I'm different. No, he does, I'm sure he does, but he doesn't care. I'm still too weak to really deserve respect. Stopping one demon by sheer luck wasn't enough, and any child could have figured out how to use salt against the ghosts. He didn't make any exceptions because what he said wasn't about the Realm, but about my kind in general. And I know he meant every word. I also know that I shouldn't expect an apology, if he even noticed how much hearing that hurt which I highly doubt. I also know that even with how hurt I am now, in another day, he'll be back in my bed without even a whisper of complaint from me. That last part truely makes me unworthy. A Solar would stand up for themselves.
It's a small comfort to know that at least Haze and even Silver don't agree completely with him. I don't know if they would have said the kind things they said if Ondolee hadn't exploded, but there is something warming about their faith and trust in me. I'm flattered that they think I can do more, even though I know I can't. I'm sure I could read the spells, I'm sure I could learn them, but I could never, ever, use them. Just Countering a spell is draining for me. And I'm already a bit of a dead weight when it comes to battle. Still, I think that if I was to seek a way to more power, Haze and Silver would stand with me.
Sleeping is stupid at this point, I think. The wound that damned Abyssal gave me won't heal quickly if I don't rest, but all of this circling in my mind will make sleep impossible. Maybe I'll go wander and see if this place has a library. They've always been my sanctuary after all. Books don't judge. Maybe if I see Tahn I'll warn him. No sense in both of us Dragon Bloods hurting over the cowboy.
yup, Keahi's life is an angsty pit of angsting angst
I suppose it's one thing if it's just people making these kinds of mistakes, but it hurts more to see someone blessed by the gods who doesn't deserve it. I honestly think most times that Grandfather would have disowned me if Drallion had not stopped him when I exalted as a Dragon Blood instead of a Solar. I remember, after the initial shock wore off, being a bit disappointed too. But I took it to mean that I had proven myself worthy to be exalted, but not enough to be chosen by the Sun. I decided that didn't matter and that I could still make a difference as a Dragon Blood. So I looked around for where I could be of most use, which I think is how I settled on demonology more than anything. Back then, I didn't know about Stalfyorian and I still would like to think that my decision was made independent of her. I've met people that surely could not be worthy of being chosen since they use their gifts for their own gain and not for the good of Creation. But I've also met people who have made the choice to make so much more of their Exaltations, Menefer, Him, Whimsik, and, though it's only years afterwards that I can admit this, Sublime Aurora. I had thought that you needed to be something truely special to be a Solar, be someone of good merit or some other innane ideaology I should have given up in childhood. For the most part I think I'm still right. Haze, after all, I can't question. She may only do so on accident, but she knows how to make people feel better. She has a sweet understanding that keeping the peace is more important than really winning, even if she isn't able to really put it into those words. Chaos too, in his own way. You could believe that something would work because he believed it. He was starting to see that he had to have a bigger purpose. I can only hope I've only paused that growth, not destroyed it. I understand why they were chosen.
This place is more glorious than the Palace of Trees, and I feel like I should act like I do there. In reality what I want to do is jump on the next automata and take it apart to see how it works, preferably with Baby Billy cuddled close. But I don't dare even ask for permission. I feel like I should just sit quietly and just let the bigger, more important beings make the decision, just like I let Lajos and his mother make the decisions in the Palace even though all I want to do is bash both of them in the heads. I feel a little in the way, even though I've done nothing but try and stay out of the way. I know I'm being silly, but Ondolee's manse is blessed by the Unconquered Sun. If I was unworthy to grace the halls of the Palace of Trees, why would I ever be worthy to grace these halls? More to the point, how did Ondolee get this place? Why was he given a home like this? Why was he even blessed by the sun at all? He has the skills, but he doesn't want to use them for anything more than his own gain. And he seems to think it's great fun to tease those who would try to make the world better with their limited abilities. I know he doesn't like authority, but doesn't he realize that he is the authority? Doesn't he get that it's time to stop being a scared little boy who thinks rules will just get in his way? He is a Chosen of the Unconquered Sun himself. And he'll brag about that until it comes time to actually step up and take responsiblity. Then he just sniffs and says it's not his problem.
Doesn't he understand that there are those around him that would give their last drop of blood, their last strand of hair, their entire body, Malfeas, their damned soul to be able to have the kind of power that he has? Doesn't he know that there are people in the world that could do so much more if only they had his talents or his physical strength? There is nothing I wouldn't give to be one of the Solars. I'd happily let the last drop of blood drain from my body, or cut off my own skin, or even cut out my own heart and feed it to an anathema a Lunar if it would mean that I would be given his kind of power, his kind of strength. I would joyously desecrate the Empress's grave, or even destroy the Heptagram to have his gifts. If only because I knew I would have millenia to make up for that destruction in building something greater. And I have to sit and watch him waste what I would do anything for.
But I know that I'm too stupid to recieve those gifts. If I was smart, I would have realized what he was in the first place and would've kept my distance. If I was smart, I would have only let it happen once. And if I was really smart I wouldn't've started to let myself fall for him the way I think I have. It's not love, not as I've ever experianced it anyway, but I know I would feel a little more hollow if he was to leave. I know that I would feel a stab of pain if he went to someone else. Gods, this would be so much easier if I could just think like him and keep it just sex. Then what he said over dinner wouldn't've hurt nearly so much. No, it wouldn't've hurt at all if he had made any kind of exception. He's said things like it before, but I knew I was different then and would just ignore it since he didn't know that I was different. Now, sweet Hesiah, I hope he knows that I'm different. No, he does, I'm sure he does, but he doesn't care. I'm still too weak to really deserve respect. Stopping one demon by sheer luck wasn't enough, and any child could have figured out how to use salt against the ghosts. He didn't make any exceptions because what he said wasn't about the Realm, but about my kind in general. And I know he meant every word. I also know that I shouldn't expect an apology, if he even noticed how much hearing that hurt which I highly doubt. I also know that even with how hurt I am now, in another day, he'll be back in my bed without even a whisper of complaint from me. That last part truely makes me unworthy. A Solar would stand up for themselves.
It's a small comfort to know that at least Haze and even Silver don't agree completely with him. I don't know if they would have said the kind things they said if Ondolee hadn't exploded, but there is something warming about their faith and trust in me. I'm flattered that they think I can do more, even though I know I can't. I'm sure I could read the spells, I'm sure I could learn them, but I could never, ever, use them. Just Countering a spell is draining for me. And I'm already a bit of a dead weight when it comes to battle. Still, I think that if I was to seek a way to more power, Haze and Silver would stand with me.
Sleeping is stupid at this point, I think. The wound that damned Abyssal gave me won't heal quickly if I don't rest, but all of this circling in my mind will make sleep impossible. Maybe I'll go wander and see if this place has a library. They've always been my sanctuary after all. Books don't judge. Maybe if I see Tahn I'll warn him. No sense in both of us Dragon Bloods hurting over the cowboy.
yup, Keahi's life is an angsty pit of angsting angst