пока здесь размещу, а дальше видно будет

[maria_evchik]

Давно хотелось попробовать перевести стихи Али Хайтлиной, написанные после 24.02.22, но не решалась. А в последние дни... В общем, как-то так получилось, что не смогла не взяться и не проделать это хотя бы с одним. Выбрала одно из самых первых

Comments

[yukki_11]

Между twenty-five и weeks не может стоять артикль the.

Вместо "All the weeks" правильно - all these weeks.

Мне плевать - "I don't care".
Под ногами - under feet.

"Поделом" я бы перевела - "He had it coming". Но это неточно.

[maria_evchik]

Спасибо!

Значит, всё же придется превратить 25 в 20 - сразу куда шире пространство для манипуляций. Это место мне и не давало покоя больше всего.

Про "плевать" смотрела здесь: https://wooordhunt.ru/ Но не знаю, насколько употребимо.

Присмотрюсь ко всем вариантам.

[yukki_11]

Multitran.ru

[maria_evchik]

Спасибо!

[maria_evchik]

Первые правки:

Got a person in me who's just over twenty weeks.
All these weeks I am both his bread and his bed I mix.

(наверно, лучше: All these weeks I was both his bread and his bed, a mix.
или все-таки: All the time I was both his bread and his bed, a mix.)

Не))) Вот так:

Got a person in me who's twenty-five, but count in weeks.
All the time I was both his bread and his bed, a mix.

<...>

For the kremlin person -
don't care
how old he is.
Where he's the ground must open up beneath.

<...>

And his grave'll be written:
"He had it coming".
And so be it.

[maria_evchik]

Вариант, где все названные ошибки исправлены (еще ритм поправила, чтоб было пять ударных):

The fourth day

Got a person in me. Twenty-five is his age in weeks.
All these weeks I was both his bread and his bed, a mix.
He accepts me, and nowadays when I cry and scream
Say me what am I teaching him?

And a person
who's in the subway
just turned three days.
Doesn't know a light but knows the fires chase.
He is laid on the floor on a kerchief, and nearby
People crowd and eye.

And a person
who's in the bombshelter
just turned five.
But he's able be quiet the moments to hush arrive.
He has learned not to whine "my cartoon", "it's not tasty, mom".
Kiddies learn so quickly to come.

And the kremlin person -
don't care how old he is.
Where he's
the ground must open up beneath.
On that place
when the earth get my hope
to realize
not a single sprout will rise.

His saliva will sink to soap,
his blood to shit,
And his grave'll be written:
"He had it coming".
And so be it.But the kiddies