Keahi Journal
I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up with Tahn, the two of us sharing our shift together, just talking. For the first time I told someone in the group about Basalt being my niece, and although I did not say His name, I was finally able to tell someone about Him and not be judged. Tahn understood doing things that still make you feel dirty, no matter how long the bath or hot the water. I know I was probably sending the wrong signals, but I couldn't help but reach out and touch him. I remember how good it felt, afterwards, to have Lajos hold me the night He was cremated. Touch, and knowing that touch is from someone who shares your misery has a soothing effect. I wondered to myself why Tahn and I had not been able to sit and talk before. Although he is an Outcaste, and I was raised in the Realm, after last night I feel closer to him than I've felt to most of the people in the Realm. Then again, that's not that strange. Menefer was really an Outcaste at heart, though she bore a Cathak name. Eunice was from Lookshy. It shouldn't shock me that I connect with Tahn. Still, he and I both know why we haven't spoken before, and the reason was sleeping behind us, his hat tilted down over his face. I doubt that telling him it's just sex and means nothing will help, so I will say nothing. I know what the cowboy does and doesn't like, and I know that Tahn, simply by being male, will not succeed. If only there was a way to make him female, then the cowboy and I could share him. But I worry now that perhaps my attempt to soothe him went too far, we woke up snuggled together. I feel guilty that I enjoyed waking up in someone's arms. I guess it's true what they say, when you're starving you can make a meal out of bread crumbs.
Either he didn't notice or didn't care, but the cowboy said nothing. I suppose I should be glad of that. At least he isn't the jealous type. Now if only I could stop Tahn from thinking the wrong thing...of course now I'm wondering what the wrong thing is. I must adore confusing myself. In any case, after he left to take the girls to his manse for safety, the rest of us readied to go to Nexus (again!) to start searching for the Abyssal's trail. Only Tahn and I have a different plan in mind. I want to go back to the temple, see if I can find anything. Maybe I'll find something more useful than my half backed theories. Until then, however, I'm sitting and waiting for my cowboy to return with a bottle of whiskey. I just hope it makes him smile again. I miss that reckless grin. Or maybe I should just face facts. He was not angry with me for not staying with him in his Manse, or pull me away in the Mahadi manse. Perhaps it's over and I should just accept that. But I want to see him smile again.
Either he didn't notice or didn't care, but the cowboy said nothing. I suppose I should be glad of that. At least he isn't the jealous type. Now if only I could stop Tahn from thinking the wrong thing...of course now I'm wondering what the wrong thing is. I must adore confusing myself. In any case, after he left to take the girls to his manse for safety, the rest of us readied to go to Nexus (again!) to start searching for the Abyssal's trail. Only Tahn and I have a different plan in mind. I want to go back to the temple, see if I can find anything. Maybe I'll find something more useful than my half backed theories. Until then, however, I'm sitting and waiting for my cowboy to return with a bottle of whiskey. I just hope it makes him smile again. I miss that reckless grin. Or maybe I should just face facts. He was not angry with me for not staying with him in his Manse, or pull me away in the Mahadi manse. Perhaps it's over and I should just accept that. But I want to see him smile again.