Keahi Journal
Been a while I know, but this was running around my head all day.
We've finally arrived in Sijan...and I feel even more a sense of dread than when we first arrived that has nothing to do with the demons and undead we are facing. They are, I realize, what I should be more worried about. But I'm letting personal problems get in the way, and I'm content to let it happen. Lajos is in Sijan, he has answered my call for help. This has me more unnerved than if I had to face all this with just my companions and no cannon fodder. Anytime Lajos does something that is kind and generous to another person, he expects something in return. And he always manages to demand the one thing you don't want to do. It is his personal skill. And I have a terrible sinking feeling that he'll tell me it's time to leave the Threshold and accept what I agreed to two years ago. The thought of leaving makes me ill, though not because I still don't feel ready to be a mother.
It will mean leaving my Cowboy behind.
I should be surprised by how fast Ondolee has become so important. I've never really tried to convince myself that this is anything more than sex. It's been more than that for me for some time. He knows that, I think, though neither of us has said anything. I know I've never been smart with men, always picking the wrong type, and causing more trouble for them than I'm really worth, but this time feels right. It's very simular to how I would feel around Him, a friend who understood me more deeply than I thought possible. And to think, when we first met, I was determined to hate him. My judgement proves itself again I suppose.
But I can't get out of mind that he asked to come with me. I wanted him to come with me, more than I will ever be able to tell him. With him near, I feel a little stronger. And I need that strength around Lajos. I feel even worse at how I treated Ondolee. I could not even look in his face when I told him to go find an inn with the others. And I don't know what I feared more, seeing concern in his eyes--or seeing nothing.
Master Latete would have left a bump on my head for thinking about all these trivial things when I should be worrying about locating the cults and destroying them--not worrying about who is kissing me. But then, I don't think Latete had many kisses in his life.
There is nothing more to say. We have so few leads, too many enemies, and our allies are merely glorified cannon fodder. We are truely wicked people.
We've finally arrived in Sijan...and I feel even more a sense of dread than when we first arrived that has nothing to do with the demons and undead we are facing. They are, I realize, what I should be more worried about. But I'm letting personal problems get in the way, and I'm content to let it happen. Lajos is in Sijan, he has answered my call for help. This has me more unnerved than if I had to face all this with just my companions and no cannon fodder. Anytime Lajos does something that is kind and generous to another person, he expects something in return. And he always manages to demand the one thing you don't want to do. It is his personal skill. And I have a terrible sinking feeling that he'll tell me it's time to leave the Threshold and accept what I agreed to two years ago. The thought of leaving makes me ill, though not because I still don't feel ready to be a mother.
It will mean leaving my Cowboy behind.
I should be surprised by how fast Ondolee has become so important. I've never really tried to convince myself that this is anything more than sex. It's been more than that for me for some time. He knows that, I think, though neither of us has said anything. I know I've never been smart with men, always picking the wrong type, and causing more trouble for them than I'm really worth, but this time feels right. It's very simular to how I would feel around Him, a friend who understood me more deeply than I thought possible. And to think, when we first met, I was determined to hate him. My judgement proves itself again I suppose.
But I can't get out of mind that he asked to come with me. I wanted him to come with me, more than I will ever be able to tell him. With him near, I feel a little stronger. And I need that strength around Lajos. I feel even worse at how I treated Ondolee. I could not even look in his face when I told him to go find an inn with the others. And I don't know what I feared more, seeing concern in his eyes--or seeing nothing.
Master Latete would have left a bump on my head for thinking about all these trivial things when I should be worrying about locating the cults and destroying them--not worrying about who is kissing me. But then, I don't think Latete had many kisses in his life.
There is nothing more to say. We have so few leads, too many enemies, and our allies are merely glorified cannon fodder. We are truely wicked people.